All I did was cry. After Rikert and I were finished having sex out on the beach, I couldn’t even look at him. I couldn’t look anybody in the eye as we went back to the party. He was in such a great mood, and I felt like shit. I was scared and humiliated. I had never known myself to be as weak as I had been lately, and honestly it was a little terrifying. My life was spiralling out of my control and I only wanted to disappear.
I felt like I didn’t really know who I was anymore. But when Rikert was around me, I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t help it, the emotions I felt were inevitable, it seemed. I looked up to him. Sometimes I wanted to scream at myself because it was almost like I worshipped him. And that made me feel pathetic. But there were other times where I didn’t think I wanted to keep going with him anymore, but it truly terrified me to even think about telling him that.
When Rikert got angry, I was nearly petrified. It was like I couldn’t function properly--talking becoming one of the most difficult tasks, it was almost impossible. All I wanted to do was please him and not have him hit me again. And sometimes it really felt like there was nobody else out there for me. It was either be alone forever or stick with Rikert. My mind had already made the decision on its own. Having his support hurt less than a lifetime of emptiness.
As I obediently stood next to Rikert, listening to him converse with his friends for another twenty minutes before we went home, I could still feel my hands shaking to the slightest degree. The whole encounter had me shaken. And I found it pretty ironic that this was the moment that had me comparing myself to a battered wife and not when he hit me--those times I considered myself more of an unruly child or something. I deserved to be hit those times. But having sex almost in public? That wasn’t something I could ever be okay with.
I spent the forty minute ride home pretending that I was asleep. I knew that if I didn’t, Rikert would probably want me to talk and I didn’t have anything to say. I felt empty and gross and belittled. Even my clothes were still filled with sand and now-dried cum from the both of us.
My entire body was sore and used. We must have had been out there, lying behind that fucking sand dune for only a quarter shy of an hour or something. My arms were just killing me from being stuck above my head the entire time--Rikert had never told me I could move them, and I had been far beyond frightened to do so. I knew when to push my luck. That hadn’t been one of those times.
Rikert dropped me off at my house around one in the morning. My whole body nearly visibly relaxed when he simply kissed me on the cheek and told me I could go inside. He was still so freaking happy. There was a content smile plastered on his face as he looked at me. I tried to look as exhausted as I could. It wasn’t that hard to fake, though, since I was so tired. I just didn’t want to seem ungrateful or something and make him angry. That was one thing I could definitely do without for the night.
Rikert sped off before I was even to the front steps of my uncles’ house. I barely made it farther than that before the first tears struck me. My throat burned, my eyes stung, and I was shaking more than ever as I managed to silently get myself down to the basement without alerting my uncles. I was so focused on staying as quiet as possible and trying to find my way to my room that I didn’t even realize I was tripping over some random object before I was on my hands and knees on the carpet.
The impact hit me hard. I instantly knew I was going to have bruised knees and the stinging in the heels of my hands told me that I would have burns from the friction of the carpet. That was the exact moment I broke down. A deafeningly loud and horrific sob tore through my throat and escaped past my lips before I let my arms give out and I crumpled to the floor. My cheek hit carpet and then the floodgate of tears couldn’t be stopped or controlled.
I noisily cried, no longer having enough will to care if I was heard. I was just hurt. The emotions were unbearable and they were suffocating me, making it hard to breathe. Then again, that might just have been the fact that my head was pounding and my nose was successfully clogged within seconds. And the pathetic sobs coming out of me didn’t help the situation either.
“Holy shit,” a distinctly familiar voice said. It was strained and laced with enough emotion that only made me cry harder and curl into myself. “Caise, what’s wrong?”
Too tired to get up and walk away and too humiliated to do anything else, I buried my face into the floor as Patrick flipped the lights on. I cried with my eyes clenched tightly shut, knees pulled up to my chest. My hands were balled into fists as I gasped for air between sobs.
“Hey,” Patrick said softly. “It’s okay. Calm down.”
I heard his footsteps getting closer to me and then his arms were grabbing me under my armpits. He started to lift me off of the ground. I covered my tear and snot stained face with my hands, embarrassed about how I looked right then. Patrick practically dragged me to my room and put me on my bed since I could hardly walk and I certainly couldn’t talk.
Patrick walked away and a couple seconds later he came back and shoved toilet paper in my hands. I just stared at it, letting the tears continue to fall. I didn’t even want to look at him. He shifted on his feet for a moment before he sat down next to me on my bed. He took back some of the white sheets and started to wipe at my face.
I froze immediately. Even the tears and the heavy breaths ceased to exist for a few heart-stopping moments. This was so unlike my cousin that I wasn’t even sure it was really him. He dropped his hand slightly and his eyes looked at my wide ones. My lip was quivering and Patrick just watched me, as if he were afraid of doing something wrong.
I wrenched my eyes away from his and furiously swiped at my eyes with the back of a hand. I was so intensely angry with myself for everything that had happened tonight. I shouldn’t have been so fucking stupid. I should have been more forceful and told Rikert I didn’t want to have sex. I should have just put my damn foot down and taken a hit for crying out loud. I would gladly turn back time and end up with a bruised face instead. I could take physical abuse all day long, but sexual abuse was out of the question for me. I wasn’t that kind of person and I never wanted it to happen again.
Patrick grabbed my wrist and pulled my hand away. “You’re gonna give yourself a black eye or something if you keep doing that,” he said.
I sniffled and he gave me back the tissues. I started to wipe my nose and my eyes. Sobs were no longer heard, but they had been replaced with persistent hiccups.
“You wanna tell me what happened?” Patrick asked gently.
I swallowed thickly and shook my head frantically. There was absolutely no way I was telling him anything. Patrick would hate me even more than he already did. I could just imagine the pure disgust that would be on his face if he found out what I did. The thought nearly made me burst into tears again.
“Are you okay, at least?” he asked, trying again. I waited a moment and then nodded minutely. He sighed and I think he muttered something along the lines of, “Like I’m gonna believe that.”
I ignored him and wiped away the last of my tears. Not even caring, I pushed the toilet paper onto the floor so I didn’t have to hold onto it anymore. Patrick seemed to hesitate as I felt and noticed him watching me out of the corner of my eye. Then he reached out and patted my knee lightly. It was awkward. For both of us. He stopped after about the fourth touch and pulled his hand back to his own lap. I never looked up at him.
I hiccupped again, really loudly this time. My face tinged pink with embarrassment. This night just wouldn’t fucking quit. I felt miserable as I sat next to my cousin. His presence only seemed to make my anxiety worse.
Patrick cleared his throat after a moment. “You’ll be okay, though, right?” I nodded again and this time it wasn’t a lie. “You just need to sleep and stuff and you’ll be as good as new.”
“Right,” I whispered.
It was hardly audible, and I wasn’t even sure if he heard me, but Patrick was satisfied enough. Besides, it had basically been a rhetorical question. He didn’t really want the answer--hadn’t really been looking for one. It was more like he was just trying to reassure himself. Which was good for him, but it did nothing for me. I didn’t think I would ever be the same again. I knew I would never be “as good as new” as he had put it. I was so utterly fucked up beyond the point of repair. And everyone knew it.
Patrick got to his feet in a hurry and I glanced up at him through bleary tears and clumped up eyelashes. He scratched the back of his neck and glanced at me a few times. Then he forced a strange and stiff smile and stalked over to the open door. He walked out of it and I looked back down at my hands, ready to start crying some more. Being alone just left me with my sick thoughts and horrible memories of the night.
Then I heard his footsteps return a second later. I looked back up and he was standing just inside the doorway. He hardly looked at me and I felt ashamed again.
“I heard you guys came out tonight,” Patrick said. He paused and I watched him carefully. “Uh, I guess I’m proud of you or whatever. I guess. And I forgot to shut your door.”
He spoke so fast that I almost missed his words. But I didn’t, I caught every one of them. And they left me stunned. I didn’t really know what to think of what he said and it didn’t exactly matter. Because he’d barely spit them out before Patrick grabbed the doorknob and hastily pulled my door closed behind him.
I squeezed my eyes closed and counted to three. And then I breathed deeply before I stood up. I was done crying about this. A few tears and a minor breakdown was all this situation deserved. I had to get over myself. Not everything was about me and I needed to learn that. So I pushed myself forward and went into my bathroom so I could shower before I passed out in bed. Once this night was over, I wasn’t going to think about it anymore. I was going to make myself move on. It was what was best for everyone.
***************
I thought I was going to be feeling better on Monday, but things drastically changed. I got a really nasty cold and I was convinced it was from laying out on the beach for so long at night. So I was so sick--coughing, sneezing, everything--that my uncles had basically forbidden me from going to school.
At first I was really upset about it. Because now I could finally be with Rikert in public. I was really happy about that if I was being honest. But then I started to think about it and I felt my mood drop while I was home on Sunday. I kept remembering what we did out at that party and as the details came flooding back each time, I would start to tremble and my hands would shake.
Rikert had never been like that before. Sexual abuse was nothing I have ever known about first hand and it scared me. It made me feel completely uncomfortable. And it wasn’t really even the fact that we were outside by people that was bothering me anymore. It was that he kept going--made me do it--even after I had begged him to stop. That was what hit me the hardest.
So instead of being mad at my uncles for making me stay home, I tried to make the most of it. But sadly, I only spent the day crying and coughing and wishing I would never have to go back again. I knew Rikert was going to be very upset with me because I never texted him and told him why I wasn’t around. And when he sent me messages throughout the day I never answered him back or picked up when he called. I knew I was digging myself a hole, but I simply couldn’t do it. I was too depressed and tired about everything that was going on.
I ate my breakfast in silence on Tuesday. Patrick sat next to me and my uncle Marck had left for work right after I had come upstairs to eat. I only finished half of my cereal by the time the door shut announcing that Kristian had just left as well.
I stood up, deciding that I was done with my food. I was feeling way too nauseated to eat anything. I wasn’t really sick anymore, but the nerves about the day ahead of me were making matters worse than they needed to be.
“Hey,” Patrick called. I stopped immediately and turned to look at him. He was leaning one arm over the back of his chair as he watched me. I could see that his brows were slightly furrowed. “Are you going to throw that out? You’ve hardly eaten it.”
My eyes widened slightly and I looked from him down to the bowl in my hands. I guess I had eaten even less than I had originally thought.
I looked back up at my cousin and said, “I can’t eat it. I feel like I’m going to throw up.”
Patrick stood up. The sound of the chair scraping the tiles made the inside of my ears burn. He followed me over to the sink with his own empty cereal bowl.
“Do you need to stay home again?” he asked. “‘Cause my parents said that if you’re still sick you should stay here.”
“No,” I said. I couldn’t leave Rikert hanging again. It wouldn’t be good for me.
Right after I spoke the word I realized it was a little too rushed. Patrick eyed me carefully and I felt a blush make its way onto my face. I turned away from him immediately so he wouldn’t see. I was pretty sure he saw it anyway, though.
Patrick grabbed my arm quickly before I had a chance to scurry off. He spun me around and looked me dead in the eyes. I squirmed and averted my gaze. This was all just way too awkward for me.
“What’s wrong with you?”
The question that always came out so accusatory and venomous, was now soft and concerned. I was so surprised and weirded out by it that all I could do was blink for a few moments. Then I snapped out of it and gently pulled my arm out of Patrick’s hold. I didn’t want to seem too defensive.
“Nothing,” I said. “I feel sick.”
“What happened on Saturday?” Patrick asked demandingly. “Don’t lie to me.”
I sighed and stepped away from him. I went to the door for the garage and scooped up my rucksack. Patrick flicked off the kitchen lights and hurried after me into the garage. I stood by his car, waiting for him to unlock it. He walked out of the house and stood on the other side of the car from me, by the driver’s door.
I put my hand on the door handle and waited. “Are you going to unlock it or not?”
Patrick narrowed his eyes. “Tell me what happened to you.”
“Just forget about that.”
Patrick looked like he was ready to throw something in exasperation. “I can’t,” he said. “Something happened that night and it really fucked you up. You need to talk to someone.”
“Unlock the car,” I hissed.
“No.”
“Then I’ll walk!” I yelled loudly.
Patrick almost jumped from the sudden volume of my voice. “You don’t have to get so upset, Jesus Christ. I’m trying to help you, Caise. But you need to talk to me.”
I fixed him with an icy glare. “I don’t want to fucking talk to you. You need to shut up and forget what happened.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “And unlock this goddamn door right now!”
Patrick blinked at me, unsure about my rise in temper. After a moment he gave in, sighing loudly and grumbling to himself as he hit a button on his keys that finally unlocked the doors. He climbed in and I followed suit. We both slammed our doors shut and I pushed my head up against the window so I didn’t have to look at Patrick as we drove away.
When the girls got into the car, they started jabbering away at Patrick. They didn’t even seem to notice his severe lack of enthusiasm to anything they had to say, but I didn’t miss it. I knew he was pissed off at me. And I couldn’t blame him for that. But he needed to mind his own business. He had to let me do this on my own. I didn’t want to involve anybody else in my complicated relationship.
We still had about fifteen minutes before the warning bell for our first lesson went off and I parted from my cousins as soon as I stepped into the building. I nervously gripped the straps for my rucksack in each hand and pulled them over my chest, trying to clasp my hands together at the same time. I was fidgeting and my eyes were darting around the halls as I walked.
People stared openly, some people stared and failed at making it not so obvious. People whispered, and other people looked at me with laughter in both their eyes and their voices. Some people gave me supportive smiles and a lot of people just ignored me like they had before last weekend.
I had just averted my gaze to the ground out of humiliation when a hand closed too tightly around my upper arm and yanked me away from my previous path. Hardly even a second later I was inside a small practice room with a piano and the door was slamming shut. The sound of the lock going into place rang loudly in my ears. It happened so fast I was positive nobody out in the hall even noticed my abduction.
Rikert ripped my bag off of my arm and threw it across the room. It loudly smacked against the wall before it slipped down to the floor. I watched it with widened eyes and then Rikert stood himself in front of me.
He was so close I could have seen the individual strands of hair on his stubble if I had enough courage to look at his face. I flinched, my eyes fluttering open and closed a couple times as I accidentally backed myself into the wall. My head lightly bounced off of the brick and I noticed for the first time how often I did that when I was with Rikert. I was always being slammed into the wall and smacking my head roughly off of it. It was a wonder I didn’t have brain damage yet.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Rikert demanded.
His voice wasn’t even raised. He wasn’t yelling at all. Instead, he was eerily calm and I knew it wasn’t going to last. Rikert was putting an effort into not screaming at me. I was grateful as well as afraid at the same time. My heart pounded against my ribcage and I stared at the floor, unable to breath and slack-jawed.
“You are my boyfriend, Caise. You answer my calls and you answer my texts. Everybody knows we’re together now,” he hissed. “You can’t just run off and leave me hanging. Now you sure as hell better not make me look bad. What the hell are you thinking?”
“I’m sorry,” I insisted as sincerely as I could. “I was sick yesterday and I slept the whole time.” It was a lie and we both knew it. We also both knew my next words were going to be another lie before they even left my lips. “And my phone died and the charger broke.”
Rikert laughed shortly but he wasn’t amused in the slightest. “Why do you always lie to me?” He grabbed my ear roughly and yanked my head to make me look at him. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly as the pain seeped into my body. “All it does is piss me off more. And look at me when I’m speaking to you, damn it.”
I forced my eyes open and I looked into his green orbs. This was the first time I looked at him today, and his eyes were full of anger, but that wasn’t what caused my jaw to drop or the gasp to fall from my lips. No, it was the dark purple bruise surrounding his left eye that made my heart clench and my knees go weak. Somebody had hit him. And it hadn’t been an accident or gentle at all.
“What happ--?” I started to say.
“Don’t even,” Rikert snapped angrily. “You are not changing the subject.” He tugged on my ear again and I whimpered in pain. He ignored the sound and threatened, “You aren’t leaving this spot until you tell me why you ignored my calls and messages, Caise.”
I gulped in air and felt tears brim at the waterline of my eyes. I waited a moment, trying to get the courage to say what I really wanted to. When I did speak, it was hardly audible, causing Rikert to twist my ear and make me repeat myself.
“I don’t want to do that again,” I said slightly louder.
Rikert let go of my ear and used that hand to push my chin up so I made eye contact with him. His expression switched from fury to a mixture of confusion and fading anger.
“What?”
“S-Saturday,” I whispered. “I don’t want to have sex like that again. Please.”
Rikert knitted his eyebrows together. It seemed like all his anger had dissipated instantly and he was now simply perplexed as he studied my face. “What are you talking about? You liked it; I know you did. You were hard and moaning and everything.”
My face lit up like a tomato and I flicked my eyes away. I was ashamed that what he said was true. But how could I not have been? I was used to his touch and the intimate things he did to me. Of course my body would react like that even if my mind was in turmoil all throughout it.
I tried to shake my head and he moved his hand so that it was now up against the wall next to my head. “I didn’t like it. I asked you to stop,” I said quietly. “I’m not doing something like that again.”
Rikert narrowed his eyes and brought his other hand up so I was pinned against the wall between his hands. He moved forward, pressing his body close to mine so we were barely touching. He smirked at me and my face fell even further. I really felt like I was going to be sick now.
“Go ahead. Say it again,” he pushed.
“I-I won’t do it,” I said weakly.
I turned my head away when his breath fell across my stuttering lips. His own full lips touched my jaw and he started to kiss me there. My throat closed up and my entire body went rigid and tense. He moved down to suck on my neck. It started to hurt and I immediately knew I was going to have a hickey there. Rikert was being far from gentle as his teeth and lips bruised my naturally tan skin.
“Again,” he urged, clearly teasing me now. “Tell me what you won’t do, will you, sweetheart?”
I swallowed, refusing to let him win this. My voice shook and I wanted to cry. “I don’t want to have sex outside. Not where there’s people. You can’t make me do it.”
I felt his lips curl into a smile against my neck. He pulled back and I took a deep breath in an attempt to steady myself. His proximity was dizzying. It wasn’t fair. Rikert knew exactly what his presence and his scent could do to me. I think that’s why I was always so pliant and obedient for him. I really was in love with him and I wanted to please him as best as I could. But everybody had their limits. And I just learned mine the hard way.
Rikert’s finger on one of his hands flew up to my face and traced the contours teasingly. The touch was so light that it sent shivers of pleasure up my spine. I hated myself for the reaction. I was trying to be serious with him. I was so fucking pathetic.
Next thing I knew, I was a gasping mess as his other hand slithered down between us and firmly cupped my groin through my jeans. He pushed me up against the wall tightly and added more pressure to my now-growing bulge. I blinked and breathed heavily as I lost myself in the green sea of his eyes.
“Now, babe,” he whispered sweetly to me, “that’s the thing. You want this, I know you always do.”
He moved his hand and popped the button on the waistband of my pants. I couldn’t move; I felt paralyzed, sinking further and further into a daze as his eyes held onto mine. I faintly heard the zipper going down and then his hand slipped inside my boxer briefs. I gasped and mewled desperately--eyes fluttering, trying to stay open and to keep me in check.
“And,” he continued. “I don’t think it’s really your place to say.”
Rikert curled his fingers tightly around me and my heart stopped for a moment. He tugged on me sharply upwards once, and held his hand still. I tried to move up onto my tiptoes but he kept pulling his hand further up until I stopped.
“We have sex when I want.”
His eyes were still boring into mine and my face was nearly blank if it wasn’t for the sensations his hand was sending through my body. His voice grew huskier and I strained to make sure I heard every single word he spoke.
“We have sex where I want. It’s not all about you,” he said, a smile as sweet as his voice playing at his lips. “It’s my choice and you don’t get to pick or have an opinion about it. You do as I tell you.”
Rikert loosened his hold on me and my feet fell flat against the ground once more. His hand followed inside my underwear and he jerked up and down in sharp, quick movements. I practically threw my hands to his shoulders. My fingers twisted in the fabric of his shirt so I could steady myself. I looked back at him, eyes begging for something--anything. I felt like I hadn’t blinked in hours.
“You got that?” he asked. My mouth was gaping open slightly and I nodded frantically. Rikert leaned forward, breaking eye contact, and placed his hot mouth against my ear. “You better.”
I gulped and my eyes went shut instantly. His hand never stilled and I felt like I was going to pass out. Rikert’s movements weren’t enough, but they were sending me into some sort of shock all the same. His lips found mine and he shoved his tongue into my mouth, demanding and rough. I moaned loudly and I was thankful that the sound was muffled by both his mouth and the walls of the room.
Rikert kissed me and pulled back and forth on my erection for what felt like forever. It was too slow, but the kiss was too fast and I was slumped against him. My knees were a quivering mess and my mind was a blank slate. I couldn’t think or move or speak. I knotted my hands in his shirt and his hair and I begged him with my bucking hips to go harder or faster or something.
When the warning bell went off I almost burst into tears. Rikert let go of me completely as soon as he heard the sound. His hand was abruptly gone from my pants and he stepped away from me. I fell and tripped over the piano bench. I violently hit my shin on it and landed on my knees on the hard tile. I winced and cried out in pain from the impact. My last bruises were still there and now I was painfully aware of that fact. I probably wouldn’t be able to forget it all day.
Rikert ignored me as he strode to the door. He flipped the lock over so he could get out and then turned back to look at me where I was kneeling on the ground and looking absolutely disheveled and disgusting.
“Lose your attitude and don’t talk back to me. Remember what I told you,” he said, speaking evenly. He fixed me with a hard, warning stare. “And don’t you dare take care of that on your own.”
I followed where he was pointing and looked down at myself. The top of my dick was sticking out of the elastic waistband of my boxer briefs and was being pressed flat against my stomach. My skin was wet and sticky from it where my shirt had ridden up. I flushed a bright red and looked back at Rikert with wide, pleading eyes. He shook his head, chuckling a little before he pulled the door open and walked out, leaving me hard, humiliated, and completely alone.
I swallowed thickly, once again ashamed of myself. I was too afraid to take care of my problem for a couple reasons. The most obvious was that I knew for a fact Rikert would find out. I couldn’t lie to him. He always saw right through it. But the other reason was that I was in school and I was scared that someone might walk in or hear. There was no way I could risk that.
So I did my best to tuck myself back inside my boxers and do my jeans back up so that the hard bulge was less noticeable. I winced, trying to control myself. I wanted nothing more than to finish it off because it was so sensitive after Rikert had gotten done that it was painful to just leave it like this. But that was exactly what I did. I just sat on the floor, with my bag over my lap, waiting for my erection to go away and hoping nobody came into the room.
As the bell rang to signal the start of the first lesson, I dropped my head down in shame. Nothing had gone the way it was supposed to. No, Rikert wasn’t angry with me anymore, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t in trouble. And I was even more horrified that he would make me do something else that was sexual in public. I bit my lip until it bled a little. I never should have tried to talk to him about it. Maybe he was right and it wasn’t my place.
A tear rolled down my cheek. I was so fucking stupid.
And that fucking black eye of his. Even with everything he did, it was tearing me up inside to know that he was being hurt. I was so weak. And a hypocrite to top it off. I let him hit me, but yet whenever I saw a bruise or a mark on him I wanted to cry. He was supposed to be strong and invincible. He wasn’t supposed to be getting knocked around by someone. That was me.
I hated the thought that it was more than likely his dad who had punched him. I dwelled on the fact that he probably got hit because Rikert had outed us. I wanted people to know, but I didn’t want him getting beaten up for it. More tears fell down my face and I swiped at them fiercely.
I was screwed up. Rikert was screwed up. I had gotten myself into a mess. And unfortunately I knew it was one that was bigger than I could ever imagine handling.
I was so fucked.