We all have that one perfect moment, The one where everything that has happened was leading up to. But sometimes that moment doesn't stay perfect and it can be our undoing.
Luca’s POV.
I peel open my eyes. Looking around my bedroom, I see the differences, knowing that I have hidden the letters. Not knowing what the next one will say is driving me crazy. Only one of them has been different, but the others all the same. Reaching under the pillow, I pull out a stack of them. Bound together with a rubber band, they look very gloomy. Like a letter someone would receive from a crazed stalker. I guess in a way that’s what they are. Letters from a crazy stalker, that is. But I deserve these, I know that it’s what I have coming to me. I don’t deserve the good things I’ve been given in this life.
“Tesoro, come downstairs for breakfast please.” Nonnino says, peeking into my bedroom. I scramble to hide the letter in my hand.
“Come on now,” he says suspiciously. He looks tried, rubs his eyes and widens the door. I hesitate, trying to get away from this. Nothing comes to mind though, and so I pull back the covers and pad to the door. Smiling at me nonnino ushers me out the door and down to the kitchen. I remind myself to lock the door when I make it back up.
Nonnina walks out of their bedroom and smiles. “Ah tesoro, did you sleep well.” She breezes past me and makes her way down the stairs, singing under her breath. Everyone’s acting strangely. It’s strange, everyone is acting so happy. Well, nonnino and nonnina are. I am starting to feel like I am missing something. But for the life of me I can’t figure out what it could be. Is there something I’m missing? I wonder. Either that or I am in an alternate universe, which is plausible.
“Morning Luca,” Aria chirps as she breezes past me.
“Morning Pooh bear get some breakfast in you.”
I take the seat Dante offers to me. Frowning at the stack of pancakes on my plate, the thoughts of eating them makes my stomach lurch. Not wanting to upset them I stuff the pancakes in my mouth. Not even bothering to chew, swallowing large chunks of pancake. Everyone looks at me while I eat. It doesn’t make me uneasy. I don’t allow them to see the conflicting emotions going on in my head.
“Tesoro, slow down before you choke,” mamma scolds behind me. She places a glass of juice in front of me.
Please leave me alone. I don’t want you to worry, but I can’t tell you. I’m not going to live much longer and I don’t want you to blame yourselves. You need to believe me. I have hurt you all so much, it’s better if you let me go. Just let me go. It won’t be painful anymore. I love you all.
“Rose is coming back later; she has the whole crew with her now. So I want you to stay in your room Luca.” Dante’s voice hardens as he speaks; I look up and arch an eyebrow.
“I know you always go head first into these things, it’s something I admire about you. But I also know how badly they affect you. So I’m asking you to listen to me this once and stay out of sight.” I consider him for a minute, then take a piece of paper and write.
I’ll stay in my room as long as they don’t cause a fuss. If they do because they want me downstairs I’m coming down.
“Fine, you never listen to me anyway. Why start now.” Dante sighs. “You know, it’s nice that you want to protect us and stuff, but we’re the adults not you.”
Simply, I write. I’ve seen more horrors in my fifteen years, than you have in your twenty one years. Trust me when I say, it’s not something you want to see.
He pales, nodding; he slips the piece of paper in his pocket. “Fine, but please try to stay away, if you can.”
I finish off my plate and take the stairs one at a time, slowly moving up and listening to my family’s voices. Mamma and nonnina both sound distressed, nonnino just sounds resigned, like he’s given up hope of getting me back. It shouldn’t be a good thing, but it is. It always will be a good thing. Knowing they have given up hope of getting the child back, it will make their lives easier. I lock myself away from it all; the world in my room is my own. Staggering around the room, I gather what I need and enter my bathroom, closing the door firmly behind me.
The shower water runs, I leave it until its warm, knowing that someone else will want to use it. Taking a deep breath I step inside, letting the water splash down around me. My long hair gets heavy, making it harder to keep my head up. Fatigued, I rest back against the cold, solid shower wall and sign contentedly. Gliding the blade of the knife along my skin, I gently cut into the skin. Marking the contours of my torso, brushing past wounds old and new, feeling the tension and pressure leaving my body, it brings another sigh to my lips. I start cutting from there, slicing into pieces of skin. Watching, as the blood flows freely down my water soaked body.
I leave the shower eventually, walking into my room fully dressed, only to find nonnino sitting there. He looks up when I enter a rueful smile on his face. He pats the bed beside him, inviting me to sit. Slowly, I close the distance, making it obvious that I don’t want to get too close. His shoulders slump when I sit a distance away from him. Resignation obviously starting to set it, but it doesn’t make me feel good. It should. Knowing I’m finally doing the right thing should make me feel better, but I feel filthy. I feel like I did last year, and that is not how I wanted to feel, ever.
“I don’t know how I’m going to cope.” He finally says sadly. “They say no man should bury a child… I do agree with that, but no man should have to bury a grandchild either. Did your mamma ever tell you how you save me, when you were born?”
I shake my head, trying to recollect if she did say anything. But nothing springs to mind. “I was diagnosed with cancer. It was just before your mamma had you. At that time… Well, I did not want to fight. My life could end and I was sure it would not be a big loss. But then I see you that very first time,” he breaks off momentarily. “You really did save my life back then. I think you would think that it was no big thing, but going from ready to die to fighting is a very big thing, especially with cancer.”
I feel like someone has stomped on my heart. The fact I could have such a big impact on anyone is… surprising, yes, but it’s also leaving me with questions of my own. How can someone like me have such a big impact? I’m not special. Not the way they seem to think I am. It’s just… I’m a bad person. I’ve never had anything. Now the man I respect and love, more than almost anyone, is telling me that I am the reason he battled cancer and that I am the reason he is still alive today. Saying its information overload is an understatement. I’m not good for people, how can I be? Why is he saying all this? It can’t be true.
“You don’t believe me,” he says simply. “That’s fine. I do understand you might not want to. But know this tesoro; it is truer than you will know.”
I rub my hands together, uncomfortably. He notices and his eyes shoot straight down to my wrists. Luckily they are covered, but I would be stupid to think that he doesn’t know. He arches an eyebrow, and says nothing. For a second he holds out his hand. I look at the out reached hand and make no movement. His eyes plead with me, just like Dante’s had, he’s asking me to show him, to give him the chance to help me. Instead of doing what he asks, I simple clasp my hands together.
“Granddad,” Dante bellows up the stairs. “They’re here.”
Nonnino scowls at the door. “Do they have to call me that?” He wines. “Makes me sound like the other grandfather, is there a problem with using nonnino?”
He walks out of the room, talking to himself and stands at the top of the staircase. I stand behind him, listening as the voices get louder and louder. I can’t really tell how many people are down there. Rose’s voice is the most prevalent. I can hear her shouting, she’s getting angry again. Dante shouts. Aria and mamma say something loudly, not quite shouting yet. Nonnina, she makes the most noise, her voice makes nonnino jump. He places his hand over his fast heart.
“Get that faggot down here,” Rose shouts, “now!”
Nonnino shakes his head and I peek downstairs, Charlie, Abi, Ty and Caden are walking through the door. Abi’s face is red, Charlie looks slightly wary. Caden’s eyes catch mine; I lower my head, embarrassed and ashamed. Why can’t people be left out of this? Because this is what you do to people. You hurt them, make them lose something. You might have saved nonnino as a baby, but you were never innocent. Disgusting, maybe, but you are worthless. You can’t even do gay properly, you make it seem wrong. Filthy little pervert, that’s what they said. That’s what you are.
“Will you all stop shouting,” Charlie shouts snapping my attention back to them. “That poor boy can hear all this and he doesn’t need to hear you shouting.”
Robert’s voice comes through next. “I thought I told you to fuck off, this is none of your fuckin’ business. Go leave us to it.”
“Leave it alone Robert, we don’t want to hear your bullshit.” Dante sounds less than pleased; his voice is getting rougher, angrier.
Someone says something else, something I can’t quite hear, but then Robert says. “Michael would be disgusted by you. He raised you better than this boy; he didn’t raise a faggot enabler.”
Silence breaks through. I don’t hear anyone. No movement, not talking, not even breathing. I look to nonnino who’s gone as white as a sheet. Surprising, considering he’s the darkest tan of anyone in the famiglia. It’s hard to see him like this, like a man who is changing. He used to be the brightest, happiest man I knew. Now, though, he’s almost fading away, the life inside of him is slowly dying. Just like my life died, his is now following. It’s more of a tragedy than mine in this fucked up story.
“Luca, we need to go downstairs before something happens,” he hesitates, “I want… I want you to do your best to ignore them. These people are ruthless; they will do everything to destroy us. We cannot allow that happen, Luca. I won’t allow that to happen.”
I follow him slowly, and see them all standing around the living room. Mamma and nonnina are growling in a corner. Aria is lingering around Rose; she makes it obvious she wants her gone, more than obvious. I look up as I feel eyes bore into me and sure enough, John, my grandfather is glaring at me. Hatred burns in his eyes, making me shiver uncontrollably. The way he looks at me, for the briefest of moments makes bile rise in my throat, chocking me in the process. Nobody notices, much to my relief. Noticing would mean more questions and more questions would mean more revelations.
“Finally brave enough to show your face?” Rose sneers. “Do you see all the trouble you are? This has all been caused by you, and I think you know that too. Do you even care about all the trouble you have caused?”
Someone growls. I don’t turn around to look, but I can guess from the sound that Caden’s the one who did. Robert’s sharp gaze is fixed on me; Rose is looking at me like I will evaporate from that alone. John, well he looks like he’s doing his best to get rid of me, staring me out of it, making more than one thing clear. But no one knows what he did, so no one will notice. I look around, seeing that everyone is in their own position. Mamma and nonnina are moving closer to us, no longer growling in the corner.
“Boy, you better get this over with,” John finally mutters from his chair.
“Is there a purpose to this visit?” Dante asks in a tired voice. “Or are you just here to annoy us again.”
Rose glares at him, but doesn’t say anything about the way he spoke to her. “Well, we want this issue sorted and I know the only way to get things done is to face them head on. So I’m here seeing if,” she looks pointedly at me, “we can get rid of the problem. Without having to resort to desperate measures, but if that can’t be done, then I will resort to desperate measures.”
“You’re a nut job!” Caden exclaims, making nonnino chuckle beside me. Caden moves closer to me, I can feel his body heat it makes me shiver slightly. The tips of his fingers brushes against my sweatshirt covered arm, causing me to shiver again.
Rose scowls at him. “How many fags are in this town anyway? I’ve seen too many of them,” she scratches her arm. “It’s making my skin crawl.”
“Ya know momma, it’s not gonna get any better in the town. I’m gettin’ tired of ‘em,” Robert’s drawl is accentuated, making it harder for some in the room to understand him. He doesn’t normally speak with such a prominent accent, just when he’s doing something strenuous, or when he’s over excited.
Rose doesn’t answer him, she’s preoccupied with me. Her glare’s unwavering; she stalks forward and crowds me. “You filthy little faggot. I never wished a body dead before you were born, but from that moment on I knew the world would be a better place without a pervert like you in it.” I feel her spittle on my face, she’s drooling too. “If the lord wanted your kind on this planet he would make the things that you do acceptable.”
“Don’t you fucking talk to him like that, you fucking witch,” Caden snarls. “Get the fuck away from him.”
She turns on him. “You don’t tell me what to do, boy. I have been around a lot longer than you.”
“I don’t give a flying fuck,” he says venomously.
“You should care, I’m your elder. That means you should show me some respect.”
He scoffs at her. “I don’t show respect to homophobic bitches.”
Charlie and Dante interject, trying to calm them down. Nonnina looks at me, her eyes burning with anger; she softens slightly and then glares at Rose, again. I take a couple of steps back, trying to distance myself. An ache in my stomach gets worse, almost like my gut is telling me something bad will happen. But it can’t be anything to do with me. My plan isn’t bad, it’s the best thing. So, why do I feel like someone has punched me in the gut? I already feel like I miss them. I can’t let that stop me. Missing me will be better for them. It will mean they don’t have to worry anymore; they won’t have to suffer anymore.
“Dante,” John snaps. “Let your grandmother go. You might think you’re a man, boy, but you have a hell of a lot to learn.”
“Yeah, I might have a lot to learn, but at least I’m not a hypocrite. I think you should look a bit closer to home before you start calling Luca names.”
Please don’t say anything else. Remember we have people here, Dante. Please remember that before you start spouting off.
“I don’t know where you get all this from, but Dante, you better not speak to us like that again. Do you hear me?” The tension in the room is building. Caden turns and looks at me. My stomach drops when I see what’s there.
Love, love so pure and real that it makes me shiver, tears start welling in my eyes, making me unable to see clearly. But even with all that, through my teary haze, I can see the love shining brightly in his beautiful grey eyes. A sob threatens to escape, but I mask it with a cough. His lips turn down in a frown. I see the love fade slightly and pain appears in its place, causing me to feel guilty. I don’t want to be the reason for the pain, but I am.
Mamma stands in front of them all and whistles, turning everyone’s attention to her. “Okay, I am not going to have everyone brawling in my house. If you want to fight, take it outside.” She turns on Rose. “Now, I want you and your family out of my house. Now,” she says sternly.
“You cannot kick us out; we are here to see my grandchildren. It’s bad enough that you divorced Michael, and left us with a bad reputation, but now you won’t let us see our grandchildren? My son’s own flesh and blood,” Rose says the last part coolly, causing a shiver to run down my spine.
“As a matter of fact, I am.” Mamma replies. “You have caused my son so much pain. Your son has made our lives hell, and now you want to bring us down the rest of the way. Well, I’m not going to stand by and watch you take my son from me. Goddamn it, you have done more than enough damage and hell will freeze over before I let you do anymore. Now, get out of my house before I call the police.”
“No, I’m not leaving. You can call the police if you want, but then we will have a lot to talk about,” she smirks at us. “Won’t we?”
The colour drains from mamma’s face, making her look a tiny bit green. Her eyes widen and her breath comes out in harsh puffs. Smirking wider, Rose realises that she’s winning. It puts mamma in an impossible position. She has to choose between getting rid of Rose and exposing our hellish year. It’s a decision that will kill her, but I know she won’t let it come out, not like that. I know deep in my heart that she will protect us from all that. Just like she wishes she could have done with me. But sometimes we can’t protect the people we love. Even if that hurts us to admit, mamma realised that last year.
“Do you enjoy this?” Nonnina asks her tone harsh. “Do you like seeing people hurting because of you? Because of your son, I should say. I honestly don’t think I have ever met a woman quite as utterly despicable as you. And trust me; I have met a lot of women that were less than perfect.”
“Look at your grandson when you talk about someone hurting people. He hurt my family and yours.” Nonnina shakes her head at Rose, looking rather annoyed. “No, Rose, your son hurt our families, not Luca. Look at your son before you start saying these things.”
Rose glares at me again, knocking into Charlie as she squares up to nonnina. “No,” she screams. “Your grandson did that to my Michael, he wasn’t like that before your faggot grandson was born. That was Luca’s fault, not Michaels.”
“I think you need to open those eyes of yours. Luca, did nothing wrong. He is innocent. You do not seem to understand this, but he was a child, he is a child.”
Rose shoves nonnina, making her fall against the coffee table. “Okay, stop that, you need to hear a few home truths.” She pushes herself off the table, doing her best to stand straight, then brushes herself off. “Luca is not a bad person, he is a child. He is the child that makes me smile. The day he was born he stole both my husband’s heart and mine. He was the child who liked spending time with his old nonnina in the kitchen, and he spent a lot of time in there, with me.”
Rose says nothing which angers nonnina. “I watch that boy as he changed. Over the years I see the change, often not very subtle changes. He stopped smiling, that day was a bad day…” Breaking off she wipes her eyes.
“I don’t like seeing a young soul loosing something. But Luca did. He didn’t smile, he didn’t laugh and after a while he was unrecognisable.” She glares evenly at Rose. “That was your Michael’s fault, he did this to the child I love dearly. My husband and family have not been the same since your son.”
Rose interrupts while nonnina is talking. “My son did nothing of the sort!” She sounds almost appalled by the suggestion. “Your grandson has caused so many issues. Having a faggot in the family is not good for a reputation and definitely not good for a man’s mind. They need good Christian sons.”
“Like granddad?” Aria asks sceptically.
“Yes, that is exactly who I am talking about. Do you find that funny?”
I shuffle on my feet, trying to ease the tension in my body. Caden strokes my back gently, rubbing circles into my clothes. I turn and our eyes meet. He smiles shyly. A mixture of lust and love in his eyes makes it impossible for me to look away. My mouth goes dry and I put some distance between us, trying to make it all easier. He just pushes closer, not much, but enough to tell me he wants to stay close to me.
“Don’t try to move away from me,” he whispers in my ear, “not anymore. It’s about time you’ve stopped running away from me. I’m supporting you here.”
I shake my head and break free from his hold, walking over to Dante who looks about ready to pass out.
“Let’s get one thing straight. My brother is the person who needs protecting in all this. He’s been through a lot of crap and doesn’t need you giving him anymore,” turning to Robert he growls. “And you, you, have made things hellish for us. Coming here and making a scene in front of our fucking house!”
“I gonna do what I gonna do. You can’t stop me, so suck it,” he slurs, making me realise he’s been drinking this whole time.
“Careful what you say son,” John tells him.
I pull on Dante’s arm to indicate it to him, but he already knows. With two long strides he standing in front of Robert and manhandling him, checking for the alcohol on his persons. Robert fights, almost knocking Dante over.
“You stupid cunt, you’ve been drinking.” Dante grabs a bottle of vodka that Robert was hiding in his jacket pocket. He looks at the bottle then back at Robert. The scowl on his face deepens. “Have you any idea how fucking reckless that is? You shouldn’t even be drinking in someone’s house anyway, get him out of here before he breaks his neck.”
Blushing, John takes Robert’s arm and leads him out of the house. Mamma grabs Rose by the arm and makes her face her. The two of them start shouting, rage erupting from both of them, making it hard to stand there. I blank them out, closing my eyes I breathe deeply. I sense him walking over to me, his body heat radiates from my side, making it impossibly warm. It’s like he’s cast a magic spell on me and it’s making it harder to move. I blink rapidly, choosing to take in my surroundings instead of him.
The Christmas decorations are hanging from the ceiling, the tree in the corner is white frosted. It’s truly Christmas. The house could not be any more festive looking if it tried, even the fireplace is decorated and the fire is burning. Guilt hits me like a punch in the gut, memories of happy Christmas’ flash through my mind. I decide to wait. At least until Christmas is over. Tomorrow is Christmas day. That is a day I should give them. They want the day, so I will make sure they get that day.
“Luca,” Caden’s voice is hoarse. “You okay, you look kind of sick…”
I nod my head, his concern twists in my gut. But I don’t let it get harder. It’s not going to do any good. Things are the way they are; there is a valid reason for this. I don’t want to waste this.
“Come on, let’s get you sitting down.” He gently helps me to sit in a chair. Abi notices, she comes over to us. “Is everything okay? Oh, Luca, you look so pale, are you okay sweetheart? Do you want anything?”
I shake my head.
“I’m sick of listening to you insult my son, you should have been a better wife. If you had been maybe this wouldn’t have happened. My boy loved you, but at the first sign of trouble you ran. It’s your fault this happened.”
Mamma and Rose are still going at it. Everyone turns their attention to what mamma will say next, knowing she looks ready to explode. I see the way she clenches her fist, her anger is getting ready to burst.
“Let me tell you something, Rose.” She steadies herself with a calming breath. “The man I married and the man I divorced are two entirely different people.”
“The man I married was kind, funny and caring. He made me feel special and he was absolutely gorgeous. Within a year, which was a few weeks after I had Dante, he changed. The hardworking man became a slob. He didn’t work hard, he stopped helping me out. When Dante was one he stopped paying attention to us.” She raises her voice slightly. “The man you describe died in our first year of marriage. The man that he became was an ugly, fat, bastard who didn’t care about anyone other than himself. I stopped loving him years ago, but I wanted children and it was the one and only thing he could give me.”
Rose opens her mouth, but mamma stops her. “Your son was no angel, and yes, I did use him in the end. But he gave me nothing. He was not a good father and I think I deserved everything I did get out of him. They are his kids after all and they need to eat and have a roof over their heads.”
Caden crouches down beside me; his face is warm and full of concern. “Are you sure you’re okay? You look kind of shocked, do you want to go for a walk or something.” He keeps looking at me with intense eyes. Not allowing me to breathe, my heart swells with every single glance. “I can bring you upstairs for a while…” He’s cut off by a shout from Rose.
In a matter of seconds the room goes deadly silent. Shock and horror is plastered on the faces of everyone in the room except for me. Abi looks at me, her eyes wide with horror. Blinking rapidly, I turn to see how Caden’s reacting but he leaps off the floor and over to Rose. Dante rushes in and holds him back, barely; he pulls on him, almost knocking himself over in the process. Charlie tries to help, but Caden is strong and even with two of them he’s making it hard for them.
“Stupid fucking bitch, don’t you fucking dare say that about him!” Caden’s voice is hard and heartless, it sends a shiver down my spine, but it also makes my heart beat faster. He’s talking like that because of me.
Rose sneers, looking rather pleased. “I can say whatever I like. It’s my right as a tax payer; anyway, he is my grandson. I don’t see what concern it is of yours.”
That only angers Caden more. “You have zero rights to say something that vile about anyone. You’re a sick twisted bitch, how could you say that about him?”
“He’s an ugly, disfigured, mistake who is taking up too much space living his useless life.” She looks back at me; her eyes roam over my face, the ugly scar there. “Who could say anything about an ugly monster like him? He looks like the fucked up child of Frankenstein. That is not a good thing, especially when he scares people with his disfigured face.”
Those words knock the air out of my lungs. I feel like I’m being held underwater and someone is doing their best to make sure I can’t breathe. Caden has to be restrained by Charlie while nonnino and Dante grab Rose roughly and pull her out of the house. Dragging her, kicking and screaming, she puts up a good fight, but they have strength on their side. Aria and nonnina help mamma who’s left speechless, staring at the door. I cradle my head on my lap, fighting back the emotions bubbling inside of me.
“I said don’t fucking talk about him like that!” Caden screams, his voice is harsher than I expect from him. “I swear to God, let me at her!”
“Calm down Caden, calm down before you hurt yourself,” Charlie’s gruff; strained voice breaks through my emotional haze.
Caden’s still struggling in his father’s hold, making it impossible for Charlie to keep him still. Abi tries to help, but Caden just gets angrier. Ty stalks over to me, whispering to me, trying to comfort me and distract me. He doesn’t seem to realise I can see and hear what Caden is saying and doing. He tries to tell me jokes and make me laugh, tripping over his tongue a few times in the process. His jokes aren’t funny, but I look at him anyway, not just being polite. I like Ty; he’s a nice guy who seems to have a big heart. The fact he’s trying to be nice to me is something I would never expect from anyone. Especially not someone as popular as Ty, he obviously gets that from his family.
“She’s gone, John and Robert were still outside when we got outside,” Dante says as he walks back in. “They won’t be coming back for a while, they looked a bit traumatised if I do say so myself. Granddad’s gone upstairs to lie down.”
Mamma hugs Dante, hard. “Thank God for that, those people won’t rest until they ruin our lives.”
“Maria, is everything okay? Do you want us to call the police?”
Mamma looks at me, frowns, and then turns back to Abi, her face is unreadable. “No, thank you for the offer, but it would be best if we leave things alone, those people are trouble.”
Charlie looks at me, his eyes rake over my body, making me wonder if he suspects… No. No, he couldn’t suspect that. It’s not something people think about. I’m sure he just feels as though something is off. I can’t let him know he’s making me uncomfortable. He’s the one who said I would be good for his son, deep down he knows now. Knows that he was wrong about that, I can’t let it mean anything else. Too many people have been hurt already and by being Caden, he is already going to get hurt.
“I’m sure there is something that can be done to keep them away. Maybe you should consider getting a restraining order on them?”
Aria shakes her head sadly; it kills me to see the look on her face. “No, we can’t… Too much has happened. We’re just here for a fresh start; I don’t think it would be good if we got dragged back into the past.”
“What the fuck is going on anyway? Maria, you seem like a decent chick, why’d you marry a fucktard? He has to be if he came from… that.”
Mamma snorts, making Dante laugh too. Aria looks away from them and our eyes meet. Tears, she’s trying not to cry. I know it’s hurting her more than them.
“I don’t know why, he was a handsome man when I met him… But I was young and in love. We all make mistakes when we’re young.” She shrugs it off, making Caden more confused if his face is anything to go by.
“Jeeze that was a pretty big mistake,” he says. Charlie smacks him on the back of the head looking embarrassed.
“Trust me, I know that now.”
“Good, I was worried you would tell me you thought he was the best thing that happened to you, yada, yada,” Caden mutters, going off into his own little world.
Mamma quickly gets distracted looking at me. “Do you want to go lie down tesoro. You look a little pale.”
I quickly flee the room. Eyes follow me as I make my exit, taking in the way I rush out. For some reason my skin is burning. I’m not touching it, or even wearing tight clothes, but it burns. I rush into the room, shoving past the door and into my bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I turn the water on, and set it to hot, making sure it’s as hot as it can be. I step out of my clothes, not bothering to look and step into the shower, letting the boiling water gush out and down my skin. Closing my eyes, I make myself go into a peaceful trance. Allowing the water to burn, to do what it wants to do.
I don’t even care that I forgot the blade, it doesn’t really matter anymore. I just need the burn. My body aches, not in a good way. I feel strange, like someone has a grip on my chest, and is squeezing tightly, it’s making things hard. Deep down, I know that it’s not something I can change, it’s Caden. He’s wormed his way into my life. My heart is no longer my own, and I have to save his. I just know I have to.
I hurt myself today,
To see if I still feel,
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that’s real,
The needle tears a hole,
The old familiar sting,
Try to kill it all away,
But I remember everything.
Getting out of the shower, I dry off roughly, scratching my skin with every swipe of the towel. Every motion tears at skin, making it bleed. I dress myself swiftly, tugging at clothes to make sure I’m covered up before I walk out of the bathroom. I stop mid step. Caden is sitting there, on my bed, looking around the room. His face is unreadable. I take a single step into the room. My pule races. He doesn’t look up straight away; instead he takes his time to examine every inch of my room. Finally, he looks up at me. His eyes meet mine and I almost break, right there in front of him, my soul comes undone.
“Nice room,” he whispers huskily, “I think it suits you.”
I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything.
“You’re a lot quieter than you once were, it’s kind of sad. I like your voice,” he chuckles. “Hell, I like everything about you.”
Nothing, I stand there and say nothing.
“You didn’t lock the door this time, lucky me. It gives me the chance to say a few things, things I really need you to know.” He takes a step closer to me. “I want to tell you to forget that fucking bitch, your grandmother, Rose, or whatever you want to call her. She doesn’t get you, and that’s okay, you wouldn’t want a bitch like that to get you. I think she’s wrong about a lot of things.”
His eyes shine, tears? “You don’t look like she described, you’re not a disfigured Frankenstein. You have a scar, yeah, but that doesn’t change how you look. It changes nothing. You’re perfect just the way you are, and I don’t want you to think any differently. No one gets that, but I do. You have a really nice face, pretty, beautiful, even with the scar.”
He can’t think these things; he can’t think them about me. She’s right. Every single thing Rose said is right. I am ugly, I do scare kids and I look worse than Frankenstein. I can’t let myself believe anything else, because I know the truth. I have to look at the truth every day of my life.
“You don’t believe me; I can see it in your eyes.”
He takes another small step forward.
“I don’t think you see what I see, what your family sees. But I promise you, what we see is pretty damn amazing.” I divert my gaze from his. “You really don’t see it, but I do. I’ve seen how much she affects you, but I don’t think it’s just her. A lot of people make you feel bad, make you feel like you’re less than you are.” He whispers the next part. “You are perfect in every single way, to me you always will be.”
I move away, closer to my bed, moving away from his body, his kindness.
“You move away from me a lot. It gets on my nerves sometimes.”
I turn around, looking at him. Not letting him see that his words sting. He doesn’t move away from where he’s standing, in fact he seems to freeze there. I swallow the growing lump in my throat, blinking the tears from my eyes. The hurt he describes, the fact I could do that, it’s too much.
“Do you like me, Luca? I think you do. I think you like me a lot, but you’re afraid, maybe afraid to admit it? Or is it just me? You’re embarrassed by me? Is that it? I really can’t tell sometimes.” He smiles, not a real smile. “I’m not as smart as you are. Hell, I’m not even sure I understand half the shit you do. I thought… maybe…. I thought it would work better that way, it could entertain us. But if you don’t want to be with a dumb shit like me…”
He looks up again, our eyes meet. “It’s that look in your eyes. You get it when I’m around and only when you look at me.” He brushes tears from his cheeks. “I think that tells me that you want me around.”
I don’t want you around. I don’t want to see you get hurt. Why can’t you understand that? Is it that hard to think that?
“I swear, sometimes I can hear your thoughts. They’re not very appealing. I hear every bad thing you think about yourself. It’s like you’re saying them out loud. I don’t like those thoughts. I don’t want you to think those things.”
His eyes hold me there, he doesn’t move, and neither do I. We just stand there, in my bedroom, looking at each other. His eyes hold a lot. They hold an awful lot of love. But more than that, they hold his soul. I see deep into it, through his eyes. It’s one of the purest, nicest ones. He doesn’t see the kindness in that soul. It’s like one you expect to see in a saint, in someone who has lived a life full of helping people. I want to be able to tell him that he’s made the last few months the best of my life, in some ways they were. I’ll die knowing I fell in love with the most perfect boy. But I can’t tell him, that would be cruel.
“Do you want to come closer, or shall I?” He asks on a husky whisper.
I take another small step back, hoping he won’t come any closer, knowing that he will. He smiles ruefully at me and takes a step closer.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Luca.”
“Do you honestly think I would ever hurt you?”
His voice sounds hoarse now, like he’s crying. “You know, you have to know, I would never hurt you Luca. Never, ever, ever, it’s not in me to hurt you. I know you know. Please Luca, look at me.”
I do, I look up and meet his gaze. There are tears in his eyes. My heart starts shattering. I can’t stop the pieces from falling away; his eyes are doing that to me.
“You have beautiful eyes, do you know that? They’re this deep brown, almost black sometimes, and the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. Sometimes… they can be so fearful, it breaks my heart to see all that fear in one person,” he inhales deeply, “Especially when that person is you.”
My body starts to shake; the tremors running through me are making it hard for me to stand. Caden looks me over, his eyes roam my body. I reach out and almost touch him. The urge… It’s there. I’ve never had the urge to touch someone before, not like this, and never anyone outside my family. He notices, our eyes meet. Caden’s lips curl into another smile, this one matches the expression in his eyes. Its love and want and desire all rolled into one beautiful look.
“Luca, please stop shaking. You don’t need to be afraid. Not around me, never around me.” He takes a tiny step closer, I don’t move.
“I’ll never hurt you. You know that, it’s not in me to hurt you.”
Another step, this one brings him closer to me. “Please stop running away from me, please.”
I hold still and he moves closer again, tears start to form in his eyes. I know there are tears in my eyes too, but I don’t care.
“I hate seeing you look so unsure, most of the time I just want to shake that insecurity out of you.” He gives me a gentle, tender smile. “I’ve always wanted to make you see how beautiful and perfect you are. Would you believe me?”
I shake my head, brushing the tears from my eyes. He takes another step closer, slowly, ever so slowly, closing in on me. My breath catches when he’s only a couple of small steps away from me.
“Never hide from me again. I want to see you, and I mean really see you.” He’s whispering now, our bodies so close, almost touching.
I close my eyes, breathing in, calming myself. My hearts bursting, spilling the love I have for him into my every being. He’s close now, no longer any distance between us. His eyes lock on mine, not letting my gaze move from his. I keep my eyes open, fighting against the urge to close them and move away. Not wanting to break him like I know it would. He doesn’t move, for a long time he just looks at me. Gently, ever so gently, he traces the scar on my cheek with his finger tip. Caressing the puckered skin, leaving a burning trail in his wake, I shiver at the sensation.
“My beautiful angel,” he whispers softly.
I gasp at the words and his fingers grab mine, lacing our fingers together. His eyes intense with love, burn through my defences. I don’t flinch or move away when he gently sways our hands from side to side. His smile widens, and if it possible, it becomes even more loving and tender.
“Luca, my beautiful, sweet, perfect angel,” his breath brushes my face. It’s like he’s caressing the skin without having to touch me, he’s making me fall apart.
His warm breath caresses my lips as he brushes our lips together. A sob tears from my chest and he brushes our lips together again. This time he lets out a gentle sob too. My barriers crumble around me, our tears fall together as his lips continuously brush over mine. He whispers on my lips, kissing me with gentle, loving movements. My heart swells in my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. I’m his, for one simple moment I am all his and he is all mine. It’s that one moment of having my heart repaired, and knowing, just knowing that true love is real, because he is mine. He kisses me, again and again. His lips never taking too much, just simply letting me feel him, taste him. I love him more than anything. He brings our fingers up to my face and gently brushes his fingertips along my skin. I feel like the whole world makes sense in that very moment, he is my whole work, he’s the handler of my heart.
“Oh God,” he whispers breathlessly before his lips are brushing mine again.
I cry out, allowing my soul to open up, no longer able to stop myself. His love is there, in each and every gentle brush of his lips against mine, it’s there. I feel like an angel is coming down, watching us, guarding us and giving us time to love. His gentleness is my undoing. I can’t see past how gentle he is, how much love he is putting into us. We’re not making out like horny teenagers. Instead we’re kissing like he knows I won’t be here, like he’s afraid of breaking something valuable and precious. He’s touching my soul in a way I could never have imagined. He’s making me fall more in love with him. I sob into the kiss, begging him to stop; he thinks I’m asking for more.
“Beautiful angel,” he breathes against my lips. Wallowing in his taste, I forget the world around me. This is perfect. This with him is more perfect than any moment in my entire life. It’s the epitome of the perfect first kiss. For me, this is my one perfect moment; no moment has ever been like this before. They say everyone gets one moment in their life, that one moment were everything is perfect. This is mine. His taste is in my mouth, everywhere, it’s surrounding me and everything I am, seeping itself into my soul. He’s becoming my everything, in many ways he already is. My everything, my heart, my body and my soul, that is him.
“Stop,” I scream, shoving him away from me. Sobbing, I break away from him, distancing myself from him.
“Luca, no, please.” He pleads with me. “Don’t do this to us. Please angel, please don’t do this.”
“I’m broken,” I whisper and I see his eyes widen and his heart shatter. My words have done that.
I move away from him as the sound of footsteps comes up the stairs. Everyone rushes into the room, looking at us standing there. I must have screamed louder than I thought. Caden tries to get closer again, worry and pain on his beautiful face.
“I’m sorry, Luca. I’m so, so sorry, I thought…”
“Leave me alone!” I wail, my voice high pitched and screeching.
“Calm down, please calm down, you’re scaring me.”
Dante brushes past everyone, and tries to get closer to us, trying to calm me down. “It’s okay, Pooh bear. I told you the boy wanted you, didn’t I?” He tries to sound light and fun. He doesn’t though, he sounds… Almost frightened, but definitely worried. They all look at me like I’m going crazy. Caden looks terrified; he’s shaking and sobbing a few feet away from me.
“No!” I shout again.
“No one can want me.”
“You know what they did to me, Dante!”
“You saw it! You saw it all and he tells me I’m beautiful.” I say pointing to Caden. He looks like I punched him in the gut. In a lot of ways, I have.
“Calm down, please Luca, please.” Caden pleads, it’s as if someone has died, he looks completely and utterly desperate.
“Please angel, I didn’t want this to happen, please Luca, please.”
One of my biggest regrets is not being able to save your heart. Caden, you have made me feel more in the last few months than I ever have. But I’m already too broken. I can’t fix myself and you can’t either. I wish I had been fixable for you, you are the one person who could have saved me, but I’m not worth saving. I never was. I’m sorry I hurt you, so, so sorry, but I have to do this. You’ll understand someday. Someday everyone will understand my reasons.
“You called me beautiful, you said… You said I was beautiful. But you don’t see me.” I scream. “You can’t see me, I am not beautiful.”
“Do you enjoy poking fun at the freak? Is that it? You wanted a go at the local queer?” I’m breaking him, he cries, and I mean really cries. Broken sobs escape his mouth, like his heart is breaking, and I’m doing it. “I’m just the sick freak that you wanted a go at, is that it? Sounds like it.”
My eyes are burning, the tears aren’t flowing properly. Everything’s broken. I’ve ruined him. From one single kiss I have managed to ruin his life. He doesn’t see that, he thinks I don’t want him. But he hasn’t seen any part of me. I know what I feel and I know this isn’t how he wants it to be, but this is how it has to be.
“How can you see me as beautiful? I look like a freak!” I’m sobbing now, unable to hold it back now. “I am sick, disgusting and worthless.”
“Calm down, Luca, you need to calm down. Just don’t do anything…”
“Don’t do anything, what?!” I exclaim, “Anything stupid?”
“How can I do anything stupid?” My voice breaks.
“KILLING MYSELF WOULD NOT BE STUPID!”
I grab the knife off my bedside table and slice through my writs. Blood gushes out of it. Quickly, I slash the other one. Making sure I hit what I’m supposed to. Snarling in frustration as the skin struggles to break. I just want to die. Die. Die. Die. I chant it over and over again, begging with someone to take me away.
Voices scream at me.
“No Luca!!”
“Please, angel, don’t do this.” He cries desperately. It’s a plea, he’s trying his best to stop me, but you can’t stop what has to happen. “Please, please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me angel.”
I hear Caden’s harsh sobs, it sounds as if he’s chocking, and every breath is a struggle for him. Looking up, I already feel like my body is succumbing to the darkness. His eyes are big and frightened; heartbreak is etched deeply in them. They are the last things I see before I succumb to the darkness.