Peggy's PoV
She sighed slightly, her eyelids fluttering as her body began to wake up. The morning sunshine that filled the room filtering through her eyelashes, dazzling her momentarily. She blinked - once - twice - three times- allowing her eyes adjust to the bright room.
At first she thought she was at home in her own bed, that she had yet again forgotten to close her curtains and was now paying the price with an unruly headache. However, as she raised her head to look around her, she realised that that was not, in fact, the case. Her eyes traveled around the cubicle as her brain caught up with her, a dull throb forming behind her eyes.
Peggy rested her head back down on the firm pillow as memories of what had happened flooded her mind.
The mission. The pain. The exhaustion. She screwed her eyes shut as what had happened hit her yet again, the pain in her head becoming a profound thumb that matched the racing beat of her heart.
Questions started racing through her mind.
"Where is the man with the knife? Did McCabe get him here alright? How did I get here? How long have I been here? What happened after I blacked out?"
She moved to cover her face with her good hand, her broken one being held above her in a sling, when she realised she couldn't. It was intertwined with another. Despite the pain that slammed through her head, she lifted her head slightly once again, her gaze moving down her right arm go the hand clasped in hers, finally stopping on the sleeping form beside her. His muscular chest was leaned forward in the chair on which he sat, his head resting on the bed, just beside their hands. Steve's face as turned towards her, his usually perfect hair askew, all remnants of stress and worry gone. He looked peaceful. No lines creased his brow, no furrow pulling at his eyebrows, no pursed lips or set jaw. He was relaxed. He was at ease.
Peggy had to admit, she loved the man in everything he did - sure he had his vices and he could be an idiot, but he was her idiot and here he was, completely vulnerable; an innocent. He was just Steve Rogers -the kid from Brooklyn - without the weight of the world on his shoulders - and to be able to see that, utterly blew her away.
He looked so peaceful and handsome as he slept, his long eyelashes brushing against his cheek, his pink lips slightly parted as he breathed deeply and slowly, each breath seeming to calm her in some unexplainable manner.
She remembered seeing him then, telling him that she loved him and hearing him say it too. She didn't know why she hadn't asked all the questions she still had unanswered at that moment, but she was so caught up in the man that she loved that she didn't really care.
A small cough pulled her from her thoughts and from Steve. She turned her head towards the sound, her yes landing on a smaller dark haired man with a well groomed moustache.
"Howard?" She whispered as her eyes focused on him despite her headache that didn't seem to be going anywhere.
"Hey trooper, how ya holdin' up?" He asked quietly as he stepped into the cubicle.
"Just dandy," she said with a smirk.
"That's my girl!"
Peggy shook her head, a small smile tugging at her lips.
"Say Howard, tell me, did McCabe get the Russian in alright? I don't remember anything after-"
"-after you passed out, yeah. McCabe got 'im in alright and he carried you in too. Said he turned around and when he looked back you were out cold. I brought you up here myself." He paused for a moment, looking at her seriously. "You have me quite the scare, Peg."
"I'm sorry Howard, but thank you, for bringing me here."
"Don' mention it," he said, waving her off.
He looked over at the sleeping form of Steve and back to Peggy, a wide smile spreading across his face.
"Speakin' of not mentionin' things..." He wiggled his eyebrows at her, nodding at the sleeping super soldier.
Peggy sighed, rolling her eyes.
"Howard-"
"It's alright, Peggy," he assured her, his smile faltering only slightly for a moment when he saw the glare he was getting from her for interrupting her twice within two minutes. "You don' need to explain. You can tell me later when you won't take the pain of your injuries out on me," he laughed nervously, adding a wink for good measure. He shrugged before continuing. "I'm just glad he took my advice, 'cause asking you out woulda terrified me."
She raise her eyebrow at his smirk, looking for an explanation, but he just waved her off.
"That's a story for another time."
A nurse stepped into the cubicle just then, nodding to Howard before getting to work. His eyes followed the nurse with that Stark look, one that she knew too well, causing Peggy to glare at him again. When he caught the Agent's gaze he stopped in his tracks.
"Well, I just came to see how you're doin' Peggy-," he said, with a slightly nervous smile. "-so I'll drop by later and check up on ya."
He smiled once, nodding to the nurse, throwing Peggy a sly wink before stepping out of the cubicle and shutting the curtain.
The nurse set about checking Peggy's vitals as she lay back down. Her white uniform was crisp - impeccably so- and, when combined with her pale skin, made her coffee coloured hair stand out. Each curl was set perfectly, her tight, but groomed bun unmoving as she got to work.
"How're ya feelin', Agent?" The woman asked, her voice high and musical, a Brooklyn twang clinging to her words.
"Well, if I'm honest, bloody awful. I don't think there's a part of my body that doesn't at least ache and my head is throbbing like I had a few too many Gin and Tonics last night," she said with a wince.
The nurse chuckled quietly at her humour, despite her pain.
"Well, I've got some painkillers that should sort that out, but I'd suggest staying away from the Gin for a while."
Peggy went to give the woman a salute, but on realising that both hands were currently indisposed so she settled for a nod.
"Aye aye, Nurse."
"You can call me Nora," the nurse said with a warm smile, handing her some medication.
"And you can call me Peggy."
"Alright Peggy," Nora beamed, her eyes flickering over to Steve, who was still asleep. "Is he finally getting some sleep?"
"Finally?" Peggy asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, he certainly didn't sleep the first two nights-"
"Two night!? Good god! How long have I been here?"
"Well, you came in late Friday night and today is Sunday-"
" Sunday?! Bloody hell!"
"You were pretty out of it, Peggy. You'd been through what must have been a tough mission, so it's understandable. Plus you were on your own, right?"
Peggy nodded as Nora helped her sit up, moving Steve's hand to accommodate her and adjusting the height at which her arm was being held.
"But, I don't understand, I was awake! I talked to Steve!"
"Even so, it could have just been the end of the adrenaline pumping through your system before you really went out of it."
Peggy just sat there for a moment before Nora continued.
" I doubt many of those big burly I'm-so-much-better-than-you-'cause-I'm-an-agent-and-you're-not-but-please-fix-my-ouchie men wouldn't have survived that mission, or at least had not gotten themselves into a coma."
"You don't get very far in this business if you're not a lot tougher than they are, I'm afraid." Peggy looked down at hand in Steve's before meeting the nurse's gaze again. "It takes a hell of a lot of work to get this job and even when you do, even after all this time, after everything you did during the war, after saving all of their lives countless times, no one gives a damn. You get used to it though. You start to not see those big burly, egotistical narcissists, but instead, little boys who are scared witless and you realise, even though you might be a better agent, or better suited for whatever job you're doing, or even a better person, they will never tell you that. You have to value yourself, Nora, and know your worth. Because at the end of the day, no one else's opinion matters."
"Well, I'll be damned."
Peggy smiled, looking at the cast that covered her broken arm.
"It's not my first rodeo."
"Well Peggy, if you don't mind me sayin', I don't think you're the only one that values you." Nora checked her arm before moving to the cuts on her chest, her cobalt blue eyes squinting slightly in concentration at she began removing the bandage. "Mr. Stark certainly does. He was as white as a ghost when he came in here with you. And this fella right here-," she nodded over to Steve as she began checking her stitches. "-if he doesn't value you, well then I'm a monkey's uncle and there is no hope for anyone in this world. He refused to leave your side. Told Mr. Stark he was goin' nowhere. Even said it to the Colonel. Said he wasn't leavin' 'til you woke up and he knew you were okay. Course he wasn't rude or anything, just honest." She began applying a new bandage. "An' he accommodated me and the girls as much as we accommodated him. He even stepped outside whenever we wanted to change your bandages. That's a right proper gentleman you've got there." She finished with the bandage and pulled back up Peggy's hospital gown. "He cares about you, Peggy. More than that even."
Nora's words hung in the air as she checked the rest of her cuts and bruises.
After a few moments, Nora broke the silence.
"I've got some good news for you, Peggy."
The Agent raised her eyebrows.
"Your stitches are healin' nicely, your wounds are clean and in the mend too. Your arm'll need to be in a cast for a few weeks, but apart from that, I'd say you could be goin' home tomorrow!"
"Thank the Lord!"
"The Doctor'll want to check you over and probably keep you in one more night, but you should be right as rain after that. No more missions for a while and lots of home rest, but you'll be fine."
Nora beamed at her and Peggy returned the smile.
"Thank you, Nora."
"Thank you, Peggy, for makin' me feel worth somethin'."
"Forget about it. I'm sure you'd do the same for me."
Nora started cleaning up the bandages and putting things back on the metal tray to the side.
"Maybe we could hang out some time. No Gin, of course."
"Oh, of course."
They both laughed.
"Say, you'll probably have to come in to get your stitches checked out, but if you want, I can do a home visit? That way you don't have to get a cab or whatever and I don't have to worry about you bursting your stitches on your way here."
"Well, only if it suits."
"Nonsense. I have house calls to do some days anyways. Plus-" Nora leaned in a bit closer, lowering her voice and holding her hand up, partially covering her mouth so that she could whisper. "- I could always do with a break from this place."
The nurse chuckled as she finished cleaning up while Peggy smiled at her.
"Where do you live?"
"If you say so. On the corner of Hawthorne Street and New York Avenue."
"Rightio. I'll put that in the book so and I'll check in on ya."
"Thanks Nora."
"It's no problem, Peggy."
*
When Peggy next woke up, she wasn't greeted by the sleeping face of Steve, nor the smiling face of Steve. In fact, the super soldier was nowhere to be seen.
She hoisted herself up slowly, noticing the throbbing in her head was considerably less.
Peggy looked towards the curtain where she saw it move slightly, as if someone was just on the other side. She could vaguely make out whispers, about what she didn't know, but they were definitely there.
From the urgency and force behind the whispers that we gradually getting louder, Peggy knew that someone was having an argument.
She listened carefully, closing her eyes, focusing in on the voices and trying to hear what they were saying.
"You can't honestly expect her to do a debrief today. She's barely well enough to go home, for cryin' out loud!"
"Steve?"
"That's the point, the doc cleared her. She is well enough to go home. She shoulda been debriefed the moment she woke up the first time, but I stalled as long as I could. I can't stall anymore."
"Howard-"
"Steve, I've done all I can. The Colonel'll have my head if she leaves without giving her side of it and he already has my ass. I hate it as much as you do, I really do, but without knowin' what went on or what questions to ask, his interrogation can't get itself over and done with."
She heard Steve sigh.
"Either she does it before she leaves or they'll haul her in tomorrow and neither of us wants her here when we're about to get down and dirty with our Russian friend."
Steve scoffed.
"Sure. Friend."
"Ya know what I mean, Rogers."
Steve didn't reply, but he didn't need to. Peggy's mind was lost in what Howard had said.
She was to be debriefed. Today.
Sure, it was routine and she had done more than her fair share of them before, but this was different. She'd almost forgotten she'd have to do it; almost thought she might not have to relive it.
But she would; today.
It was always hard, going through a mission, step by step, especially if it didn't go well. This mission had been close; too close, and going through what had happened and even thinking about what could have happened if she hadn't found that bit of strength made her head spin and bile rise up the back of her throat.
And the Russian, the man with his bloody knife, would be interrogated the next day and they wanted her to miss it.
There was no chance she was missing watching him suffer. No chance in hell.
She'd be there alright, even if she had to walk, even if she had to crawl.
She'd be there. She'd watch him go down. She'd watch him pay.
*
After a few moments, Steve and Howard walked into the cubicle. Howard told her told her that she was about to be discharged, but that she needed to go on a quick detour before she got to go home, but that the nurse would be in in a minute to let her go.
Steve stood quietly in the corner, completely silent, a smile on his face; one that if you didn't know him that well, you could have thought it was encouraging, but not Peggy. She knew him too well. His eyes told it all. He was worried about her and definitely not happy with the arrangement, but he was trying his best to not let her know it. He knew it what it was like to go through a tough debrief and when he smiled at her like that she understood, he was there if and when she needed him, but he'd give her her space.
Nora came in shortly after the two men stepped outside, removing her IV, helping her get dressed, putting her arm into a sling and letting her know she'd pop by in the morning as she would be on her rounds anyway.
Peggy hugged her new friend, thanking her for everything before walking out with Steve and heading towards the Mission Room and the Colonel's office.
"Steve-" she paused when they reached the door of Colonel Phillip's office "-I really appreciate you wanting to be there for me and help me through this," she looked down at her hands before meeting his gaze. "-but this is something I need to do alone."
"I don't want you to hear it this way, so formally and without emotion. I'll tell you in my own time. I love you Steve, but you don't need to hear this," she corrected in her head.
The Captain held her gaze, taking her good hand in his, searching her face for any doubt, but when he was satisfied that she was sure - or more like he knew she wasn't, but didn't want to push her - he smiled at her, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze.
Okay, Peg. I'll wait for you outside the Mission Room and then we'll get you home." He put his hand on her cheek, smoothing his thumb across her cheekbone and looking into her eyes. "It's gonna be okay. It'll be over soon, I promise."
She nodded and he smiled at her sadly, removing his hand from her cheek and squeezing her hand once more.
"I'll see you in a little bit, Sweetheart."
And with that he headed in the opposite direction, where he'd wait for her.
Peggy took a deep breath.
Even though she wanted him to stay, she knew she needed to do this alone. She'd tell him when the time was right, when she knew where to start, when she had actually wrapped her brain around the disastrous mission.
The Agent turned to the door, opening it as fast as her body would let her. She just wanted to get it over and done with.
Once inside, she sat down opposite the Colonel as directed and awaited her cue to start talking. He gave her a nod and she willed herself to speak.
"Come on, Peggy. Tell him. Tell him and you can go home."
She opened her mouth the start speaking, unsure of where to start, but she just started recounting the mission without even thinking. She could hear herself talking, but it was as if her brain was momentarily disconnected from her body.
She began to panick, but after a few moments of not knowing what was happening she regained control and calmed slightly, looking down at her hands as she began.
She told the Colonel everything; every single detail that came to mind as she thought back to the mission that felt like it had only been the day before. She told him about the Russians and how they had pinned her to the container and tried to undress her; how they had tried to assault her. She recounted fighting back, how every instinct she had gathered, every move she had learned over the years had kicked in and saved her life. She fought them and survived, but not only did she come back with mostly minor injuries, she managed to bring one of the men she had fought back with her.
"They were not getting to me, Colonel. They tried, oh man they tried. But there was no way in hell that they would have touched me and lived to tell the tale." Peggy tugged at the end of her sling. "There is no way I would have given them that chance." She gritted her teeth, anger taking over for a moment. "Those bastards were not. getting. me."
Peggy looked up from her hands doe the first time since she had started speaking and she saw the Colonel staring back. He looked taken aback, almost shocked at what she has told him. He sat in his chair, his hands clasped on the desk in front of him, a hint of something on his face that Peggy didn't quite recognise on him.
He looked away quickly, running his hand down his face. Colonel Phillips cleared his throat and rearranged some papers in his desk,
"Thank you for that, Carter. You're free to go," he said, not meeting her gaze.
Peggy nodded.
"Oh and you've to take sick leave until the doc clears ya. And that's not up for discussion."
"Yes, Sir," the Agent replied as she stood up and moved to the door.
"Carter."
Peggy turned to face her body, her hand on the door knob.
He looked at her with more pain and sadness in his eyes than she had seen in all those years she was stationed with him during the war. His gaze flickered to the desk before meeting her's again.
"I'm sorry."
Her throat tightened slightly as the Colonel looked at her like he never had before; like he actually gave a damn.
She opened the door a few inches and tried to smile as best as she could, but it turned out to just be a slight upward tough of the corners of her lips as tears stung the back of her eyes.
"Thank you, Sir, but we both know that it wasn't your fault."
And with that, she hurried out if the office and through the mission room, reminding herself that she was going home, to just stay together a little bit longer.
Steve was waiting for her exactly where he said he would. Peggy hurried over to him, wrapping her good around around him and burying her face in his chest. His arms immediately wrapped around her.
"Peg? Sweetheart? Are you okay?"
She nodded against his chest, breathing in his scent which was already starting to calm her.
Steve didn't question her, he just stood there, his arms around her, holding her tightly against him for as long as she needed.
After a few minutes, Peggy pulled back a little to show Steve that she was okay. Concern was plastered across his features, his brows knit tightly together as he looked at her. He took her face in his too hands, placing a soft loving kiss against her forehead, making Peggy lean into him slightly.
He didn't force a confession out of her, didn't wait for her to talk, he just threw his arm over her shoulder and smiled down at her.
"Let's get you home, Agent Carter."
"Lead the way, Captain Rogers."
*
The car ride home seemed to take a decade, but Peggy wasn't too weary of it with Steve by her side. Steve sat silently beside her, as if he knew that she didn't what to talk. He just held her hand in his, smoothing comforting circles across the back of her hand of his thumb. The lump in her throat seemed to only be getting worse, as if they had replaced the golf ball with a tennis ball just to spite her. She was on the verge of tears the whole way home and yet, she didn't know why. She was almost angry at herself for being so emotional.
There was a war going on in her head over how she felt and how she should feel. She shouldn't be sad because nothing happened. She shouldn't feel scared because they didn't get that far and she can defend herself. She shouldn't feel emotional because nothing tragic happened; no one died. She shouldn't feel weak or vulnerable because she can't let people see her like that. She shouldn't feel any of these things, but, despite all theses reasons for not feeling them, she does. Something might not have happened, but it nearly did and that leaves it's toll on a person. She was allowed to be scared, weak and vulnerable because she's human and it's only natural.
Peggy didn't know which thoughts were right and which were wrong so she just sat ther, feeling everything and nothing, just waiting for the weight of the universe to crush her. But it didn't and she knew it couldn't. Not while Steve was there. The super-soldier was the only thing she was sues about in that instant. He was her rock in this ordeal and she knew if the universe did try to crush her, he'd climb under it and help her carry the weight.
She just needed time before she could tell him.
*
When they got to her apartment, Steve agreed to stay for a cup of tea, which soon turned into snuggling in her couch.
They were both silent as Peggy rested her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. She could tell that he wanted to ask, to know what happened, but he didn't and Peggy was glad for that.
He knew he as well as she knew herself, if not better. She'd tell him when she was ready and, after reliving it just a few hours earlier, she knew she wasn't.
They just lay there, his head on a pillow, her head on his chest as he drew soothing patterns on bee shoulder with his finger tips.
The combination of listening to Steve's steady heart beat and the soothing patterns he drew soon had her eyes drooping and before she knew it, she was pulled in am ocean of sleep by another wave of exhaustion.
*
KNOCK. KNOCK KNOCK. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
Peggy woke with a start as someone knocked on the door.
"Peggy? It's Nora. Dr. Hill wants to check your stitches himself so he's here too," she heard a voice cake through the door.
The Agent went to sit up when she realised that she was in top of someone. Her sleepy brain snapped awake suddenly as her eyes took in the sleeping form of Steve.
"Good god, he slept over. And the doctor is at the door. Here to check my stitches and there's a man on my couch who's not my husband. Who slept.the.night. Oh lord have mercy."
"Steve," Peggy whispered, trying to wake him. "Steve! Steve! For god's sake man!" She whisper yelled. She poked him and then grabbed a pillow, whacking him around the head with it.
That did the trick.
Steve said up suddenly, ready to fight when he saw Peggy looking alarmed.
"Peg-" he asked at normal volume, causing Peggy to shush him by covering his mouth with her hand.
He just raised an eyebrow at her.
"The doctor and nurse are currently at the door and are here to check my stitches and well... You slept over," Peggy whispered.
Steve's eyes widened suddenly. He looked to the door and to Peggy and back again before he raced to stand up, grabbing his jacket and shoes and heading for her bedroom. Peggy ran after him.
"Where in the name of God are you going?"
"Out the window."
"Are you crazy?
"Maybe, but have you got a better plan?"
"Peggy? Are you okay in there?"
"Shoot," she whispered. "Yeah, I'm okay, Nora. Just give me a minute," she called back.
Steve opened the window and turned back to Peggy.
"You've no fire escape."
"Nope," she confirmed. "Good luck scaling the building," she said, giving him a kiss on the cheek and a smile.
"Oh thanks." He soda sarcastically. "Oh and Peggy?"
"Yeah?" She asked before she went to open the door.
"You don't look like you just woke up so maybe put on a dressing gown or something 'cause Nora saw you in those clothes yesterday."
"Shoot."
"Good luck with that," he said with a wink before climbing out the window.
Peggy quickly shut it after him and stripped, throwing on a night gown and dressing gown over the top, which wasn't easy with her arm. She ran to answer the door as she finally got her arm through the sleeve.
The Agent opened the door with a smoke.
"Sorry that took so long, I was trying to get this bloody cast through my sleeve."
"Or truth be told, get my boyfriend out of my apartment so you wouldn't think I was some floozy."
She laughed quietly, sealing the deal on both what she had said and thought, but the doctor and nurse were none the wiser.
***