Time seemed to slow down and then stop entirely. There was a sense of great heaviness and then no feeling of weight at all. Instead, Zeke felt as if he were stretching out. His eyes were closed, yet there was a sense not unlike vision. He could feel his lips on Sadie's lips. Indeed, he felt like he could sense every last little nerve ending firing up. More than that, actually. He was aware of every single molecule inside her lips. Every last atom.
He could feel her body pressed against his. There was a sensation as if they were merging together. There was no Zeke and Sadie as separate entities. They were one physical, eternal object. His body felt like it was stretching out infinitely. His feet felt like they were billions of miles beneath him, while the top of his head felt like it was trillions of miles above him. Even with his eyes closed he could "see" his body extending off into the distance forever. It was wrapped around Sadie's body, which was also expanding into the unseen distance. They were like two infinitely stretched out, intertwined rubber bands.
If anyone else was around, Zeke couldn't tell. He was only aware of himself and Sadie, although the distinctions between them were becoming increasingly blurred. He tried hard to think about it, but it was unclear where Zeke ended and Sadie began. It was strange, but it felt right. It felt like they had existed like this forever. It felt like this was the only thing that existed. The only thing that ever had existed. They had always been like this. They always would be.
Zeke was having trouble remembering just who or what "Zeke" was. There was only this moment. This kiss. This wonderful, epic kiss that stretched out across all eternity. He discovered he was starting to fathom things. Profound cosmic things of great importance. He understood the significance of everything. Every last little thing made utter and complete sense. Because there was nothing. Nothing except Zeke and Sadie and the unending unified thing they had become.
And then it ended.
There was a sound like a cork being pulled out of a bottle and everything resolved back into normal reality. The cabin of the Starswan took on its regular dimensions once more and Zeke became "Zeke" again.
Sadie broke away from the kiss. "What just happened?"
"That was amazing," Zeke said just before he saw Trey's fist make contact with his face.
*
Zeke woke up in a small bed in a darkened room. Milosh was there, pressing a cool washcloth against his face.
"What's going on?" Zeke asked blearily.
"Zeke is awake!" Milosh said. "Joyous day! Hugs for Milosh." Milosh grabbed Zeke's head and squeezed it against his chest.
"Ow!" Zeke said. "That hurts like hell."
"Oops. Milosh is very sorry. The Sunblaze man punched you several times in the face. Zeke has two black eyes, a bloody nose, and a fat lip."
"Wait a minute. We're alive? We made it through the black hole? Are we in another universe?"
"Captain Torean thinks so," Milosh said. "The one called Nulfar says so, too. So does the goat. He started talking."
Zeke touched his face gingerly. "Is that all Trey's got? I've bounced back from worse than this before. Besides, it's worth it. He'll never kiss her as epically or cosmically as I just did. Unless, of course, he takes her through another black hole. That jerk would probably do it, just out of spite."
The door opened and Zannah poked her head in. "Zeke, you've woken up. Sorry about the beating you took. Trey can be a little possessive sometimes."
"I'll be all right," Zeke said as he sat up in the bed. "So everyone came through the black hole all right?"
"Yes, everyone seems to have come through the black hole unchanged. Except for the goat. He's quite a chatty fellow."
"What about Trey?" Zeke asked. "If I look like this, he must be in pretty bad condition. I must have knocked out a couple of his teeth at least, right?"
"Trey is completely unharmed, other than a few scraped up knuckles. You went down after his first punch. He landed a few more blows before the rest of us were able to pull him off of you. You might want to keep your distance from him. He's pretty pissed at you right now."
"I don't want to have anything to do with that guy," Zeke said. "So, did we escape the bad guys?"
"They don't appear to have followed us through the black hole. We're still not sure where we are, but I think we may have some answers soon. Captain Torean believes we were jettisoned at great speeds out of a quasar in another universe. We've apparently ended up in the vicinity of an inhabited planet, because we've been hailed by their military leaders. They've given us landing coordinates and we expect to be on the surface within the next hour."
"Oh, well that's nice," Zeke said. "They're not going to, like, enslave us or anything are they? Did you guys think to ask them that before we land on their planet?"
"Their intentions seem friendly so far," Zannah said.
"Why doesn't Zeke get a little more rest?" Milosh said. "Needs to recover from vicious beating. Milosh will wake you when we land."
"That actually sounds like a pretty not half bad idea," Zeke said as he closed his eyes and drifted off to oblivion.
*
"Is time to wake up," Milosh said. "Aliens are demanding everyone exit the ship."
"Demanding?" Zeke said sleepily. "That doesn't sound very friendly."
The door flew open and a being dressed in bright red from head to toe pointed an object that looked disturbingly like a gun at Zeke's head. "Exit the spacecraft immediately or suffer the consequences."
"All right, I'm coming," Zeke said as he pulled himself out of bed. "What is this, the asshole universe? Trey should feel right at home at least."
The alien marched them out of the room at gunpoint and led them down a ramp to the planet outside. The sky was a light lavender color and a bright orange sun beat down from overhead. An even bigger blue sun appeared to be rising on the horizon.
Zeke started dripping sweat almost immediately. "Holy crap. It's hotter than the devil's sweaty balls. This place is miserable. No wonder you guys are so grouchy."
"What are you talking about?" the alien said. "It's the middle of winter and it's unseasonably cold. Why do you think I'm wrapped up in this full body suit? Speaking of which, do you guys want some jackets?"
"I'm good, thanks," Zeke said.
"Is comfortable," Milosh said.
"So anyway, the king wants to see you in the courtroom, so you're going to need to come with me. Your friends should already be there."
"The king?" Zeke asked. "What king?"
"Why, King Grover, of course. The divine ruler of the planet Orf."
Looking around Zeke noticed the ship had landed in the middle of a large fancy courtyard. There were numerous fountains and statues draped with something that looked like bright yellow ivy. An enormous white palace stood at the far end of the courtyard. There were a few guards standing around in full body suits. One of them appeared to be shivering.
"Normally there would be more people out and about, but most of them are staying inside on account of the cold snap," the alien said as he led them through a pair of giant doors covered in intricate carvings.
They were led down a long white hallway through a smaller set of doors. The room they entered was covered from floor to ceiling in lush crimson carpeting. There were oversized gold ornaments on numerous pedestals, and lavish tapestries covered the walls. There was a bright gold throne in the center of the room with a pudgy man seated in it. He wore flowing purple robes and an ostentatious platinum crown that was encrusted with rubies sat on a tilted angle on his head. Two beautiful women dressed in togas were feeding him grapes. The crew of the Starswan were seated on pillows near his feet along with Sadie, Nulfar, Bumble-Boo, WBDG, and the goat, who was in the middle of a lengthy story.
"So I went around to the back of the barn and, sure enough, the cow was chewing on some grass again. Now this was back in the summer of ought three and the grass was long and starting to turn brown. Which reminds me of the time this brown duck came up to me and honked in my face. I had just been strolling through the meadow, so I was thinking about the tasty sweet clover I'd just been munching on."
The king glanced up as Zeke and Milosh were escorted into the room. He motioned the goat to be silent. "Zeke. It's good to see you again. Come on up here where I can talk to you."
"Excuse me?" Zeke said. "I've never been here before. Uh, your majesty."
"Don't bother with that your majesty crap," the king said as another grape was dropped into his mouth. "I run a pretty informal court. Anyway, you probably don't recognize me since the last time I saw you I had been transformed into a shirt."
"You were a shirt?" Zeke said. "I really don't remember that."
"Yes, well, it was a little hard to talk while I was a shirt. I was able to manipulate that idiot Vance, though, so I eventually got back to my true form. I traveled back to my home planet and eventually took my revenge on the magician who had banished me in the first place. Since he seemed to be so fond of shirts, I made him wear two million shirts at the same time. I'm not entirely sure if he expired from suffocation or if the collective weight of the shirts crushed him to death. Regardless, he's no longer around. I was just a prince at the time, but then just last week my dear old daddy kicked the bucket so now I'm King Grover. Let me tell you, it's good to be king."
"I'm a little bit confused here," Zeke said. "How do you know Vance?"
"He was wearing me back in Quartzwater City."
"Are we in the same universe as Quartzwater City?" Zeke asked. "That's great! Where is it?"
"Oh, it's trillions of light years away from here. Not exactly a hop, skip, and a jump away," King Grover said.
"Then how did you get back here so quickly?" Zeke asked. "It wasn't that long ago when I was there."
"I was aided by magic," King Grover said. "But I have now outlawed magic, out of spite for that damn magician who banished me, so that method can no longer be used."
"Yeah, but I know some people in Quartzwater City. Also I know there's a passageway back to Earth there. I could go home. So why don't you relax your laws just a little bit and magic me a way across the universe."
"I shall do no such thing!" King Grover shouted as he slammed his fist down on the arm of his throne. The two women who were feeding him grapes flinched involuntarily. "Sorry, about that," the king cleared his throat and spoke quietly. "I just get irrationally angry about magic. No, I'm afraid I can't make any exceptions. No magic shall be used under penalty of death. And not a fun, painless death. No, I think I shall drop a crate of cannonballs on your head from the top of the tallest tower in the palace. Then I'll set you on fire and drop you in a swimming pool filled with acid."
"I'd just like to remind you I haven't actually used any magic," Zeke said. "So no need to make plans for killing me."
"No, of course you haven't. Forgive me. It just makes me very upset. Although I did enjoy banging the ladies while I controlled that moron Vance. How about you, Zeke? You like banging the ladies?"
"Uh, yeah. You know me," Zeke said. "I'm all about banging the ladies."
Somewhere behind him he thought he heard Sadie mutter the word "Pig."
"Looks like you like it rough," King Grover said. "Is that why your face is all beat up?"
"Well, yeah, that kind of had something to do with a lady," Zeke said.
"Allow me to take care of that for you," King Grover said. "Healer! Front and center!"
A long-haired woman wearing a pink robe approached the throne. "How may I please you?"
"Take care of this man's wounds, would you?" King Grover asked.
"Your wish is my command." The woman studied Zeke's face for a moment before pulling a pouch out from somewhere inside her robe. She sprinkled some sort of powder on Zeke's face while muttering an incantation. Instantly Zeke's face healed up.
"That was amazing!" Zeke said. "How did you do that? It was like magic!"
"Hey, you're right," King Grover said. "It was like magic. Well, she'll have to be killed. Guards! Take her away!"
Two guards ran up and ceased the healer. She spouted curses as they dragged her out of the room.
"Was that really necessary?" Zeke said. "I'm sure she wasn't using, like, actual magic. She's probably just really good at the art of healing. Or is it the science of healing? Whatever. I just meant she was so good at what she did it was magical. You know, like how when things are just generally amazing? Like when you see a beautiful sunrise it seems magical?"
"Sunrises do seem magical," King Grover said. "Well, that settles it. Sunrises will have to be outlawed. Anyone found enjoying a sunrise will have to be executed. Better outlaw sunsets while we're at it. Since we've got two suns we'll have lots of opportunities to kill people."
"No offense, but you're kind of missing the point here," Zeke said.
"The point is to eliminate magic in any and all of its diabolical forms," King Grover said. "Nobody's going to be turning me into a shirt again anytime soon."
"But that's just the thing," Zeke said. "How do you define magic? There's all kinds of technological stuff that I don't understand. It may as well be magic as far as I'm concerned. I mean, do you understand how a spaceship works?"
"I don't," King Grover said. "You're absolutely correct. Spaceships are magic. Therefore, they are also now illegal. Anyone caught using a spaceship will be hung upside down by their toes over a pit of sharpened spikes."
"Geek, you idiot!" Captain Torean shouted from behind him. "Now we're stuck on this planet. How are we supposed to get out of here if we're not allowed to use our spaceship?"
"Shall I administer another beating to him, Captain?" Trey asked.
"Yes, I think maybe you should," Captain Torean said.
"You've been very enlightening to me, Zeke," King Grover said. "Perhaps I shall keep you on as an adviser."
"Advisers get royal bodyguard protection, yes?" Zeke said eyeing the angry crew of the Starswan nervously.
"They absolutely do. Anyone attempting to harm one of my advisers will be dipped slowly feet first into a volcano."
"Well, that's good news," Zeke said. "Where do I sign up?"
"Oh, wait, I just signed up a new adviser earlier this morning. That means my cabinet's completely full. No room for more advisers. Unless, of course, I execute one of them. That little twelve-year old kid who advises me on youth matters has been slacking lately. But then there'd be a big mess that would need to be cleaned up and that's kind of a downer. I guess I'd better not. Well, it's been nice chatting with you, Zeke. I'll let you get back to your friends. I've got a spare room you guys can all share while you're my guests here at the palace. In the meantime, we'll begin disassembling your spacecraft."
They were led by the guards to a small undecorated room with a single twin-sized bed in it. Zeke had been in broom closets that were larger than this before.
"Way to go, Geek," Captain Torean said. "We're effectively that whack job's prisoners."
"Not just effectively," Zannah said as she tried the doorknob. "They locked us in here."
"I don't see any bathroom in this place either," WBDG said. "And I really need to go number two."
"Hold it, donkey," Sadie said.
"I'll try, but it's starting to become a bit of an emergency," WBDG said.
"Even if we could get out of here, there's nowhere to go without the Starswan," Captain Torean said. "We'll fry out on the planet's surface and that lunatic is going to execute us eventually if we stay here."
"My programming is so flabbergasted, I am not even able to come up with a suitable joke for this occasion," Wayne said.
"Perhaps if I ponder awhile on the principles of Moof I might be able to figure a way out of this," Nulfar said.
"Anything you come up with is likely to be labeled magic," Zannah said.
"You really screwed up this time, Zeke," Sadie said. "That guy said he knew you. You could have talked him into letting us go. Hell, he was being nicer to us before you showed up."
Shazmar let out an angry pinging noise.
"This reminds me of the time I was penned up for a week with seventeen other goats," Archduke Wilhelm the Goat said.
"Geek's incompetence has really screwed us over," Trey said. "I say we kill him. I would also like to volunteer to be the one to do it."
"Come on guys," Zeke said. "I can get us out of this. Just let me talk to him again. He'll listen to me."
"I like your idea about killing Geek," Captain Torean said. "How about we put it to a vote. Everyone in favor raise your hand."
Zeke looked around as everyone except Sadie raised their hand.
"Milosh?" Zeke asked in surprise. "You think I should be killed, too?"
"Doesn't want you to die, but Zeke did mess up pretty bad," Milosh said. "Is maybe for the best. Milosh will be sad for a while, but will get over it eventually. Also Milosh does not want to go against the majority. Does not want to be considered guilty by association. Besides, is only a matter of time before crazy man executes you anyway."
"I don't know if we should go so far as to kill him," Sadie said. "I mean, don't get me wrong, he's a moron. Maybe we could just give him the silent treatment for a while."
"This is a democracy," Captain Torean said. "We took a vote and the majority clearly voted in favor of killing Geek. It's been awhile since I've seen a good justified homicide. Trey, would you care to do the honors?"
"Gladly," Trey said as he pounded his fist in his hand.
Zeke looked around the room nervously and gulped.