September 21, 2011
The ice on my beer has completely melted by the time Batchi sat with me on the far end corner of the pub.
"Tagal mo," I said irritably as I opened another bottle of beer, one for her and another one for me.
"Pasensya na Tsong, biglaan ka kasi magyaya eh."
She took her jacket off and signaled the waiter for another bucket of ice, she linked her hands on top of the table in a very business-like manner and said, "spill."
"We fought."
"Trouble in paradise naman pala kaya nagyaya. Oh, bakit naman?"
"Sinundo ko kasi siya sa work," I said looking down, avoiding her eyes.
She gave me a confused look and took a swig from her drink, saying, "ano naman nakakagalit dun?"
"Because she told me not to, simula nung may pasok na as much as possible ayaw niyang inaabala niya ko sa pagsundo sakanya, may practice kasi kami dapat sa orchestra kanina kaya sabi niya siya na daw bahala umuwi."
"Yun lang?" she asked, bewildered.
I told Jade that practice was cancelled because the music room was not available tonight, that's why I was able to fetch her.
She didn't believe me.
What made matters worse is that she got a call yesterday from Gab saying that her father has been taking all his anger out on Paul. Instead of both of them, Paul's getting all the blame, that's why she's been in a really foul mood.
I was also having a bad day. We had a big argument in the car and now she's over at Cathleen's, probably doing the same thing I'm doing now with Batchi.
Put two women who's in a really foul mood together is indeed deadly.
"Parehong mainit lang siguro ulo namin kaya nagkasagutan," I excused.
Batchi stared at me intently while I was playing with my food— as if she's trying to read me.
"Tsong, hindi naman sa ano ha, pero kasi ilang buwan ka narin di nagpaparamdam samin tapos makikipagkita ka sakin bigla bigla ng dahil lang sa pareho kayong may PMS? Di naman ito ang first LQ niyo, diba? So tell me, ano ba talaga ang reason kung bakit mo ko pinapunta?"
Busted.
I sighed and took the stack of envelopes in my bag and handed it to Batchi.
My dirty little secret.
"I got the last one this morning," I explained.
She read page after page of my rejection letters from the universities, and for the first time in weeks, it felt like somebody's helping me to carry the weight on my shoulders.
"Anong nangyari? Kilala kita at alam ko kung gaano ka kagaling, imposibleng ni isa dito eh hindi ka tanggapin. What's really going on, Althea?"
Althea. She called me by my first name which means that she's not taking any bullshit excuse from me anymore. She means business.
"I got cut from the orchestra because I missed a lot of practices... and I got a failing grade," I said embarrassedly.
"And why were you not able to attend your practices? Dahil ba nagpupumilit kang maging mega personal assistant niya?"
I admit, I've failed to attend to my responsibilities because I always prioritize Jade first. I got so used to doing all those things for her that I started to neglect my studies.
Well, can you blame me? I just wanted to take care of her. She's been too busy taking care of her future that she has forgotten to take care of herself now. The girl hardly even eats or sleeps anymore.
I nodded my head in defeat.
"Kaya naman pala hindi naniniwala sa'yo kanina eh, kasi nagsisinungaling ka nga talaga. Wala daw practice yun naman pala tanggal ka na. Alam na ba ni Jade 'to?"
I saw the worry in her eyes and I held back the tears that's starting to escape from me, I said, "hindi pa Batchi, ayoko sabihin, this will break her heart."
"Pero Althea, matanong ko lang ha? Alam kong mahal mo si Jade, pero bakit ba napaka aligaga mong asikasuhin siya? Napaka responsable mong tao kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit umabot sa ganito."
"I just want to make sure that she eats on time and she gets home safe," I said.
Jade never asked me to bring her food or to pick her up all the time, she actually wants me to stop doing it. I'm the one who's hell bent on taking care of her.
Batchi shook her head and smirked at me, "toddler ba si Jade na kailangan mong sundan ng sundan? Yung totoo Althea, takot kang hindi siya makauwi o takot kang hindi na siya umuwi sainyo?"
As soon as she asked that, I couldn't stop the tears from escaping my eyes.
"Batchi, I could hear her cry every night. Ano nalang gagawin ko diba?" I painfully admitted.
Jade would lock herself inside the bathroom as soon as she thinks that I'm asleep. She thinks that I couldn't hear her muffled sobs, but I could, and it's haunting me every night.
She obviously doesn't want me to know about it, so I kept quiet. Little does she know that I cry with her too.
Batchi held my hand on top of the table, consoling me —waiting for me to stop crying.
"I feel so useless, nakikita kong hirap na hirap na siya at wala naman akong magawa. This is the least I could do for her after she sacrificed everything just to be with me. What if one day magising nalang siya at ma-realize niya na mali pala itong buhay na pinili niya? That I was the wrong choice?" I said as I wiped my tears away.
I couldn't bear the thought of that— of her regretting me. I want her to feel that she's not alone in this, that I could also give her a good life.
"Sabihin na natin na oo nga malinis ang bahay niyo paguwi niya, may nakahandang pagkain sakanya, hindi siya nahihirapan pumasok at umuwi, o tapos? Tignan mo ngayon nangyari, mukhang hindi ka pa makakasama sakanya."
"I know, Batch. Hindi lang kasi tugma schedule namin kaya hindi ko maiwasang mag cut noon."
"Sinisi pa ang schedule. Ang sabihin mo Althea, gaga ka lang talaga mainlove. Learn to prioritize, you focused too much on the little things that you've completely forgotten about the bigger picture. Pangarap niyo 'yan diba? Ano ka ngayon? Nga nga?" she said, lecturing me as she poured another glass of beer, gauging me to drink.
"I failed her, I know, that's why she can't know about this, Batchi. I don't want to give her any reason to regret me."
Her eyes softened and her reprimanding tone diminished as she said, "then don't give her any reason to. Ano ngayon plano mo?"
"I'd still go with her. I could look for a job there. She goes to school, I work. Parang switch roles lang kami. Para di narin siya mahirapan pa na maging working student dun."
"Okay, sabi mo 'yan. Mukha namang sure ka na at hindi papapigil sa plano mo. Payong kaibigan lang tsong ha... umayos ka. Ayusin mo sarili mo. Hindi ka mapapakain ng puro pag-ibig lang."
"At please lang Althea ha, wag mo naman itago lahat kay Jade," she added firmly.
I nodded.
I drove back to our building after we finished our drinks. It's pretty late and I'm sure that Jade has already fallen asleep. I went straight to the door below ours and knocked.
"Sorry if I woke you up, is she still there?" I asked when a tired looking Cathleen opened the door.
"It's okay, I'm not yet asleep. She's on the couch," she replied as she lets me enter her home.
She added, "she fell asleep crying... She looks too tired, Althea. I'm worried about her."
"I am too," I whispered as I made a bee line towards the couch. She looked too peaceful in her sleep that it almost feels like a sin to wake her up, but I have to.
"I'll leave you guys alone, just lock the door when you leave. I'll be in my room," Cathleen said as she marched her way to her bedroom.
"Love, wake up. Let's go home," I cooed as I showered her with butterfly kisses on her face. She loves it when I do that, it's her favorite thing to wake up to.
She slowly opened her eyes and looked at me warily.
"I'm sorry about awhile ago. I lied. I didn't attend the practice so that I could fetch you, I promise it won't happen again," I explained.
It was half true though, and I won't be breaking any promises since I won't be having any practices anymore.
She kissed me lightly and said, "okay, and I'm sorry too. I love you."
"I love you, too."
******
That was the first of the many tangled web of lies that I'm about to weave.
I didn't mean to lie or hide things from you, Jade.
I don't want to lie to you anymore.
And that is why I have to let you go.
Love,
Althea
Author's Note: Filler but not so much kilig feels. Sorry. :)