I've never given much thought as to the type of person I would fall hopelessly in love with. Although, I know if I did, a serial killer would not be on the list. And yet, I still loved him; every little part.
Unconditionally.
***
I woke up the next morning feeling groggy; my eyes were red and puffy with the crying and my head was throbbing. I had gotten little sleep last night, most of it was spent in my own tears.
I didn't get up right away as usual, I lay there, lifeless. I wished that I didn't have to move, that I could lie still forever, but even I knew that wasn't possible.
I swung my legs over the side of my bed and sat up, although way too quickly. I rubbed my aching forehead and shut my eyes tightly, waiting for the room to stand still again. When the dizziness disappeared, I stood up and made my way over to my bedroom door - I just needed to get out.
There was a part of me that longed for the truth to be a dream - or even a bigger lie in itself. The more rational part of myself told me that it was real, and there was no way I could hide it.
After I discovered the secret and drove home, I crashed onto my bed and cried. There was no other emotion that could take over, only depression. Then came the rage and fury, knowing that such a secret had been kept from me. Finally, came the pain, which never seemed to leave.
Every time I thought of him (whose name I would prefer not to use as I'm not sure which name I should use) the pain struck again. I tried hard not to think of him but that was impossible. A thought not even I could conquer.
I wallowed in self-pity the entire day, until I had an idea. I phoned Hannah and asked if we could have a girls' night out and maybe go clubbing. Hannah, being the party animal she is, agreed.
I still had loads of time to waste during the day, and the more time I spent doing nothing meant the more time I was thinking about my discovery. So, I phoned Poddy and asked him if I could go for a ride on his motorbike. Thankfully, he said yes.
I met Poddy outside my apartment block half an hour later. He was leaning against his bike puffing on a cigarette, although he threw it away when he saw me.
"Poddy!" I cried. I ran up to him and hugged him tightly, inhaling in his comfortable scent. In that short embrace I forgot about yesterday. I hadn't seen Poddy in weeks and didn't realise how much I'd missed him.
"I've missed you so much." I mumbled into his chest before pulling away.
"Is everything OK?" Poddy inquired.
I realised that if I kept acting like that it wouldn't be long until he mentioned you-know-who so I faked a smile and nodded, "Yep. Now, are we getting on this bike or not?"
Poddy chuckled before lifting me up and positioning me comfortably on his death machine. Poddy got on himself before revving the engine, bringing the beast to life.
Poddy accelerated and instantly we zoomed down the road. I didn't even feel where he started off, one minute we were standing still, the next on the road. I didn't have my helmet on as I took it off when Poddy wasn't looking - I didn't want any restrictions. The wind was rushing through my hair at high speed. I had to close my eyes to stop the speed of the wind from hurting them. My arms were wrapped tightly around Poddy's lower abdomen and I could feel his muscular chest beneath his shirt.
All my cares and worries seemed to disappear during the journey. All that was going through my mind was the wind and that I was clinging to one of my best friends. Never once did I stress about crashing - like I usually did - this time I just enjoyed the ride.
I looked to my right and saw the sun setting in the distance behind the mountains. I would have to go out with Hannah soon. I leaned my head on Poddy's shoulder as I saw my apartment block emerge from the haze. Soon, Poddy was outside my house, and it was time for me to be alone again.
"Abby!" he exclaimed as I hopped off the bike, "You weren't wearing a helmet!"
I didn't care if he was angry, there wasn't much he could do about it now. "I just didn't feel like it,"
"Didn't feel like it?! You could've been killed. It's illegal! I'm a police officer!"
I hugged Poddy, in a way to get him to shut up but I was also saying goodbye. "Not yet," I reminded him, "you're not a police officer yet."
I pulled away from him and entered my flat, the silence all to eery and welcomed many thoughts - thoughts I was trying to push away into the back of my mind for as long as possible. When I got in my bedroom I turned my music on full blast and started to get ready.
I sat in my room for over an hour, doing things girls are supposed to do before they go out. I curled my hair, put on makeup and dressed in the shortest skirt I could find - which only reached mid-thigh.
I made sure to wear waterproof mascara. The whole point of this night was to forget about...him, but I couldn't help it if I suddenly remembered.
I heard a car horn beep outside, Hannah was here. I grabbed my purse and checked myself one last time in the mirror. I wiped a few stray tears from my eyes before heading out the door.
Hannah had her rave music up as far as it would go in the car. This was good as the sound of the dubstep blocked out any thinking. All that was going through my head was the beats that blasted through the stereo.
As we got out of the car I only realised that this was the place Emily brought me last year, the place I met Steve. Hannah pulled me inside and I recognised the familiar interior instantly.
I was dragged over to the dance floor and forced to dance. The same kind of music that was played in Hannah's car was also playing now - perfect. I copied Hannah's dance moves, mimicking every swish of her hips and every movement of her arms.
I was finally enjoying myself when a remix of Beyoncé's Best Thing I Never Had came on. I excused myself from Hannah and pushed through the crowd, fighting the mist that was appearing in my eyes. Eventually, I reached the bar and sat down at one of the leather stools.
"Want a drink?"
I looked around to see a man looking back at me. His eyes were hopeful, but I didn't pay attention to anything else about him. I knew he was hitting on me.
"No thanks," I said as politely as possible.
As he walked away I stared at the shelves of alcohol behind the bar. Maybe if I drink some it would help me forget the pain. That's what alcohol did, right? I shrugged my shoulders, one drink couldn't do much harm.
"Excuse me, can I please have a vodka and Coke?" I asked the bartender hopefully, although I wasn't really sure of what I just ordered.
After a while a drink was set in front of me. It was a lightish brown colour - the colour of diluted Coca-Cola - in a tall glass with several ice cubes and a slice of lime. I picked up the glass warily and held it to my nose, inhaling the scent. It smelt strange. I ignored my rational senses and took a big, long drink of the strange liquid.
The alcohol tasted weird, and burned my throat, but I didn't care because I knew it would fulfil its purpose. After that I ordered a gin and tonic, then another vodka and Coke. I didn't care that what I was drinking tasted revolting, because slowly but surely, each sip I took numbed the pain a little more. Soon, I switched my diluted weak drinks for things that were a little stronger - and eventually just drank pure vodka. Every sip I could feel myself loose a little bit of sense.
After my ninth drink, I headed back over to the dance floor. The moves seemed to come much more naturally now. I didn't even know what song was playing, or who I was dancing with, but I felt happy. Finally, I found Hannah and bounced on over to her.
"Hey, Hannah!" I chirped.
"Have you been drinking?" Hannah asked suspiciously.
I held up my index finger, "Just one, just one."
Hannah narrowed her eyes at me. What was her problem? She drank all the time and I didn't complain! Why couldn't I just have fun for once. Was Abby Winston not allowed to have fun?
I dragged Hannah by the hand into the middle of the dance floor and started to dance. Hannah didn't look like she was enjoying herself, so I offered to buy her a drink, but she refused firmly. I simply shrugged my shoulders, she doesn't have to have fun.
Eventually, I ditched Hannah. She was being too much of a killjoy. I walked around until I found someone who looked like they were having a good time. Then I found the man who offered to buy me a drink.
I danced beside him, and he didn't even seem to mind. When I actually paid attention I realised that he was extremely ugly. He had shaggy black hair, and facial features which were too sharp. I didn't even leave though, I was enjoying myself; or at least I thought I was.
"So, what's you're name, beautiful?" he said to me.
I winced at the pet name. The one who I was trying to forget called me that sometimes. "Abigail," I replied, using my full name for once. I didn't want him to know what I actually called myself. Nicknames were for friends only.
"What a nice name. So what brings you here?"
I ignored the fact that he didn't tell me his own name. "I'm just looking for a good time."
He bent down so he could whisper in my ear, "I'm sure I could show you one."
Before I could reply, I felt a hand grip around my wrist and tug me away from the man. I was being pulled towards the door; and couldn't escape, no matter how much I struggled. I focused more clearly to see a lean figure with red hair in front of me.
"Hannah!" I exclaimed, "Let me go!"
Hannah just ignored me and continued to drag my wrist. If anything, her grip had gotten tighter. Soon, we were out at her car. She shoved me into the passenger's seat and tugged me seat-belt on me, before getting in herself.
"You're drunk," she stated firmly. Then, she put her keys in the ignition and reversed out of her parking space.
"I am not!" I said defensively, although my words were practically incoherent.
"What's wrong, Abby? 'Cause we all know how much you hate alcohol."
I hung my head, "I needed a change," I mumbled.
"Are you going to really tell me what's going on?"
I shook my head. I heard Hannah sigh but continued to drive. I couldn't help but wonder if Hannah had anything to drink, she seemed innocently sober but I could never tell with Hannah. We spend the rest of the journey in silence.
After about half an hour, Hannah pulled up in front of my apartment block. I mumbled a thank you before getting out of her car. As I entered the building, a sigh escaped my lips when I discovered the elevator was out of order. Slowly, I scaled the stairs, each step killing me more emotionally and physically. I was still drunk and I swayed as I walked, nothing seemed to stand still.
I finally reached my apartment. I let myself in and raced straight towards my bedroom. I threw myself onto my bed and started the whole process from last night again. Nothing I could do would stop me from remembering, or stop the pain. I needed to face reality and realise that there is no escape.
I will never be able to change that.
No matter how much I try.