Pretty dope.
That was the first thing I thought of when I walked inside the youth center where Halo volunteered at. I got the address from Milo. He was more cooperative than Brooklyn.
The place was cozy, all woodsy and homey. It looked like a huge mansion, but it really was some sorta rehab for troubled kids. I faintly wondered who sponsored this.
I waited by the information desk that was between two large staircases, while my eyes scanned more of the place. Honestly, it looked like a fucking rest house.
"Yes, young man?"
I turned around and saw a middle-aged black woman wearing a blue nurse's outfit. She carried a bunch of sheets, looking like she was on her way to the second floor.
"Hi, I'm looking for Halo Buckley," I replied.
No point beating around the bush.
She raised an eyebrow. "And you are?"
"Oz Lacy."
Her expression morphed into understanding. "Oh, she's in the recreational room. Just go straight through there, it's the door to your right," she added, pointing to the hall to my left. She smiled, and added, "Heard a lot about you."
I cocked my head in curiosity and opened my mouth, but she already turned her back on me before I could ask more. One thing was for sure, though.
Halo obviously talked about me. And it seemed to be good. Otherwise, the lady would have had my ass by now. Damn, I needed to find my girl.
I quickly headed to the recreational room, wasting no time. It was one of those rooms that had no doors, only a wide archway. I was about to enter when Halo suddenly walked out, almost bumping into me. I held her shoulders to keep her upright.
She blinked up at me in surprise.
My eyes raked her body and I noticed that she was wearing a white knitted sweater over a pink flowy dress that went below her knees. Her black hair was loosely braided to one side. She looked like a legit nerd from the 90s.
And I haven't seen her prettier.
"Oz!" she gasped.
I didn't realize how long it'd been since I've seen her beautiful purple eyes until they met mine. Sure, they weren't really warm and welcoming right now. But hey, I'd take what I could get.
God, I missed her.
"You remember my name," I said, not meaning it to come out as sarcastic.
She shook her head in disbelief. "Wha – What are you doing here?" she asked, before looking around as if to make sure we were at the right place and I wasn't lost.
I stepped forward. "I came here to talk."
She avoided my eyes. "I'm a little busy."
That was when I noticed that she was carrying a stack of thin notebooks.
"I see." I nodded. "Need some help with that?"
"No," she refused firmly.
She was so damn closed off. It was driving me fucking insane.
"You're still refusing to talk to me." It wasn't a question.
"I'm talking to you," she muttered, her eyes staying downward.
"You know what I mean."
She turned her face to the window now. I could tell she wanted me to get lost. But no way was I going the fuck away with her like this.
"Halo," I sighed.
She stayed quiet.
"Halo, come on."
Nothing.
I ran a hand through my hair, trying to calm my nerves. Was this how it was gonna be every time she was mad at me?
"Please?" I almost begged.
Still nada.
"We can't work shit out if you run every time you have a problem with me," I huffed, a bit frustrated. I was trying real hard not to let her see how her silence stressed me.
"I'm not running," she mumbled.
The worst thing was, she kept a collected face like a goddamn pokerface champ.
"Yeah, obviously," I countered.
She closed her eyes and shook her head.
"What do you want me to say?" she said quietly.
"That you'll talk to me," I replied, almost pleading. "Or at least, listen."
Her head tilted as she looked at me with sad eyes.
"That's all I've been doing, Oz. Listening."
I gaped at her for a second. Her words were like bullets shooting me right in the gut. I didn't expect to feel hurt. But I kept in mind that she must've been feeling it, too.
I frowned, absentmindedly licking my lips as I searched for the right words.
"Tell me what's on your mind, then," I urged. "Tell me if you think I'm being a fucking pumpkinhead or whatever. Just," I paused, raising my head and stepping back to take breath. When I looked at her again, I continued calmly, "Just speak your mind, baby."
She bit her lip as she stared at me with wide eyes. She was tearing up. As if waking up from a trance, she cleared her throat and glanced down the hall.
Shit. I knew that look. She wanted to escape.
"Don't run anymore, Halo," I said quietly.
Her eyes landed on me, and for a second I was surprised at how fierce they were.
"So what if I am?" she demanded. "That's what I do. I run. I need time to think things through and understand the situation from afar before I could face it head on." She shook her head and let out a breath. "I'm not like you, Oz."
My frown deepened as I waited for her to continue.
"I'm not brave enough to confront my problems right away," she shrugged. "And to be honest, I'd rather pretend it's not there." She looked down, hugging the notebooks to her chest like some kinda shield from me. "I'd rather pretend you bailed on tutoring me than you getting in detention with your ex-girlfriend."
I instinctively stepped forward, but she took a step back and shook her head. My jaw clenched, while my hands turned to fists.
"I'd rather pretend I don't see you starting to get confused with your feelings," she whispered, her voice shaking. She took a deep breath, and added, "I'd rather pretend . . . I'd rather pretend I'm the only one you see."
She looked so vulnerable that I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She looked broken. I couldn't accept the fact that I did that. I made her this way. Me and my dumb ass.
I really fucking wanted to wrap my arms around her so bad but I knew she would only pull away. I wasn't sure if I could handle that.
"Halo," I murmured.
I practiced what I was gonna say a million fucking times. But I was caught tongue-tied. Hearing her insecurities out loud like this was a goddamn punch in the gut.
I wasn't as brave as she thought I was. I ran away once from my problem. Just recently, in fact. But I didn't wanna add fuel to the fire so I kept my mouth shut about that.
Some things were better left unsaid.
"I have to return these," she finally said, sniffing slightly.
I nodded. "Go do your thing. I'll wait."
"Wait for what?" she asked, with a cute little frown.
"Wait for you," I said casually. "I'll take you home when you're done." I knew for a fact that Coach Buckley dropped her off here after church.
She bit her lip in worry.
Reading her face, I quickly assured her, "You don't have to talk to me for the whole ride. Just let me take you home."
Her eyes narrowed. "Why?"
"So I know you're safe," I answered simply.
"I can text you when I get home."
I shook my head. "Not taking that risk."
"Oz, I'm not a kid," she said patronizingly. "I'm capable of taking care of myself."
"Yeah," I shrugged, putting my hands inside my jeans pockets and cocking my head to the side as I looked at her. "But I wanna do it for you."
Her eyes softened. I was about to whoop in my head, thinking I had her right then. But her eyes suddenly widened in panic.
"Look away!" she demanded, shielding her eyes with the notebooks. "Not fair! You're totally using charmspeak on me!"
I covered my grin with a hand.
"Just – Just hang out in the recreational room in the meantime. And – And behave!"
With that, she dashed off. I watched as she disappeared around the corner. I was about to turn my head but then I caught her peeking. So I smiled and waved a hand at her, which made her shriek and hide.
I chuckled.
Still my adorkable Halo.
When I entered the room, a few heads turned to me. But they went back to what they were doing as if they didn't find me interesting enough.
As I walked, I checked out the place. There were lots of kids my age around. It was a mix of boys and girls. Some were playing foosball, others chess or board games.
I headed to the widescreen tv at the end of the room and saw that only one dude was watching on the sofa. He had a shoulder-length brown hair, and he was thin. He didn't bother looking at me, so I shrugged and decided to sit beside him.
It took about a second for me to realize that we were watching reruns of FRIENDS. Sweet. The episode was from the tenth season, I guessed. The one where Ross got a tan. It was a hilarious episode. Naturally, in five minutes, we were laughing our asses off. Classic.
"Man, Chandler always cracks me up," I chuckled.
"Joey's the funniest, though," argued the guy beside me.
I looked at him. "Are you kidding?" I scoffed in disbelief. "Without Chandler's sarcastic comebacks, the humor would be dead in that show."
"Meh," he said, not convinced. "Monica's obsession with everything is kinda funny."
I made a face. "Ugh, she reminds me of my sister. Trust me, it's not funny in real life."
It was like my older sister Diana aspired to be a dictator or something. It was such a pain growing up with her. At least, Annabelle was chill. Diana? No, every little thing had to be spot on perfect for her.
The dude beside me chuckled, and turned his head to face me for the first time.
"Depression or addiction?" he asked out of the blue.
I blinked, a bit taken aback. "What?"
"Why you're here," he explained. "Most are here 'cause they're suicidal." He studied me with piercing brown eyes. "But you don't have that lost look in your eyes, so I'm guessing addiction."
Whoa. Okay.
"Uh, no," I answered, scratching my temple. "I came here to see someone."
"Huh," he replied skeptically. "Visiting hours are over."
"She's a volunteer."
He visibly relaxed. "Ah," he said, turning back to the tv.
I let a moment pass, before asking, "What are you in for?"
He didn't answer right away. I could tell he was debating inwardly on whether or not he should open up to a stranger like me. But he must've realized I was a cool enough dude so he nodded once and smiled at me, though it didn't reach his eyes.
"Depression." He turned his head away. "Yep, I tried to kill myself."
Well, fuck. What do I say to that?
"That sucks."
See, I'm not exactly the man of awesome words.
"Life sucks," he shrugged.
"Gotta agree to that," I snorted.
I turned my attention back to the tv, but he spoke again.
"Ever got to the point where you just don't care anymore, about anything or anyone?"
I was about to answer yes, but I remembered that even during the lowest point in my life, a part of me still cared. Otherwise, I wouldn't have wanted revenge.
"No," I told him.
"I did," he said, his eyes looked far away. "I was left to wonder what my purpose here on this world was. But I came up short. I realized I didn't have an answer. So maybe I didn't have a purpose, that's what I thought. I lost it then – the will to live. I didn't care about my family, my friends. I just stopped fucking caring anymore." He raised his head and looked up at the ceiling. "Some people take their lives just to feel something. Did you know that?"
I shook my head. "No."
"I had it easy, though," he continued. Then, he nodded to the loner girl sitting by the window sill. "At least, I wasn't bullied to the point of wanting to kill myself just for it end."
I looked away, swallowing the lump in my throat. I could feel the guilt growing inside of me. I might not be the one who bullied the kid, but I might as well be. I was no better than the one who terrorized her.
"How 'bout you?"
I looked at him. "What about me?"
"You're around my age, so you must still be in high school, right?"
"Yeah," I admitted. "Senior."
"You look like you're one of those popular kids," he remarked. It didn't sound like a compliment either.
"Am I supposed to answer that?" I smirked, joking to keep things light.
He sighed, leaning his head on the back of the chair. "Must be nice to have girls flock you all the time."
The smirk slowly disappeared from my face. My eyes traveled down to my hands.
"Not the one that matters," I said quietly.
I could feel him staring at me.
"Huh. Who knew people like you suffered like the rest of us?"
You have no idea. Not just in the love department, too.
"You know, I have this theory." I leaned forward and placed my elbows on my knees. "We're all a bit fucked up inside. Some of us are just too damn good at hiding it."
"You suck at hiding it," he stated, giving me an are-you-serious look.
Man, this dude was totally roasting me. It was refreshing as hell, especially when it came from a scrawny looking guy like him.
"Am I?" I asked curiously.
He nodded. "Your eyes give it away."
"Damn," I smiled crookedly. "Secret's out, then."
"Actually, no." He scrutinized my face, leaning towards me probably for a better look and staring at me with wonder. "You don't bother hiding it, do you?"
He was good.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"Oz."
"Lacy?" he gasped, eyes widening. "I heard about you."
Who hasn't?
"I go to Mount Valley Private," he said. "Or went. I'm Rafe."
"Cool name. Rich kids are always the most fucked up ones."
He laughed. "You can say that again."
"So how are you dealing?"
"It gets better everyday," he shrugged. "Being around people who cares helps. They get it, especially the volunteers."
"How'd you know it's not bullshit?" I scoffed, with a raised eyebrow.
"'Cause they've been through it, too."
I froze. "You mean . . ."
He got what I was trying to say because he nodded.
"Yeah," he confirmed tonelessly.
I stared off to a distance, as if putting pieces of the puzzle together. Without meaning to, conversations from the past started to come back to me.
'Mom left us long before I could remember.'
My eyes narrowed as I remembered Halo's words.
'Dad died in Afghanistan when I was eleven.'
Nah, someone around that age wouldn't think of . . .
'Each of us have our own problems to deal with. It's all sucky just the same.'
I released a breath, as I leaned my back on the couch.
'There's more to life than just surviving.'
I got to my feet, my forehead creased.
"I need to go," I stated.
"Didn't scare you off, did I?" teased Rafe.
I shook my head. "Nah, I just need to check on somebody."
He only nodded, turning his eyes back to the tv. I turned to leave, but stopped. I looked back at him. At first glance, you wouldn't expect him to have experienced something heavy.
But that was the funny thing about covers. You'd think all was good and healthy on the outside until you open it and see the rotten insides.
"Hey, Rafe."
His eyes wandered to me. "Yeah?"
"Nice meeting you, man," I said truthfully.
He blinked, obviously not expecting me to say something like that. Then, a slow smile appeared on his face.
"You, too."
With that, I went off to find Halo.
It didn't take me long. I ran fast – and I asked some nurses passing by where she was. I found her in some staff room. It looked like the place where they planned the schedules and stuff because she was arranging the huge calendar by the window.
I still couldn't wrap my head around the fact that this amazing creature tried to . . . Damn, I couldn't even say it. There was no way it could be true, could it?
Halo finally turned her head, jumping in startle when she noticed me standing like a fucking weirdo by the doorway.
"Holy mother of bacon!" she exclaimed, clutching her chest.
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
"I thought you were hanging out in the recreational room?" she said, turning back to the calendar after she composed herself. "I saw you chatting with Rafe. He's a good guy."
He is. As are you. So why do good people try to commit horrid things?
She stopped what she was doing when I didn't answer. There must've been something on my face because she put down the pen she was holding and stared at me.
"Oz, what is it?"
I walked towards her until we were only a foot apart.
Clearing my throat to make sure my voice didn't crack, I said, "Rafe mentioned that the volunteers understand them most because they've been through the same thing."
Halo visibly tensed, only adding my concern.
"Is it . . . Did you . . ." I shut my eyes closed and rubbed my face. "Fuck, I can't say it."
I'm a wuss.
I'm a pussy-whipped wuss.
"I did," I heard her mumble.
I opened my eyes and trained them on her. She looked down for the longest minute, fiddling with her wristwatch.
"A month after my dad passed away," she started, before taking off her watch.
I caught sight of something there. A scar, maybe? Confirming my thoughts, she traced her forefinger on the mark. I stood there, speechless as fucking hell.
"I did this to myself," she murmured. Staring at the healed scar, she shook her head. "I don't want someone to feel as alone as I once did. I want to help people see that there's so much more out there to live for, if only we cared enough to look."
'There's more to life than just surviving.'
"I'm looking," I told her, my eyes never leaving hers.
She gazed back at me. And for the first time since I've met her, I saw that there was a hint of fear in her eyes. I didn't understand it. Was she scared of falling deeper in love with me? Was she scared that I might never feel the same way?
Before I could think more of it, she blinked and the fear was gone.
"You look like you're gonna smother me with cuddles," she said, amused.
The corner of my lips turned up. "I really fucking want to," I admitted. Then, I added seriously, "But we gotta talk first."
She looked curiously at me, before whispering, "Aren't we already doing that?"
"About Snow," I sighed.
"Oh," she replied, looking away.
I gently grabbed her chin to make her look at me. My fingertips tingled from the contact. It had been a while since I've been this close and touched her.
"You don't have to fell threatened by her," I assured Halo. "Yeah, we have history. But that's just it. History. She's my past."
Halo bit her lip.
"You are my present."
She looked at me with her Bambi-looking purple eyes.
"I'm sorry if I made you feel inadequate," I said, pained that she had to endure that. "I'm sorry that fucking Scout had to teach you how to spike instead of me."
I looked down, my tongue darting out to wet my bottom lip. My eyes returned to hers, and I suddenly knew exactly what I wanted to say.
"And I'm sorry if I didn't try hard enough to assure you how I feel about you. But trust me, I am fucking batshit crazy over you."
As if wanting to prove a point, I grabbed her wrist, traced the scar with my thumb, and brought it up to my lips.
"You're in every way perfect for me, dork," I whispered softly.
Halo pouted and sniffed. I looked up and saw that her nose was a little red. Just then, a tear rolled off her cheek.
"You're using charmspeak again," she complained.
I chuckled, reaching up a free hand to wipe the tear away.
"I'm not a son of Aphrodite," I said.
"You might as well be," she muttered.
I slightly tugged her hand. "Hey." I waited till she looked at me, before adding, "You should know I'm done with the payback. It's all over."
She blinked, confused.
"What?"
"That thing with McKinley was the finale," I explained.
"You did that?" she asked in shock. "You turned him over to the authorities?"
I shrugged nonchalantly. "I didn't have time to mess with him." I pinched her nose. "See, I had to hunt down my stubborn girlfriend who was intent on avoiding me."
She giggled, and I smiled.
Music to my ears.
"C'mere," I said, pulling her into a hug before she could say no. The moment I smelled her hair, I sighed. "I missed you." So fucking much.
"I missed you, too," she mumbled against my chest.
"No more running, alright?"
No answer.
"Halo?"
"I don't make promises I can't keep," she finally said.
I snorted. "At least, you're honest."
She burst out laughing.
"I'll just have to chase your ass down, then," I shrugged, as if it was no biggie.
"What if you get tired of chasing after me?" she asked. I could hear the clear worry in her voice. I didn't even think she bothered to hide it.
I hugged her tighter. "Don't worry. I have a solid motivation."
She pulled her face away to look at me.
"What?"
I grinned. "My view of your cute butt."
She laughed and playfully shoved my face, before burying her face on my chest again.
I loved how she was so warm and fitted against me perfectly. It reminded me of home. And just like that, it clicked. It suddenly made sense why I always longed for her.
She's my home.
_____________
HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!
This is my gift for y'all. A feel good chapter. LOL! Sorry if I've been MIA. Took a break from responsibilities for a bit. But now I'm baaaaack! Boo ya!
And can I just say how different writing Oz now is? I mean, before, he was all dark and dark and some more dark. But now, there's that kind of peaceful aura when I'm writing him. I dunno, is it just me?