(BOOK 3) Chapter 30 - Late night orgasm donor.
I want all my jewellery back
All the love that we had
Conversations that we had
Why you gotta make me mad?
To the left my hundred tats
And I’m all dressed in black
You knew I’d never lash
Why you gotta hurt me like that?
Don’t know how you managed
To get me here all damaged
You never had there you have him
It’s good, I’m gonna manage
You thought I was calm
But look who’s laughing now
Could somebody tell me how
We’re laying on the ground?
Up on my halo and I just turned my back, left in the middle of nowhere
Hey, I never thought I'd wipe no tears from these eyes from just sayin’ goodbye
‘Cause bad boys don’t cry
Loick Essien – Bad Boys Don’t Cry
I moved to the side to allow Omari to come in. I could have sworn that he stopped and rubbed his feet on the mat on purpose just to make me feel uncomfortable. He was so close to me that I froze. I didn’t know what to do. He rubbed his feet then moved into the house. I let out a breath and closed the door.
He stood in the hallway.
He looked like the angel of death. He was dressed in an all black tracksuit, a black watch, even a black snapback he wore with the back at the front like TJ from Recess.
I pointed up the stairs to go up to my room where most of his things where. I picked up a cardboard box on my way up behind him. He opened my door and stood opposite my bed.
I would have offered him a seat but the thought of him being uncomfortable made slightly more comfortable.
I placed the box on the bed and opened my wardrobe. Already I could spot a lot of his jumpers and a few of his t-shirts. I took them out, each one by one and carefully folding them. I looked up at him quickly, he wasn’t paying attention. He was leaning one leg and playing with his phone.
I finished his clothes, closed my wardrobe and opened my jewellery box.
Nearly everything was his. I had to make a space on my bed and literally just drop everything out and got through it one by one so he didn’t end up with my necklace and I didn’t end up with one of his watches. Thinking about that wasn’t such a bad idea. I had always been a fan of his watches and I even cheekily got a few of his watches reduced in size so it would fit me better.
Right, Aaliyah, on three we start conversation.
One
Two
Three
My mouth opened but no words came out.
Let’s try again. I counted down three in my head but once again I was unable to speak.
I told myself to stop being such a chicken, the worst he could do was ignore me, and if he did that then it gave me a licence and an excuse to be rude to him. I asked him to close the window which was right next to him. I knew he heard me because my house was deadly quiet. He chose to ignore me. I repeated it again.
‘’Are you going to pretend I don’t exist?’’ I questioned. He didn’t say a word.
‘’Omari!’’ Now he looked up.
‘’You don’t answer my calls and you expect me to answer you?’’ He snapped. Okay, so he had a point but I ignored it.
‘’Can you just close the window.’’ He kissed his teeth. I thought he had accepted defeat, but a few minutes later there was still a breeze and I was starting to shiver. He hadn’t closed it. I huffed and puffed all the way across the room and closed the window.
Just for that I was going to keep one of his watches.
His phone rang, he answered it turning his back. I dared it be another girl. I swear I would have taken something more than a watch.
‘’I’m on my way man, chill’’ he said to whoever on the phone. ‘’I’m at some girls house picking up my things.’’ Some girl? Okay, that hurt more than I wanted it to. He said bye to the person. He turned back around and met my glare. I really didn’t appreciate being called some girl. Did he forget that once he told me that I was the person he breathed for?
‘’Are we ever going to talk about this?’’ He cut eye contact, returning his attention to his phone ‘’Or are you going to pretend don’t exist.’’ I asked. I thought he was going to take the second option before he spoke.
‘’Can you hurry up.’’
‘’So you’re going to pretend I don’t exist?’’ I confirmed. He looked back up at me. For a split second I thought that he was actually going to talk to me.
‘’That jumper your wearing is mine too.’’ I rolled my eyes. Jesus knew how much I wanted to do that today to so many people.
‘’So you want me to take it off?’’ He didn’t reply.
‘’I have nothing under it, do you really want me to take it off Omari?’’ I threatened. I was only able to make this threat because I had gone to the gym today, and I had a very nice pair of underwear on. Hot pink lace.
I didn’t exactly want him to see it but do you know how amazing it feels to look good in front of your ex? Especially if your ex was cocky Omari. If he wanted to be childish I would be mature, I will be the very mature looking one in nice underwear.
‘’Are you going to answer or pretend you're on your phone?’’ He didn’t answer me.
‘’If you wanna take it off. Take it off. You like taking of your clothes anyway’’ I was gobsmacked. I took off the top, scrunched it up in my hand and threw it in his face. I hoped there were sweat patches and it hit his mouth.
‘’F_ck you.’’ He moved his hand and allowed his to fall onto the floor.
‘’F_ck me?’’ He questioned. I nodded. I sounded immature but honestly and truly, f_ck him and every single little thing he stands for.
‘’Oh really, f_ck me Aaliyah?’’ He questioned. Did I stutter? I’m sure it said it clearly and loudly. ‘’No, f_ck you Aaliyah.’’
I clapped for him. What an amazing comeback. ‘’you're so mature you know.’’ I shouted sarcastically. I was so calm and in a matter of seconds he had made me lose my temper. I must have looked like a class A idiot in shorts and bra shouting at Omari. What made me more anger was how clam he was.
‘’Okay, can you hurry up.’’
‘’No.’’ My brain thought about this. I was giving him back all of his things. Where were my belongings? My DVD’s and my books all of that. It wasn’t in his hands.
‘’Where are my things. Where is that jumper and bag I got you?’’ I questioned. I knew he was fighting not to answer me but I get throwing him a list of things that were mine that he had. He finally reacted.
‘’The same place as the LV purse I bought you.’’ No not Lucy. I loved Lucy I even named her that. I enjoyed going shopping and taking Lucy when I paid for things.
‘’If you want that back you better give me back the Jordans I got you.’’ Yeah I didn’t forget about them. I looked down at his feet, he wasn’t wearing them. Good, he would have gone home barefoot.
‘’And I want all those flowers I got you last year.’’ If he wanted to go back to the past I could go back to the past as well.
‘’I want my virginity back then.’’ I snapped.
‘’You can have it back. It wasn’t worth waiting for’’ I shut up like a clam. No, that wasn't the effect it was meant to have. It should have been him that whose breathing had suddenly gone shallow. He should have been the one who was breathing so heavily but suddenly caught hit breath. But it had affected me, and I hated that it clearly showed. He looked away from me and out the window shaking his head. That had really hurt. I wanted to curl up and die right about now.
I couldn’t find anything to say. Instead I retreat to my wardrobe. I could hide my face and try to control the lump that was forming in my throat. I found a jumper to throw on and carried on packing up his things. I hated myself for crying. I was crying so silently that I thought I could get away with it. He refused to look at me anyway. As long as I didn’t sniff then it wouldn't make it obvious. I wiped the last of my short tears. My house was so silent. My mum was at work and Jim was at work as well and Sam was back at Uni.
I had just about got them under control without him realising that I had had an absoluetly stupid meltdown because of one sentence when I sniffed.
I can't belive I sniffed.
It was so quiet but so my house, so the sniff sounded more like a dog barking.
As soon as I sniffed I felt his eyes on me. This wasn’t how this was meant to go. I heard his footsteps move closer. I was fully expecting him to laugh in my face. I swear to God I was prepared to him to lean in and actually laugh right in my face.
I wiped my tears with the end of my jumper. I was so stupid. I had cried in front of him and confirmed that I was still that silly insecure Aaliyah he met 2 and a half years ago, that Aaliyah who hung of every popular Omaris words.
I wasn’t that girl anymore but I was still behaving like a 15 year old.
‘’Are you crying?’’ I shook my head. I wish I was European so at least I could say that it was hay fever. I could just imagine my puffy face with red eyes. I refused to look up at him. I would try to retain some dignity. He placed the box of tissues on the bed.
‘’I’m sorry.’’ He actually sounded apologetic. I sniffed cursing myself and walked out of the room into the toilet. As soon as I closed the door I hit my head and tried to think of something to say to him that would make him reduce to tears too. I washed my face and fanned my eyes then looked back in my mirror, I didn’t look as bad as I did when I first came into here. I filled my lungs with fresh air. I paced in the toilet for a while just trying to calm myself and get my thoughts in order.
I walked back into my room with my head held high ready for another round. I would pack his things and give it to him as fast as I could. It was clear his feelings towards him and even clearer that he had no intentions of ever forgiving me.
I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be seeking his forgiveness anymore. There was only so many times you could apologise to someone before it became saturated. I peeked a look at him. He was scratching one of his side burns and looking back at me.
The only ammunition I had left that could make him feel in anyway guilty was as usual, Nathan. I knew I shouldn’t be using his name in vein especially now that he was dead but I had to say something so he wouldn’t see me as this injured Babmi.
"You know yesterday was Nathans anniversary.’’ in my head I sounded so confident but I'm sure it sounded like a little girl talking.
He looked at me slightly confused ‘’Okay.’’
‘’You don’t care?’’
‘’Why should I?’’
‘’Because someone you knew is dead? And you don’t feel anything?’’
‘’I do.’’ I waited for him to explain. ‘’I wish that someone had killed him sooner.’’
‘’You mean you wish you had got someone to kill him sooner?’’ He didn’t answer me. I always suspected that Omari had something to do with the murder. Either he had a fight with him that went wrong, or something or he at least knew what happened to him and why. It was just a gut instinct but I let my friendship with him blind me and I never questioned him about it.
‘’have you suddenly gone deaf?’’ I knew I was being cheeky and I knew I would regret it if he made me cry again.
‘’Yes Aaliyah. I got someone to kill him’’ He nodded sarcastically. Okay so the Nathan topic wasn’t affecting him in the way I wanted. I remained silent and tried to think of something else. I had tried to lie and say that I liked Nathan before but he didn't belive then neither.
‘’You should be looking at your boyfriend about Nathan.’’
‘’Israel?’’ He could barely kill a spider. He’d rather let it out free in the garden.
‘’Not that dwarf.’’ Omari tutted irritated. Yes, Israel was ammunition for later. But if he wasn’t talking about Israel who was he talking about? Then it clicked.
‘’Luke isn’t my boyfriend.’’
‘’I wouldn't care if he was’’ I rolled my eyes, sure you wouldn't.
‘’That’s why you threatened Israel, because you don’t care if he’s my boyfriend. And that’s why you told you cousin to stay away from me, because you really don’t care.’’ I hope I sounded as sarcastic as I was being.
‘’Okay. Have you finished with my things?’’
‘’you're not getting anything back until I get my things’’ I reminded him
‘’Are you going to be immature?’’ I nodded proudly. He moved forward so I moved back. He moved forward again as if he was going to take the box so I picked it up and moved back.
‘’Give me the box’’
‘’No.’’
‘’Give it to me’’
"No"
"Give me my fxcking box"
‘’Or what? Are you going to hit me again Omari?’’ He sighed and didn’t look at me. Yeah I got you boo. That shut you up didn’t it babe.
‘’I didn’t even hit you that hard’’
‘’That is the point isn’t it’’
‘’Even if I hit you hard or not you know it was an accident. I would never lay a finger on you despite anything you do to me.’’
‘’You looked really sorry right after you did it’’
‘’Did you expect me to kiss it better and take you to hospital when I still had the guy you cheated on me with in my flat?’’
‘’I didn’t cheat on you! We weren’t together!’’
‘’We don’t have to be together officially for you to cheat. You know what you did was wrong’’ I was ready to argue back. I wasn’t exactly sure which angle I would take but I couldn’t remain silent. ‘’Nah, there’s no buts.’’ He cut me off. ‘’If it wasn’t wrong then why did you hide it?’’ I didn’t have an answer. I knew it was wrong but not because of what he thought. ‘’Exactly, you knew it wasn’t right. You knew that it wasn’t cool and you knew how I would react but yet you continued.’’
‘’No I didn’t Omari. You haven’t even asked me what happened. I stopped seeing him after like 2 weeks. That night when Steven spat in Cecilia’s face was the same night I ended it! A month before new year’s when we got back together!’’ He didn’t respond. He just shook his head, he was seriously refusing to hear or believe anything I was saying. He was this close to me, I could smell his after shave. It was the one I had gotten him for Christmas.
‘’Its f_cking double standards’’
‘’Get over it. Yes its double standards. That’s the way the world works and it will never change, so stop complaining.’’ He finally snapped. ‘’I can f_ck who I like, when I like. You can’t.’’ I huffed. That was exactly what he did and he got respect from other boys and even girls, but as soon as I even look at other male I was automatically the girl that sleeps around. It’s as if the first boy you publically go out with you will forever be linked to them.
‘’You know Aaliyah,’’ he breathed, trying to control his anger. ‘’You can justify what you did to yourself, but you don’t live in a world with yourself do you?’’ I shook my head. ‘’You live in a world with other people, who view what you did as J bag behaviour.’’ He said it much calmer. He was right, it hurt but he was right. I don’t think I behaved as hoe but that was the way that I was being perceived and that would probably remain with me amongst Omari’s friends and associates.
‘’And it is for that reason that I will never forgive you and I do not want a thing to do with you. After you give me my things I’m washing my hands of you. I will never call you, text you or even blink towards you. I swear, I am so done with you and all the drama you bring.’’
‘’The drama I bring?’’ Drama, that I, Aaliyah, bring him, Omari. I was gobsmacked. My mouth hit the floor. I didn’t let his other words register, I would need ice cream and sad movies for me to fully take in what he said, but he said that I bring him drama? Me? Of every single person he knows I bring him drama?
‘’I hate you.’’ I said simply. The smell and sight of him was starting to make me feel sick. And to think that I thought tonight would end with us at least being able to hold a casual conversation.
‘’I swear to God Omari I hate you. How many of my friends did you pick through and I forgave you. Wash your hands of me then you prick. Use Dettol for all I care. I don’t care but don’t come back to me when you realise that you were in the wrong.’’ He didn’t even want to look at me. He was looking pointlessly out the window. What an absolute d_ckhead.
‘’I’ll post your things to you seeing as I disgust you so much you can’t even look at me.’’ I dumped the box on the bed. He was still in front of me. I pushed past him softly. He felt so good but I had to put a front. I didn’t want him to know how much it hurt knowing that he didn’t want to talk to me again. I opened up my door for him to leave. I wasn’t going to force him to stay if he didn’t want to. He just turned and stood there. He looked at me, making no attempt to leave and ‘wash his hands of me’. I knew he would regret it, as bigheaded as it was, he would regret it and I would laugh and close the door on his face the day he realised.
‘’I can’t believe that I was actually holding out for you hoping that you might change your mind’’ I thought out loud laughing.
‘’About what’’ He questioned.
‘’Us?’’
‘’Us?’’ He questioned again as if I was crazy
‘’Not as in we develop another relationship. I mean that you don’t hate me and don’t think I’m whore or sket or whatever. I know and don’t care what other people think of me, but I care about what you think of me.’’ He sighed deeply. Yet he still refused to look at me for more than a few seconds. Instead picking out spots in my room to take interest in.
‘’you're never going to even look at me again for one mistake that I regret Omari?’’
‘’Why regret something you once wanted?’’ He found himself capable enough to speak to me but not look at me. I gave up. Chris could ‘fix’ his own brother. I opened the door wider and pointed out. I was ready for him to leave.
‘’This is clearly the end Omari. There’s no way you're going to forgive me and I can’t apologise anymore. I hope you and Kara stay safe.’’
Still he stayed there, leaning on one leg and looking at me, almost seizing me up.
I had no doubt that when he said that he was going to wash his hands of me he would. It wouldn't hard for him to either. We didn’t hang around the same people that much and we never went to the same parties. All he had to was never call me and that would be that.
My heart was aching but he had already seen me crumble today. I didn’t want to look weak in front of him but I knew it was too late now.
I looked down at my fingers then back at him.
See, he would stare at me for a few seconds and already my bravado would start to wear down.
After a long silence, he started making his way towards the door.
I had told him to leave, so why was it that now he was I felt like I was on the verge of fainting. I wanted to slam the door, and fight. Not for our physical relationship but for our friendship. Omari was my friend before anything for 3 years, he accepted me and although he annoyed me I loved him. He had thrown dirt on me so many times but I still couldn’t leave, because I was stupidly in love with an absolute d*ckhead.
He stopped at the door.
Please kiss me, I thought.