After that display of group affection, we leave to the hotel and I look grumpily at everyone, letting them know I truly despise them for doing that at the airport, especially at Kay; but she keeps blowing kisses at me and winking. She scares me, I’m afraid she may tell everyone what happened, just to make me feel uncomfortable or to accept what happen. But I only want to forget I ever did that, that I actually felt like that, that I kissed her like that.
I tell myself every five seconds that I don’t want her. I don’t want her. I don’t want her.
I can imagine what the paparazzi will tell about what happened at the airport. Kay has been seen with us, but they know she is only part of the crew, much as Alex and Lou, and Paul, and many others. But they saw and got pictures of her taking my hand, of her and Alex hugging me before the lads joined. I’m sure they will start making up rumours of Kay and I. And all because of her. But I try not to worry about that, I can always dismiss gossips. I’m more concerned about what Kay may say. Against my own desires, I have to talk to her, make her promise she won’t tell anyone. Although she may have already told Alex. Damn.
For that reason, after we settle in our respective rooms, I ask Jeannine for Kay’s room number and with a worried expression, she gives it to me. “You’re not going to kill her, are you?” Jeannine asks before I leave and I shake my head, but she doesn’t look at ease.
“Just need to ask her something regarding the documentary. Mere business,” I reply and she lets me go.
I make sure no one notices where I’m going. The lads already saw Kay and I snogging, I don’t want them to think we’re having an affair or something and that’s why I’m going to her room. If she is there. I don’t know. A part of me prays she is not in her room so I don’t have to face her alone. The memories of our night together come to me like flash backs and confuse me, they leave me wanting more but I yell at myself that it will never happen.
When I knock at the door, I’m officially nervous. I tell myself I have to do this, I can’t let her go around without making sure she won’t tell everyone we slept together. This will have to be our secret. Then she opens the door and looks at me surprised, but soon a happy smile appears on her lips, one that slowly turns into a cocky one.
“Louis, what a surprise. Do you need anything?” she asks and they way she looks at me makes my cheeks feel warmer. “Aw, are you actually blushing?”
“Shut up,” I say and look away, but I hear her giggling. “We need to talk.”
“We need to do many things, but okay, talking first. Wanna come in?”
She is only teasing me, only teasing me. I repeat that over and over again as I make my way into her room in this hotel. She follows me and I can feel her, her presence behind me as clear as if she were touching me. I don’t know why I’m so conscious of her and that annoys me, but I can’t help it. It’s like every cell in my body is alert of where she is. And when I turn around, she is staring at me, her everlasting smile on her lips and her eyes sparkling. My heart skips one beat when I see her like that, trying to look innocent, with her hands at her back, her hair falling in that short mess around her pixie features.
Why am I appreciating how beautiful she is? Damn you, Louis! Get a grip! I yell at myself.
“You can’t tell the rest what happened,” I say, trying to focus on what I’m really doing here instead of getting distracted.
“Do you mean that we slept together?” she asks innocently and the way she says it sends me chills down my spine. “You can say it out loud, can’t you?” she is teasing me, she is only teasing me.
“Of course, but it meant nothing so don’t get your hopes up,” I say and I don’t even allow the voice in my head to speak up. “That’s why I’m asking you not to tell anyone. They don’t need to know about that drunken mistake.”
If I’m hurting her with my words, she doesn’t show that. “You and I both know very well that it did mean something and that it wasn’t a drunken mistake. You weren’t drunk by when we got to my flat. You weren’t drunk anymore when you tore my clothes away, when you kissed me like you couldn’t get enough, when you—”
“Stop!” I exclaim and she smiles victoriously. “It meant nothing, and I’m asking you this nicely. Don’t tell the others.”
“Oh, so you want it to be our little secret,” she says lowly, stepping closer. I don’t move although my brain urges me to step back. I won’t show weakness, I won’t let her see she affects me. “You don’t want to share what we have.”
“We don’t have anything,” I spat and she laughs, taking another step closer. Her hand lands on my chest and I feel that electric jolt going down my spine, but I don’t move, I don’t react. I have to be strong, I have to prove her that she means nothing to me.
Kay chuckles and her hands sneaks up to my neck, her fingers playing with the hair at my nape and she stand on her tiptoes, her face approaching and I hold my breath, I don’t move. She brushes her lips against mine and then she moves without actually kissing me, but her lips land on my cheek and then move, leaving slow and feather-like kissed as she approaches to my ear, her body getting closer to mine, I can actually feel her against my chest. My hands are tingling, but I fight the impulse to grab her waist. I won’t do that.
“You know you can’t lie to me, babe,” she whispers in my ear and I have to fight very hard not to shiver. She would feel that. “I know it meant something to you, or you wouldn’t be here asking me not to tell the others. But… what would you do to keep me silent?”
I freeze at her words and rage starts to bubble inside of me. “I’m not your whore!” I spat, pushing her back, gently. I don’t want to hurt her.
Kay actually laughs and looks so amused by my reaction. “You actually think I was going to ask you that? Louis, please. When we spent the night together again —because it will happen— I want it to be because you want it. Because you asked for it, not because I bribed you.” She steps closer again but this time she doesn’t touch me, she is just too close. “I was kidding, you don’t have to do anything. I won’t tell the others because, just like you, I want this to be our secret. I like the idea that only you and I know about this. Isn’t that romantic?”
I don’t say anything and she chuckles again, so amused by all this when I don’t see the funny side.
“Okay. I’m leaving now,” I state but I don’t move, I’m still staring at her and I see how she pouts.
“Leaving? Without a kiss? How hurtful, Louis. I thought he had something special.”
Why is she acting like this? Why the constant teasing? She is playing with me and my mind, making me more and more confused. When she acts like this, she makes me think this is only a game for her, but then she acts like she really cares. She proves me she cares, but then she teases me like this. Why? What is she trying to accomplish here?
“What are you doing? What do you expect from me?” I ask her furrowing my brow in sheer confusion.
Her amused expression vanishes and she takes a deep breath. “I just want you to accept what’s between us, Louis. I like you, I really, really like you and I know that somewhere inside you, you also have feelings for me. I just want you to accept that. We could be great together.” I don’t say anything, I won’t even bother denying those statements. “Do you remember how you overheard me telling Grimmy that I only saw you as a challenge? That you were my Louis Project?” I nod, feeling a lump in my throat as the memory comes back and how betrayed I felt. “I don’t see you like that anymore. You’re a challenge, that’s true. Man, you’re so hard to get. But you’re more than that, Louis, I can’t see you as a project anymore because I really want you. I want you to kiss me back every time, I want you to stay with me in bed instead of running away, I want you to stop fighting me. I want to be with you.”
I can’t breathe, her words are like bricks being thrown at me. She is serious, there’s no teasing this time, she means every single word but I don’t know what to feel or believe at her confession. Why is she telling me this? If she expects me to suddenly change and confess my undying love for her, she is wrong. There’s no such a thing, I don’t feel like that towards her.
“I know you think Eleanor was perfect for you, but she wasn’t it. She wasn’t enough for you, Louis. And maybe I’m not enough for you either, but I want to try,” she carries on and I take a low deep breath at that statement. I’ve always seen this as me not being enough… never the other way around.
“I— I don’t feel like that for you,” I say and she sighs and looks down, but I get to see a hurt shadow crossing her eyes before she avoids my gaze. “I don’t want to be with you.”
“I know…” She whispers. “But I can’t give up on you, Louis. I just can’t.” Kay looks up at me again and before I notice what she is doing, I have her in front of me, her hands holding my face and pulling me until our lips meet again.
For a second I don’t move, I only stare at her in shock as she presses her lips against mine, but then hers start to move, slowly coaxing me to kiss her back, to give in. And I fight, I fight so hard to not react, hoping she will give up. But she doesn’t and I’m starting to lose strengths, because the taste of her kiss is intoxicating, because I like the way she kisses me.
Slowly, my eyelids close and my hands take her waist, pulling her closer as I start to kiss her back, cocking my head to the right just to have a better access and I feel her smiling in the kiss, but I don’t stop. It’s a slow and careful kiss, like she is afraid I may pull back any second, but I can’t. I don’t know what sort of spell she has on me, but once I kiss her, I can’t pull back. I get addicted to her taste, to her lips on mine, at the way she feels in my arms.
I deepen the kiss, hugging her tighter as her hands ruffle my hair, taking away the beanie I was wearing until that moment. I like the way her hands run through my hair, messing with it, and the way she holds on to me.
I know that by kissing her back I’m contradicting myself, because I kiss her like I want her, like I care about her and I know that if I want to be consequent, I should pull her away. I shouldn’t even react, but I can’t be indifferent anymore. And I don’t know why.
Her delicate hands leave my hair and cup my face again, forcing me gently to break the kiss although I could carry on forever. I don’t let her go, my hands are still on her back, pulling her closer to me. Kay looks me in the eyes, hers are brighter but dark and her cheeks are also flushed, her breathing is more laborious and she looks beautiful. It makes me want to kiss her again, and again, and again.
“Somewhere inside of you, you do want me, too,” states Kay and I want to deny that, but I can’t in this moment, not with my heart beating this fast. “I just have to bring that part to the surface until every part of you wants me, as well.”
I can’t reply, I can’t even tell her that what she wants is stupid because all what I really want to do is kiss her again.
“Louis,” she speaks again, pecking my lips again, pulling back before I can deepen the kiss. “I’ll make you fall in love with me. And this time I mean it, it’s not a game, it’s not a challenge, it’s not a project. I’m not willing to be your rebound anymore, because I want you to stay with me.”
I take a sharp breath, somehow intimidated by the intensity in her eyes when she says those words. I’m somehow afraid this time, afraid of what she may do to accomplish her goal this time.
Kay smiles at me and steps back, my hands sliding reluctantly away from her waist. Then she turns away and walks to the toilet, leaving me alone in her room and I know that’s the moment to leave, my head is spinning with so many thoughts.
This didn’t go exactly as I planned.