Chapter 22
I looked at them. Andy looked away but Ashley held my gaze. Disappointment, hate, discussed annoyance, pitty. All of that with one single stare......but then, I remeber that night.
Flash Back yay
"Andy. Get out." I clenched my teeth. This life was never meant for me to have. I was the out cast, I should be dead. I can't have what they have. I don't want to....I'm..I'm scared. Scared of love. Scared of them. Scared of living. So. I did the only thing I know how to do. Push them all away.
"I...I don't understand." he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. No. In hurt.
"I SAID GET OUT. I CAN'T STAND THIS. I CAN'T HAVE YOU I DON'T NEED YOU. GET. OUT." I yelled tears stinging my eyes.
That's when I opened my eyes. To find the light. To find myself...going crazy. This life. I hate it. I hate this. What's worse is that, when all is lost you don't want to feel a thing.
I popped back into reality and looked down and away from Ashley's stare. I felt....numb. Like I just lost all I know an love. I turned to and looked at Shane. "I'm not your puppet anymore." I looked at Ashley and Andy and mouthed I'm sorry. I did the only thing I knew. I ran. I ran and ran till I couldn't breath. I looked around and saw I was deep in the woods I couldn't hear the sounds of the city. No cars, no dogs barking, just silence. I felt consumed by the silence. Consumed in nothing. I fell to my knees.
Everything went threw my head. My parents. I forgot how they used to be. I forgot how they would tuck me in at night. Save me from the monster in my closet. It all changed when I turned 13. The twins where born. It wasn't the boys fault. It was mine. I should have been better. No. I was better. I was the best I could have been. I'm done running. I am tired of hurting.
I sat there and looked threw the trees to see a blue sky. I smiled and climbed up the tree higher and higher looking up and reaching for every branch. I was happy for once. I knew who I was. Where I stood. I felt like nothing could ever bring me down again. I stood up for myself.
I threw my jacket off and onto the ground. I took off every bracelet I had on my wrist. I smiled dropping them one by one to the ground as I climbed higher and higher. I got to the top and took in a breath. I could see trees for miles. I felt free like I was flying. I wanted to jump and fly away. I wished at that very moment things would change. Everything would be okay. I wanted to feel like this every day.
I found something in me that day. Something I thought would never would show every again. I smiled. I took in a breath and closed my eyes as a gust of wind blew. I stood there. I didn't want this to end. I remembered Andy but I still smiled.
I smiled because he was the first person to care. He made me smile for a little while. I ruined it all. I ruined keeping him, but I think this was for the best. I know what I want in life. To be happy and if that means losing him. I was done crying. Done hiding. I wanted to live happy. I am going to live happy.
Tomorrow will come and I won't let it get to me. Not ever again. I climbed down the tree. Looking down at the jacket and bracelets I smiled. I looked at my arms. I want to be done with all of this.
I shoved the bracelets into my bag. I placed my jacket on my bag and began to wonder around. I was lost but I was happy to be lost. I have been lost my whole life that being lost here felt calming. I let out a sigh and looked down.
I heard a twig snap in the distance and I looked up. Nothing was there. I shrugged it off and hummed as I walked.
I stopped and sat down. I was so tired and I honestly had no where else to go. So I relaxed against a tree and closed my eyes. I lost everything. But I realized something, when all is lost there is something to be found.