From: Lucas Garver>
To: Bailey Garver>
_____________________________________
Don't forget I love you
May 1, 2014 at 1:30 AM
_____________________________________
Dear Bailey,
I love you. I love you so deep in my soul that I wonder how I ever lived without you in my life. I think of you everyday—even more, every second. There's not one task I complete over here where thoughts of you weren't the soundtrack to the entire thing. I've spelled your name as I took each step, I named our children as I crouched behind a Humvee and yesterday I prayed to God that you would be strong enough to survive what this deployment might bring as rounds clipped the buildings above my head.
I've seen things that I never imagined my eyes would see. I've learned that medics run to help the wounded, but will pass you by if you there's no chance they can help. I'll never be able to describe the way burning flesh smells, but I know I will remember it for the rest of my life. I look at the Marines around me and I see Derek's face. They aren't any older than him; some are even younger. I feel like it's my job to make sure each of them comes home, but the task feels as hopeless as trying to keep a handful of water from slipping between your fingers.
Before I left I thought there were two ways this was going to play out. Option one was that I'd come home to you. I'd step off that plane and into your arms and this scary uncertain part of our life would be behind us. The other option was that I'd come off that plane with a flag draped across my casket. You'd grieve for me and then move on. I know now that there are a million other ways this could go. I've seen men leave here without their legs or arms. I've seen brothers escort their brother's casket home to their mom. I know now that there is a big grey area between walking off the plane and being carried. I'm not sure what I'll be missing when I get off the flight, but right now a leg or arm doesn't seem as terrible as the piece of my soul I'll never find again. And maybe it's not all about what I'll leave behind. I've seen what the men leaving are carrying with them in their minds.
The only thing I'm certain of is my love for you. No matter what stays behind or is brought home with me, your love will always be in my heart.
Love,
Lucas