Content Warning: Strong language and mature content
Fahd
The spring sunlight was streaming from the windows. It was nearing noon. The bed was made, the room cleaned. After the elaborate weekend breakfast, I was busy working on my laptop. Ramlah was brushing her long wet black hair after a shower. I sat on the desk chair lost in my thoughts watching Ramlah thoughtfully. Why did Sara come back now? Worse was, why were my feelings coming back? Ramlah felt my gaze on her and she turned to look at me, raising her eyebrows questioningly. I looked away immediately. I couldn't look in her eyes. I felt guilty of old emotions and desires emerging.
I concentrated on the spreadsheet I was working on. But all the numbers were jumbled up. Nothing made sense.
"Fahd, is everything ok?" Ramlah's voice came from behind me. Her hands were on the chair I was seated on and she was standing close to it.
I jumped at the question. I had been so lost in my thoughts that I didn't realize she was standing beside me. I swallowed. What do I tell her? That I met my first love after years and the emotions I had thought had died where all rushing back?
I continued to type out numbers and feigned not listening to her. She lightly touched my shoulder trying to grab my attention.
"Fahd?"
I sighed, I really wanted to be alone before I sort out my emotional state. "I am fine Ramlah. I am just stressed out about work."
"Maybe I can help?" she mumbled bending down by my side to peer at the laptop.
I shook my head vigorously but before I could respond my phone started ringing. There was a new number calling me. Confused, I answered it.
"Hello?" I spoke into the phone unsure who it was.
"Hi Fahd"
That voice! I froze. It was Sara. My eyes darted to Ramlah anxiously, she had no idea of my increasing heart beat or of the perspiration at the back of my neck. I had to act fast, I cleared my throat and responded, "One moment."
I stood up and casually walked out of the room leaving a very baffled Ramlah behind.
As soon as, I was out of Ramlah's ear shot, I asked, "Who gave you my number?"
"I have my ways Fahd." I could hear amusement in her voice.
Running my hand through my hair I said, "I don't think it is a good idea Sara to call and talk."
"Fahd I want to meet you once. Please just as friends. Let's meet up." she proposed.
Shutting my eyes, I breathed, "Please Sara. I can't"
"Once Fahd please." She pleaded.
There was a long silence. What do I do? I was in two minds. There was no harm in meeting once. But then what about Ramlah. Clenching my jaw, I finally succumbed to my desires, "Fine, where and when?"
"Come over to my place."
Oh no, I can't meet her in private. "No somewhere else."
"Fahd I want to talk. I won't be comfortable meeting you somewhere in public."
"Sara, if that is the case I am not coming." I warned.
She was quiet and then spoke up, "Do you think it would be ok to meet in a public place where anyone can recognize us."
I rubbed my temple. She was right.
"Only once Sara."
"Of course" she responded immediately.
As I hung up, I worried, did I make the right decision?
****
"Do you remember the time you fell in the puddle? I was laughing and poor you...ended up with dirt all over you." Sara giggled sitting on an old red fabric sofa beside me. We were lounging in Sara's living room. She lived in a tiny one bedroom flat. It was adequately furnished with all the basic necessities. I could tell she was struggling financially.
I smirked, "Yes I remember." In fact, every moment spent with Sara had been treasured by me.
"Oh Fahd, it was a great time."
I remained silent and nodded.
"I miss that time a lot." She whispered.
Her hand snaked through mine. Our fingers intervening perfectly, "I am so sorry Fahd, of what happened." Gripping my hand firmly.
I pried her fingers from mine, "Sara it's too late now."
Her eyes filled with remorse tears, "Fahd please let's be friends." she bit her lower lip and her watery eyes searched mine, "I have been so lonely without you." A tear slid down her rosy cheek. I couldn't help myself, I brushed away the tear with my thumb.
"Sara I am married now. It won't be fair on Ramlah. I know where this friendship can lead to." I murmured.
She moved closer to me. Her eyes boring into mine. "Fahd, I ...I ...I need you in my life. I will die without you. These past few years have been torture." More tears spilled from her expressive blue eyes, "Please Fahd."
This was dangerous. I had to move away. I leaned back, distancing myself from Sara and I tried to stand up but Sara put her arms around my waist. Her lips seeking mine. I stilled. I wasn't able to respond. She kissed and kissed and kissed. Coercing me to respond. I wanted to push her away but I just couldn't. The familiar taste of her, her floral scent and the softness of her body against mine. I couldn't hold back. I kissed her back with all the pent up passion of the last few years.
I wasn't able to stay away from Sara. From that day onwards I met her every day at her home. We chatted for hours, filling each other with details of the last few years. I deliberately never spoke of Ramlah. I was uncomfortable discussing her. Ramlah was too pious to be discussed between Sara and me. Although, Sara asked many times about her. I always changed the topic.
We were relaxing on Sara's living room sofa. I was lying on the sofa and Sara was in my arms. Her back was pressed to my chest. Her head rested on my shoulder and my arms encircled her waist. I moved her hair to one side and lightly kissed her neck. Her eyes were closed, she whispered, "Fahd I can never get enough of this."
My arms tightened around her in reaction. I wanted this. Sara had always been so eager for my touch. She still melted in my arms. My male ego boosted knowing I had this kind of effect on Sara. Ramlah was never like this. There always seemed an invisible wall between us, a barrier that I was never able to break through. Sara nuzzled my neck, her lips touching my collar bone. I pushed my thoughts of Ramlah away. Sara's lips lingered on my skin. This was bliss.
****
What was I doing? I stared into the darkness. It was in the middle of the night. I wasn't able to sleep. Sara was like quick sand and I was sinking into it day by day. No day was passing by that I didn't meet her. The love for her, the need for her was rising by the minute. But the guilt was growing at a faster pace. Ramlah shifted in sleep, facing me. My eyes scanned her facial features. She slept peacefully. Her hand under her head on the pillow. It wasn't fair on her. I knew it. But I wasn't able to control myself. Sara was a drug I required but I was never content with her. The guilt was eating up my happiness. I had to stop. I took Ramlah's hand in mine, rubbing the backside of her hand with my thumb. She had such soft hands. I could never survive with Ramlah cheating on me. I will stop.... Only for her.... but the question was how?
I deliberately didn't meet Sara for the next couple of days. I had to control my desires. And I had to come up with a plan to convince Sara that this wasn't right.
"Sara please, try to understand. I can't, I have a wife waiting at home." I said standing in her living room.
She frowned and placed her hands on her hips, "Fahd you and I belong together you know that."
For some reason I couldn't agree to it, "Look Sara you are being unreasonable. You need to understand I am a married man. You and I cannot get back the way we were before. You had a chance but you blew it."
"How many times should I say sorry?" and then her tears started spilling. I felt bad, sighing I took her in my arms burying my face in her shampoo scented hair I said, "Sara why couldn't you come back a year ago? I would have happily married you."
She stiffened but remained in my arms, "I wanted to Fahd but I just....couldn't. It was hell Fahd. I can't live without you. I am sure Ramlah doesn't love you and if you leave her she will not be as devastated as me. Think about it Fahd."
My hands slid away from her body and I stepped back. Running my hands through my hair I turned around not able to face her. I couldn't leave Ramlah. I didn't know what I wanted.
"I need to go." And I walked out of her flat not looking back.
That night I drank after months. I had put myself in a very difficult situation. I wasn't able to cope with the stress. The numbing sensation after the drink relaxed my thoughts. Since then I started drinking, ignoring Ramlah's disapproving gaze. I would have broken down if I didn't drink. I needed it to survive.
Ramlah was getting on my nerves. She had become too clingy and whiny. I knew she had an idea I was meeting another woman but I had never thought she would argue with me. We quarrelled day and night. In fact, I had started to stay away from home as much as possible to avoid any confrontation with her. But I just couldn't leave her as Sara was continuing to persist me to. I was in between two women. One who was my first love and one who was my wife. I had no idea what the solution was and day by day I was getting agitated. My relationship with Sara had started tumbling down.
"Divorce her" Sara coldly stated.
My jaw clenched, "Sara this is the last time you are going to say that."
She arched a single perfectly shaped eyebrow, "Then? How do you plan to live with both of us?"
I glared at her and without a single word strode out of her home.
She shouted viciously as I stepped out, "You have to choose Fahd. Make that decision fast."
Shaking my head I slid into my car and drove fast. I desperately needed a drink. Stopping at the nearest pub, I sat alone on a bar stool as one drink led to another and another until I couldn't feel anything or think any more. The momentary numbness helped me run away from my worries.
When I reached home that night, all I wanted to do was slump on the bed and sleep for the next two days. But Ramlah had other plans. She was waiting for me at the top of the stairs and exploded. I couldn't stand it anymore, I shouted at her. I even admitted of seeing Sara. I never hit her but somehow I ended up pushing her. I had never meant to. With my groggy mind, I had realized she had fallen down the stairs but I was unable to react. I heard shouting and screaming around me of Mom and Fadil but I was too numb. And then they left. I couldn't breathe I felt suffocated in the house. I had to get away. I stumbled out of the house and head to one place I knew I will not face all this traumatic drama.
"Hey man, long time, haven't seen you" Usama shook my hand pulling me into a hug.
As soon as I stepped near him, he realized how drunk I was, "Shit man you've been drinking. Come on, I will take care of you." He pulled me into his apartment.
He helped me to lie on the sofa-cum bed. He was talking but I had no energy anymore. I eventually passed out. And then I woke up the next evening...
****
Mom opened the door when I came back late next night. Eyebrows scrunched, I looked at her, it was always Ramlah who opened the door. Where was she?
"Where were you?" Mom hissed as soon as I entered the house.
Huh? What was wrong with Mom, "I was at Usama's, why what's the matter?"
She glared at me, "Do you even remember last night?"
I sighed, "No I don't. Mom its best I will talk to you later. I just want to rest."
As I stepped on the first step of the stairs, I heard Mom, "you pushed Ramlah down the stairs and she got injured."
I stilled. My grip on the stairs railing tightened. I scurried upstairs to see Ramlah but when I opened our bedroom door, I was greeted by an empty room.
"Fadil and I rushed her to the hospital. She had fainted and was bleeding." Mom said entering my room. I faced her slowly, trying to comprehend what she was saying. My heartbeat accelerated and I started breathing hard.
"Where is she? How is she?" I said breathlessly.
Mom gazed into my eyes and her next words nearly made me fall to my knees.
"She is pregnant. She nearly lost the baby."
What have I done? "Where is she?" I growled.
"She is at her parents place" Mom replied dejectedly.
I started striding out of the room but when I passed Mom grabbed my arm, "You are not going to her."
Clenching my jaw, "why not? She is my wife."
Releasing my arm, Mom exhaled deeply, "Fahd, she has gone through a lot. Doctors have said she needs bed rest and she can't take any stress. If you go now, she would be stressed, ultimately affecting the baby's life."
I slowly sank onto the bed, burying my face into my hands I groaned, "What have I done? My baby...my baby..." I kept repeating unable to believe.
I felt Mom's hand on my shoulder and I looked up to her with tears in my eyes, "Mom I never meant to. I would never hurt her. I would never hurt them."
Mom was teary eyed as well, "I know Fahd, I know. Give Ramlah sometime, let her heal physically and emotionally and then you can ask her to come back."
My eyebrows rose, "Mom but how can I let her live away when she is pregnant."
She squeezed my shoulder tenderly, "Fahd this is best for her."
My shoulders drooped as I surrendered to the situation. I didn't like her living away from me. But this was all my doing. I will have to be patient and hopefully she will be ready to come back.
****
I just couldn't believe I was to become a father. I had never thought of a baby. My baby. Ramlah's baby. Our baby. A little girl with Ramlah's dark hair and eyes or a boy as naughty as me. I smiled thinking of how life would transform. I will change for our baby. I made a resolution that I will become a better person for our baby.
The next evening I was working on my laptop when I heard a commotion outside the door. Intrigued, I went downstairs to all the noise. Fadil had come and he was shouting. As soon as he saw me he barged into me and punched me. I was startled and the side of my face hit the wall.
"What the F***?" I groaned.
"I'll tell you what the f*** my problem is." He grabbed my collar and pushed me into the wall and raised his fist to punch me again but Mom clutched his arm pulling him away.
"Fadil ,no, stop. This is not the solution."
Gritting his teeth he growled, "No it is not the solution but I want him to feel what pain is. How dare he inflict violence on others who are weaker than him?"
"Fadil it was an accident" Mom begged tugging his arm.
Fadil shrugged his arm, "Mom please don't get in between. I am going to show him what he deserves."
"No you will not. Enough Fadil, he is older than you, have some respect."
"Respect for him? Who doesn't respect his own wife? Who is determined to kill her? Never." he infuriated.
"Shut the F*** up Fadil. How many times I have told you stay out of my marriage and away from my wife." I shouted pushing him away from me.
"I was the one who took her to the hospital. She probably would have died if I wasn't here."
We both glared at each other. I had no response I couldn't contradict him when I knew he was right. I tried again to push him away. But he grasped my arm roughly, "You are going to take professional help if you want to live. Do you understand? I don't want to hear no from you." He commanded ferociously.
"We will see." I murmured and this time I pushed him hard and left the room.
****
That night I went to Sara's to finally tell her it was over. As I stepped into her flat I was shocked to see her in skimpy clothes. She was wearing sleeveless and backless above the knee length dress. I was astonished, standing motionless. I didn't know how to react. She dragged me in. I had never seen her dressed this way.
Whatever I had come to say had been forgotten. Words were not being formed. I was completely blank. She smiled seductively and wound her arms around me.
"It's been two weeks since we have been back. I thought we should celebrate." She whispered into my ear in a sultry voice.
I swallowed my emotionally clogged throat and untangled myself from her, "Sara no. I can't stay. I... I... look it's all over. I don't want to continue what we have or had. I am a husband and ... and soon to be a father." I whispered the last part of the sentence.
For a moment I saw rage flicker in her blue green eyes but soon she changed her expressions that I thought I might have imagined. Taking my hand in hers, she smiled invitingly, "Come on just one last drink then."
Something was not right. The way she was acting but I agreed nevertheless, "Ok" I nodded.
I settled on the sofa as she brought in champagne bottle and burst it open. Bubbles and fizz spilled as she poured into two wine glasses. But before she could give me one of the glasses she went back into the kitchen and after few minutes came back.
Finally, she handed me a glass which I took warily. She held out her glass, "To our wonderful past." She clinked her glass with mine.
I was getting restless and drank all of my champagne in two gulps. It tasted weird and different. Shaking my head, I rested back on the sofa. I wasn't feeling well. Somewhat dizzy, I felt Sara's lips on my cheek, my neck, my ear and finally my lips. Settling on my lap, she kissed me passionately I tried to move her away but my strength was lessening. I wasn't even able to lift my hands. What was going on? She straddled me with her legs wrapping around my hips. I wasn't able to see well. Everything was getting blurry. She took off her dress and tossed it on the ground but before I could push her away or shout at her everything turned black.
I am back guyz. Thank you all for all your wishes, alhumdulilah my holiday was great. So what do you think? Fahd did right? Do you agree with him?
This chapter was to have two parts but there is still some more need to be written on Fahd so the chapter will have three parts. I shall update the third part very soon in a day or two as it is half written. Next update changes the story completely. ;-)
Finding You has reached 20k reads and 3k votes. Thank you to all my readers for their continuous support even when I was away I would get people's messages, it really made me happy ;-)
Until next time,
Assalam u alikum warahamutallahi wabarakatuhu