"You know what your problem is, Sarah?" Max asked as he gulped down another drink. "Low self-esteem."
"Okay, Sigmund Frog," Sarah said. "What great piece of insight makes you think that?"
"You're a decent enough looking broad. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've seen better. But I wouldn't kick you out of my bed for eating crackers. Yet somehow you keep dating these total losers."
"Hey come on now," Sarah said. "I'll give you Vance. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was just young and naive."
"Which are normally two of my favorite qualities in a girl," Max said.
"But Maurice is a great guy."
"Oh, please, woman," Max said. "That guy's a complete dud. If you bought the toaster version of Maurice, you'd take him back to the shop as a lemon."
"That's not true," Sarah said. "He's nice and sweet and thoughtful. He cares about me and I care about him."
"If you really cared about him how come you left him to fend for himself in a strange new world, while you ran around with a dashingly handsome toad? Seriously, you've barely even mentioned him this whole time."
"He's heard a lot about Quartzwater City," Sarah said. "It's not like he came here completely blind."
"Yeah, well I've heard a lot about mountain climbing, but I wouldn't go tackling it on my own without someone to show me how it's done."
"This isn't the same as mountain climbing," Sarah said.
"No, it's even worse," Max said. "That boy could easily get himself killed. I mean, I don't blame you. I'd ditch his pasty ass and come party with me, too, if I were you. Ah, our friend Milosh has returned with the next round."
"Is very sorry," Milosh said as he set three drinks down on the table. "Is taking very long time to get bartender's attention."
"You've got to look them in the eye and stare them down," Max said. "Let them know who's boss. Either that or we'll send Sarah up next time to flash a little cleavage."
"Is much easier on Ingleblott," Milosh said as he sat down. "Bartender is also Milosh and knows when customer Milosh would like another drink."
"Is that so?" Max said as he took a sip off his new drink. "Anyway, getting back to the issue of Sarah and her low self-esteem."
"I don't have low self-esteem," Sarah said.
"You must. Otherwise why let these pathetic men who are obviously beneath you paw all over you?"
"I don't let you paw all over me," Sarah said.
"Which just goes to prove my point. You obviously feel so insecure about yourself that you're afraid to give into your desires for someone of such high quality, such as myself. Deep down, you have such a low opinion of yourself that you're worried that you're not worthy of me. That's probably true, but I'm such a good-hearted guy I'm willing to make an exception for you."
"Are you even listening to yourself?" Sarah asked. "Who talks like that? Believe me, frog. The day I feel unworthy of you is the day that..."
"What?" Max asked.
"I was going to say it's the day that pigs grow wings, but then I just noticed there's a winged pig sitting at that table over there, so that's clearly not a good example. I got it. The day that I feel unworthy of you is the day that Vance wins a spelling bee."
"All right, that's doable," Max said. "The next time I see him I'll start tutoring him in spelling. We'll make flash cards if we have to. Then you'll have to concede that I'm correct and not only do you have low self-esteem, but you also want to get down and dirty with me."
"Even if I somehow came to the realization that I had low self-esteem, I don't see how that automatically equates to me jumping in the sack with you."
"Because that's how we'll work on improving your self-esteem issues," Max said. "I'll prove to you that you're worthy of love from a prime specimen like me. Once you've experienced the good feelings that arise from sexual congregation with Max, you'll realize that there's nothing you can't do."
"I'm sorry, but I think I'd feel repulsed with myself if I ever slept with you," Sarah said. "I'm pretty sure my self-esteem would drop."
"That just doesn't make any sense," Max said. "Besides, you never know for sure unless you try it. So why don't we go hit that sleazy motel I mentioned earlier and find out for sure."
"Is game to try it," Milosh said.
"It's not going to happen," Sarah said. "Look, you made one good point. I've been neglecting poor Maurice since we got here. I need to make it up to him. Maybe I'll take him back to a sleazy motel room."
"That's not where I was going with this, but okay," Max said. "Can I at least watch?"
"I swear, you're a sicko and a pervert," Sarah said.
"Guilty as charged. I'm also an alcoholic, I'll admit it. There's no shame in my game."
"You're incorrigible," Sarah said.
"I don't know what that means, but I'm assuming it's another word for sexy, in which case I wholeheartedly agree."
"Oh, look who just walked in the door," Sarah said. "It's Bobby. Good, I'll have someone nice to talk to. Over here Bobby!"
Bobby saw Sarah waving her hand and hurried over. "She said yes!"
"Who said yes to what?" Max asked. "If that damn dwarf lady's trying to claim I'm the father again, I'm afraid I'm going to have to sic my attorney on her."
"No, Cindy said yes to me. I'm getting married!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," Max said. "You got caught in the trap, huh? Well, it's all downhill from here."
Sarah slapped him in the arm. "Shut up, Max. Congratulations, Bobby! That's wonderful news."
"Milosh is married to a very nice young man," Milosh said. "Is staring at black hole right now."
"Please," Max said. "Nobody wants to hear about your husband's black hole. Anyway, Bobby, in light of your, um, good news, why don't you buy us a celebratory round?"
"Oh yeah, what are you guys drinking?"
"Don't be silly, Bobby," Sarah said as she walked to the bar. "I'm buying you a drink."
"Get me another one while you're up there, would you?" Max said as he gulped down the last drops of his current drink. "Oh yeah, and don't listen to her Bobby. It's the groom's duty to buy his friends drinks. So why don't you get me one, as well?"
"I'll get the next one," Bobby said. "I can't believe it. I'm so excited. I thought I was going to be single forever."
"That's the dream, man," Max said. "Trust me. You're never getting laid again."
"Is true," Milosh said. "Milosh has not made love to husband even one time."
"You guys sure are funny," Bobby said.
"There's nothing funny about blue balls," Max said. "Or in the quiet desperation and self-loathing that comes with knowing you're caught in a trap of your own making forever and ever, and that the endless, crushing misery is just going to increase day by day until your head feels like it's going to explode. Luckily there's such a thing as booze and strippers. They help a little bit."
"Is very difficult," Milosh said. "Takes lots of work to maintain relationship."
"It's a lot easier once you learn how to tune them out and say 'yes, dear' to whatever the hell they're blabbering on about," Max said.
"Gosh, I sure am lucky I have you guys to give me advice," Bobby said.
"You sure are," Max said. "Speaking of which, advice isn't free. You owe me a drink for every word of wisdom I just bestowed on you."
"Uh, okay," Bobby said. "Oh, here's Sarah with the next round."
"Sorry that took so long," she said. "Milosh was right. It took forever to get that bartender's attention. It's like he purposely ignores you."
"Did you unbutton the top of your shirt like I told you?" Max said as he picked up his new drink.
"I hate to admit it, but I actually did after a while," Sarah said. "It didn't work."
"You guys are such amateurs," Max said. "Look, I'll go to the bar next time. I'll show you how a true master does it. You guys will be pitching in the floss to pay for it, of course."
"Cheers to Bobby and Cindy," Sarah said raising her glass in the air. "When is the big day?"
"We both agreed we want to get married as soon as possible," Bobby said. "Cindy's looking into arrangements to see if we can get hitched later this week."
"It just so happens I'm an ordained minister," Max said. "I'll marry you right now, if you want. Actually, no I won't, because we have to throw you a bachelor party first."
"You're a minister?" Sarah asked. "I find that hard to believe."
"Hey, there's lots of stuff you don't know about me, lady. Anyway, as your trusted spiritual adviser, I counsel you to postpone the wedding a little bit at least, so we can make plans to throw you a bitching bachelor party."
"Well, shoot," Bobby said. "We're having a good time right now. Can't this be the bachelor party?"
"For God's sake man, what the hell's wrong with you?" Max said. "No, this can't be the bachelor party. We've got a chick with us, for crying out loud. She's got to go. Plus, we need strippers, and lots of them. Although I suppose we could solve both of these problems if Sarah wanted to strip for us right now."
"You guys don't want me for your entertainment," Sarah said. "I'm not even a very good dancer. You should go back to that Cloud Factory place. Plus, don't you want to invite more of your guy friends? Like your buddy Tommy, or whatever his name is?"
"We can't go to the Cloud Factory," Max said. "That place is so last year. The only strippers that work at that place now are so far past their expiration date, you can count how old they are by the number of stretch marks. No, Bobby, we need to throw your shindig at the newest and hippest strip club in town. I don't know where exactly that would be, since they don't normally let me into places like that, due to my general lack of funds. But since you'll be paying, I'll find out."
"Well, okay," Bobby said. "That sounds like fun."
"Oh, we'll be having some fun all right," Max said. "It's always a guaranteed good time when you go to a strip club with me. Now, who's ready for another drink?"
"I've barely started this one," Sarah said.
"Is good for now," Milosh said.
"Yeah, I'm still working on my first drink," Bobby said.
"Bunch of lightweights," Max said as he stood up. "Well, I'm ready. Bobby, you going to spot me the floss?"
"Oh yeah, sure," Bobby said as he dug some floss out of his pocket and handed it to Max.
"See you in a while," Sarah said. "It takes forever to flag down that bartender."
"Yeah, for you clowns. Like I said, let a professional show you how it's done."
There was a small crowd gathered around the bar, but Max pushed his way through to the front. The bartender was a short red bear who had his back turned to the bar as he poured a drink out of a bottle.
"Hey!" Max shouted. "Eyes front, buddy. I'm in need of some service here."
The bartender didn't turn around, but instead picked up another bottle and began pouring it in a glass.
Max put his fingers in his mouth and let out a shrill whistle.
The bartender glanced over his shoulder. "Be with you in a minute."
"One minute, you say? All right I'll time you. If you're not over here within a minute, I should get my drink for free. You know, violation of a verbal contract and all that jazz."
The bartender ignored him as he handed two glasses to a coyote on the other end of the bar. He walked over and proceeded to take the order of a sheep that was standing next to Max.
"While you're getting his drink, why don't you grab me one of the house specials?" Max asked.
The bartender glanced at him again. "Be with you in a minute."
"A likely story," Max said as he started drumming his fingers on the top of the bar.
The bartender returned with the sheep's drink and then headed down to the other end of the bar to serve a squirrel.
A gnome pushed his way to the bar next to Max in the spot where the sheep had been standing. "I finally made it to the front," he said. "These better be the best drinks ever for how long they make you wait, eh pal?"
"I haven't been waiting that long," Max said. "I'm a very important person around here and therefore get preferential service. I'm sure the bartender will offer me a substantial discount for the minor inconvenience I've suffered."
The bartender walked over and took the gnome's order.
"Yeah, why don't you get me a house special as well, while you're at it?" Max butted in.
"Be with you in a minute," the bartender said.
"There's obviously been some sort of oversight here," Max said. "No matter. I'll be speaking with the managers about this and that bartender will definitely be out of a job."
The bartender returned with the gnome's drink.
"Hey!" Max shouted in the bartender's ear. "I'd like a house special please."
"Be with you in a minute," the bartender said as he took the gnome's floss and walked back to the other end of the bar.
"Good luck," the gnome said as he took a sip of his drink. "I hope you don't have to wait too much longer." The gnome left the bar and a big balding orange man took his place.
"How long you been waiting?" the orange man asked.
"More than a minute," Max said. "I'll be certain to have a discussion with this guy about his time management skills when he serves me, which I'm absolutely certain will be very soon. Most likely next. This bartender may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but surely he knows better than to keep a VIP like me waiting too long."
The bartender walked over and took the orange man's order.
"Come on!" Max shouted. "I was here way before this guy. Take my order!"
"Be with you in a minute," the bartender said as he went back to pour the orange man's drink.
"You're making a big mistake, mister," Max said.
The bartender took the orange man's floss and then headed back down to the other end of the bar.
"I didn't want to have to do this, but you're not leaving me much of a choice," Max said as he hopped over the bar and started pouring himself a drink from the tap.
"Hey what are you doing?" the bartender shouted at him.
"I'm doing your job for you, since you seem to be unable or unwilling to do it yourself."
"You can't be back here," the bartender shouted. "Get back on the other side of the bar."
"I will as soon as I finish filling up my glass," Max said. "Oh cool, you've got one of those things attached to the cord that shoots out soda. What are these things called again? Bar guns? I hope you didn't overpay for it, or else it wasn't much of a bargain. Get it? Bar Gun? Bargain? Damn, that's a good one. I need to write these down."
"Get out of here!" The bartender ran over and attempted to wrest Max's glass from his hand.
"Hey, back off, man." Max shoved the bartender.
The bartender attempted to grab the glass again and in the process it turned over and spilled its contents all over the floor.
"Now look what you went and did," Max said. "That's perfectly good booze that's just been squandered. Total party foul, man. Not to mention a real tragedy. Well, nothing to do but fill up another glass." He grabbed a fresh glass and started to fill it up from the tap.
The bartender tried to grab at the glass again. "I said back off!" Max picked up the bar gun and sprayed soda in the bartender's face.
The bartender reached under the bar and pulled out a baseball bat. He swung it at Max's head, but Max ducked and the bat connected with the tap instead, breaking the top off of it. Instantly geysers of liquor started spraying everywhere. The crowd surged forward, trying to catch the free-flowing booze in their mouths. Dozens of creatures climbed on top of the bar and it collapsed under their weight. The vibrations from the wreck caused bottles to start falling off the shelves and break all over the floor.
Max managed to catch a full bottle of booze before it made impact with the floor. It was completely black and labeled simply "xx."
"This looks like some real top-shelf stuff. I think I'll take it with me for the road."
The bartender tried to charge at Max, but slipped on the wet floor and landed on his back with an audible thump. Soon after he was buried under an avalanche of drunkards trying to get free booze.
"Maybe that'll teach you to work on your customer service skills," Max shouted over his shoulder as he went back to his table.
"What in the world is going on over there?" Sarah asked.
"Oh that? That's nothing. The bartender saw a spider and freaked out. But not before I managed to schmooze him into giving me a free bottle of his finest stuff. Now let's go hit another bar. This place is lame."