I opened my eyes, he was laying next to me, holding my hand, his forehead pressed against mine. He was still dressed with his red shirt and black jeans, the same he was wearing last time I saw him.
It took me quite a while to recall what happened. An instant nausea suddenly hit me and I just had the time to run to the bathroom.
What happened? While cleaning myself, I remembered it all. I was heading home, saw a crowd in front of the building and I was told what happened. Something happened to Sarah... They said they slit her wrists but Sarah would have never done such a thing. It was impossible... Impossible.
I went back to the room where Tom was now sitting on the bed, his head in his hand.
He raised his head when he heard me coming and I noticed his tired eyes...
What happened...?
I remembered waking up in my bedroom with Janelle standing next to me... But why Janelle.
"Are you ok?" He asked me.
"Yeah... What happened? Where's Sarah"
He sighed and rubbed his eyes before taking my hand and drawing me closer.
"I got a call from Sarah's mother yesterday... She asked me to come to the hospital. When Mike and I got there she told us Sarah slit her wrists. She was being treated so we were waiting to see the doc. Meanwhile, I got a call from Janelle telling me that you fainted. Shortly after the doctor came to let us know that Sarah had lost a lot of blood but the wounds were not that deep."
Thank god! I sighed in relief, glad to know that she would get better.
"So she's ok?"
He looked at me with an empty look and I immediately understood something was wrong.
"What is it"
"She... Apparently, she also took a whole bunch of pills in the process. She's in a coma..."
No... No... Impossible!!!
"W... What do you mean?"
"She tried to commit suicide, Lya... She swallowed a lot of pills. Some less dangerous than the others. They managed to cleanse most it. But they said it caused some serious damaged. They asked us to go home. They said they will know more today"
I couldn't believe any of the words he said. It didn't make sense. I saw Sarah just a few days before.
"Why would she do that?" I asked, unable to hold the flow of tears that was falling from my eyes"
He held me in his arms as tight as he could. I was shocked. Unable to comprehend the turn of events. Why would Sarah do something like that? It just didn't make sense to me.
That's when I realized that I could be one of the cause of her sudden despair. I remembered what she told me last time I saw her and it started to come together.
'You took the only person I had left away from me'
That was what she told me a few days ago. Could it be it? Could it be what made her giving up on all hopes?
"I'm sorry I was not with you when you passed out..." Tom said while caressing my cheek, making me snap out of my reflection.
"I'd rather know you at the hospital... I'm OK..."
I looked at his tired face and his sad expression. None of us of OK, I knew that much. We were probably both thinking about the same thing, and desperately hoping that day would be better than the day before.
"You should sleep some more" I said while kissing his forehead.
"Nah... I'm just gonna hop in the shower and head to the hospital... Her mother is probably be there already"
I understood. I was restless too, even though I couldn't pretend to know how he felt. He sounded incredibly calm and composed. It was nothing like that time, at Mike's party, when he learned Sarah had been in an accident and left without letting me know.
I couldn't understand how he managed to kept his cool that morning. But thinking about it, he was maybe doing his best in order to not get me worried.
"Then I'm coming with you" I said while holding his hand.
He looked at me, half surprised, but simply noded for all answer and took me with him to the shower.
We rode the train until the hospital in a complete silence. I kept remembering the last conversation I had with Sarah. I kept remembering her smile when knocking at my door. That smile that was nothing but honest. I kept remembering her words.
Even though I knew I hurt her with my selfishness, I was a million miles from imagining it hurt her that badly. I stupidly tried to compare my pain when Tom and I broke up to her, when there was nothing to compare. The truth is I had no idea about how she felt. Even if I pretended to care, I actually never did. I was just to soaked into my happiness with Tom that I deliberately set aside the fact that she was probably suffering from our actions.
Even though we did what we thought right, maybe we should have thought this through before. I should have been a better friend to her and thought about her feelings more. But no... I just put myself first and that was all what mattered to me: my own little happiness.
I pretended to care when I did nothing to actually help her. I never went to see her. I never tried to talk to her. She did. And even when she came to me, instead of listening and understanding, I got irritated. I didn't want to listen. I pretended to be her friend when I was the reason of her pain... And I just never cared.
I had this horrible feeling in me. A terrible feeling of guilt. The feeling you get when you realize how much of an awful person you are.
I used to think I was a good person. I used to think I was there for the people who mattered to me. I thought it so much that managed to convince myself. But thinking back... Who have I ever cared for beside me? I used to have people I called friends in high school. I relied on them for years while feeding them a lie all along. When I left, I just disappeared and never gave news because I no longer needed them. Not once I have thought about them since. Not once I have wondered how they must have felt.
Same goes for Sarah. Once she was becoming a nuisance to get what I wanted, I just stopped caring and never thought about her feelings.
So what about Tom? Would I do the same to him once he would become an obstacle to what I want? Was it what Sarah meant when she asked me if I was ready to give up on everything for him?
I looked at Tom who was resting his eyes. No way... I never cared for anyone like I care about him. I never loved anyone before I met him. He was what I wanted the most. He was my everything. How could I give up on the only person that makes me happy on this planet?
I wondered what was going on in his mind. I wondered if he was also thinking about the reasons that led Sarah to do such a thing. I wondered if he felt the same guilt I was feeling.
Once we get to the waiting room of the intensive care unit, Mike was already there, holding the hand of a woman I never saw before. I immediately assumed she was Sarah's mother. There was no doubt about it. She had the same blue eyes, the same doll face, the same long black hair.
"Any news?" Tom asked.
"Nah man... Same as last night" Mike answered before nodding toward me. Just like Tom, I could tell he barely slept. His eyes were red and his face looked extremely tired.
"How are you, Maria?" Tom asked toward Sarah's mother.
She raised her head and her eyes stopped at the vision of my hand entwined in Tom's one.
"Are you...? Who is she?" She asked surprised.
Right... She probably didn't know about me.
"She's my girlfriend... She also knows Sarah. She lives at the residence..."
Her eyes widened and I saw tears forming in her eyes.
"She never told me... She never told me you guys were no longer together..." She said in a shaky voice.
It surprised me. So Sarah never told her mom about breaking up with Tom?
Tom turned to me and whispered to my ear.
"Hey... Why don't you go get a coffee or something..."
I didn't want to leave him. But I knew why he said that. The way she was looking at me said it all. She was thinking the exact same thing I was thinking.
"Mike... Can you take Lya to the cafeteria?" Tom asked.
"Yeah... Sure"
I followed Mike, still looking at Tom and Sarah's mother until they disappear from my field of vision.
We settled at the small cafeteria of the fifth floor toward a coffee I had no desire to drink.
"Are you OK?" Mike asked.
"No... I'm worried to death. Did they tell you anything this morning?"
"Nothing more than what they said yesterday. She's still in the same state"
I looked at my cup for a minute, repeating myself the same question again and again.
I remembered Sarah's mother gaze when she figured out I was Tom's girlfriend and it bothered me. Because I knew she read that guilt in my eyes. Because I knew she figured out my thoughts.
Tears started flowing on their own, without I could prevent them. Mike, a little shaken with my sudden behavior, was startled.
"Lya... What's going on?"
"I keep thinking that if Sarah's here today is partly because of me."
He stared at me and froze for a few seconds before looking away.
"What are you saying? It has nothing to do with you..."
From his reaction, I knew he knew the reason of her despair too. He thought about it as well. He just didn't want to say it out loud.
"She came to my place a few days ago... To talk about Tom. She was in love with him. And I knew it... I knew it and I still did what I did. She said that I took the only person she had left. I... I thought they were just words... I should have went to see her. I should have checked if she was alright. I should have done what any real friend would do. But I didn't. I pretended to care when all I have been doing really was being selfish. All I cared was about me"
I suddenly felt Mike's arm wrapping around my shoulder and pulling my head against his chest, where I cried, like unstoppable.
"It's not your fault Lya. Nor Tom's. Sarah... She always had problems. She always kept everything inside. Ever since I known her, she was always more sensitive than anyone else. Her life... Her life has always been complicated. And no one could have known what was going on in her head. I did call her many times and nothing seemed wrong. She was a little depressed but she was still her usual self. So if you think you are responsible for what happened then I am too. Because I should have checked on her more. She probably had other things going on. So you have no reason to blame yourself. I'm sure she will be fine"
Mike's arms and words were the best comfort I needed. I couldn't tell all that to Tom who probably had a lot going on in his head already. Even though it didn't erase my guilt, talking to him made me feel slightly better. He held me in his arms until I stopped crying, which took quite a while to be honest, and kept repeating me that it was not my fault.
We went back to the waiting room 30 minutes later, where Tom and Sarah's mother were sitting both looking at the floor.
Tom looked at me and nodes to Mike's attention, as to say it was OK to come back. I sat next to Tom who took my hand in his while glancing at me. I knew he could see I had cried and I didn't want him to. So I just lowered my head and looked at the floor.
We waited... 1 hour... 2 hours... 3 hours...The wait was endless. Every time a doctor entered the waiting room, we all flinched thinking it was news from Sarah but immediately felt a mix of relief and anxiety when we realized it was for someone else. It was unbearable.
At some point, I closed my eyes and was feeling myself falling asleep.
"Mrs Colton?" I heard.
I immediately woke up and saw a man, in his forties, wearing a white blouse and wearing small rounded glasses. My first reflex was to look at his facial expression, but nothing could indicate he was bringing good or bad news.
Sarah's mother slowly got up, obviously feeling anxious, holding tightly onto Tom's hand who walked with her toward the doctor. The three of them stepped out of the waiting room and just walked a few steps away from the entrance, where I still could see them.
My heart started racing.. Faster and faster... I glanced at Mike who was looking at them with a visible anxiety. He then looked my way and put his hand on mine...
"It's alright Lya..."
My heart was racing so hard I thought it was going to explode. It was getting harder and harder to breathe and I thought I should calm down before I passed out again. I tried to inhale and exhale out slowly and closed my eyes.
'It's alright Lya... Calm down. Just close your eyes and breathe. When you will open your eyes, everything will be alright... Until now, everything's OK... Everything's OK... Everything's OK... Everything's OK...." I told myself to calm myself down, while slowly breathing. I could still feel my heart racing but it became manageable, now my eyes were closed.
Everything's gonna be alright...
My heart stopped.I heard a scream... And then I heard Tom's voice yelling 'No' repeatedly. I heard him say he wanted to see her... I felt Mike's hand tightening mine while shaking... I closed my eyes tighter to ignore the pain that was paralyzing my whole body, like if each of my muscle was ripped one by one. I shook my head off and kept my eyes closed. As long as they were closed, nothing was set yet.
When you will open your eyes, everything will be alright.
I couldn't feel Mike's hand anymore. I couldn't feel anything anymore...
So I slowly opened my eyes...
Mike was gone. Sarah's mother was crying in the doctor's arm and Tom... Tom was sitting, his back stuck to the wall, holding his head in his hand.
When I opened my eyes, I knew everything would be different but nothing was alright anymore.