(28) Kelsea - Friday 8th September, 11.45 p.m, Hallway
I haven't wrote for days, and opening this book and dragging the pen along the sturdy paper feels like coming home to something I really did miss. Life hasn't been that exciting up until today, and there is no point writing about things which are uneventful, or things which don't make me experience much emotion.
But today Lucy came into my room at half six when I was just waking up and she was fully dressed even though she's been told to sleep as much as she can in the morning. She sat down beside me on the bed, and God she looked so scared it made me feel sick.
"Kelsea, what are these?" She whispered to me. I had no idea what she was on about; I was looking for some sort of object but after a few seconds I noticed she had her sleeve rolled up and there were faint little dark spots all over her arms. Little bruises.
"I don't know," was my shaky reply. "I don't know."
So there wasn't anything I could do, and we had to go to school as usual and I listened to music with a very silent Demi in the common room. When I got home, Kale was waiting for me on the doorstep. Lucy smiled at me as if she was pleased I still had friends or something, and he let her go into the house, but eyed me with a strange look as I came to a halt in front of him.
"I can't stay away for any longer," he announced bravely. His hair was the same as ever but he just looked so familiar and comforting that it hurt, and he had a coat on for once, of which he was playing with the zip.
I stared at him, and then he stepped closer to me. And I nodded, and that was all he needed to continue.
"I was expecting you to tell me that you did need me," he whispered, and God he looked like a little helpless lion so much that I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my head in his chest.
"I thought that you thought you'd made a mistake," I whispered almost inaudibly. I wasn't sure he had heard me, until his fingers found the underside of my chin and my face was lifted so that I was staring up into his eyes which were so soft and gentle and like a calm, calm ocean.
"No." And Kale kissed me right on the mouth and it was everything that our other kiss hadn't been - it was hard and lingering and desperate. I leaned so much into it that after a few seconds, we both had to pull away quite violently for air.
"No?" I repeated. My smile felt flirtatious, something new that I was trying out. I raised an eyebrow and Kale grinned, then leaned in just to kiss my lower lip alone, and I didn't care if someone was watching us. I had been waiting for this for days. But thankfully, we were too close to the house for Lucy to look out her bedroom window and look down and see us.
"Definitely not," he confirmed in a firm whisper, both of his hands resting on my hips.
We sat out there for ages and talked, having managed to squeeze onto a bit of wall near the front of the garden. Kale held one of my hands in both of his, as he talked about his day in the recording studio and some really bad bands that had somehow managed to win a competition to get signed. He asked about school and I was happily telling him that Demi and I are on good terms when my mother's car sped into the small driveway and when I looked at his face, Kale was watching closely as she climbed out. She had completely ignored both of us, and was walking up to the front door, wobbling on her black high heels when he decided to shout out.
"Evening, Ms."
It had to have been weird that I hadn't even spoken to her and she hadn't even spoken to me but then I reminded myself that Kale knew we didn't get along great. I was praying that she would turn around but I was also praying that she wouldn't and I don't know why.
Anyway, there was a silence that was lingering as she stopped very suddenly at the door and maybe she hasn't been called Ms in a long while and had to check if Kale was actually speaking to her. But when she spun around her face was completely neutral - not one percent either way.
"Hi, Kale." She nodded, then her eyes landed on me. "How was school, Kelsea?"
"Fine."
She ignored that fact that we were holding hands, then ushered herself inside which in my head would be an amusing image, but right then it just meant that she rushed inside.
I don't know why I just stood up and pulled my hand away from Kale's as she shut the door behind her, or why I began to walk away from the drive. I guess that I was angry and I wanted attention suddenly, attention that neither of my parents gave me and only Kale did. And now I was asking for more from him.
"Oh, what have I done wrong?" He called after me as I stormed away. His footsteps were loud and heavy and the air smelt so much of earth and clean dirt and grass and rainwater. I turned the corner and didn't reply.
"Kelsea," he called, and for the first time he sounded angry. It made me stop, and I wished that everything else would, too, but life stops for absolutely no one.
"I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing." I turned to face him, as a car flew past, and I expected him to give up on me or whatever I am there and then, but he only walked closer until he was standing right in front of me. There was no contact.
His eyes willed me to explain.
"Look. I just- I can't bring the two together. I can't bring you and my mother together into one life. I can't bring my mother and father together into one life. I can't bring hardly anything together Kale, because it makes everything too real and I can't deal with things like that." I took in a deep breath.
He only stared.
"It's like, when I see girls at school, girls who are very good at doing homework, but apparently have boyfriends outside of school and they go to parties and they have lives, I can't picture it because I'm not good at picturing things like that. Do you get it, Kale?"
"Yes." He nodded slowly, and he was beginning to take my hand and stroke it gently. "I get it, but I don't see why it has to matter. It doesn't matter."
We left it like that. Kale understands and that's all I need to live on. I walked back to our road with him, and there we were in the middle of the road with him grasping my hand and me holding onto his and anyone could see if they wanted to, and there we were kissing, and there Kale was with his fingers curled around my nape, his other arm wrapped around my waist and there I was with my arms limply by my sides - and I am definitely not smooth or romantic but Kale made me feel for once that I could be a bit attractive.
He pulled back after a few seconds, and I titled my head to the side as he watched me with something I couldn't quite grasp. His eyes were dark, but not demeaning.
More amused.
"What?"
"Nothing." He paused. "Well, something, I guess."
I watched him for a long time as leaves blew around us - just little fragments - and for a split second, the universe smelt of them. And when Kale didn't reply I stood away from him with my hands firmly on my hips. I don't know why I just can't be satisfied.
"What?" I pressed again, harder this time.
Kale came closer to me again. It was as if we were magnets that didn't exist - magnets with brains. Maybe that's what we are. Because I want nothing more than Kale but I keep running away, and he's sick and tired of it probably, but keeps coming towards me.
He took my hands in his - slow, soft, steady. Then, "I want to take you out. Somewhere . . . Somewhere."
Relief washed over me, and it didn't stop until I was left feeling so corroded by it that I could barely keep my head from spinning. I smiled and even on my face it felt sleepy and lethargic; I just couldn't help but make it a grin and I couldn't help but wrap my arms around his neck.
Kale's taller than me, but not gigantic. I'm tall - taller than Demi, and in competition with those popular girls like Flora and Elle. I've always been tall. But I'm glad that when I wrapped my arms around Kale like that, his chin was at the top of my head and my nose rested against his collarbone, over the top of his coat. And it couldn't have been a better fit.
"Okay, where are you taking me?" I sounded so coy that it felt like another person was speaking for me. And I looked up into his deep sea green eyes which were currently filled with torrents and volatility.
"Uh . . . Tomorrow evening, there's a bonfire down at the beach. They do it every year, have you ever been?"
"No." I watched him for a while and I couldn't help but notice my stomach tug. I am going on a date with Kale. A date? With Kale Atticus. Tomorrow!
"I used to go there with my friends. It's fun. And there are some pretty great restaurants along there too." He was so casual about it, as I stared up at him and he stared up at me with a slight, probing smile. He looked at me in a testing way, as if waiting for my stamp of approval.
And when I blurted out, "That sounds great," it was as if his whole face broke and out came a grinning beam, a beaming grin. And he nodded, looking very shy and very pleased, then grabbed my hand almost roughly, as if he was far too excited, and kissed the palm.
"I guess I will see you tomorrow then, Kelsea Richardson," he whispered against my fingers, and then after dropping my hand by my side gently, he smiled happily - purely happily, with no other way to describe it.
All I could say was "Bye Kale," with an extremely stupid-feeling grin on my face.
And he watched me go all the way until I was inside my house with the door closed.
Kelsea x