The rest of the day went by in a flash. I knew Niall was uneasy with the situation just as much as I was. Over the past couple of months of getting to know each other, we had discussed my relationship with Josh and he knew most of what went on and he knew that I was having difficulty getting over him.
The next morning in English I took my new seat next to Josh. I could see Niall looking over at us occasionally, with what appeared to be worry in his eyes. I looked at him trying to tell him with my eyes that I wanted to be near him but was brought out of the silent conversation with Josh’s fingers under my chin, slightly turning my head back to look at him so we could talk, I assumed, about the project.
“I do miss you.” Were the first words out of Josh’s mouth.
I couldn’t breathe. I just sat there looking at him. Why would he say that? Why would he say that to me when he knows that I am somewhat seeing Niall and I am happy. I’m happy for the first time in a long time.
“Josh, please don’t say that to me. Can we just discuss the paper and decide how to split up the work?” I said after raining in my emotions.
“Harry, love.” He said bluntly, “I know you still have feelings for me somewhere in there” he said placing his index finger on my chest over my heart, “ I’m kinda hoping that I can win you back and prove to you that I now know that I want to be with you. We have spent so much time apart and it made me relize that I loved you way more than I allowed myself to admit and you ended things with me because you didn’t think our love was equal. “
“Josh, please stop.” I begged
“No Harry. I won’t stop. I’m going to use this opportunity that we have while doing this paper together to prove to you that we belong together. This should be a sign. We got paired for a reason. It’s fate.” He stated like it was a matter of fact.
“Josh, it was total coincidence. Please don’t do this to me. I have been finally getting over you and Niall makes me happy.” I replied with tears stating to form in my eyes.
“But is he your boyfriend?’’ he replied
“No, but-“ I was stopped mid sentence
“Then we still have a chance. I will show you Harry. I love you and I want you back and you will be mine again.” He whispered softly to me as he slowly grazed his hand across my cheek and down my neck.
I turn my head away from him to look down at my notebook. I secretly wiped the few tears away that were falling slowly down my cheek. Why did a part of me want to hear those words from him? I want Niall. I really want Niall. He has been nothing but sweet, amazing and patient with me this entire time. I couldn’t hurt him by trying to get back with Josh, but being back with him is all I ever wanted. I wanted him to realize that he needed me as much as I wanted him to. And here he was confessing all of this to me. His hand felt right on my cheek. After all this time it still felt right. But Niall felt right too. I am so torn right now. I was brought out of my thoughts when I felt a pair of eyes on me from across the room. I didn’t need to turn around to know the eyes would belong to Niall, but I had to look anyway.
I turned my head slowly to meet Niall’s gaze and I could tell immediately he was hurt. I imagine he saw Josh touching my chest and my cheek. I doubt he heard any of the conversation because he was all the way on the other side of the room, but still, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what was going one.
Suddenly the bell rang causing me to jump. I saw Niall walking over to me and Josh stood up and as he was leaving he ran his hand over my shoulders and leaned down to where his lips were inches from my ear. I could feel his breathe as he spoke.
“We didn’t get my work done today, love. So I’ll text you after school and you can come over to my house tonight.” He then placed a quick kiss just below my ear at the top of my neck.
I sat there in complete shock and I noticed Niall standing at my seat. I glanced up at him and I knew that he had heard everything that Josh had just said and he most definitely saw the kiss. I saw his hands were making fists and there was anger in his eyes and also sadness.
He was looking to me like he was waiting for me to say something. Anything. But I couldn’t form the words. I wanted to say that he had nothing to worry about, but I knew it would come out sounding like a lie. Because it would have been a lie. I don’t know if he should worry. I don’t know what I am feeling right now. I am more confused than I have ever been in my life!
Niall waited for a few more seconds before sighing and walking out of the class. I collected my belongings and slowly made my way down the hall to my locker. The boys all knew what was going on and they knew I wasn’t ready to talk about anything, so they stayed silent.
Niall and I didn’t talk for the rest of the day. Nor did we walk home together. It’s the first time since he has been here that we haven’t. It hurt.
NIALL’S POV
I looked over at Harry sitting next to Josh. I am not going to lie. I am nervous I am going to lose Harry. I like him so much and am starting to fall for him hard. I know that my feelings would develop into love in a matter of a few weeks. How could you not love Harry? He is amazing.
Harry was looking at me with apologetic eyes and I felt ok. He felt sorry that we were in this situation and it made me feel good. Like he wanted to be with me instead of over there with Josh. I then saw Josh place his finger under Harry’s chin and turn his face away from me. I almost lost it right there. I wanted so badly to run over there and tell Josh not to lay one finger on Harry. But I restrained.
James is trying to talk with me about the project and I am really trying to participate and give him my attention but I keep looking over to Josh and Harry. It’s not James’ fault that I am having boy problems. I shouldn’t flake on him because the guy I am falling for is sitting there with his ex, too close for my comfort. I speak with James as much as I could and although I’m not paying complete attention, I do jot down some things about the Vikings and we continue to discuss the topic, but I continue to look in the direction of Harry.
I look up from my notes to see Josh place his hand on Harry’s chest. I couldn’t look away. Harry didn’t remove his hand either. He just stayed there and allowed the touching. This hurt me more than I care to admit.
After a few more minutes I saw his hand slide across Harry’s face. I tried to hold back the tears from falling, while still trying to maintain some sort of conversation with James.
I saw Liam, Zayn and Louis look at me with sympathy in their eyes cause they too were witnessing the interaction between be Harry and Josh. I knew that Louis could hear what was being said because he was shaking his head and clenching his fists. At least I knew Harry’s friends are Team Niall.
James, I think, finally noticed my distraction and patted my back brining my attention back to him.
“You have something going on with Harry, huh?” he asked
“Um….well we have been kind of seeing each other, but we haven’t made anything official.” I replied.
“I hate to say this to you mate, but most people in this school only think it’s a matter of time before Josh gets Harry back.” James said almost feeling sorry for me.
“Josh has been pretty vocal over the past couple of weeks that he misses Harry and that he wants to win him back. I mean they were together for two years. It’s hard to fully break from that.” He continued
I tried to drown him out and not believe what he was saying, but how could I not. Just look at the two of them interacting. I know part of Harry still cares for Josh and probably still has some feelings of love. How could I compete with that? How could I compete with two years of history?
James patted me on the back and then the bell rang. I collected my things and walked straight over to Harry. Just as I was a few feet away I saw Josh lean down and heard him invite Harry over to his house tonight to work on the project, but I knew Josh had other intentions in mind when I saw him place a kiss on Harry’s neck. I almost lost it right there.
As Josh was about to leave the classroom he looked at me and smirked. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was going to make this into a competition. See who can win Harry. I’m not going to play any games. I want to be with Harry because of the person he is, not because someone else wanted him. Josh let Harry go and know because he sees that Harry and I have something going on, he wants him back? What a horrible thing to do to Harry.
I waited at Harry’s desk standing there wanting him to say something to me. I want him to stand up and hug me and tell me that I have nothing to worry about. That it’s me that he wants to be with and Josh is no longer in the picture. But he doesn’t say anything. He just looks at me with sadness in his eyes and then looks back down at his notebook.
I swallow the hurt and sigh as a lone tear falls out of my eye. I quickly wipe it away before anyone notices. I leave the room without another word.
The day drags on. I just want to be home.
I couldn’t bring myself to speak to Harry for the rest of the day and I avoided him as much as possible. Finally the last bell rand and I darted out of the school not wanting to walk home with Harry. I couldn’t face him.
I made my way up to my room and lay on my bed. My thoughts all over the place. I had to do something to get my mind off of all of this. I grabbed my guitar and started playing some random cords. Words started coming to me. I grabbed my song book and started jotting down the lyrics that I was reciting. Music always helps.
I’m broken. Do you hear me……
…..praying that your heart will just turn around……
…..if I’m louder, would you see me…..
….it just don’t feel right…….
I continue jotting down all the words and line that are coming from my mind and one line hits me and rings true in my head.
I can love you more than this.
I realize then that I am not just falling in love with Harry. I am already there. I am there but he isn’t. He still loves Josh. But I can love him more than Josh can. But how can I make him see that. I don’t know if I am strong enough to watch what will be happening between Josh and him over the duration of the paper.
I place my guitar down and push my song book to the side. Tears start to fall from my eyes with the thoughts of Harry being at Josh’s right now and I silently cry myself to sleep.