alexis
You're just a little bit out of my limit
it's been two years now
haven't even seen the best of me
The people I'd come to call my best friends sing in unison, while the lead guitarist tried to catch my eye.
But my eyes are locked on Calum, and he is staring at the ground with more focus than I'd ever seen him have in school. I couldn't help myself, though I knew I shouldn't stare. I couldn't shift my gaze away from him, noticing the way his face expressed no emotion at all, not even sadness. It seemed he was empty inside, and his glassy eyes mirrored my own.
I shouldn't be looking at him, I shouldn't even be here. He doesn't deserve my attention, my pity. But maybe this grudge i've had against him should be loosened, at last.
It's been so goddamn long since I've hugged him.
I stare at him until it hurt too much, until i remember all of the times he told me he loved me, until the lump in my throat forms and my eyes water.
For a second, only for a second, I allow myself to want him. I picture myself running up to their pathetic makeshift stage and throwing my arms around him and forgetting anything ever happened between us. But acceptance is a hard task, especially when the thing you have to accept was the fact that the person you loved most in this world didn't feel the same about you.
Except that is a lie and I know it. Calum loved me, he loved me too much, in fact, same as I felt about him.
We were far too focused on each other to see how much the relationship was damaging us, how neither of us were individual people anymore. All we cared about was each other, and so we both lost touch with ourselves. When we were together, we put everything aside to be with each other, and for no reason. There were no dramatic circumstances trying to pull us apart, no midnight meetings on my balcony to discuss our feelings in the private of the moonlight.
No, we were two sleep deprived teenagers who put everything aside to be with each other.
It took Calum leaving me and the pain this caused me to realize how toxic our relationship was. To realize that it is not normal want to die when your boyfriend leaves you. You should be heartbroken, and sad but no way near depressed and suicidal. On the surface our relationship was beautiful. But on the inside we were dark and twisted and sad.
We were both too fucked up to notice anything was wrong.
I snap out of my daze and realize they're on their last song- they played only a few of their personal favorites, but it was still an amazing show. They are young and passionate and full to the brim of talent. This is the first time I've really seen them perform in front of an audience, and it's clearly where they are meant to be.
It is now that the recognition hits me that they are going to blow up. They were going to blow up and leave this town and tour the world. It's only a matter of time now.
I remember the look on Calum's face as he would sing to me, it was astonishing. He looked so happy- his eyes lighting up and his smile wide. It was the kind of smile that spread onto the faces of everyone around him. It was the kind of happy I'd always wished I had.
Suddenly, the pain in my chest overwhelms me, and my emotions seem to drown me. The night is too hot, because nights are not meant to be hot in the first place, and I'm sweating. The bass that Calum is playing is too loud, and Ashton's drumming is vibrating the soles of my shoes. Gram won't like this loud music, the noise will carry to our house and it'll prevent her from going to sleep early like she usually does.
I cant take it anymore, the space is tightening around me and I know I have to get out of here, whatever the consequence.
And so I run.
I burst past everyone, past the small crowd of Liz's friends, past my only friends in this world. I don't have to look at Calum to know that he's watching me go with a look of alarm on his face, nor do I have to look at Luke to know that he's confused. He's always confused when he's around me. He doesn't understand me, not that he should.
He doesn't understand that his best friend is the reason I am like this.
I run into the empty house, and into the first bathroom I see. My heart is pounding in my ears, and my face is red with the blood rushing towards it. Outside, I hear the music stop off beat, one instrument at a time, and I know it's only moments before Calum and Luke come chasing after me. I'm not even sure why Luke would bother though, only Calum will know what to do.
As I run through the house in search of an escape, I remember the words I once whispered to Calum in a time similar to this.
"Calm me down, baby. You're the only one who knows how."
...
calum
My mind is absent as we play our songs, these songs that I have written to express the heartbreak that I have inflicted on myself. My fingers strum my bass on rhythm and my voice sings at the right times, but I am not there.
If you asked me what song I was signing, I genuinely couldn't tell you.
I'm staring at the ground, watching my feet tap to a beat I don't recognize. But my heart is with Alexis, though I can't bring myself to look at her. I don't deserve to look at her. I don't deserve her.
A shadow flashed across my face and I look up for the first time in our performance. Lex is running past us, and into the house. My heart stops. It beats for her and only her.
I don't think about anything. I don't think about the fact that I am in a band and that people are relying on me to perform and that Luke is worried about me and is pissed at me for something he doesn't even know about. I don't think about the fact that all of my parent's friends are here, watching me with prideful eyes.
I don't think of anything except Alexis as I jump off of my stool and after her, midsong.
I hear Luke shout after me and Michael and Ashton continue playing as they don't understand what's happening. But I don't care about them, fuck them. They have no idea what it's like to be me, to live with this regret.
I run after Lex, shouting her name though I know she probably doesn't hear me. It's the same way I don't hear Luke calling my name, though I know he is. I run into the house, stopping to look left and right for her in each room I pass by. Finally, I come to the closed bathroom door. The light underneath the door stops halfway, and I know she's sitting against the door. She always sits that way in moments like this one.
Back and fourth, I debate wether or not to knock on the door. But my fingers find their way to the chipped paint and I rap softly on the door.
I guess old habits die hard.
"Alexis?" My voice is soft and scared as I call for her.
And then the door flies open and Lex is standing there, tears streaming down her beautiful face. My mouth opens to say something, anything, but then her arms wrap around me so tight I nearly can't breathe. But at the same time, I feel like i'm breathing for the first time in months.
Suddenly, i'm alive again.
"Alexis," I whisper softly into her hair, fumbling my hands as I try to pull her as close to me as I possibly can. I rock her back and fourth and lean my nose into the crook of her neck as she sobs into my chest.
"Calum," she breathes and my eyes return to glass. "Calum I missed you so much," She burrys her head into my chest and I hold her tighter than I've ever held her before.
I don't want to know what will happen when we leave this bathroom. There will be questions and ignorance and yelling and broken promises and I can't deal with those right now. I don't want to think about what I'll have to tell Ashton, or what I won't tell Luke. I don't want Liz to see that Lex was crying, or ask why I ruined her party.
And for the first time in seven months, I feel human again.
...
this chapter made my heart go all <3 <3 <3
i'm sorry this chapter took me like a good month and half to edit but if i'm being completely honest this book is one of my last priorities. but at the end of the day i love this book and i'm trying to finish it up for you guys.
thank you so much for sticking with me hehe
i printed my myt ticket today. i still love 5sos with all my heart, don't get me wrong. but i can't wait to go and remember why i started writing in the first place.
qotd: are you going to a myt show?
i love y'all.