"Will Smith is my mother,"
Ashton pauses at the announcement while Calum sighs heavily, rubbing a hand down his face and checking the time on his watch for the millionth time.
"What?" Ashton asks finally.
Michael blinks at the television screen before turning to face Ashton. "Will Smith. The actor. He's my mother."
"He's- no, I've met your mother," Ashton says. "She cooked me vegan turkey at Christmas. Remember? Because I was-"
"In your hippy phase, we know," Michael nods quickly. Calum sighs again, because he's pretty sure Ashton's not through with his hippy phase. "No, I mean, yeah that's my mom, but Will Smith is my mother."
"He's a cis male," Ashton reminds him.
"No, I know-"
"He has a penis,"
Michael furrows his eyebrows. "How do you know? Have you seen it? Can I see it?"
"What?" Ashton gives him a startled look while Calum checks the time again. "No, I haven't seen Will Smith's penis. I wouldn't be opposed to it, but- no, no, he has children."
"So?" Michael starts squirming on the couch next to Ashton, so the blonde levels him with an unimpressed look , reaching around to tuck Michael under his arm. Michael huffs. "Don't gender my familial terms of endearment. He's my mother."
"Michael," Ashton replies sharply, like this is an extremely important argument and their entire relationship depends on the outcome. "Will Smith is not your mother!"
"Yes he is!" Michael starts squirming again, so Ashton wraps his other arm around the smaller boy's chest and holds him in place firmly, making Michael grunt and squirm even more.
"Stop!" Ashton demands while Michael kicks his legs wildly and struggles to get his arms free. "Stop it, I'll call your actual mother and tell her she's being replaced!"
"I didn't know you had Will Smith's number!" Michael yells while elbowing Ashton's chest.
"He's not your mother!" Ashton cries. Calum sighs and checks his phone again, dodging Michael's flailing feet and trying to focus on the Will Smith movie on the television. For a minute or so, the two on the other end of the couch run out of things to say to each other, so they just start yelling loudly in each other's faces while Ashton squeezes Michael, who's still fighting for freedom. They're too loud and drown out the movie, so Calum sighs again.
Finally, Michael lurches forward and throws both of them off the couch and onto the floor, where they start wrestling. Calum's not surprised, if he's honest. He lifts his feet onto the couch and slouches while they roll around and make various noises. By the time Calum's phone dings with a new message, Ashton's got Michael pinned to to floor with one hand so he can shove the other into Michael's mouth for some, unknown reason.
"Finally!" Calum yells. The other two shut up and glance over expectantly, Michael gnawing on Ashton's hand until he removes it and wipes his fingers on Michael's shirt.
"What?" Ashton asks.
"Luke just got home, I'm going over there," Calum announces, jumping off the couch and hurrying to grab his shoes. He tucks his phone, with Luke's address, into his pocket for safekeeping. Meanwhile, Ashton keeps one hand pressing Michael's wrists to the carpets and uses the other to fish something out of his front pocket.
Finally, he holds a condom in the air triumphantly and waves it around. "Here you go, Cal!" He smiles and throws it in Calum's general direction. "That was supposed to be for me and Mikey, but we're both clean and I think I'm already pregnant."
Michael stops struggling against him and flops limply against the floor, beaming up at Ashton. "Aw. Really?"
Ashton nods sincerely and Calum sighs (again). He doesn't feel like mentioning the cis male/Will Smith conversation they'd just had. Instead, he finishes shoving on his shoes and throws his jacket on, grabbing the condom as he passes. As he's laving, he hears Michael's small protesting noise and, "Wait, I haven't fucked you in months. Whose baby is that?" Calum slams the front door shut and practically runs to his car.
Luke's house isn't too far away as it turns out. He's on the more expensive side of town, close to the college they all attend, in a high end apartment complex. It's sleek and black, just like Luke's car, and Calum's really not surprised. Impressed, slightly envious, giddy even, but not surprised.
Calum parks his run down 2005 Chevy impala next to Luke's black jaguar and ignores how the door creaks when he slams it shut. A bit of rust falls off as well, but he's ignoring it, for the time being. The front door is unlocked, so Calum swaggers his way I'm, acting like he belongs in this very expensive building. He figures he could sell both Michael and Ashton and still not have enough money for an apartment here. Michael alone wouldn't be enough, but Ashton's rich extended family would probably pay to get him back, not a lot, though.
Inside the glass front doors is a large open space with a couple of chairs and bookcases and other expensive looking furnishings. There's a desk in the middle of the room, in front of the elevators, with a young blonde woman sitting on what seems to be an exercise ball, wearing a crisp, black dress.
"Uh," Calum approaches her cautiously, because he's not exactly used to rich fancy women. Or women in general, really. She glances up and flips and blonde curl over her shoulder with a perfectly manicured hand. "Um- nice nails- um, I'm here to see Luke? Hemmings?"
She glances down at her nude nails before looking back up at Calum. "Thanks," she flips through a pile of papers for a second or two before nodding. "Hemmings. I'll let him know you're here, you can go right up. Floor 32, apartment A."
Calum glances around the empty room like this is a prank. He feels like there should be a security guard, or a lock, or something. "What, just like that?"
She nods and holds up the paper she's looking at. "Calum Hood, you're on the visitors list." There's a picture of Calum on the sheet of paper, a small rectangle photo of him above his name and a short description. The pictures is one that Luke had taken about a month prior, of Calum beaming with a fluffy purple boa wrapped around his neck.
"I don't usually dress like that," he assures the receptionist. She gives him an incredulous look. "I don't! It- forget it, nevermind. 32A?"
"Floor 32, apartment A," she nods. Calum squints at her, but says nothing as he walks past. She goes back to her computer, which, as Calum passes, has solitaire on it. He shakes his head and presses the button for the elevator.
There's classical music playing in the elevator, which seems suspiciously fast and smooth, Calum feels expensive.
There's only a short hallway and four doors, two on each side, letters A-D. Calum knocks on the one labelled A and stands back, hands clasped behind him and rocking on his feet. Luke answers within five seconds, like he was waiting a step away, and smiles widely when he sees Calum.
"Hi!" He says happily, grabbing Calum's elbow to yank him in. The door's barely even closed before Luke is trying to peel off Calum's jacket and tug him out of his shoes at the same time. Calum allows himself to be manhandled for a minute, before shoving Luke off and removing both himself.
"I'm glad you're here, let's make out!" Luke exclaims. Calum blinks at him.
"What? I just got here, give me a minu-" he gets cut off by Luke stumbling forward and physically knocking into him, pushing him back against the door before pressing their mouths together. Calum hums at him fondly for a second before gently pulling Luke off of him. "Hi, Lukey."
"Hi!" Luke says again. "How was your day?"
Calum smiles at him. "It was okay, I guess. Michael and Ashton- I'm not really sure what they were doing, but Ashton's pregnant. How was yours?"
"Oh," Luke nods solemnly, like he completely believes it. "Good for them. My day was fine, but a really tragic thing happened."
"What?" Calum raises his eyebrows curiously, expect a dead family member or a failed test.
Luke's bottom lip drops in a pout. "I had no cute boys to make out with me." Calum rolls his eyes and nudges past Luke, ignoring him in his quest to look through Luke's apartment. It's big, he can tell from the huge open kitchen and living area in front of him. There's a bathroom off to the side and a set of stairs that leads up to a balcony above the living area.
"Nice," Calum says, flicking his eyes around the large room. The far wall is covered in windows, so the city below is visible.
"Yep," Luke slinks up behind him, bumping into Calum with his big dumb body. "Make out with me?"
Calum ignores him again and turns to check out the bathroom. It's all light stone, with a big shower and sink, not to mention the fanciest toilet Calum's ever seen. It's so nice, he wants to touch it. Luke follows quietly behind him like a lost puppy while Calum treks up the stairs and onto the balcony. There's three doors, one opened and two closed, so Calum peers into the opened one. It's a bedroom, complete with a made bed and several dressers. It's boring, all yellow walls and blue bedsheets, so he moves on.
"That's just a home office," Luke shrugs when Calum looks at the middle door. "I don't even have a job, so I don't know why I have it. I just keep my school books and shit in there."
"Lame," Calum moves on, quickly so Luke can't catch him and nudge him against the wall, again.
"That's my room," Luke mumbles when Calum reaches the next closed door. He twists the handle immediately and shoves his way in.
The room is huge, shockingly enough, with what looks like a California King bed against the middle of the far wall. It could also just be a normal sized king bed, Calum's not good with bed sizes. It's big, whatever it is, and covered with a messy tangle of black sheets. There's a couple of dressers in Luke's room as well, covered in various trinkets and other things, loose change on one of them and a few snapbacks on another. Luckily for Calum, and his need to explore every inch of Luke's house, there's another door on the right wall, cracked open enough that he can see dark tiles on the floor.
Calum hurries over and throws the door open eagerly, stopping short just inside the room. It's a bathrom, even bigger than the one downstairs. A huge white tub is against one wall, an even cleaner and nicer toilet than the other is on the opposite side, with a large, clear shower against the wall. The counter is directly across, with two big sinks and a couple hair products and other necessities scattered across it.
Everything is suspiciously clean. Calum turns around and nearly runs right into Luke's broad chest. "Do you have a maid?"
Luke's cheeks flush pink when he nods. "Yeah, but she only comes once a week, and she's for the entire floor, not just me."
"This is like a hotel," Calum enthuses, turning back to the giant bathroom (seriously, it's twice the size of Calum's bedroom at home). "Can we take a bath? Do you have bubbles?"
Luke shakes his head with a deep set frown. "No, I- my mom set this place up and- bubblebath is gay- she said I-"
Calum reaches up and cups Luke's jaw, tugging him down until he's eyelevel with Luke. "Hey, it's fine. Ash will bring you some of the pink bubble gum smelling stuff we have at home, okay? And then we can take a bath together, maybe put up some candles and stuff, too. How's that sound?"
Luke's quiet for a second, staring at Calum, before he mumbles, "Sounds like I need a kiss."
Calum rolls his eyes and presses his mouth against Luke's gently. It only lasts a second before Calum pries Luke off of him and returns to Luke's bedroom.
"So, Lukey, baby," he launches himself bodily onto the big bed, flopping in the middle on his back. "Why'd you invite me over today, huh? You could have just come to mine."
Luke shrugs ducking his head down as pink crawls across his cheeks. He slumps over to the foot of the bed and looks anywhere except at Calum. "I dunno," he mumbles.
"Oh, come on," Calum wiggles around until he can set his head on a pillow, tilting it back to show Luke his neck. "There's gotta be a reason."
Luke quietly crawls into bed, worming his way up until he can lay on the pillow next to Calum. "Just- just wanted to make out a bit without being interrupted. Not that I don't like Michael and Ashton, but- they're very loud."
"That they are," Calum nods in agreement. The bed is really comfortable, he kind of never wants to leave. They could probably set up a mini fridge and a microwave and never even have to leave the room. It's a great plan, really.
He stops thinking about moving into Luke's bed and rolls over so he's half on top of the younger boy. He grabs a handful of Luke's hair and tugs, making him gasp and tilt his head back towards Calum's hand. Calum jumps at the opportunity and presses their lips together seamlessly. Luke answers by sighing contentedly and melting into the mattress while Calum licks into his mouth.
((Guys help who tops I never write cake and I can't even tell with their characters WHO FUCKS WHO???? HELP ME
-Mel))