Chapter 22 ~ Tammy
Liam asks “what happened to you?” and my guts twist. The memories are fresh and horrible in my mind, playing before my eyes over and over again, making the pain feel real one more time. Seeing Ray like that, in that bed, bruised up, still asking for his father… that is too much for me to handle. I thought it was over, I thought my past was buried and that it was never going to come back to me. I thought I had finished with that part of my life.
But I was wrong.
And I’m so exhausted of fighting the memories, tired of being strong and worn-out of the loneliness. Janet knows some things, but not everything and I never tell her how I feel. The last time I told somehow how I felt, last time I spilled my heart to someone was too long ago that I can barely remember. But I do remember how well it made me to open up, for a while I felt so light.
But I’m so alone now… I have people around me, but I don’t trust them enough. I can’t go and talk about this to Emma, she would never understand. Skyler lacks empathy and Leanne is so happy-go-lucky that she would only try to cheer me up, and I just need someone to listen.
Liam wants to listen, he wants to know, he cares… as stupid as that is, he cares. He thinks I’m worth a fight and that is so new to me. No one before has thought of me like that, not even myself. Why does he think I’m worthy of his efforts? I have no idea, but right now… today… I’m grateful. He is here, holding me because I’m not strong enough to see Ray like this, to see his situation so familiar and painful to me.
Hugging myself tightly, with my finger buried in the flesh of my arms, probably leaving some bruises, I breathe deep and close my eyes, preparing myself to let go of those memories that torment me every time I let my walls down. Normally, I can raise them up again, but today I can’t. I try but I fail, so I better let go so I can be stronger.
“My parents never wanted me, I was a mistake and they always told me that. They loved each other, I guess because they are still together, but they didn’t love me,” I say in a low voice and I know I’m shaking, my whole body hurts with the memories, the flashbacks of those times. “And they never failed at reminding me that, how I was a fucking mistakes, how they never wanted me, how I ruined their plans.”
“Tammy,” Liam whispers and I hear him step closer, but I get away from him. I can’t bear him —or anyone— touching me right now.
“Just let me finish… you wanted to know, so please, just listen right now, or I’ll just shut up.” He doesn’t say anything, so I take that as an agreement. I take another deep breath because the worst part is coming. “They hated me. I know that. Mum… Dad, they hated me. I could see it in their eyes, in the way they always yelled at me, in the wait they hit me. Dad was—is still an alcoholic and every time he got drunk, I ended up beaten up, sometimes in the hospital, just like Ray.” I have to stop in that moment, seeing Ray in the bed and remembering of all those times I was just like him lying to the doctors, telling them I tripped over. “I got many broken bones because of him and I ended up unconscious many times as well. Mum never stopped him and she could hit me without having to be drunk, just because she had a bad day, just because she was frustrated with her life. I was their punching bag.”
I’m shaking harder, I can’t control it and I try to breathe deep, but it doesn’t help. And only for that reason, when Liam hugs me from behind, tightly in his arms, I don’t fight him. He buries his nose in my shoulder but he doesn’t say anything. I’m not finished.
“All my infancy, I was an abused child. I couldn’t make friends in school because I missed many days as I couldn’t move after a beating. I failed many times and I had to do again a whole year. I was always afraid, always waiting for a new beating because I knew it would come. I couldn’t stop that. They hated me so much… but I couldn’t hate them, and for that, I hated myself, too. I even believed I deserved to be treated like that.” My voice breaks and Liam hugs me harder and I appreciate he does that, because I’m so deep in my memories it almost feels like I’m there again, being beaten up for no reason at all. It hurts, my whole body hurts, all those broken bones hurt again, but when Liam hugs me like that… he reminds me I’m here, in the present, and that I left all that behind. “But I reached my limit one day, when a nurse told me they knew my parents hurt me, but I had to speak if I wanted them to help me. But I couldn’t do that to my parents and I knew that I would bring them problems sooner or later, so when I was fourteen… I left home. I ran away.”
I remember that day so clearly in my mind, how I came back from the hospital and my parents were not there, so I took a few of my things, put them in a backpack and ran, I ran without knowing where I was going, I just knew I had to put as much distance as possible. I couldn’t take it anymore. People knew they hated me, people knew I was worthless and my whole body couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t keep living like that. And if my parents hated me so much… it was the best to finally leave them.
“I lived in the streets then. At the beginning I was literally dying, I couldn’t find food nor a job, I was too young. The cold almost took me every night, and I thought I was going to die… but someone found me. Bruno, that was his name. He took me to some kind of shelter and helped me to recover. He thought me everything,” I smile at his memory, the only good thing in my life. “He taught me to play the guitar, to sing, to make money. I played the guitar in the streets to make some money and buy food, and I did that for a few years. I owe him where I am right now, because he told me I was talented, and I needed to share that. He told me I could make it in the world, that I couldn’t stay in the streets because that wasn’t my place. And because he told me that, and because I trusted him, because he was the only good thing in my life… I did it. I saved money and recorded a demo, and didn’t stop until I found Janet… or she found me, I don’t know. She told me she knew I could be a star and I had to go with her. And I did… she introduced me to the girls and that’s when Prodigy was born.” I finish, although there are parts I don’t share, parts that hurt in another level. “You know the rest. So if you ask me why I don’t trust people, why I’m the way I am, why I don’t want to talk about my past… now you know. When I started to do well, my parents found me. ‘You’re a good girl, you need to help us, Tammy,’ my mum told me. They only wanted to take advantage of the fame I was getting. They didn’t love me, they still hated me, but now they could see a use in me and that hurt me more than any beating when I was a child. I always wanted them to love me, just a bit, but they would never love me. I have to pay them, every fucking month so they won’t come back and sell my story to the magazines or anything. I have to bribe them!” I raise my voice, the anger filling my numb body this time. “How can I believe people would care for me or anyone in the world when I’ve seen this? When the people that are bond to love me and take care of me, hated me!” I shout and I’m so frustrated, so hurt again, that I push Liam and get away from him, rubbing my face roughly, wiping away all the bloody tears I can’t stop. “What can you expect from the world when you’ve lived like this? What can you expect from people?!”
“Something better,” he speaks for the first time since I told him to stay quiet and I turn around, glaring at him, hating him for saying that. How can he say that after all what I’ve told him? “When you’ve had it so bad, you can only expect something better because nothing can be as bad as that.”
“You’re an idiot!” I shout, clenching my fists. “How can I expect better when I’ve seen these things? I lived in the streets, Liam. I’ve seen things you’d never imagined, I’ve suffered like no one should suffer. Nothing lasts, nothing is good. No one is good! Nor even Bruno! Because no matter how much I asked him to stop, he wouldn’t leave the drugs. No matter how much I begged him to not leave me, because he was the only person who cared a little bit about me. But he didn’t care enough, because he couldn’t even try to leave the drugs. I LOST HIM FOR AN OVERDOSE! Bruno, the guy who saved my life, died because he didn’t care about his own life, because he was an addict. I saw him dying, in my arms and I was only sixteen!”
I’m crying again, this time the pain in my chest is paralysing and I can’t even breathe. It’s too much, too much. My parents, Bruno, all the things I saw, all the things I lived. I can’t take it anymore. My knees fail me and I hit the floor, and Liam runs to me but I push him away. He doesn’t know, he has no fucking clue of what this feels like.
“Don’t touch me!” I scream. “You don’t understand what it feels like, you don’t understand how much it hurts that you were never good for your fucking parents, that the person that you idolise doesn’t care enough about himself and leaves you. You don’t get it!” I cry out, my body hurts from shaking so much.
“No, I don’t. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like and I know saying I’m sorry it’s not enough, but I can imagine there’s nothing worse than what you lived, and yet, here you are. Helping others, being successful, sharing your talent. You made it,” he says softly, I can barely hear him over my sobs and he tries approaching to me again, but I can’t bear his touch. The same way I couldn’t bare the nurses and doctors touching me to examine me every time I ended in the hospital after being beaten up.
I’m not worth a fight, I’m just a mistake, a little girl that no one has loved, that has only known pain and sorrow. I’m not worth a soothing touch, I’m not worth sorry.
“I’m a mistake, I’m nothing but a worthless piece of shit. The only good thing I can do is playing and signing, it’s the only thing in which I’m acknowledged for, the only thing I do well. And I hold on to it with all my being. I don’t care if people hate me, I know they do, just like my parents still do. If they couldn’t love me, no one can. I don’t like compliments, because I don’t know what they are, because I never received one until I learnt how to play and because that’s the only good thing about myself,” I cry out, self-loathing choking me.
Normally I can fight these feelings, I can ignore them and pretend I’m fine. I can be strong and do the only thing I know how to do: playing. I hold on to the praises and the arrogance, because that’s all I have. I’m nothing but a girl who can play and sing well. If someone takes that away from me, I’m nothing. I don’t care if people hate me for who I am, for the things I do. I don’t want people to like me, because they will never like me, and hoping they will hurts the most. I just want them to recognise I have talent, that I can play and sing.
Today I’m broken again, like the little girl that ran away from home, crying and hating herself because her parents hated her, because she was a failure in life, because she was worthless. But that girl learnt to do something, and that’s all what keeps her alive now.
I don’t notice when Liam approaches this time and hugs me and I try to fight him, but I’m so weak, I don’t have the strengths to pull him away, so I surrender and I cry, I cry for the life I had, for the love I never got, for the people I’ve lost, for the things I’ll never get. I cry for all those times I fought the tears and I forced myself to be strong. I cry for everything, for being me.
Liam rocks me back and forwards, rubbing my back and stroking my hair, breathing in my ear and I only feel his warmth around me, but I’m cold to the bone. Dead cold.
“You’re not a mistake. You’re more than just a girl with a guitar, Tammy. You’re not worthless. Don’t believe that,” he whispers in my ear but I shake my head.
“I don’t believe it… I know it. I don’t want people to love me, because they will never love me… and that disappointment is too much for me, I can’t take it. I rather them hate me, because that’s what I know, that’s what is familiar to me. Don’t tell me I’m good, because I’m not.”
“Don’t say those things, please don’t say them,” he begs, his voice shaky as well, and he hugs me so tight it should hurt, but it only reminds me I’m alive… and despite everything, I like to be alive.
He doesn’t say anything else and I can’t open my mouth again, I can only cry. I cry and cry in his shoulder, holding on to him for dear life, the same way I hold on to my talent. He is a physical entity I can grab. I can’t touch my music, I can only feel it, but right now I need something substantial, and Liam is here, holding me.
“You’re more than what you think. Look what you do for those kids. Look how many people admire you. But you know what’s the most amazing thing about you, Tammy?” He pulls back only a few inches, his hands taking my face and he puts our foreheads together. “That despite everything, despite the unfairness of your childhood and the horrible things you lived… you made it. You’re here today. You left the streets, you left your family, you listened to Bruno and made it. You are a star today, Tammy. And even if no one knows it, you’re the brightest and most inspiring star I’ve ever seen. And I know you don’t believe it right now, but I do and you can’t change that.” He smiles at me, a little smile although he looks in pain as well, but that smile is cheeky, defying me to challenge him on this.
I can’t answer, I can’t believe in his words, but I appreciate them. I appreciate he doesn’t force me to believe in that, although I don’t understand how he can believe in those lies. But I appreciate the gesture, I appreciate the lie… just for today. So I hug him, I hug him tightly and keep on crying on his shoulder, letting him lull me until everything is black… until I fall asleep in his arms.
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Well, this is what you all wanted, to know Tammy's story. This is why she acts the way she does, why she is so unpredictable with her behaviour. I always told you there was a big reason for her to be like that. I hope you understand her better now. This is why I'm so protective over her and every time you attacked her, I felt like covering her ears and taking her away. I love Tammy... she deserves only love.
Dedication to @NicoleNazario. You deserve to be loved... always.
Bel, xx