Patrick told me that everybody was outside. I just nodded and started to follow him towards the patio door to the backyard. I could see all three of my uncles out there by the grill. Aria and Phoebe were both sitting at the table, but weren’t speaking. I could tell neither of them were happy.
Just as Patrick and I were getting closer to the door, Vanessa came back inside. She smiled brightly at us. “Hey, boys! What are you up to?"
“Not much,” Patrick said on our behalf. “Just talking.”
“That’s nice. The girls are out there,” Vanessa said, pointing outside. “They look crabby though, so watch out.” She laughed lightly and I tried not to grimace. Patrick caught my eye and I looked away. “Caise, why don’t you come help me finish up the salads in the kitchen?”
“I don’t know, aunt Vanessa,” Patrick started to say.
She gave him a look, though, that made him stop talking. “Nonsense. Patrick you go cheer up the girls. Aria said Jaxon will be here soon. And make sure your fathers and uncle don’t burn the food.”
Vanessa swiftly started to walk away and I didn’t have a choice but to follow her. If I didn’t, it would just raise unnecessary questions. Patrick gave me an apologetic look, but I bit my lip and walked away.
I entered the kitchen and she put a couple bowls on the counter. Vanessa laid out the ingredients and everything we needed in order to make the two different kinds of pasta salads. I followed her instructions and let her tell me what to put in my bowl. It took me a few minutes to learn that my salad was a bacon, ranch pasta salad with bowtie noodles. It looked really good--and even made my stomach growl even though the thought of food these last couple weeks always seemed to make me sick.
“We haven’t gotten a chance to talk in a while, Caise,” my aunt said, heading over to the refrigerator to grab something. “What’s been going on with you?”
For once, I was being asked this question and it was being uttered in simply a curious tone. There weren’t any hidden tricks or accusations to it. She wasn’t trying to pry or force something out of me that I didn’t want to talk about. My aunt Vanessa, bless her soul for this, was honestly just wondering how I was doing. I felt like I was in an alternate universe because of it.
I tried to hide my pleasant surprise as I answered her. “Oh not a whole lot, I guess.”
Aunt Vanessa came back over to me and gave me a knowing look. “Caise, I know all about you and your boyfriend.”
My body tensed when she said that. What was she talking about? What did she mean by that? She couldn’t possibly know about the bruises. I didn’t see her very often. Nobody knew but me and Rikert.
“Y-you do?” I asked warily.
“Of course,” she beamed happily. “You’re dating that Rikert boy. Now, I know my Phoebe has had her heart set on him for a while, but she’s young! She’ll bounce back. So don’t let her bully you.”
I let out a breath in relief and added more ranch dressing to my salad. “Oh.”
“I’ve heard such great things about you two. Marck and Kris say that he’s a remarkable kid and that he really seems to care about you,” she said. “If you two really are in love or whatever, then hold onto it. Because you don’t always get so lucky to find someone so special.”
I swallowed and bit my lip. I put a few of the mini pepperonis into the bowl and stirred it up. Vanessa worked on perfecting her own dish as we stood in silence for a minute or two.
“Aunt Vanessa?” I blurted out before I could stop myself.
“Yeah?” she wondered, throwing me a smile.
“Uh,” I muttered hesitantly. “Well, I was wondering that, uhm. Well, how--how do you know if you have someone special?”
I held my breath and stared unseeing at the bowl in front of me as I waited for my aunt to answer. Did that question sound too dumb? God, I could be so idiotic sometimes. She drew in a deep breath. It took her a moment to reply, so I figured she was contemplating on what she would say to me.
“Does he treat you right?”
I was shocked because I had not been expecting that of all things. “What?”
“Does he treat you right?” she repeated. “That’s the first thing you should be asking yourself. It’s not about whether you love him or if he loves you. It’s about whether or not you’re good to each other. Because you can’t truly have everything else if the answer to that question is no.”
“You can’t?” I asked, on the border of confusion now.
Vanessa laughed lightly at me. “Not really. Honey, you know you have someone special when being with them makes you feel special. You should always feel wanted and safe with this person. That’s what relationships are all about. And you have to have communication. You both have to know what the other needs, and you have to respect it. It’s not going to be a very healthy relationship if you don’t understand each other and treat each other equally.”
I went back to staring at my spoon as I mixed things up. Vanessa threw more black bacon bits into my bowl before she went back to talking.
“Look at it this way. You should never let yourself get really hurt by the person you’re with. You’re better than that,” she added. “I know you’re a tough kid, but you crack easily. And that’s okay. It’s alright to be sensitive. But that does not mean you deserve to have someone walk all over you. If things aren’t going great right now, then you should end it. You’re young, too. You’ve got all the time in the world to find someone new.”
“I guess,” I mumbled unhappily at her words.
“But I don’t think you’ve got much to worry about. From what I’ve heard, you and Rikert are perfect for each other. Try not to let things get in the way. Let it play out and see how far it goes.”
Honestly, that was what I was worried about. What if Rikert kept pushing things and he went farther than I could ever recover from? I didn’t like when he hit me, but I loved being with him all the other times. He could be so loving and gentle that it made my heart ache.
I frowned to myself. My aunt’s words left me more confused than before I started to ask questions. I knew Rikert and I didn’t have the most normal relationship, but what was normal anyway? It was overrated.
And I did feel wanted by Rikert. He never failed to show me how much he wanted me to be with him. But safe? That depended on the day and the circumstances. I knew that a lot of the time, it was my fault. I ruined things easily and I was the one who brought his temper out. I just had to get better at not aggravating him. I needed to listen more.
As far as communication went, I understood him completely. I knew what I was supposed to do. I did what he wanted. That’s the kind of behaviour we were supposed to have. Rikert called the shots and stumbled along after him. It worked, to a certain extent. Until it didn’t and it left me a crying mess for Patrick to deal with.
But it was already mid-November. Maybe I should just stick with it until I went home in January. It wasn’t that far away, really. I could be good; I could be better. And Rikert wouldn’t want to hit me anymore. And then before I knew it I would be back in New Zealand with my family.
I would actually be safe. Because I knew that trying to end things with Rikert wouldn’t go well. He would never allow it. Besides, I didn’t think I even had it in me to do such a thing. I was weak and Rikert was the missing piece. Everything he did to soothe me and make me feel comfortable when I was with him erased everything else from my mind. I couldn’t think or function properly. It was like my only purpose was to be there with him.
“Caise,” she said softly, “just remember that your parents love you. I know they don’t always have the best track record with you, but you’re still their son.” I only blinked down at my bowl, not sure if I had an answer or if I even wanted to. “They only want what is best for you, and do so your uncles and I. We all love you, okay?”
I nodded and she put an arm around me in a sideways hug.
“You can always come to me about anything,” she urged with a smile. “So don’t be afraid, alright?”
“Okay,” I mumbled.
It was strange hearing stuff like this from my aunt Vanessa. I didn’t know her that well, but I would have to say that she was the closest thing to a mother figure I had right now. My apa’s sister, Kayleigh, was also my aunt, but I never really talked to her. She’d only visited us when I was a baby so even though she was more closely related to me, I felt more comfortable around Vanessa.
I had to admit that it was definitely a nice change of pace, though. A woman’s perspective on things was far different from anything either of my parents could offer to say. Plus, she didn’t know me like my dad and apa did. She hadn’t been around me long enough to hate me like they did. Although, I supposed it was only a matter of time. It always ended the same. Kieran, Eryn, my parents...everyone.
“Hey, mom!” a familiar voice chirped.
I turned my head away from my own thoughts and saw Jaxon walking into my kitchen. He had a lazy grin on his face as he looked at my aunt. She glared at him, taking her arm away from my shoulders. I quirked my lips as I watched the teenaged boy rile my aunt up.
“Oh, Jaxon,” my aunt sighed irritably, looking away from him again. “I told you to call me Vanessa. I’m not your mother; you’ve got your own.”
“You will be, sooner or later,” Jaxon argued light-heartedly.
My aunt scoffed, but I knew she liked Jaxon. You could tell because she wasn’t putting her whole heart into brushing him off. If she was anything like Phoebe, she would make her feelings quite clear. “As if you could handle my daughter for that long.”
Jaxon looked over to meet my eyes. He sent me a secret wink and I coughed to cover my involuntary giggle.
“The real question here, mom, is whether your daughter can handle me,” he said, putting as much overconfidence into his words as he could. “Because I am the total package. And I can be quite high maintenance sometimes. Always gotta have my hair and makeup done. And oh, do not forget the nails.”
“What about the accessories?” I mumbled quietly, amused by his rant.
“Why thank you, Caise!” Jaxon said happily, pointing an enthusiastic finger at me. He grinned at me and looked back at my aunt who was now glaring at him again. “Must have those new shoes.”
“Okay, shut up,” Vanessa said. I could hear the hint of a smile under her stern tone.
“When do I get my allowance, mom?” Jaxon asked, wiggling his eyebrows at her. “I need to go shopping with my bff, Caise.”
“Never, you brat,” she snapped. She turned to me and lightly pushed me towards Jaxon. “Caise, you’re free of kitchen duty. Get this boy away from me before I call his real mother.”
“Ouch!” Jaxon called over his shoulder after he pulled me out of the room by my arm. “Oh how you wound my heart!”
I heard the faint sound of Vanessa chuckling softly. Jaxon looked down at me with a broad grin. “She loves me.”
“She loves to argue with you,” I said.
He laughed momentarily. “What’s the difference? I’m gonna be around for a while anyway” he said with genuine confidence. “Aria’s the one for me.”
“That’s great,” I mumbled, attempting to sound happy for him.
I followed Jaxon through the living room and made myself smile with him. It wasn’t his fault that he already knew he wanted to be with Aria forever. They had an actually decent and happy relationship. Not like mine. But then again, I had no one to blame but myself for that. I let Rikert do the things he did. So it was no one’s fault but mine that my boyfriend beat me.
In essence I was no better than Rikert. I was really just as despicable as he was if you thought about it. And I didn’t like to think about it. So I pushed it from my mind yet again as I went out into the backyard to celebrate my uncle Scott’s forty-fifth birthday with the rest of my family.
I sat next to Patrick and did a lot of ignoring. I ignored his worried glances. I ignored the hatred that was radiating off of my youngest cousin. I continued to ignore the sickening cuteness that was Jaxon and Aria cuddling and goofing around in the yard. And, lastly, I ignored the impending doom of my gradually imploding life and the high expectations of my proud aunt and uncles.
I wasn’t perfect. I was so far from it, I could be the laughingstock of the entire world by this point. So I stuck a fake smile on my face and pretended yet again that I wasn’t falling apart more and more as every second ticked by.