A/N:
so, this fic hit 10K reads, and I cannot express how grateful I am.
oh wait, yes I can.
how?
by giving you an even longer chapter!!
for extreme immersion, lock yourself in a dark room and be alone. why?
that's what i did whilst writing this chapter? and what happened?
i made myself cry with my own writing. and i never cry at anything. so for the more emotional of you guys, you have been warned.
but thank you for all the incredible comments, and i hope you're having a nice christmas season so far!!
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Phil's POV
I hear a gentle tap on the door as I'm lying on the bed with my phone above my head. I'm looking through my camera roll, looking at every photo with Dan in it, as if I'm trying to conjour him up out of thin air.
"Hello?" comes a voice from outside the door.
"Come in."
I sit up and lock my phone as Chris, PJ and Sarah all troop in, all with the same worn expressions on their faces. Their shoulders drooped, their expressions clouded and lost. They looked like they had all been through a lot.
"We're sorry, Phil."
That was all it took.
That was all I needed.
That was all it took for tears to flood my eyes and dribble down my cheeks.
"Phi-"
"Can I be alone for a bit?" I ask, quickly.
I wasn't like me, I usually love other people's company and often struck up conversations with strangers in shops and cafes.
But now, in this hospital room, all I needed was to sit alone.
"Of course, Phil."
PJ and Sarah leave, but Chris stays behind to put my laptop on the table beside me. He then reaches into his pocket and pulls out my lion before placing it on the pillow behind me.
When he leaves, I wait for and count the seconds that pass before I know he's far down the corridor, and then I let everything go.
Every. Single. Thing.
Every feeling I have felt over the past days, all let out by me sobbing into my pillow and clutching it until my knuckles turn white. I sit up and repeatedly hit my head backwards on the bedstead behind me as the whimpers and tears all come flooding out.
I need Dan. Something of him, anything or him. I need it. I need to calm down.
Out of desperation, my heart drumming in my ears and the back of my head throbbing violently, I grab my laptop from the table beside me and flip open the lid. I need to see Dan's face.
My first choice I go to is to watch a YouTube video of us. Anything of us together. I move my mouse to click the safari icon, the mouse pad freezing under my warm fingers, but -
You have 1 new video message from Dan. Would you like to watch it?
What?
You have 1 new video message from Dan. Would you like to watch it?
I sit in silence, staring at the screen, my jaw dropped.
From... Dan?
You have 1 new video message from Dan. Would you like to watch it?
Yes.
My breath hitched when a blurry webcame image of... Dan?
Was that Dan?
God, he looked so different.
I mean, it was obviously him, but even through the bad webcam quality, I could see how tired, ill and upset he was. I could see he was on the verge of collapsing. His eyelids permanently drooped and his eyes sore and red. His hair was ruffled and in the hobbity state that I had always loved so much. The huge marks under his eyes seemed to stick out so much on his face... and his face was so much thinner and worn. Oh, Dan.
He was sat on his bed.
For the first few moments of the video, he was completely silent, just adjusting the camera so it was in the right place, so I could see his elbows resting on his crossed legs.
He began to talk.
Oh my god, his voice made me want to cry. He sounded so exhausted, his voice tired and cracked.
"Hello Ph-... Hey Phil... No, wait...
Hi Phil... Oh fuck it. I don't know how to fucking begin this."
I quickly whip round and grab the stuffed lion sat behind me and bring it to my mouth. I bite on it, stifling the sobs I so desperately want to let go.
"This is so pointless. You're not going to see this. I should probably address it to somebody to explain to them what happened to me... But I'll address this to you, Phil."
"Dan." I choke out.
"So, Phil. I have no idea what this will be. I haven't planned anything. I haven't got a script. Fuck that. This will just be a goodbye, to tell you everything before I go. It will probably be soppy as hell, so prepare yourself."
I almost smile.
"before I go..."
Oh, Dan.
"Don't get me wrong, Phil. This has been the best. I never told you this, but I assumed you already realised it... If you hadn't ever replied to my comments, if you hadn't bothered to decide to talk to me, if you didn't chat with me those extra hours on Skype... Who knows? My life would have been five and a half years shorter."
"Dan, please." I splutter into my lion, but I desperately blink away my tears in fear that they will blurr my vision of Dan.
"You know all those times I joked about not having any friends till I met you? Yeah. They were true. You were my first proper friend who didn't leave me or get tired of me, or beat me up. I never told you that. I wish I had, although you probably guessed from my lack of social skills."
My lips are almost pulled into a smile at this. But it's not enough.
"So, whenever you're sad, or angry, or lonely, remember that it was you who saved me, helped me, held me, watch me grow up, made me confident, made me a better person, experienced all these memories with me, smiled at me, told me to calm down or shut up when I waffled on for too long, let me cry on your shoulder, brought me soup when I was ill, the thousands of hours you spent with me, playing video games to cheer me up, struggled through my existential crisis' with me by drawing me things that made me happy, helped me become the person I am today. It's funny, though. Five or six years ago, if you had said to me that I would one day be a professional Youtuber with millions of subscribers, a radio presenter, be writing a book, planning a UK tour for next year, have my own merch website, and live in a flat in London with the most important person in my life, I would've laughed in your face. I would've laugh. In. Your. Face. And guess where I am now? Who do I owe it all to? You, Phil."
I whimper and sniff. I just wanted Dan to talk forever, to go on and on about whatever it was, anything and everything. I needed to hear his voice for as long as I could.
"But... I guess you could say that now, I'm making that all a waste of time by throwing it all away. Why? Phil, of course it was you who helped me and pulled me up from my pit of depression when we first met. But I wasn't always happy. I just needed to know if you were there. Because if you were there, I was safe from the bad parts of my head that eat away at all of my laughs and smiles. Fuck, that sounds weird."
I watch him as he holds his head in his hands, running them through his hair and sighing before speaking again.
"The point is... I need you to feel safe and protected. I spent many nights as a teenager, alone in my bedroom and alone full stop. Believe me, I've explored the depths of depression many times, and it is hell. But it's not like I was only with you because I needed you to help me feel safe, it's not like I was using you. I felt safe around you because I loved you. You were genuine, caring, selfless, undoubtedly the kindess person ever to exist. And although I often told you I hated it, I loved your taste in clothes, I loved the fact you adored bright colours, I loved that you were an animal person, I loved your colourful bedsheets, I loved your weird pink and blue underwear and your crazy pyjama bottoms. And I really really really loved your house plants."
"Dan, please don't..." I sob.
"Anyway, that's it. I need you to feel safe. You're not here and I feel more exposed than ever and I can't handle it without losing my sanity. That's it. You kept me sane and you kept me going. I couldn't ever face those screaming crowds of our audience alone when we went out. I just couldn't. I can't go back to a normal life, not without you. So, that's why I'm ending mine."
"Dan!" I gasp.
"Anyway..."
Dan sits in silence for a few moments, and I instantly worry that he'll finish, and that'll be the end. But, he was far from finishing talking.
"Phil. Let me think about the memories. The good ones, the millions of hilarious ones, some of the bad ones. I don't care. I just want to think back on this monumental past I have shared with you and everything in it."
And so he did.
Memory after memory, he told the story. It was incredible.
"Do you remember in Italy, when you ate that extra spicey garlic bread by mistake and you went completely red..."
"Do you remember after VidCon once when we both got lost and ended up in the female toilets..."
"Do you remember when you tried to stitch a hole up in your jeans and you poked me in the eye with a needle...
"Do you remember when we first started writing our book and you dropped your laptop down the stairs..."
"Do you remember when you accidentally called my mum 'grandad' by mistake last Christmas..."
"Do you remember when we visited that farm and that horse licked your ear..."
"Do you remember in Jamaica when I tried to get you to do the twenty-five foot cliff jump..."
"Do you remember your bright green drink in Japan..."
"Do you remember when we met Fall Out Boy and One Direction and we were both so nervous so we disguised by laughing hysterically..."
"Do you remember when you kissed me during a Radio Show and we thought the cameras had been pointing at us..."
"Do you remember when we were on BBC Breakfast and you tripped up the stairs and hit a producer in the back of the head..."
"Do you remember when we first met, Phil?"
Yes, yes, yes.
"We practically ran to each other and I almost sent you flying across the station from the force of my hug. I clung onto you so tightly and then let go thinking you thought I was a bit weird, but you didn't. You clung back.
I remember that day, it wasn't awkward at all! We always had conversation because we were so interested in each other and everything. It was, by far, the day that changed my life and made me realise how much I cared about you. But, it took me longer to accept the fact that I liked guys. But you helped me. Again."
"Do you remember our first kiss? Jesus, that sounds like a line out of the soppiest film ever. But, do you?"
Of course.
"It was... amazing. You really took me by surprise, though. I turned to you when we were at the very top of the Manchester Eye to point out that I could see your flat from there and then you just collided your face into mine, I guess. It was awkward and badly manoevuerd on your part, and that made it so much better."
He laughed, he sighed, he drifted off into daydreams at some points, he smiled, he frowned. Every tiny thing Dan expressed, I tried to put it into my heart and keep it all there forever.
He was talking for hours, although it felt like seconds that quickly slipped by and I felt as though I had to cling on for dear life. I had to cling onto Dan's life.
And then his voice changed, and I braced myself for the worst.
"Phil. Do you remember that conversation we had, years and years ago, about how we both wanted to die? It must have been a question from a Phil is not on Fire, or something. I can't remember. Anyway, we were discussing how we would both want to die and we both joked about Jurassic Park and snogging Moira Stewart. But then you said, "Really, Dan, how would you die if you could?" and I said I'd jump off a bridge. Yeah, well, I remembered that too."
"God, Dan, no!" I cry out, unable to control anything now.
"Well, I guess that's it. I'm not sure what this video message was for, and why I did it. I guess I just had things to get off my chest."
I sob loudly, clawing at the screen. No, please, Dan, no.
"So... Bye Phil. You've left your mark on this planet and that mark will be cherished by me and by all of the people who miss you. But I'm starting my journey to be with you again, Phil. This, in no way, shape or form, is the end. This is the beginning of something much happier. I'll see you soon. Bye, Phil."
The screen goes dark and automatically returns me to the home page of Skype. His voice rings through my head, and I squeeze my eyes shut in the vain hope to have Dan's voice in my head forever.
I feel alone. But now,
I know where I need to go.
...