It was two days before Cody sent me a message. Surprisingly, no one had bothered me since that night. Martha came into my room looking pale. Lucy was with her, her usually clear blue eyes were cloudy and red-rimmed. I could tell they had both been crying which made me feel even more ashamed.
"Cody says you are to go to the meeting room." she told me.
Her voice was cold and distant, something I had never heard in it before.
When in my life had my role as a spectator failed? When had I become a participant, a player in the world's game? I thought I had escaped from it, but I hadn't. I hadn't even been on the sidelines, and now I was as active a player in this game as Cody.
"Martha, wait." I told her as she turned around. Her little daughter froze and looked up at me, fear in her eyes.
"I didn't want to kill her. I had too, to protect her sister. She wanted me too." I pleaded, trying to make her understand.
"She wanted you to murder her." Martha said flatly. "And how, pray, do you know that? Perhaps she told you, her last words maybe."
My hands clenched together as if imagining themselves clutching Ash's letter. Don't tell anyone about it, not even Martha.
Not even Martha.
What could I do?
"She told me before..."
"Before." Martha said, her voice still flat. Still cold. "But you would have killed her anyways, even if she had begged and pleaded you not too, wouldn't you? You would have killed your best friend. You did kill your best friend."
"I couldn't help it!" I cried. "He was going to kill my family, he would've killed her sister! What would you have done?" It wasn't an accusation, it was a true question.
"I would have killed Cody right then and there if I had your strength and abilities. Ash was like my own daughter, I wouldn't have killed her to save my own hide."
"Stop it!" I shouted. I covered my ears with my hands. "Stop it!"
"That's how it is, child. Whatever actions you do, you have to accept full responsibility for them and you have to take whatever punishment that goes with it."
I turned around so I wouldn't have to look at her. She left the room quickly after that, as if everything down to my very shadow was a danger to her and her child's life.
"I had to do it." I repeated to myself. "She wanted me too. I had too."
Ash, I'm so sorry.
I straightened up and tried to compose myself. She would have told me to go to the meeting room so I could make myself look obedient, make myself look like anything but a liability, a threat. Nothing could interfere with Ash's plan.
I walked there in a hurry. The walk allowed me to empty myself. I had walked these paths before, always in a state of numbness, always trying not to feel. This was no different.
When I got there, I found Andy and Cody both sitting and talking. I hadn't expected it to be any fuller. They both looked up at me as I entered.
"You wanted to see me." I said. My voice sounded dead, but I guess that was better than tortured.
"Yes." Cody said, all business. "We're going to be gone for a bit. Andy found a new talent and we are going to go collect the new recruit. While I'm gone I want you to continue training even though Ash is gone. Understand?"
I nodded.
"Good job on your assignment." Andy told me with a small half smile.
"Thanks." I told him automatically, the words coming out slightly sarcastic. "Can I go?"
Cody's lips twitched slightly as if amused by my clipped answers but he nodded and I turned on my heel and left the room, going back to the sanctuary I had just come from. Unfortunately the person in my room quickly made me wish I had gone anywhere else. We simply stood there for a moment, looking at each other.
"How you holding up?" he finally asked.
I snorted at the stupid question. "How do you think?"
"I'm proud of you."
I raised my eyes in disbelief. "I didn't handle it very well. I cried like a goddamn baby after."
Zach shrugged, "But you carried through with it. Cody didn't have to come finish up the job for you."
"I wish I hadn't." I whispered, but he still heard me.
"Why?" he laughed. "I'm actually a bit jealous of you, I wish I was the one who was finally able to finish that bitch off. Cody should've killed her years ago."
"She taught you, how you can you say that?"
"She wasn't made for war." Zach shrugged.
"And I was." I asked him flatly.
Zach gave a small smirk and I scowled at him. He began to stalk forward and I backed away from him, suppressing the urge to bash his head in as I found myself backed into the wall. Zach placed his hands on either side of my head and leaned forward.
"Tell me you didn't love the rush that came with plunging your dagger in her. The adrenaline rush, the blood pumping through your veins. Tell me you didn't love that feeling."
I opened my mouth to protest, but his words brought me up short as I remembered the moment again. Under the grief and guilt I had felt at the moment I hadn't been able to fully realize it, but had I loved the rush? My eyes widened at the realization and I tried to struggle out of Zach's grip but he just grabbed my wrists and kept them in a death grip over my head against the wall.
"Oh God, I'm monster. Someone should kill me!" At my hysterical words, Zach shuffled his hands so he was pinning both mine with only one hand, bringing the other down to stroke my cheek.
"Shh, you're not a monster, baby. You're fine, it's okay." he leaned down and kissed me, gently at first. The feel of his lips seemed to make me forget everything and some primal urge took ahold of me, and the kiss became more fierce. Somehow he managed to get us close to the bed and pushed me down on it, bending down to press kisses down the side of my neck, sucking and biting. I sucked in a shaky breath and with one hand grabbed a fistful of his hair and brought his face back to meet mine, kissing him urgently. I was so caught up in it that I hardly noticed his hands as they trailed down to the edge of my shirt until he tried to pull my shirt up. I quickly pushed his hands away and pushed him off of me.
"Zach!" I exclaimed sternly, glaring at him.
"You've seen me without my shirt on, it's only fair." Zach told me teasingly with a smirk, stepping forward to grab at my shirt again.
I pushed his hand away for a second time. "Zach, stop."
He groaned and stopped his hand's motion, but didn't remove it entirely.
"Why not, Elaine? You scared?" his raised his eyebrow as he looked daringly at me and I gritted my teeth, angry at him.
"I'm not ready." I told him firmly.
His eyes bored into mine with such intensity and I found myself slightly relaxing under his gaze. "I love you."
I blinked in surprise at him and opened my mouth in shock. Finally when I got my voice back I said the only think that I could think at the moment. "I'm still not ready."
Zach sighed and leaned down to kiss me quickly. "Fine, but remember you belong to me, Elaine. Just don't make me wait too long." And he got up and left my room.
I lay on my bed for a while, staring at the ceiling, trying to sort my emotions. It was right before I fell asleep that I finally processed what it was I was feeling; anger. Anger at them all for making me feel so helpless, for being so weak.
Screw them all. I thought bitterly.
Ash left me with a plan, and I was following through with it.
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sorry this one's kind of short, but there are some exciting new characters coming up in a few chapters! Be excited. Please comment, I really want to hear feedback! Thanks