When I was little, I used to often watch the stars. I used to think I was a giant whilst they were so tiny, I didn't realize they were simply far. Like danger, stars seem little when they're far. I think that's why people admire beautiful things from a distance, most of the things lose their charm when they get too close.
Take a pretty girl or a handsome guy, you want to flirt with them but you're scared, so you may happen to look at them when you see them around but never actually speak to them.
Or an ant. Ants aren't scary, they aren't ugly, but if you look at them with a magnifier, they will look enormous. Resulting in you feeling tiny and them looking like some monstrous creature intentioned to eat you alive.
Right now, though, stars didn't captivate me. They didn't have that magnetic fascination that used to draw me in, in the first place.
It was as though they were nothing more than celestial bodies now. That was it, I didn't know if I would ever be able to see things like I used to, by now the only thing I saw was the cold, hard truth, the facts.
"Lynn, are you in here?" Patty asked, laughing a little, as he tapped on my shoulder. I broke out of my gaze and turned to him.
"Uh, yeah. What's up?"
"Gurl, you're at a bonfire, loosen up!" He replied with a wide smile.
"Right, sorry, I zoned out." I forced out a chuckle.
"Yeah, I figured." He shook his head and laughed, then turned back to the others. The idea of a bonfire wasn't bad. It was as if the guys were trying to make me feel more comfortable day by day: Yesterday they brought me to the beach, and today they decided to go camping in the countryside. It was nice of them.
This area was property of Cassadee's family, so we started a bonfire too. It was quite chilly outside, but that didn't necessarily bother me. However, the fire kept us all warm enough.
Everyone was currently listening to Cassadee's horror story which was anything but frightening. It was about some kid buying ice cream from Satan without knowing, it was almost funny.
"...So the devil said: 'Now your soul will rest in this ice cream and whoever decides to eat it, will be haunted'. The end!" Cassadee finished with a smile.
"That was the worst story I've ever heard." Pat stated with a shocked face.
"Ice cream, seriously? Where the hell did you take this?" Patty was trying to hold back from laughter but boy, was it hard.
"Okay, Cass, I'm really easy to scare, but this was simply ridiculous." Alison didn't even try to hold back. Cassadee mumbled something in an attempt to mock her, but that only caused more laughter.
"Guys, I actually have a better story." Pat spoke. "Okay, once upon a time..."
"You can't start a horror story like that! It sounds like a fairy tale!" Cassadee protested.
"Says the one who literally told a story about Satan and the ice cream kid." he responded with a smirk. Cassadee rolled her eyes and huffed, crossing her arms towards her chest.
As Pat started telling his story, I noticed Alison got up and made her way to the wood I was sitting on, then she sat next to me.
"A penny for your thoughts?" She smiled cutely. I smiled back.
"I was listening to their stories, no big deal." I shrugged.
"Ha, I saw that."
"Saw what?"
"That you've been watching the sky half of the time." She smirked.
"Ah, that... I was just... admiring it." Alison looked up and stayed silent for a few seconds.
"I can't blame you." She said. I noticed the others weren't even paying the slightest attention to us, even Cassadee was more caught up into Pat's story than I thought she would be.
"One thing that kind of makes me feel better whenever I'm down is that we all look at the same sky." She stated, out of nowhere. I frowned.
"And why is that?"
"Two simple reasons. The first is, there's no difference between each human being. The second is, no matter where you are, you're never too far from whoever you're thinking about. Or at least, thinking this helps you believe it. It's comforting."
"You say that because your boyfriend is far from here." I replied, a bit bluntly.
"Maybe." She shrugged. "But keeping up this kind of thoughts is a great way of coping."
"Might be. But you're wrong on one thing, we're not all the same." I was referring partly to the Surgeons, who had been nothing but assholes the whole time, and partly to us Freaks. Especially to myself. I could never say I was like the other people, my humanity was long gone.
"I have to disagree with you. It's not about who you are, but who you want to be." She said, gaining my complete attention. "Life is a collection of choices, everyone gets to pick their own." I frowned.
"But there are things that just happen to you." I definitely did not choose to be the cavy for a top secret experiment nor to leave my family and friends behind and start this misadventure. Or adventure, depending on how you see it.
"Yeah, but you can choose how to react. Eventually, it's all up to you."
It's all up to you... that's possibly a problem. When an emotionless human is to make decisions, you don't know what could happen. Sure I act with more awareness and lucidity than whoever is influenced by emotions, but my lack of care towards bascally everything isn't a point in our favor. I shook my head and decided not to pressure myself too much.
"We told you. We're a team now." A smiling Alison raised her hand a little for me to high five it. I glanced at the others, who were occasionally squeaking in terror at the story. I looked back at Alison and a little smile played on my lips as I gave her my best high five.
"Wow, your hands are really cold!" Alison stated, holding my hand.
"They are?" I shrugged carelessly. I often have cold hands, maybe I just have a relatively weird body temperature.
"You know, they say those whose hands are cold own the warmest heart." Alison informed, smiling. She had a nice smile, it was kind of reassuring. I shook my head slightly.
"Negative." I sighed. "I told you. I don't have a heart." Alison didn't lose her smile, as though she was 100% certain of what she was saying.
"Everyone does."
"No, I don't. Trust me." I replied. She chuckled and shook her head. Wait, why was she laughing? Did I say something funny?
"What you're saying is a little bumming. I think you deserve to believe that you do have feelings just like everyone else, we're all humans."
"Well, you're living in a fairy tale if you think everyone is good and emotional. People like me can't feel anything. Like I said, I'm heartless." I shrugged and laid back down, with a blank expression. She looked down at me in amusement.
"You'll realize I'm right, sooner or later." She sung.
"Don't count your chickens before the eggs have hatched." I replied. She chuckled and shook her head again.
"Lynn, If you don't feel anything, it's not because you're emotionless. You do have a heart." She said. "You just need to search better."
Did I? Did I really have emotion, deep inside me? Did I just need to dig deeper? I don't think so. But it would be nice to think that way.
"Everyone has feelings, you know? Even the toughest person on the Earth can be hurt. Even the most careless person can be disappointed. And even the most scarred person can find happiness." I was mesmerized by her speech, but on the other hand it wasn't very realistic.
It's more like one of those things you say to kids to make them reach a goal, giving them a little push.
I guess some people clinged to hope to get over what they didn't like about life. It should be easier like that, but how forceful. To me, it was different. I wasn't gaining hope, but I was getting awareness.
I've learned that my actions weren't pointless. Nothing is ever pointless because everything gets to a finishing line eventually, everything gets to an end, to a goal. Whether it's bad or not, everything has a point.
And people are meant to have feelings. Emotion is something that needs to exist, or else the whole world would drive insane and by then 'pointless' will have a real meaning. If everyone was careless, good people wouldn't exist anymore. Which makes me wonder, what's the point in being good? You can just mind your own business. Although if we see it like that, there's no point in life either.
In a nutshell, if we live without a care, without a goal, we're just wandering souls heading for nothing, and we'd better not exist at all.
That's another reason why I really wanted to take back what was rightfully mine. My own soul was torn from my hands and I wanted to feel angry, I wanted it so bad, I wanted to let the madness take over, but I couldn't. Before the experiment, I was one to cross a bridge when I came to it, but now I was a planner and I was growing conscious of what to do next and when it was best to do it.
I shut my eyes for a second as Alison started talking to the others.
Tay, can you hear me?, I thought.
Yes, sir, I heard Tay's voice reply sarcastically in the back of my mind, about ten seconds later. I supposed Josh was helping her send me messages right now.
Tomorrow is the day. You all better be ready, I thought.
Your wish is my command.
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A/N: First of all, I'm truly sorry that I haven't updated in ages.
Second of all, I don't know when the next update will be, probably soon. But anyway, shit's about to get real.
Also, it's Hayley Williams' birthday, we can all be emotional together over that kid growing up so fast.