Chapter 36 - Alyssa.
Christmas Eve comes by very quickly. I'm surprised when my mum opens my bedroom door while I'm wrapping Jack's present to reveal Katy, who looks quite cold but is smiling in this kind of infectious way - like she used to do before the forest thing.
I put down my scissors and cello tape, then watch as my mother leaves and Katy sits down on the bed.
"I thought you'd be with Jack," Katy announces first. Then she looks over at what I'm doing and I stand up, going to sit down next to her.
"No. I think he must be busy with his family, right now."
We watch eachother for a while and I realise I haven't had much girl time with Katy. I haven't had much girl time with anyone else either. I hardly contact Zara or Reina from high school anymore, and at university I see Irene quite a bit but Anthony and Martin are always around.
"Maybe we should go shopping or something soon?" I ask Katy randomly.
She slowly smiles, then nods. "Yeah. It was good when we went to London."
We look at eachother for a while - a long time - until suddenly Katy seems to crumble and she slowly sighs.
"I'm sorry. About that day when Niall and I were in the forest. I'm sorry I was awful to you. And he was, too."
"Forget it. Jack just made a big deal out of it," I whisper. I don't want to talk about things like this.
"He had every right to." Katy shakes her head and then lays a hand on my arm. "I'm sorry. And . . . I really did appreciate it. Thank you."
Sometimes I wonder whether I care at the wrong moments. It seems that I care about things that hardly anyone else does, but now I don't care at all about the whole forest thing and it seems that Jack and Katy really did.
Why am I such an anomaly?
-
Katy goes after a while, saying that she had to help her parents with making dinner for Christmas Eve. In her place it seems, Jack arrives on my doorstep and I grab my coat and scarf then pull him along, away from the house to somewhere we can get away.
I don't know if he wanted that, but I do.
"Will I see you tomorrow?" He whispers, as our hands swing while we walk. I lean closer to him, noticing the slight pinkness of his cheeks from the cold.
I nod. "Yes. I'm coming round with presents for everyone."
He looks down at me and I see apprehension slowly appearing on his face. I don't ask what he's thinking about.
I lean up to kiss him, and it's cold, fresh. Then I ask, "How's your nose?"
Jack grins and then pulls me along to start walking again. "It feels somewhat normal. Still hurts a bit."
I wrap my arm around his, shivering slightly. Closing my eyes, I imagine we could be an elderly couple in loads of years' time, walking along like this one future Christmas Eve.
"What are you thinkin' about?" Jack whispers, and I open my eyes again. Still walking. Still breathing.
"Us. Doing this again. Just walking."
"When we're old?"
I look up at him and try to imagine my Jack as an old man, but I can't. Just end up laughing. "Yes, maybe."
"I love you." He grins, and then stops again. I close my eyes tight as I see him leaning down to kiss me, and he strokes my cold cheek with his cold hand as our lips move against eachother sort of hungrily, his hands now on my waist and mine around his neck.
Suddenly I want more.
I grab his hand and run and laughing, he follows. The ground is very dry and when we both tilt our heads back to the sky is full of snow. So snowy, so white.
We run and run and I don't know where to but we pass all these places; a man carrying a turkey from his car to his front door, two little girls racing along on their bikes shouting for snow, an old lady with her probable grandson walking along laid down with shopping.
I pull Jack into the forest and keep going. We jump over logs and crack twigs and scamper over rocks, until we reach a clearing and Jack pulls my waist to crash against his, his lips latching onto mine, the toe of each of his shoe meeting mine. I kiss him; kiss him with all I have because I do love this boy, I really love Jack Hart and everything that is wrong with him and everything that isn't.
"Merry Christmas," he whispers after a while, the very ends of his fingers brush against my hairline, at the side of my face.
I close my eyes as our noses rest against each other. "Merry Christmas, Jack."
And that's when I see the first drop of snow land on his shoulder, and slowly melt into the material of his coat.
-
When we get back home it seems that everyone has arranged a sledging trip. Standing on my drive are Phillip, Stella, and Jess, all wrapped up in their woollen attire.
Then I see Katy and Niall pulling a plastic blue sledge along as they walk towards us, and then Dan and a pretty girl with white-blonde hair (must be his girlfriend) run out of Jack's house with a bright red one.
"The snow is sticking so we're making the most of it!" Stella announces with a big grin. I laugh and then tell them to all wait before darting inside and grabbing my gloves. My parents are sitting on the couch watching a Christmas cooking program and seem to have no problem that everyone is congregating in front of our house. I smile and wave as I go out, then run over to Jack, almost slipping on the already thin layer of snow as I grab his arm again.
"No time to waste!" Jess shouts out.
"Lets go." Niall looks strangely excited.
I make sure Phillip has our sledge before we all begin to troop down to the park.
The slopes are already beginning to become full and the lake is frozen over. Jack's cheeks look pink with the cold and I take his bare hands, rubbing them with my glove-clad ones.
"Where are your gloves?"
He looks sheepish. "I don't have any."
"You'll freeze!" I reply, then pull him along quickly - as quickly as I can up the steep hill. I laugh as he scoops me up and then starts to run after his siblings up the slope, so I look down at the bottom of the park and enjoy the view.
"We'd never have got to the top otherwise," he tells me cheekily after setting me down at the top. He looks around at the others as I nudge him in the ribs. "Who's going first?"
Phillip appears, red faced and panting after climbing. "Can someone hold my sledge while I sit on it and get ready?" His eyes are wide with enthusiasm.
Soon enough all of us are racing down the hill, taking it in turns. Whenever Phillip isn't on a sledge he is running after the person on one, probably to try and keep warm. After a while, Dan's girlfriend Christie starts to look sort of sick. She sits down slowly on a wooden post at the side.
"You alright?" I ask, going over to her slowly. I'm panting from having just been on a super fast ride down the hill with Jack, who was almost falling off the sledge.
"Fine." She barely looks at me, but she doesn't seem fine. I purse my lips and look back at the others; slowly, Jess makes her way through the snow towards me.
"Alyssa, I'm getting really cold," she whispers. I nod and tell her that I am too, before looking over and Dan who is walking with a sledge up to the top of the hill.
"Do you want to go back to the house?" I ask Christie awkwardly. I look at her red hands, and wonder why she hasn't got gloves. Then I look at her soaked Converse and take my gloves off, handing them to her.
"I said I'm fine." All I get in return is a glare, so I shrug and step back, putting my gloves back on.
"Okay."
I walk away from her with Jess, who starts to pull faces.
"I said I'm fine!" She imitates Christie in a high-pitched, whiny voice, scrunching up her face. I try not to laugh.
"I don't like her!" She goes on loudly.
"Alright, sshh," I whisper, then smile slightly. I can't help it. Katy looks over at us and rolls her eyes. Beside her, Phillip is laughing as he watches Niall struggle to sit down on his sledge. On either side of Niall are Dan and Jack.
"They're having a race!" Phillip calls out. Then he runs down to the bottom of the hill where Stella is standing, and goes to stand a few metres apart from her. They are the finish line.
"Alright, boys!" Katy yells. "On your marks, get set . . . Go!"
They all zoom off down the hill, Dan in first place. I laugh as he starts to move to the left, towards Niall, who is yelling for him to get out of the way but the sledges are uncontrollable. They crash, and beside me Jess winces, then giggles, rubbing her gloved hands together. I'm starting to feel the cold too.
Because he hasn't crashed, Jack crosses Stella and Phillip first, pumping his fist in the air and shouting out. As he stands up, we all cheer, and with a smug grin he walks past Dan and Niall who are lying in the snow laughing.
"Well done!" I sing as he reaches us at the top, then laughs and puts the sledge down.
I can't help but look back at Christie. She stands there, shifting from foot to foot and rubbing her hands together frantically. As soon as Dan reaches the top I whisper, "Christie doesn't look very well. Maybe you should go and see what's wrong with her." He nods. And after a while of Phillip and Jess and Katy sledging down the hill, I see them begin to walk away down the hill - too far to hear what they are saying. But Dan has his arm around her.
"I don't like her," Jack whispers to me as the pair of us watch them. "I thought she was alright at first and she made herself out to be thick. But she's not; she's good at manipulating him."
"I thought so too," I mumble, as Jack wraps his arm around my waist. I lean in to him and then cheer as Phillip flies over a small bump in the hill, his sledge leaving the blanket of show for a few seconds.
I reach for Jack's hand which is resting against my hipbone, then slowly rub it. He must be freezing, but he wasn't looking all sad like Christie. I'm thinking maybe I should have got him a coat better than the one he's wearing for Christmas.
"I'm fine," he tells me, with raised eyebrows. Sighing, I wrap my arms around him, squeezing his waist tightly. After a few seconds he smiles mysteriously before I feel a shock of cold as his hand slides under the back of my coat, resting just above my back side. I look up at him and laugh.
"Just warming up," he says with a smooth grin, then runs his other hand under my coat too. I can't help but laugh from the coldness of it and the way he's looking at me, and quickly when no one is looking, I lean up to kiss him deeply.
"Love you."
"I love you too," he whispers, then closes his eyes as his lips brush against mine.
-
Christmas Day goes by in a blur - waking up to presents from my family, all of us exchanging gifts in our dressing gowns, Phillip and I playing with his new video game while our parents make dinner, which turns out to be delicious.
I eat until I am full to bursting, and in the middle of dessert (Christmas pudding with cream) Niall and Katy turn up on the doorstep. I hand them both their presents and they give me theirs - I get a huge Killers poster and a photo album to add to my collection from Niall, and Katy gives me an expensive-looking bookmark and some butterflies made from a thin, glittery material to hang on my wall which look almost real. They're beautiful.
Afterwards I trek out in the snow to Jack's house while my parents and brother are engrossed watching About A Boy. I knock on the door and it opens almost immediately to reveal a grinning Dan, for some reason wearing his coat. I almost suffocate as he pulls me into a hug, and the presents I have brought them all go tumbling onto the floor, except Jack's very large vinyl record player.
"Happy Christmas!" I shout out, as Dan finally releases me. He helps me to pick up all the presents and then I press the one I have brought for him into his hand.
"Merry Christmas. We were just actually gonna come over to yours," he replies with a grin. From the kitchen I can hear Christmas carols floating into the hall as Dan takes his coat off.
Jess comes running forwards out of nowhere, then reaches up to hug my waist, smiling. I laugh and hug her back, giving her her present too, just as Jack wanders out from the kitchen door, and gosh his smile could light up a Christmas tree. I can't help but run my eyes over his unruly dark hair and good-natured, well-chiseled face, as he walks forwards, extending his arms.
Jess ducks out of the way as he kisses my forehead and wraps an arm around my waist. Closing my eyes, I feel Dan's presence disappear and allow myself to snuggle into Jack's warm shoulder - it seems that warmth is radiating from under the thin cotton of his blue t-shirt.
"I got you something," I mumble after a while - Jack takes all the presents for me and I take off my coat before getting led into the kitchen.
Stella is dancing around the table with her dad as they both clean up what looks like the remnants of a good Christmas dinner. Stella rushes over with a smile equally as bright as Jack's and I hand her her present.
"Thank you! I'll be right back - getting your present too!" She exclaims breathlessly.
It takes about half an hour for everyone to exchange gifts and unwrap and open them. Dan looks pleased with the watch I get him, and Stella loves the nail varnish and eyeliner set I got for her (all different colours, the way she likes it). Jess actually cheers when she takes out all the bracelets I bought for her, along with the collection of coloured gel pens.
Jack opens his last. His eyes grow as wide as saucers as he tears the paper off the record player, then slowly they flicker upwards to meet mine.
"Shit, this is brilliant!" He exclaims, then winces when his dad tells him off for swearing from over in the corner.
"Is that a turn table?" Dan leans over his shoulder to stare at the thing. "Cool!"
Jack grins, and won't stop staring from me to the record player.
"I couldn't find any records, though," I admit awkwardly. "Sorry about that."
"It's fine!" Jack laughs and then leans over to hug me tightly. "I love it, Alyssa." After he leans back, he takes the small package which is the mix tape out and begins to unwrap it. With it I put a card which had all the names of the songs on, and I see his face light up all over again when he begins to read them.
"God! This is brilliant. I've got a cassette player, thankfully. In the car."
"That's why I got it you." I laugh. "Thought I might go a bit vintage."
"What- how do you even play tapes?" Stella asks confusedly, her eyes meeting mine. "So confusing."
Their dad joins us on the sofa beside me, chuckling. "Not really. I had tons of those tapes. Still do."
Jack looks up at me and grins, before standing up and holding out his hand for me. "D'you want to go for a drive?"
"Ooooh, romantic," Jess sings, beginning to giggle, before Jack quickly stuffs a pillow in her face and her arms reach out to grab him. He narrowly escapes being taken down by a seven year old.
I laugh, feeling my cheeks heating up. A part of me wants to stay here in the warmth but the other part can understand why Jack might want to get away. So I slowly nod and take his hand, his slightly rough palm brushing against mine as I stand up.
"We'll back soon," Jack announces, and I watch as his father nods at him and for a second, it feels like in a different dimension they are having a conversation that me and the other three cannot understand.
My coat is still cold as I put it on agin. Jack grabs his too, and then pulls me outside, both of us sliding down the driveway to his car. He has the mixtape in the hand that isn't holding mine, and when he opens my door I can't help but lean up and kiss him hurriedly, and he pulls me into a deeper kiss - so deep that I have to break away first, my eyes wide and my mouth turned upwards.
Driving through slush-filled roads is no problem. We sit there beside each other as the first song on the tape starts to play - There Ain't Nothing About You.
"Definitely our song," Jack announces with a grin. My mind flashes back to the other day when Yellow by Coldplay came on and I just had to turn it off.
I can't afford to think about stupid Will right now, though.
I make myself grin back as Jack cranks up the volume and the heating, too. His hand slides over to rest on my thigh; thumb slowly rubbing over the denim on my leg. I close my eyes and all of a sudden we decidedly and simultaneously begin to sing.
I open my eyes again after the first chorus and hits me where we are going - along the same winding roads we did a few months ago, slowly driving up and up and higher and higher.
"The Overlook," I breathe out. The snow around here is deep; way too deep for my car to attempt, but Jack's is strong and big and knows what it is doing, like its driver.
Jack is silent. Every so often he looks over at me and his emerald eyes hold a rare type of smile - a smile which can only be shown with the eyes. I try to do it back, but I'm curling my mouth up and he isn't.
He is just so beautiful.
The engine continues to run when we reach the top. Gone are the wild, high stalks of pale grass and the grey boulders and rare violets - now the place is an untouched winter desert, the snow soft and fluffy-looking. I turn to look at Jack as his eyes wander, out into the open, up onto the snow-capped hills which meet the white sky in the distance.
Then he slides a small package into my lap.
"I . . . It's kind of rubbish compared to your present." His voice is no louder than a whisper, and I reach out for his hand to silence him. In the silence, his fingers slowly intertwine with mine and his palm brushes against mine again, just like last time, the touch a small I love you, gone as quickly as it came.
"I have a feeling it will be beautiful," I murmur as warm air blows onto our faces, the heating making me shiver more than I should.
Then I unwrap the package. Already I received a huge chocolate reindeer from Dan, a whole moisturising gift set from The Body Shop from Stella, and a pretty silver necklace with a hot air balloon pendant on from Jess.
I grin as the first thing that falls into my lap is an interesting instrument, but I know what it is because I've seen one before - a tiny reading lamp that you clip to the page of books. I can't stop grinning, as I pull out a huge packet of luminous stars - he remembered the collection on my ceiling! - and then finally one feather peeps out of underneath the wrapping paper.
"Um- that's kind of delicate," Jack mumbles. I glance up at him to see him watching me with his jaw tight, his brow furrowed - his whole face a picture of anxiety.
I squeeze his hand once more before pulling out an entire blue and purple absolutely beautiful dream-catcher.
"Oh my gosh! That's beautiful." I can't help myself from gasping out so . . . Girlishly. Jack immediately relaxes and exhales, his shoulders slumping, and then smiles as I look closer at the stars and reading lamp.
"Thank you," I whisper, before pulling him close, our lips brushing as Nico and the Velvet Underground play in the background.
And then I can't pull away. I'm sucked in. I kiss Jack with something I'm sure is close to hunger, and he takes his time while I am eager and desperate and reckless. Teasing me. First he kisses my bottom lip alone, then my top lip, and then outlines both my lips with little tiny kisses, peppering them against my mouth.
The moan is wrenched from my throat before I even realise, and that's all it takes for Jack to pull me into his knee. It isn't like the movies, where people seem to fit inside a small space perfectly - it's awkward and cramped and I am definitely testing my flexibility as I sit there on my knees. But it's everything like I imagined it would be when Jack's hand caresses its way up the front of my shirt, trembling ever so slightly against my skin.
I want to notice but don't want to notice when his very fingertips skim the very bottom of my bra. Something catches in my throat and I can feel him slowing down - just feel it - and I don't want him to, so I very slowly edge down the zip of his jacket.
"Alyssa."
"What?"
"I need to tell you something," Jack whispers, his breath hot against mine, his lips brushing against the corner of mine, and my insides tremble when I get the flashback - the déjà vu.
It's as it was with Will and even though this is Jack and I don't want to be comparing them, or anything to do with them, that is what Will said on our first day of university, in my room.
And I told him to wait.
Jack is staring at me as I lean away, frowning. I can't think about it - I don't want to expect it - not now, not here. Will wanted to tell me something and I said no, and then the next morning he told me about all those other girls.
Is that what he had wanted to tell me before he took my virginity?
Anger rises up inside of me - at me, for not having realised it, and at him, because he should have pressed harder and he should have made himself tell me, he should've made me stop.
And Jack wants to tell me something now, too?
It's not going to he like Will, is it?
"What?"
My voice is small, and his fingers slowly caress my cheek, his eyes soft. It can't be repeated again. It can't happen. Here we are, trying to regain our breath inside a steamed-up car on a wonderful Christmas Day evening and I hope hope hope that Jack isn't going to let me down too.
Otherwise I will break.
"Hold on- What's wrong?" Jack leans close to me again and I can't help but lean back.
He frowns along with me.
"What- nothing," I stammer. "Just tell me. What do you wanna say?"
My heart is pounding in my throat, as he stares at me with those emerald eyes looking so soft and serious. Like he's going to break bad news.
And finally, he murmurs, "I just- I never want to leave you, ever. And if you ever leave me, I'll be heartbroken. I've never said that to anyone before but I'm saying it now because that's the way things are and . . . God, I fucking fucking love you, Alyssa. And I love you and love you and I wish you knew how much."
The relief is so overwhelming that my arms begin to shake, then it feels as if all strength and power is taken from me as I collapse against him, my head against his shoulder. Then I shift position to wrap my legs around his waist and his lips go kissing down my neck.
"I couldn't ever leave you," I whisper. Then I'm gasping as Jack is kissing below my neck, down to my collarbone, and very so very so softly sucking, and my hand slides uncontrollably down his chest as he leans his head against my chest.
"Do that . . . Again," I whisper, closing my eyes. I don't sound like me; I don't sound like Alyssa, as my entire chest tightens and every beat of my heart echoes inside my ears and pulses through my entire body. And Jack kisses all the way behind my ear, the kisses very hot. Moving his head down, he kisses all around the neckline of my shirt, then begins to gently suck again.
After some time he leans up to slowly rest his forehead and nose right against mine, smiling. I laugh breathlessly, then kiss him swiftly.
"Never done that before?" Jack's voice his husky and low as he whispers against my lips. I slowly shake my head, and touch the area of my skin that he focused on. I find myself shivering.
So Jack pulls me into his arms, wrapping my coat back around my shoulders - I don't know when it came off - and we are huddled and snuggled together just like we should be, in a tiny warm sanctuary from the cold, for just a little while.
---
Hey :) Sorry for the wait for this chapter, I've been quite busy recently (went to London with school and had a lot of exams before that) but it's gonna be alright because I only have two and a half days of school left now :) So glad summer is here! It's actually kind of weird writing about Christmas when it's summer here haha
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope that you have a wonderful day/night. :D