Still half asleep I roll over in bed reaching to find the comfort and warmth of the boy I haven't felt in so long, only to find the space next me empty and cold. I fully open my eyes and see that Peeta has left.
Disappointed, I toss the sheets off of my frail body and get out off bed. I go to the bathroom and look into the mirror.
"No wonder he didn't stay," I say to my reflection. "He doesn't want to sleep next to this mess."
I decide to take a shower. While I'm combing out the nots from my matted hair, I start to wonder why I was disappointed when I discovered that Peeta was gone. Maybe it's because I missed his embrace more than I want to admit. Or maybe it's because the first night I've slept peacefully since the quell, occurred while I was wrapped in his arms.
I start to scrub my skin raw trying to get these thoughts out of my body. He doesn't love me anymore. How could he? It's my fault he was hijacked by the Capitol. It's my fault that his thoughts and memories will forever be hazy and blurred. But then, if he didn't love me... why would he knock the nightlock pill out of my hand after I killed Coin and not Snow? If he really hated me, why would he not let me die?
Once I'm satisfied with my pink colored flesh and my smooth hair, I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around my body. I avoid the mirror this time, I don't want to see the scars that remind me of the things I can't bare to think about right now. I go to the dresser in my room and pull out a pair of gray sweatpants and a green t-shirt. I get changed and head downstairs. Sae must have came while I was in the shower because I find breakfast on the table with a note.
Katniss,
Here's your breakfast. Fresh bread and scrambled eggs. Peeta made the bread. Eat it. All of it. I had to run some errands so unfortunately I couldn't stay. See you at dinner.
-Sae
I go to the fridge and get out some milk. Even though I don't feel like eating, I know I need to if I want any chance at getting my body back to normal. Prim would want me to stay healthy. Prim.
"Jeez, what is going on in there today?" I say eyeing up to my forehead. I'm so used to not having anything to think about other than how I should be dead.
Once I finish eating, I take my plate and cup to the sink. I wash and dry my dishes and notice another letter next to the loaf of bread that Greasy Sae said Peeta made.
"Does she really need to leave two notes?" I say. "I really need to stop talking to myself. I think I'm going nuts."
I pick up the letter and notice it's Peeta's handwriting.
Katniss,
I made this loaf of bread for you. Sorry I wasn't there when you woke up this morning. I'm going to meet somebody about re-building the bakery. Sae was here when I left and invited me to dinner.
See you then,
Peeta
I put down the letter and walk over to the window that allows me to see the evening primroses that Peeta planted yesterday. I'm glad he thought of this. I really love it. I feel a sense of calm that wasn't there before. I don't know if it's because Peeta is back or if it's because of the roses. Maybe it's just because I've showered and eaten a full meal. I'm just happy that I haven't had to make a list in my head of every act of goodness I've seen someone do.
I head over to the rocking chair in front of the fire. I rock back and forth debating whether or not I want to go hunting when I hear a knock at the door. I wonder who it could be. Greasy Sae has a key and would just come in, plus it's too early for dinner. Haymitch wasn't allowed to drink in thirteen so when he finally got his hands on liquor, he couldn't control himself. He's too drunk to remember he promised to visit so it's not him. Peeta's busy today. No one else visits. Who could it be? I go over to the door and open it.
"Hello sweetheart."
"Haymitch... hey," I say surprised. "What are you doing here?"
"I promised I'd come visit, didn't I?" he says.
"Yeah, that was two months ago."
"You gonna let me in, sweetheart?" Haymitch asks.
"Ugh, yeah... I guess," I open the door more and move out of the way so he can come in. He goes and plops down on the sofa and I sit next to him. "What do you want, Haymitch?"
"I came to let you know that Peeta is coming back to Twelve."
"Well, You're about three days late."
"What do you mean?" Haymitch asks.
"Peeta got back the day before yesterday," I tell him.
"How do you know that?"
"I saw him yesterday. He told me he got back the previous day."
"Well, you guys are talking. My job here is done," Haymitch says, slurring his words as usual.
"I wouldn't exactly say we are talking. He was planting primroses in my garden when I woke up screaming from a nightmare. He came to comfort me but the door was locked. I let him in and was too scared to let him go. He stayed with me but left this morning before I woke up."
We sit in silence for a few minutes, Haymitch sips his drink he brought with him every now and then. My mind wanders, just like it has been since I woke up. I know I love Peeta. I realized it when it was too late and he was taken from me. He didn't want the games to change him, but they did and it's my fault. There's no way he could sill love me. Haymitch speaks up, almost as if he could hear my thoughts.
"You know he stills loves you, right?" He says.
"I wouldn't be so sure of that," I reply.
"I know he does," Haymitch says as he wraps an arm around me, pulling me into the crook of his arm. Its comforting, but it's definitely not Peeta's embrace.
"How? You obviously haven't talked to him since he's been back," I say sarcastically.
"You're right," he does that smirk and giggle he does sometimes. "But he called me the day before he left to let me know he was coming back. I didn't answer, so he left a voicemail. He asked about you," Haymitch explains.
"Just because he asked about me doesn't mean he still loves me," I say getting irritated. "Why are you telling me this?"
"No, but if you let me continue... you'll understand why," he adds. "He was concerned. He went on and on about how worried he was with you handling the loss of your sister. He told me, well my machine, that all he wanted was to be with you. He wants you to be able to help him clear up his messed up memories. He's afraid your love is still an act. He's not exactly sure what is real or not when it comes to his memories with you. He feels it's real but is afraid that because of his hijacking, you don't love him anymore. All he wants it for you two to protect each other like you used to do."
I don't say anything and we sit in silence again. Haymitch finishes his drink and decides to go back home to get more. Before he gets too far away I yell after him.
"HAYMITCH!" he stops and turns around.
"Sae is cooking dinner for me, Peeta is coming. You can come too if you want," I shout across the way. He just nods, turns back around, and starts the trek back to his house. I take that as a 'I'm not guaranteeing anything but go ahead and count me in'.
Greasy Sae will be here shortly to make dinner, so I don't have enough time to go to the woods. I wonder if Peeta is back from town yet. I throw on my father's hunting jacket and a pair of boots. I write a note for Sae in case she get's here before I'm back from Peeta's house. I don't want her to think I've succeeded in my mission of trying to take my life.
I head out the door and walk across the way to Peeta's. His lights are on so I assume he's home. I walk up the few steps to the front door and knock. Peeta comes to the door and opens it.
"Katniss, what are you doing here?" he asks surprised.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to surprise you. I'm just waiting for Sae to come make dinner and got bored waiting. I came to see if you were back from town yet."
"Yeah, I've been back for maybe an hour. Do you want to come in?"
"Sure," I say.
Peeta lets me in and I immediately smell cheese buns.
"Oh wow," I say. "I miss the smell of those things."
Peeta laughs. "Well, they're almost done. I was going to bring some over when I came to dinner."
I just look at him and smile.
"I figured you'd at least eat those," he says.
"Thank you, Peeta."
When the timer goes off, Peeta goes back into the kitchen and I follow him. He pulls the cheese buns out of the oven and sets them on the counter to cool.
"So how was your day?" he asks.
"It was good. When I woke up and saw you had left, I went and took a shower," I say.
"Sorry I wasn't there when you woke up," he says before I could continue. "Did you get my note?"
"Yeah, thank you for the bread by the way. I was just about to ask how your meeting went."
"It's no problem. And my meeting was good," he says cheerfully. "They're going to find a construction crew and we are going to start building at the end of the month."
"That's great, Peeta!"
"Sorry, I just realized I interpreted you talking about your day. I'd love to hear about it," he says.
"No, it's ok. Not much happened. Haymitch came over to warn me about you returning but I told him he was too late," I laugh. So does Peeta.
"I figured he wasn't exactly sober when he never returned my call," he says.
I laugh again.
"How was your day, other than your meeting?" I ask.
"It was good. Glad to be back in Twelve," he smiles looking at me. "Well, I think these are cool enough. Let's pack them up and head to your house. We don't want to keep Sae waiting."
After Peeta has the cheese buns packed, we go back across to my house. Sae was there and started dinner. Haymitch didn't show, so I assume he's passed out, which is fine. I didn't expect him to come.
"Oh, Katniss!" Sae says when we walk into the house. "You look great."
"Thanks... just felt it was finally time to shower." I respond hesitantly. I feel uncomfortable sharing this information with Peeta around. I don't want him to know how bad I was.
"Well, I'm glad you're feeling better," She moves her attention to Peeta. "Hello, Peeta. Glad to see you. You look well."
"It's nice to see you too," He goes to shake her hand. "Thank you, for taking care of Katniss."
"Oh, it's no problem boy," she responds.
"What's for dinner?" I ask.
"Lamb stew. I know how much you enjoy it," Sae says.
"I brought cheese buns," Peeta interjects.
"How lovely. Thank you, Peeta," Sae responds. "Come sit. Katniss, we need to get more meat on your bones."
I huff my way to the table. Sae has already set the table and served everyone. Peeta sets the cheese buns on the counter and comes to sit beside me.
We enjoy our dinner. I ate every bite and had a small, second helping. My stomach must be getting used to eating a full meal.
After we all finish Sae does the dishes and cleans up. Peeta and I go to the living room and sit by the fire. Once Sae has finished cleaning, she comes over to say goodbye and leaves. Peeta turns to me, kisses my forehead and smiles.
"I guess I should be going too. You need your sleep," Peeta says as he gets off the sofa.
"You don't have to go," I say reaching to grab Peeta's hands. "Please stay."
Peeta sits down, pulling me back into his arm. "Always," he says.
I look up at him and stare into his beautiful blue eyes. I smile and kiss him on the check.
"I've missed this," he says.
"Me too." I say.
***
AN:
Well, there's chapter 1! The prologue had some text from the book, but this chapter is all my writing. Hope you enjoyed it! Please comment, I'd love to hear your feedback! I'm already in love with this story. I can't wait to get to the toasting chapter and toast babies!