"Zeke, wake up, man. You're going to be late for the wedding."
Zeke opened his eyes slowly. It felt like a couple of semi-trucks had driven over his head. Looking around he realized that the sun had climbed pretty far up in the sky. He estimated it was somewhere around late morning. He also appeared to be lying down in a gutter in nothing but his underwear and a pair of bright pink socks. Max was standing over him wearing a pastel blue tuxedo.
"Where the hell did you go anyway?" Max asked. "The rest of us regrouped outside the club after we all got kicked out. We stopped in several bars looking for you, but we couldn't find you."
"Uh, I honestly can't remember anything after we arrived at the club," Zeke said as he sat up and held his pounding head. "I remember something about Bad Decisions and then not much else. How did I end up here?"
"Hell if I know," Max shrugged. "I was heading over to the Buttermoss Gardens for the wedding and I saw you passed out there in the gutter. But don't worry, I'm sure your night was uneventful."
"What happened to my clothes?" Zeke asked.
"I don't know, but lucky for you I have a tuxedo for you, since you're one of the groomsmen." Max reached into his jacket and pulled out a wadded up blue bundle. "Put that on and let's get going."
"I feel like death," Zeke said as he donned the wrinkled tuxedo. "How are you so chipper? Did you get a good night's sleep?"
"Sleep?" Max blinked his eyes. "I haven't slept. I've been drinking non-stop since last night. Speaking of which, I see you still have my flask. Good, I was looking for that." He grabbed the flask out of Zeke's hand and took a swig off of it. "Doesn't look like you left me very much. But that's okay. There's sure to be booze at the reception. I'll refill it there. Now come on, I have a wedding to preside over."
*
They arrived at the Buttermoss Gardens several minutes later. A small crowd was gathered in a lush grassy field. They appeared to be re-using their lawn chairs from yesterday for seating. Zeke took his place with the groomsmen in between Timmy and Cuthbert.
"You made it," Timmy said with a look of surprise.
"Yeah," Zeke said as he squinted in the sunlight, which seemed about a thousand times brighter than normal. "What in the bloody hell is that high-pitched noise?"
"Oh, that's the singing trees," Timmy said. "They grow here in the gardens. We intentionally set up here at a decent distance so they'd provide background music for the ceremony."
"Somebody needs to turn them down a couple notches," Zeke said. He looked over and saw Bobby standing by the altar. He looked a little nervous, but wide-eyed and well groomed.
"Who's bright idea was it to have the wedding the day after the bachelor party?" Zeke asked. "And why do you guys all look like you're doing decently well? I feel like a couple of anvils got dropped on my head."
"Bobby and Cindy wanted to get married as soon as they possibly could," Timmy shrugged. "That Dr. Octavius guy gave us something he called pep juice and it really helped."
"I could use some of that stuff right about now," Zeke said. He spotted Sarah sitting out in the audience next to Maurice and attempted to get her attention. She scowled at him and then turned her head, refusing to look back at him. "What crawled in to her panties?" Zeke asked. He looked around some more and saw Milosh sitting by himself. The alien smiled and jumped out of his chair when he made eye contact. He ran over and gave Zeke a big hug. "Is good to see Zeke. Hugs for Milosh."
"Where's the other Milosh?" Zeke asked. "And where's Sadie?"
"Took off in spaceship this morning. Is halfway across galaxy by now."
"They just left?" Zeke said.
"Captain man was very eager to take off," Milosh said. "Other Milosh go with spaceship. I stay here. Miloshes share mind, so experience more that way."
"That makes sense, I guess," Zeke said. "I can't believe Sadie didn't want to say goodbye to me."
"Is mad at you, I think," Milosh said.
"She's mad at me? What the hell did I do?" Zeke said.
"Does not know. On plus side, is beautiful day for wedding, no?"
"It's a little bright out," Zeke said. "Kind of hot, too."
"Wedding reminds me... Milosh has been thinking. Is much bigger universe out there than Milosh realized when only seen Ingleblott. Is not sure if Milosh should be tied down to just one person."
"What are you saying?" Zeke asked.
"Is not you. Is Milosh. Does not think we should be married anymore. Has already performed divorce ritual back on Ingleblott."
"Does that mean what I think it means?" Zeke asked.
"Milosh and Zeke are no longer married. Is very sorry."
"Well, that's a relief," Zeke said. "At least something good happened today. I mean, besides Bobby and Cindy getting married, of course."
"Hopes we can still be friends," Milosh said.
"Yeah, you got it, Milosh. We can for sure be friends."
"Is going to return to seat now before wedding ceremony starts." He hugged Zeke again and then hugged the rest of the groomsmen and Bobby as well before walking back to his lawn chair.
Max was standing behind a podium fumbling with some notes when Cindy began walking down the aisle. She was wearing a flowing white dress and carried a large bouquet of colorful flowers. There was no noticeable change in the music, since it was being provided by singing trees who presumably had no interest in the proceedings. Somehow everyone in the crowd figured out they should stand up when she arrived. She made her way to the front and stood next to Bobby who gulped nervously.
"All right, let's get this show on the road," Max said. "The best part of weddings is the reception afterwards, so the sooner we get through this part, the sooner we can get to the fun stuff. Ladies, gentlemen, others. The honor has befallen upon me to preside over the nuptials of my good friend Bobby here and his lady friend. What was your name again, sweetheart?"
"Cindy," she whispered to him.
"Oh yeah, Cindy. I knew that. Actually I knew a girl named Cindy back in boarding school. Man, she was a wild one. She could drink me under the table, which is no mean feat. Also I'm pretty sure she hooked up with the entire polo team. Which, I realize, is not particularly relevant to the situation at hand. When I first met Bobby, he was a bit of a lost soul. He seems happy now, which is good. I hope it lasts. Statistics say fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, but hopefully you kids will be one of the ones that makes it for the long haul. Fifty percent chance. That's slightly better than betting on black at the roulette wheel. So long story short, you listen to what she says, and you try not to nag him too much and I'm sure you'll be fine. If not, well at least marriage doesn't have to be forever. You always do have the old divorce option I mentioned, or I would anyway if my wife would grant me one. But that's neither here nor there. The point is you two have chosen to get hitched and that's a brave decision. I don't know whether to commend you or pity you, but today my job is to make it happen. So do you guys have your rings or what?"
"I've got the rings right here," Timmy said holding up a box, which he promptly dropped. The rings rolled underneath the podium.
"Oh, for crying out loud," Max said. "Does anybody here have small hands?"
"I do," Cuthbert volunteered. He got down on his tummy and reached underneath the podium. He emerged with both rings and a crumbled up flyer for a takeout squid pasta joint.
"All right, quick before somebody loses those things again. You put the ring on his finger. You put the other ring on her finger. Kiss the bride and we'll call this sucker a marriage."
They exchanged rings and then Bobby planted a long kiss on his bride. The crowd erupted in cheers.
"All right, now that that's taken care of, let's get the party started," Max said. "This reception has an open bar, right? Bobby you owe me some drinks anyway as I recall."
Zeke was starting to walk over to congratulate Bobby when he noticed the faces in the audience were all staring up at the sky. He turned his head to look.
Thousands of doorways as far as the eye could see were materializing in the air overhead. They opened up slowly and then a horde of demons, devils, and chihuahuas started pouring out.
"What the heck's going on?" Timmy said with his mouth hanging wide open in astonishment.
"I think we're being invaded," Zeke said as he watched the first of the demon army touch down on the ground and begin racing towards them.