Over the next few days it snowed non-stop, and I was pretty much stuck in the house with my still angry parents and my sisters, who tried to cheer me up by watching movies with me and trying to get me to help make cookies. But nothing was interesting anymore, now that I knew Liam was off in another city, getting a nice apartment, or another nice house, and he was going to start teaching at a university. He was going to forget about me. I would just be that silly little boy that totally fell in love with him. Wasn’t I? I couldn’t decide what I thought. Did Liam still love me? Did he ever really love me?
He had to. It had felt so mutual, so strong. And…
That damn hole was eating at me, pulling me apart, making me unable to eat or even think about food.
It was Wednesday, a week or so from Christmas, and Louis called me asking if I wanted to head over to his house and make cookies with him, Harry, Niall, and Josh. I accepted, but only because I needed to get the fuck out of my house or I was really going to lose it for good and go crazy.
“Shit, Zayn, when was the last time you ate?” Louis asked as I got in the car. I shrugged and curled up in the seat, pressing my face against the window. “Zee, seriously, love, I’m worried about you,”
“Don’t be,” I whispered.
“You look like skin and bones…fuck,” Louis said, still not driving.
“It doesn’t matter,” I snapped.
“Zayn I can’t let you fade away like this…I mean…holy shit,” Louis cursed again.
“Drive,”
Louis began to drive down the street, but didn’t stop talking about how much he worried about me and how I needed to eat and forget about Liam and blah and blah and blah….
“Zayn,” Louis said. I looked up at him. “We’ve been sitting in front of my house for five minutes.”
“Oh,”
“Maybe you should…sit down and talk with me. You know, about…everything. Maybe I can help you move on,” Louis suggested, getting out and walking around to my side, helping me out, “Zayn, I’m really worried about you,”
“I’ll be okay,” I managed a broken smile.
Inside I sat on the couch, smelling the cookies and watching as Niall and Josh and Harry threw icing all over the place. Louis sat next to me, holding me tight and cooing in my ear. It was really kind of nice, having Louis watch over me like this. However, I still just hurt. They kept offering me cookies and food, but I just wanted to cry. I wanted to eat, but I couldn’t.
“When was the last time you ate?” Louis finally asked again.
“I had a piece of a pancake this morning,” I said.
“No, I mean, when was the last time you ate an actual meal?”
“I…I don’t know. Sometime before Liam left,”
Louis’s face twisted, “Zee…”
“I’m sorry,”
And then I was crying again. Dear Lord, I didn’t understand how I could continue to cry like this. How were there any tears left?
The rest of the afternoon was a bit more cheery. Niall always knew how to make me laugh and smile, even in this condition. Harry was sweet, Louis was caring, and I felt okay that I had such great friends. Louis forced a small plate of food down my throat and a cookie or two. When I left later that evening I felt quite a bit better. However, as soon as I got home, things went bad again.
My phone was ringing in my pocket as I stepped into my room. I pulled it out and stared at the screen, flashing and reading ‘Liam’ in bright writing. My stomach dropped and I suddenly felt like vomiting, but I couldn’t help myself as I put the phone to my ear and hit the green button.
But no words came out of my mouth.
“Zayn?” Liam’s voice rang through the line, “Are you there?”
The tears fell down my cheeks and I dropped to my knees where I stood, wondering why Liam would leave me and break my heart, only to call me a few days later.
“Listen, Zee,” Liam’s voice cracked, “I know you’re there, I can hear you breathing and…crying,”
I choked out another sob.
“You don’t need to say anything, because…because I guess I kind of understand it you hate me. But, I just wanted to let you know that I’m moved into my new apartment. I…I paid for it with my own money, and I thought I would just…tell you that. I’m proud of it. It is one of the only things in my life that my father didn’t buy for me. And uh….I guess the real reason I called was to tell you that I miss you. And I’m sorry. I really am….I mean…..Fuck. Zayn, I’m sorry,”
It didn’t seem fair that Liam could do this to me. I crawled over to the corner of the room and curled into a ball, wedged in the corner tightly. My teeth were digging into my lip and I could taste the blood mixing in my mouth.
“That’s all really. We don’t really have that much more time, Zayn. Your birthday isn’t that far away. Just…hang in there until then, and you can come see my new apartment and stay the night. Or…” His voice was bright with possibility and as amazing as it seemed, I didn’t want to allow myself to fall for his words.
“I love you Zayn,”
That’s when I hung up the phone.
~
It was Christmas Eve’s eve, and I was actually feeling a little bit better. Instead of dwelling on Liam so much I forced myself to immerse myself into my studies. English literature from all different centuries and writing everything that I scribbled down in this small black book, which my sisters started to call my diary. Whatever.
Of course I still missed Liam like I couldn’t even explain, but Louis had forced me to move on. Sure I had lost a bit too much weight over this whole thing, but I was okay. Alive and moving on. (Okay, maybe I was still trying to move one. Maybe I wasn’t quite there yet.)
I sat at my desk reading some random novel from my mom’s small library. I could care less about what it was called or who it was written by, I just cared that it took me away from the life I was living and to another place where Liam didn’t even fucking exist.
My phone rang, pulling me out of my beautifully crafted world and I answered it.
“Zee, how about we go sledding?” Louis suggested, his voice tense with excitement. I heard voice in the background, probably Harry, Niall, and Josh, screaming and laughing, their voices echoing through the phone. My stomach dropped again. Liam had wanted to go sledding. I clenched my eyes shut angrily. “So Zayn, what do you say? I’ll bring the lot around to your house and we’ll head down to Satan’s Drop, you know, that hill down by the old church that we used to go to when we were little?”
“Fine,” I breathed, trying to push Liam from my mind again.
“Great! We’ll be down there in like….”
“FIVE MINUTES!” Someone shouted in the background.
“Yeah,” Louis laughed, “What Niall said,”
I spent the next few minutes bundling up and grabbing my favorite beanie. It was cold outside, and running around in the snow with Louis and the others was going to be freezing.
The honk from Louis’s old car forced me to jog down the steps, past my sisters and parents, and out into the snow. Louis had left the front seat open for me, and I smiled, because Harry, Niall, and Josh were all pushed into the back seat, smashed together.
“Hey Zee,” Louis beamed.
“Hi,”
“Are you ready for some intense sledding?” Josh asked from the backseat. I nodded solemnly and bit my lip. Don’t think about Liam. Don’t think about Liam. Don’t think about Liam.
It wasn’t long before we were parked in front of the old church. The church was made of brick and large, the bell tower holding an old brass bell that still rang on the hour, even though it wasn’t even used for mass anymore. It was abandoned. However, it seemed kind of awesome, and aged, and mysterious. Each time the bell rang when we were little, Louis and I would race towards the church and see how many times it would ring before we got there. My heart warmed with the memory, and I think that Louis felt it too, because we both looked at each other and smiled.
Josh and Niall giggled and hopped from the car, grabbing a sled from the trunk and running towards Satan’s drop—which was nowhere near as big as I remembered it. That last time I was here with Louis we were only…like….seven years old? Maybe eight.
Harry and Louis locked hands and grabbed their own sled, running after the others. I was left there alone, by the car, staring at the old church with wide eyes and feeling a lump start to form in my throat. There wasn’t one reason in particular that I started crying, but I did, and the cold wind practically froze the tears that slid down my face.
“Zayn! C’mon!”
I turned on my heel and trudged up Satan’s Drop in the few inches of snow.
“Like old times,” Louis smiled, “Yeah, Zee?”
“Yeah,” I nodded, wrapping my arm around Louis’s shoulders.
And then the church bell rang.
Louis and I both broke out in laughter, looking at each other for a moment, before sprinting off towards the church.
Ring!
A fit of giggles left my mouth and it felt good. Damn good. Louis ran right nice to me, his arms pumping fast and his legs flying over the snow and trying not to trip.
Ring!
My lungs felt like they were on fire and it felt amazing. Louis grabbed my arm and pulled me faster, my legs going crazy as I tried to keep up with him.
Ring!
And we were both against the bell tower, our palms pressed tightly to the brick surface. I laughed and fell over, grabbing my stomach and trying to breath.
“That was the quickest we ever got here,” Loius laughed, “When we were little it would take us at least four strikes of the bell. And that was our record,”
We both burst out laughing again and leaned back against the church. Niall and Josh sledded down the hill and Harry followed them, crumpling up into a pile at the bottom, and Louis and I laughed more.
This was fun. Something I hadn’t really experienced for awhile, and it got me thinking. If this was fun, imagine what it would be like if Liam was here.
Shit.
I bit my lip and shook my head. Don’t cry.
“Zee? Are you…damn it. You’re crying again aren’t you?”
~
“Do you want to stay the night?” Louis asked as we changed into warm and dry clothes, hidden in his room.
“But…tomorrow is Christmas Eve,” I said, “I don’t want to intrude on you or your family on a day like that, Lou,”
“I don’t mind,” He said, pulling a sweater on over his head and then walking over to me, “All we’re doing is hanging out, maybe doing some caroling, maybe making more cookies,”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Of course, Zee,”
“Then yes,” I breathed with a small smile, “I’ll stay,”
Louis smiled and threw me one of his favorite beanie hats, “Take that one, yours is all wet and cold,”
“Thanks,”
We lay in his bed for the rest of the day and into the night, watching movies and crying, and thinking aloud together. It felt nice like this.
“Harry’s dad was taken in for questioning yesterday. I don’t think he’ll be free much longer. The evidence is pretty obvious. Since Harry’s mom has been dead for a few years, I guess…he’ll be put into foster care,” Louis breathed, “I mean, I’m glad that he’s okay and that he is going to be safe. But what if he’s put in an orphanage far away? Or what if he is put in a foster home that isn’t that nice to him?” I said nothing, because I had no clue. I knew Louis didn’t expect me to answer anyway. He was just getting out all of his thoughts. It was nice. “I just can’t believe that Harry and I have only been together a few months, you know? I guess we’ve had this connection since the beginning. Ever since I interviewed him freshman year. Do you remember that, Zee?” He laughed.
I nodded and rolled over on the bed, closer to Louis.
“Louis, do you think that you can tell me how real love feels like?” I asked. Louis gave me a questioning look.
“Zayn, you know what love feels like,” Louis said.
“No I don’t,”
“Zee, you do. You were in love with Mr. Payne. Hell, you still are,” Louis said, brushing his hand over my cheek, “And you know how you felt when he held you in his arms or when you kissed, or when he cuddled with you. I know you felt that. Okay?” I broke into tears and Louis pulled me close. “I’m sorry Zee,”
“It’s okay,” I sobbed.
_______________________________________________________________
There you go. Another chapter.
I've been doing my best with updates, guys. I mean, almost everyday, yeah? So please don't just comment to ask me to update. Maybe....give me some critisism? Or...something?
Anywho...
LIAM NEEDS TO COME BACK TO ZAYN.
I think so.
VOTE!
COMMENT!
FAN!
SHARE!
xx ^_^