"Where am I?" Karlie mumbles as she wakes up the next morning, seeing her older sister waiting by the bed she's lying in.
Carefully, the older girl asks, a sad expression on her face, "do you remember what happened last night?" Her tone is soft and she's hopes that maybe the brunette won't have remembered and that the family can start a fresh.
"Their was an argument..." The model falters, trailing off and staring at the wall. "Am I in hospital?"
"You were and then I brought you here. It's a safe place where you can't do anything to hurt yourself Karlie."
"I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself," the younger girl states, notes of confusion entering her tone, "I'm about a month clean from everything." Her normally arched eyebrows are furrowed as she glances at the door. "I don't need to be here."
Krissy's heart breaks as she knows she's going to break her little sister out of the little fantasy she's living in. "You were a month clean from everything," she corrects gently, "until you drank 2 litres of Vodka within the space of an hour."
Karlie snaps her head up, "fuck!" A look of complete disappointment enters her eyes, showing Krissy that she thinks she's a failure, never being able to keep herself out of trouble or away from things that would harm her. "So where am I?" She questions quietly.
"St. Louis hospital assessment unit," Krissy says simply, "they want to check everything about you, psychiatric to physical."
Looking back at the White, crumpled sheets, the teenager realises the severity of what she's done. They'll want to check her medication, enquire about the last few months, find out anything they can and it will be tough. "Do you have my phone?" She mumbles. The older girl shakes her head. "Could I borrow yours?"
Nodding, the shorter yet somewhat wiser girl hands her sister the phone, stepping outside to find a doctor or nurse who will come and treat the brunette, giving the girl privacy at the same time. With numb fingers, Karlie dials the number she's memorised easily, hoping Taylor will pick up quickly so she can't back out of this. The model can only imagine how upset the blonde will be. "T-Taylor," the teen stutters as she hears the phone being picked up.
"Karlie, is that you?" The familiar voice of her closest confident comes through the phone, panic obvious to the teen as she twiddled with the bed sheets, hoping she's not going to come across as too much of a failure.
"It's me," she confirms.
An intake of breath is heard, "Karlie I was so worried, you didn't return my calls, you just left me hanging and I- I assumed the worse. I thought that you might have runaway but you're fine, right?"
"I'm sorry. Their... Their was an argument a-and my dad told me I was never going to be good enough so I- I stole a two litre bottle of vodka and I drank it all and now I'm in an assessment unit and I'm sorry, I relapsed and it was all going so well but he said so many horrible things and I realised how shitty I've been and I just couldn't take it Taylor," the brunette's voice cracks, "you're always kind to me and you let me know if I've done wrong but you're nice about it and all I wanted was that but now my family has seen me like this and they're never going to trust me again and I just want to be loved."
"I love you Karlie, we'll see each other in a week and a half and it will be fine. I wish I could come and see you but I don't want it to look suspicious, just think of me when you're finding it hard. Whatever happens, I'll be there helping you through it and we'll get through it even if it takes months, years!"
Sniffling slightly at her own sorry state, the teenager manages, "I love you. I'll text you as soon as I can, and try not worry- soon I'll be labelled and armed with tons of drugs so I'm a good child. This is never going to happen again." Those words upset the blonde but she doesn't let on, preferring to stay strong for the girl who relies on her a lot. They may be a thing but the relationship is built on trust, that Taylor will always be there for the brunette and that's how she hopes it will stay however the way the teen had said those lines made it seem like she was accepting the fact that only medication could help her get better when there's many other ways. She'll no longer be the enigmatic ball of emotions the singer had first known, merely a teen with placid emotions, controlled by foreign objects inside her. "I love you Karls, see you soon!"
Ten minutes later a doctor enters the room with the older Kloss sister, a pleasant smile on his face even though Karlie isn't sure about him, hating his professionalism and white coat already. "Good morning Miss Kloss, I must say you gave us quite the scare last night." All the model does is give him a blank, not bothered look. He seems to find it awkward, continuing is speech, "today we aim to do a few assessments- so we'll test your liver function as well as several other physical elements which could be affected by how much you drank as well as a psych assessment so we can see where we're headed from here."
Nodding, Karlie replies, "okay." She's trying to sound non-committal when all she actually wants to do is get out of the small square room, preferring to be alone in her own room although it's unlikely that'll be allowed again for at least a year. A question pops into her head as the doctor is about to step out of the door. "Why aren't I hungover?" She asks. Considering the amount she consumed, it would make sense for her to me drowning in head pain and waves of sickness but she feels alright.
He smiles, sadness coming into that smile, "you were hooked up to a drip. You'll be due another one in about 10 minutes to keep you hydrated."
"Thanks." So she's going to be attached to a bag of liquid while they prod her, scan her, interrogate her and expect her to be normal. Last night is coming back, the regret is starting to pour in and frankly, the brunette wishes she was spending Christmas at school so she could at least be with people that accept who she is.
As expected, ten minutes later the drip is in her hand and the teenager is talking to a psychiatrist who's going to "help" her. Krissy has disappeared, going home to grab the brunette some clothes, shampoo, personal items and also bring the twins back as the girl had barely had anytime to talk to them yesterday and she wants to see both of them, especially Kariann, to check how they're doing. "So how was England?" The red-headed woman asks, clipboard in hand, pen poised and ready to scribble down anything.
"In a word- eventful," Karlie says. From previous experiences, she knows to be honest with these people because they'll fish the truth from her eventually. "A lot happened but I'd been fine for about a month until yesterday. Everyone there were so nice and completely understood- in any other school I'd have been kicked out but they've given me so many chances so I'm going to pay them back big time in the New Year."
With a hint of curiosity in her time, the psychiatrist looks up, "you're going back?"
Nodding, the model replies, "yeah. I have a bad reputation around here so it's easier," she explains it briefly.
"You understand you have to get better first?" The inquisitive woman questions, look over her designer glasses at the girl laid on the bed with a drip in her hand. This confuses the brunette: she's fine. Last night was a relapse that isn't going to happen again ever! Maybe her brain isn't like anyone else's but at the moment she just needs to know theirs nothing wrong physically as the teen is certain her mental state is fine. "Well I'll be gone from here after you've done all your tests. It's Christmas and I need to spend it with my mom and sisters."
Eyeing Karlie with her eagle gaze, the doctor raises her eyebrow. "What about your father?"
"I-err, him too," she stutters. Trying not to sound put out but definitely feeling that way, she fails.
"I'm not going to let you go home to the man who caused you to be in this state," the professional says with a sad look in her light brown eyes. "Until I can be sure you're well enough to handle it without drinking or taking illegal substances or hurting yourself." That thought had never occurred to the model who's getting angrier by the second.
"IT WAS NOTHING!" She screams, frustration getting to her and knowing this tomb of a room will be soundproof. "I am not ill and you can't stop me from going home."
In an assertive tone, the woman shakes her head, "all I have to do is section you and right now, you're providing me with easy proof that I can use."
"You're a bitch," the brunette mutters rudely. "I don't want to talk to you anymore."
"Okay, one more question. If I get your medical information from while you were in England, will I get a blank sheet?" She asks smoothly. The woman half knows the answer from the way Karlie described her time in the county but she wants to see the reaction she gets. If her colleagues agree, they'll want the teenager in for at least a week as she's showing some serious signs of her mental health spiralling out of control... Again.
Bowing her head, the brunette shakes her curls, "I was in hospital three times." Pausing, the girl hears the sound of a pen scribbling on paper, "I had too much alcohol and the second time, I fell from a building. The other time was with my friend who tried to kill herself."
With pursed lips, the psychiatrist stands, "thank you Karlie. I'll be back as soon as possible. Doctor. Russell will be in to check on you soon." The brunette knows it probably won't be good news but she doesn't actually aver for once. This is the last time she's going to end up in one of these places and that's one thing she's certain of. Everything else might be hazy but it'll become clearer, she'll have purpose again and maybe she'll make something of herself. But for now, she has to get through the first couple of days.
Krissy returns a while later, her arms laden with stuff and her little twin sisters both holding a suitcase. Together, all four of them are smiling, the oldest sister taking pictures as Karlie wraps both of her arms around the Kloss twins and breathes in the familiar scent. When they both surface, blonde hair askew, they grin madly although Kariann's has a hidden sadness behind it that only the model can identify, having worn that grin too many times. "I've missed you guys so much," the brunette murmurs, readjusting her drip.
"How's England?" Kimby asks enthusiastically.
Another smile, "it's good, for the most part."
"You look better. And sorry for the inordinate amount of stuff, we didn't know what you'd want so we packed a lot. Most of it is comfy stuff though." Out of the twins, Kimby is definitely the more out going with a mega watt smile and social skills that get everyone on her side. Kariann is clever, extremely so, hidden behind books as well as a smile, not talking much either. Kari is closer with Karlie however, whispering secrets to her when she was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and couldn't sleep.
"It's fine. The psychiatrist said it could be a while before I'm allowed out because she knows about Dad," the model explains briefly, not wanting her little sisters to know the full extent of what's happening. By the sound of things, it had been hard enough with Kari's BPD alone so dumping more problems on them isn't the way to go. "I'll be fine."
"I'll come at Christmas," the quieter twin pipes up. Her twin is soon nodding in agreement and Karlie knows that the oldest Kloss sibling would much rather be here then at home with her suffocating parents.
"Guys," the brunette requests politely after half an hour, "would you mind waiting outside so me and Kari can talk?" Seeing the look on Karlie's face, Krissy agrees and guides Kimby out of the room, leaving the model with her sister. "How are you?" Karlie asks gently. She takes her sisters hand at the same time, transferring warmth she isn't sure the girl got when she wasn't around.
"I'm fine," the blonde twin says.
"Kari?"
"It was hard," the younger girl admits, "but I'm better now. I'm a month clean so I think I'm doing better than you." It's a small joke but seeing the light in her little sister's smile is the best thing Karlie can remember seeing. "What about you?"
Sighing, the brunette doesn't want to answer the question but knows she must as it's an unspoken rule the sisters have. Out of the four, they've always been the closest because of the things going on in their heads, even if Karlie was never diagnosed with anything specific. "I don't feel controlled anymore and I've barely been taking anything. It was good and scary at the same time because I've been so unpredictable, I'd fly off the handle at any moment but I don't feel numb. Kari, I'm feeling things and I love it!"
"Lucky. D'you think I should come back to England too?" The younger girl sighs, thinking back to the home she's just left.
Nothing is the same anymore: her parents treat Kariann like a porcelain doll that will break any second and she feels trapped. Karlie is gone and although her other to sisters mean well, they aren't the brunette that used to stay up with her all night and talk everything through, from the voices that told her she wasn't good enough to the general happenings of life. She would FaceTime the older girl but it's not the same as inhaling her familiar scent while cuddling under sheets that made them both feel safe. The rest of their family is so perfect, although Kariann is still living up to those expectations just, her older sister was the so called 'lost case' that made everything better, being the most broken yet most relatable. She could crumble next to the brunette but now she's gone, her only solstice is the pages of the spiral notebooks with fancy covers Karlie always sources for her. They convey her darkest feelings, the good days and bad days. Those journals are her feelings.
But they don't work like Karlie did. "I'm lonely without you," Kariann whispers, her eyes meeting Karlie's piercing green ones and filling with salty tears. "I only have my journals to confide in." The younger girl turns around to her backpack where she carries her most recent one just in case occasion arrives, pulling it out and handing it to her sister, "this is what I do instead of talking to you." She explains briefly. The blonde watches apprehensively as her sister, the girl she admire most, flips the book open and takes in the first page of words and doodles. None of makes much sense but she knows that Karlie will piece it together like she does to mend the broken pieces of her sister. "Mom and Dad don't acknowledge my illness Karls. I can barely take the pills without getting looks- it hurts."
With a musing look in her eyes, the brunette nods briefly before holding the spiral book up, "bad day?" She questions. The blank double page had been filled with violent scribbling and doodles of blood.
"Yeah," Kariann murmurs. So they talk it through like they used to.
And for once, it feels like life has gone back to normal.
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Yeah I haven't updated in a while but I'm like not motivated.
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