“Caise!”
I blinked, looking around. So much resemblance was in such a little thing as someone calling my name. It was as if it were the first week of school and I was back in the cafeteria. Kieran called me over to his table and introduced himself for the first time. That was also the day I met Rikert.
So much had changed since then. I was ashamed to admit that it wasn’t all good, either. In fact, most of it was bad. I wasn’t me anymore and I didn’t know how to get me back. And I wasn’t entirely sure if I wanted to. I’d learned so much about how to be a good boyfriend and how to make others happy. I didn’t know if it was worth risking everything to turn my back on Rikert. It would probably only make things a million times worse anyway.
I scanned the crowd on the bleachers and found that it wasn’t Kieran who was summoning me, but someone else entirely. I drifted fully back to the present and blocked out all thoughts about what my life was like three months ago.
“Caise!” Patrick called again.
He raised an eyebrow at me expectantly and I cautiously headed up the stairs towards him. It had been an hour and a half since I’d left Rikert to get ready for the game and I’d been sitting outside on the grass by myself the whole time. I had just been thinking about a lot of stuff. And then trying not to think about sitting alone for two more hours.
Now, I wouldn’t have to. Because Patrick bothered to take enough pity on me and let me sit with him. I was kind of concerned for my sanity when I silently wished he had been by himself, because he wasn’t. Aria was at his side that I wasn’t heading for and Phoebe was next to her sister.
The look on Phoebe’s face when she made eye contact with me said more than enough. She didn’t want me there and the overwhelming feeling of unwelcome hit me like a ton of bricks. I nearly turned around and ran away before Patrick gave me an uneasy smile that somehow changed my mind.
I kept moving and a few moments later I sat down with my three cousins. Aria mumbled a “hey” but was more focused on her text conversation than real life. Phoebe gave me a terrifying glare that had me nervous and curious at the same time before ignoring me completely. I wasn’t sure what exactly she was angry about this time, but I figured she’d tell me soon enough. She always yelled at me when I did something wrong. Plus, she had been ignoring me all week, too, so I figured she was about ready to let me have it.
“So,” Patrick drawled awkwardly. “You, uh, excited for the game?”
My eyes darted around the field just as awkwardly so that I didn’t have to look at my cousin. This was so weird that it was beyond anything that could ever be considered normal. Patrick never really spoke to me in public.
“I guess so. I haven’t seen Rikert play soccer before,” I answered.
“Well he’s really good,” Patrick said, off-handedly.
“Good?” Aria asked incredulously. “He’s way better than good. He’s probably good enough to go pro if he wanted.”
I felt the corner’s of my lips twitch, wanting to smile. “I’m not surprised,” I said quietly.
Patrick grumbled next to me. “Jesus, Aria. He’s not fucking perfect, you don’t have to worship him. Focus on your own fucking boyfriend.”
The smile fell from my face in an instant. The way Patrick spoke really hit home, and a couple of nerves as well. Rikert wasn’t perfect, no, but I treated him like he was. I did everything he said without even batting a lash. It was sickening the way I did worship him.
Why did I do that? I asked myself. How could I let this happen to me?
“...being a baby. Not my fault you’re jealous that we have boyfriends and you don’t,” Aria snapped, looking back at her phone.
“Oh shut up,” Patrick grumbled angrily.
“Whatever,” Aria said, clearly not caring about the conversation anymore.
Patrick huffed and turned his head to look at the field again. Then he turned his head slightly more and looked at me. His eyes widened a little when they met mine and I snapped my head away. My cheeks flushed when I realized I had been staring at him. I was always so freaking strange. I only wanted to be normal, but when I did weird shit like that, there was no way it was a possibility.
I put all my energy for almost the next two hours into staring at Rikert. He really was amazing out there. It was no wonder to me that he was captain, and it was almost like he was born to be a forward. The way he ruled the field brought a stupid grin to my face.
I’m not saying he didn’t make mistakes or anything, because this is real life. He lost the ball a lot and he fell just as often as the other guys on both teams did. But he was a great sport and an equally good player. He scored two of the three goals against the other team.
Our school did end up winning, but that had more to do with our defenders and Jaxon. Rikert hadn’t been joking last weekend when he said Jaxon was good at being goalie. It was like he had reflexes better than a cat. He only let one goal through and that barely even made it past the tips of his fingers.
I did notice that Kieran was at the game with Drew and his friends, but I tried not to sulk about it. He still wasn’t talking to me and I was too scared to try and reach out to him. The longer I thought about what I said to him, the more worried I got. He had been a good friend to me, I was starting to realize. And I just threw him away because he was making things difficult for me. Kieran was stubborn. He wouldn’t forgive me easily, and I knew he hadn’t been joking when he said he was done with me for being with Rikert. Either way it still stung that he could give up on me like that.
While the crowd was still buzzing and music was playing over the loudspeakers, I made my way down to the fence opening with my cousins to where the team exited the field. I watched as Aria skipped ahead and threw herself at Jaxon. He was all smiles as he grabbed the back of Aria’s thighs to haul her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck as they started to hug and kiss.
I walked next to Patrick, and Phoebe was trailing behind moodily, as we headed towards Aria and her boyfriend. I rolled my eyes happily at the two until Rikert ran up to me. He grabbed my arm and spun me around, our lips crashing against each others right away. We kissed for a few moments until we heard a throat clearing.
I pulled back but Rikert pulled me to his chest in a tight hug. I smiled at the contact. Patrick was looking at us, shifting from foot to foot with an uncomfortable expression on his face. Phoebe was glaring daggers at me and I thought I might start bleeding out from the stabs she was mentally placing on my body.
“Did you guys have fun watching the game?” Rikert asked everyone.
Phoebe crossed her arms and Aria and Jaxon walked over, hand-in-hand. I could almost throw up at how cute they looked together.
“Yeah, you guys did great,” Patrick offered. Aria nodded her head in agreement and Jaxon kissed her on the cheek.
I squeezed Rikert tighter and pressed my cheek against his chest over his Jersey. He was all sweaty and dirty from playing in the game, but I had never loved him more. I had never seen him look so incredibly sexy. It was all I could do not to beg him to take me out tonight. But I couldn’t do that because everybody was going to be at mine and Patrick’s house tonight for my uncle Scott’s birthday dinner.
“Congratulations, babe,” I told my boyfriend.
Rikert grinned down at me. The six of us talked for a few minutes before Jaxon ran off to shower. He was shortly followed by Rikert, who kissed me and promised to call me tomorrow. I ignored the suffocating feeling of separation and turned my attention to walking back to the parking lot with the others.
I slid into the backseat next to a scarily-stoic Phoebe while the other two got into the front seats. It took a little bit to get out of the traffic jam that the parking lot had turned into following the end of a game, but then we were making the short drive home.
I was the last to walk into the house through the front door. Everybody was calling greetings and asking questions from across the house. I said my own hellos to everyone and a happy birthday to Scott before excusing myself to go to my room for a minute.
No sooner had I walked into my closet to change my clothes out for a baggy, long-sleeved shirt and a pair of sweatpants than did Phoebe walk into my room after me. I hadn’t seen or heard her, but when I turned my shirtless and boxer-clad self around to go grab my pants, she was standing there with a clenched jaw, angry eyes, and crossed arms.
I jumped back a foot or so from the sudden shock of seeing her there. I was embarrassed to admit that I even let out a pathetically-girly shriek as well.
It only took me all of three seconds of looking at her to realize that this wasn’t right. And not because she was clearly going to scream at me for something, but because even though being in your underpants wasn’t that weird, I felt exposed. The huge bruises that I had accumulated on my knees and legs were obvious and then the cluster of small ones on my wrists that I usually kept covered weren’t that inconspicuous either.
“Shit, Phoebe,” I said, nearly in panic-mode as I scrambled to put my clothes on.
“You are so damn unbelievable,” Phoebe started out with. I looked at her in confusion as I finished pulling on my clothes. “How could you do this to me?”
Her tone was so demanding but I couldn’t understand what she was getting at. My brows creased deeply as I looked back at her. “Phoebe, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t even ‘Phoebe’ me,” she snapped. “I knew you were stupid, but I had no idea you were this dumb.”
I blinked at her in shock. “W-what?”
“You know, I bet he doesn’t even like you. He pities you, and that’s all. And you’re probably just as fucking slutty as Kieran can be, maybe even worse. I swear that’s the only thing he wants you for.”
With those words from my little brunette cousin that I had once liked so much, I felt like I had been slapped in the face harder than when Rikert had done it. My throat grew thick with tears when I put the pieces together that she was talking about Rikert and me.
“You’re so pathetic, Caise, that it’s annoying,” she continued. Her hands were flying in anger and I stumbled back, the movements startling me more than her words at this point. “You follow him around and it’s clear to everyone in the world that he could care less about you.”
My heart wrenched and my hands started to shake as much as my bottom lip was. “Phoebe, please don’t--” I feebly tried to say.
The younger girl glared at me. “I’m only telling you the truth. The sooner you get it through your head, the better. Because no one wants you and they never will. You’re an asshole and you’re just freaking sad.” She paused and paced a few steps in front of me. “God, do you even know how much I like him?”
My jaw dropped at her last question, but she never gave me a chance to say anything. She just kept rambling on, yelling and cursing at me. I don’t even know at what point the tears started to fall, but I noticed that my cheeks were wet from them.
“I’ve had my eyes on Rikert Evitts for the last four years, Caise! And then you just swoop in and take him!” Phoebe cried angrily. “He wasn’t even gay. You ruined it, though. You ruined everything like you always do! It’s no wonder you never told anyone who you were dating. Because he’s ashamed of you. And who could even blame him?”
Her words were cold enough to make my blood freeze. I started to sway on the spot, feeling abruptly sick to my stomach. My head was growing fuzzy and I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die.
The door burst open and Patrick came rushing into the room. He stared at the two of us in horror. “Phoebe, what the fuck are you doing?” he yelled, walking hastily over to me.
Phoebe scoffed as if she were being scolded for no good reason. “I was simply having a conversation with--”
“No you weren’t,” Patrick snapped furiously. He grabbed my arms and pulled me over to the bed to sit me down. I felt numb and I knew I was still crying. “I heard everything you were saying to him. He doesn’t deserve this shit just because you’re jealous. Newsflash, Phoebe, you’re not a princess and Rikert doesn’t even know you exist.”
“Fuck off,” the younger girl yelled. “I don’t get why everybody treats him like he’s so fragile. Just because he’s such a baby, doesn’t mean he should get special treatment!”
Patrick stood up and walked closer to her. I dropped my head into my hands, trying to stop the tears with the cuffs of my sleeves.
“He doesn’t get special treatment,” Patrick argued. “You’re acting like a totally psychotic bitch. Can’t you see how much you’re hurting him? Caise can be with whoever the hell he wants. You need to suck it up and leave him alone.”
“What in the world is going on in here?” Arias voice rang out.
“Caise’s a little bastard!” Phoebe yelled.
I pressed my hands harder into my eyes, trying to block everything out. I was sobbing quietly and my head was pounding. My stomach felt queasier than ever.
“Oh my God,” Aria whined. “This can’t seriously be about him dating Rikert. Is it?”
“Hell yes it is,” Phoebe said defensively.
“Grow up,” Aria snapped at her little sister. “Rikert has no idea who you are. Let Caise have him, for fuck’s sake.”
“That’s what I said,” Patrick agreed. “There is absolutely no reason you should ever behave like this, Phoebe. He’s family and he didn’t know you like him. They’re happy together and you don’t get any say in the matter. Aria, get her out of here now before I slap her.”
They started yelling and arguing some more and I heard scuffling before the door slammed shut. I heard the sound of knees hitting the ground and Patrick grabbed my hands. I fought with him for all of two seconds before I gave up. I had no strength left anyway.
I was shaking. My whole body was trembling and I tried my hardest to stop crying. I had no idea how many times Patrick was going to have to do this, but at this point it seemed like it would never end. Every time I had a breakdown lately, it was like he was right there to pick up the pieces.
“Shhh,” he soothed, trying to be loud enough so I could hear him over my own sobs. “Caise, you need to calm down. Everything’s okay, alright? Phoebe’s just being a brat.”
Another wave of sobs tore through me and my hands shook violently in Patricks. He moved his hold down to my wrists and kept me from pulling away from him. I felt his fingers tighten around the bruises I already had, and I winced through the tears. Of course, Patrick had no idea about that. He just thought I was crying about everything Phoebe had said to me. Which was also true.
Patrick got to his feet and pulled me up, against my will, so he could hug me. He kept talking to me, trying to get me to be quiet. I didn’t deserve any of this. If what they’d been saying were true, I had stolen Rikert away from Phoebe. But I knew for a fact that Rikert didn’t want any girl. So it wasn’t like I’d done anything wrong.
“She’s only jealous,” Patrick muttered, mirroring my thoughts. “Phoebe’s always liked him. But it’s no excuse. He’s never talked to her before and he’s gay. You being with him is none of her business.”
“But if I’d known..,” I cried between deep breaths.
“No,” Patrick objected, squeezing me tighter as he swayed us back and forth. “Stop that, he’s your boyfriend. You don’t have to give him up for anyone. It’s nobody’s business but yours.”
We carried on like that for the longest time. I cried all over his shirt, and he told me things to make me feel better. It was the weirdest thing ever. Patrick had been so awful to me ever since I got here. But when he found me crying, it was like he was a different person; he was a great person, and I was so thankful for it. If it weren’t for his comforting me those times, I don’t think I would have been able to keep it together this long.
Patrick left me alone after ten minutes or something to go change his shirt. I went to my bathroom and attempted to put myself back together. I wiped my face off and blew my nose. Patrick leaned against the doorframe while I fixed myself up. It was silent for a while until I thought most of the puffiness and redness of my eyes was gone.
“Good?” I asked him, finally turning to face him. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. Instead, I settled for looking at his nose and the light dusting of freckles across it.
“Yeah, you’re good,” Patrick said softly.
I saw his lips move up into a small, sad smile. He wasn’t moving, so I went to walk past him. It had been nearly a half hour since we’d gotten home and even if the adults hadn’t heard all the screaming, they’d still be wondering where we were.
Patrick grabbed my wrist gently. This time it wasn’t enough to press into my bruises and I was relieved by that. I stopped immediately and stared at the ground, waiting for him to say something.
“Look, you don’t honestly believe anything Phoebe said, right?” I didn’t respond. He sighed. “Because it’s all bullshit. She gets mad and says stupid crap all the time that isn’t true. You just have to ignore her, though.”
I nodded. “I got it.”
“I mean it, Caise,” Patrick insisted. “You’re a...good kid. Don’t listen to her. Or anyone else, really.”
“Right,” I whispered quietly.
I didn’t mean it, though. Phoebe may be wrong about Rikert’s feelings towards me--because I knew he loved me--but she wasn’t completely spewing lies. I was difficult and annoying and a baby. So I think that’s what made it so hard to hear. I knew half of it was true. It was like hearing Eryn yell at me over Skype all over again.
Patrick seemed to be satisfied enough--even though I know he didn’t believe me--that he let the subject drop and led the way upstairs. I walked slow and tried to keep my head down. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. I didn’t want to mess anything else up. I just wanted things to be okay and to keep a low profile. Maybe if I started being more quiet and keeping to myself, it would work out. I was desperate for something to work, so I clung to that idea and went with it.