|| THIS IS A WARNING FROM THE CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF CRAZY LUXSOKA FANFIC WRITERS, Ms Sharron Kennith. PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS ANGSTY MOMENTS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT PROVOKE SERIOUS OUTBREAKS OF FEELS. THANK YOU. ||
Ahsoka
Ahsoka took a deep breath as Lux slid partway from his cocoon of sheets to listen. She hadn't even bothered to notice how funny he looked – she was too wrapped up in her own thoughts to wonder why he was wrapped up in blankets.
"I thought long and hard about how I was going to word this, Lux. But, now that I'm here... All the words are just gone." She turned her gaze to the ceiling for a moment, sighing exasperatedly at her lack of emotional control.
"Well, start from the beginning, then," he told her levelly.
But whatever calmness his voice had given her was immediately flushed away when she realized he wasn't wearing a shirt.
Force, why does it have to be like this? Her conscience wailed. Why can't I just learn to let him go, why can't he stop being so wonderful and lovely and perfect, why?
"We... we can't keep doing this, Lux."
"What do you mean?" Lux asked, but there was a new seriousness to his tone that meant that he didn't like where she was going.
"I mean... I can't do this. It's wrong for a Jedi to be as attached as I am, and... It's wrong for a Senator to be on such terms with someone of a lesser class." She closed her eyes for a moment. A part of her wished she could keep them closed forever, because she didn't know what she would find when she opened them again.
"You... What are you saying?" he whispered in quiet disbelief, sitting up. She forced herself to look away. She knew she wouldn't be able to take what she saw buried in his grey-blue-green orbs if their eyes just happened to meet.
"Last night was wrong. All the stolen kisses were just wrong. This isn't how it's supposed to be, Lux. I believe in attachment, and you believe in putting the wants and needs of others above your own. We're both forbidden from being selfish... And putting giving more importance to one person than to many is something we've both sworn not to do."
"Ahsoka–"
"No. We can't be friends anymore, Lux." He tried to cut in again, but she carried on before he could speak. "We can't be... anything anymore. Not friends, not close friends, and not... And not sweethearts."
She cringed when she felt the last bits of hope Lux had been clinging to sink like stones.
He exhaled heavily, looking down. She watched as he ran the fingers on one hand slowly through his hair for a moment, before the sheer amount of emotion playing across his face forced her to look away.
"Ahsoka–"
"Lux, please... Don't make this any harder." She took a shaky breath. "I... I don't even know what to say anymore, I–"
And suddenly his fingertips tilted her chin up and his lips were on hers. For a few seconds, without thinking, Ahsoka let herself lean in, kissing him back. But then reality kicked in and she forced herself away.
"No, I..." She scrambled to her feet. "You... We... I can't."
"I'm sorry, I... don't know what I was thinking," Lux said, his eyes wide. But he was too late to catch her as she made a break for the door. "No, Ahsoka, wait!"
But she never stopped running.
About an hour later, Ahsoka found herself curled up in a ball on steps leading up to the terrace from the waterways, crying her eyes out. Her tears were inconsolable, and as those she had wiped away had been immediately replaced with three more, she had given up and just let herself cry.
It's okay, even if it hurts. This will all help me detach myself; detach, detach, she repeated to herself over and over again. But, somehow, she couldn't quite convince herself to believe that her efforts to distance herself from Lux were worth it.
She loved him. She truly did love him, but there was still that nagging voice in the back of her mind that would remind her of her place every time she let him in.
And then, suddenly, she heard soft footsteps pad across the smooth stonework towards her. She quickly reached out with the Force, and was rewarded with an image of a beautifully kind, motherly face framed by dark brown curls.
"G-go away, Padme," she whispered in between sobs. She wasn't bothering to care at the moment that she had just committed a serious breach in Jedi protocol to someone who was technically her superior. "I j-just want to be a-alone."
"I know. But you're going to be alone with someone instead," the Senator replied gently. There was a swish of costly fabric as she sat down next to the distraught Jedi Padawan, and then as she smoothed the folds of her dress into place around her. "Tell me what's on your mind."
"H-have you ever had your heart broken, Padme?"
"Once or twice. Is that it, then? Is that why you're out here like this?"
She nodded sadly, the sudden appearance of a sob stopping her from speaking. "L-Lux," the young Jedi Padawan finally managed to say.
The older woman put her arms around Ahsoka's shoulders, pulling her into an affectionate hug. "But he's too good a boy to break your heart intentionally!"
"H-he is, and... that was the problem. I knew it couldn't work, a-and– and he wasn't letting himself see that. I did what I had to do b-before it ended badly. For... for both of us." Ahsoka sighed, her eyes meeting those of the woman who had become something of a mother to her. "I don't think you'd understand..."
"Oh, but I do! I know how you feel, Ahsoka. More than you know." Suddenly a reminiscent smile came to Padme's lips. "There was once someone who loved me very dearly for a long time, and, even as I was falling for him, I thought that it wouldn't work out between us. I tried pushing him away; I made myself let go."
"A-and... What happened?" she asked, curiosity getting the better of her.
"Do you know the old saying: 'Divided we fall'? We loved one another in our own separate ways for a long time, believing that separation was best. But when we finally landed on the ground with all our wits about us, it turned out that we weren't so far apart in the end..."
And with that, Padme stood up. "I'll leave you to think on that."
As the Senator walked back inside, the shiny mauve fabric of her dress sparkling in the light, Ahsoka let out a frustrated breath. She had never felt so conflicted about her feelings in her entire life, except when–
"Onderon... Oh Force, Steela," Ahsoka breathed. "This is exactly like Steela."
Her and Lux's shared history had a funny way of repeating itself.
*Hello all... Sorry for the angsty chapter. And also the fact that I HAVEN'T UPDATED THIS IN A MONTH AND FIVE DAYS PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!! *big beautiful puppy eyes*
And the whole Steela situation that came between Lux and Ahsoka *whacks LuxSteela canon back into the drawer of poor TCW plot choices where it belongs because YUCK* may or may not foreshadow what'll happen in this story... But, as far as I know, Annina isn't going to die. Although there have been nights when I've contemplated killing her off for sport because she DARED TO COME BETWEEN MY OTP
*reminds self that I wrote her into the story and that her existence is my fault* Okay, I'll just shut up and go back to blaming myself for that now. And I bet you can't guess who Padme's talking about... And that certain someone might just make an appearance later in the story...
And I'm ALSO sorry for not updating anything else in the last week and a bit. School and life has been unbelievably hectic, evoking passionate OH COME ON IT'S THE FIRST WEEK BACK FOR CRYING OUT LOUD GO EASY ON ME outbursts from me. And, on top of that, I have a school concert tomorrow that I had to practice overtime for, as well as learn a bunch of new pieces THAT ARE WAY BEYOND MY LEVEL for a concert band program I'll be taking part in outside of school soon. (I play trombone.) And exams are coming up – 'nuff said.
Well, I've presented my excuses to the court, so I'll leave you all to judge. Even though I'll probably be declared guilty of taking too long to update as charged... And I'll post again sometime later this week, with a suspenseful new chapter...
Bye!
PS: PRINCESS LEIA IS GOING TO BE IN STAR WARS REBELS I JUST FOUND OUT OMG IT'S SO BRILLIANT AND I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT I JUST CAN'T EVEN- *dies* *resurrects self because I must finish all my fanfics before I die* *goes back to writing*