Zeke had dozed off in one of the beanbag chairs but was roused back into wakefulness by a slight tapping sensation on his eyelids and forehead. "What the hell's going on?" He sat up to find Shazmar touching his face. The spindly orange alien let out a pinging noise and skittered out of the room.
"What was that freak doing?" Zeke yawned as he stood up. He felt like he had a bit of a hangover. The game of beer pong had apparently taken its toll. Looking around he saw Milosh passed out on another bean bag chair, while Bumble-Boo and WBDG were curled up next to each other on a couch sound asleep. There didn't appear to be any sign of any of the other crew members.
A door in the wall opened and Sadie walked out humming to herself. "Oh hey, Zeke. How's it going?"
"I could use some water," he said as he smacked his lips. "Hey, how come you're not with Trey? Did you come to your senses and realize what a douchebag he is?"
"Apparently we're closing in on the bad guys so he needed to devote his attention to work. Isn't he just amazing though?"
"Are you even listening to me?" Zeke asked. "I just called him a douchebag. Does that sound like I think he's amazing?"
"He's so talented at so many things," Sadie said.
"He's pretty good at a few games," Zeke said. "That doesn't make him talented or amazing. He probably just has lots of time on his hands to practice useless skills. Seriously, I really don't get what's so great about that guy."
"He's just so interesting," Sadie said.
"I'm interesting, damn it. I've been to outer space, for crying out loud."
"So has he," Sadie said.
"Yeah? Well, I've been to another universe, too. I bet he's never done that."
"He's also super brave," Sadie said.
"I'm like three times as brave as that guy," Zeke said. "Personally, I don't even think his tales of heroism are true. Now me, I've got heroic stories. I didn't want to bring this up before because I don't like to brag, but there was this one time when I took down a bunch of talking flowers."
"That sounds like it took a lot of bravery," Sadie said.
"Yeah, but they were really nasty flowers. And big. Did I mention they were big? I guess you kind of had to be there."
"He's also funny. And smart. And gorgeous. And everybody likes him and looks up to him."
"Maybe so, but he's not perfect. Nobody's perfect. He's got some sort of flaw and I'll dig it up. He is kind of an asshole. There's that for starters."
"He's not an asshole," Sadie said.
"Don't you think it was kind of dickish how he kept calling me Geek?"
"Lighten up, man. He was just joking around with you. You seriously need to learn how to take a joke."
"He wasn't joking! I'm pretty sure that guy might be a sociopath. I wouldn't be surprised if he laughed at jokes about handicapped people."
"Zeke, are you jealous? You shouldn't be. First of all, you can't even begin to compete with Trey. Also you've got Milosh over there. You guys seem happy together."
"Come on," Zeke said. "I was misled into getting married to him. That's not the basis of a happy relationship. Besides, it's not exactly like we can start a family together or anything. We're not even the same species. Remember how you were pointing out that you and I are the only humans around and how you're a woman and I'm a man. I could be way off base here, but I'm pretty sure you were implying that we should probably have sex."
"I was, at the time. But that was before I met Trey."
"Are we even sure he's a human?" Zeke asked. "Maybe he's some weird alien that happens to look kind of human, but is actually completely incompatible with us. Hell, maybe he's even freakishly ugly for his race and was sent off into space for being an outcast."
"Actually he's from California," Sadie said. "He met an alien woman who was visiting Earth and they fell in love. She took him away in her spaceship and they had a passionate romance until she died tragically from choking on a sandwich. She passed away in his arms. It's so sad. I feel so bad for him. I just want to give him a big hug."
"You've got to be kidding me. Did the joke robot tell you that one?"
"No, Trey told me. He's really in touch with his feelings. He doesn't like to talk about it because it brings up such painful memories, but he really opened up to me and shared his emotions. We cried together. It was so beautiful."
"This is making me sick to my stomach," Zeke said. "Seriously, stop. I think I'm going to puke."
"I'm sorry if you feel threatened by him, but really that's on you. Not him."
"I just hate to see you get taken in by this joker," Zeke said. "I don't want to see you get hurt."
"I'm a big girl," Sadie said. "I can take care of myself."
"Fine," Zeke said. "But don't come running to me looking for a shoulder to cry on when he shows his true colors." He looked over at Milosh, Bumble-Boo, and WBDG still sleeping and suddenly remembered the scarcity of humans and females in his present situation. "Okay, if you really need a shoulder to cry on, I guess you can use mine, but I won't be happy about it. Well, that's not entirely true because I'll be happy that you've seen through Trey's bullshit. Also it would be kind of nice to have you snuggled up against my shoulder. You want to cry on my shoulder right now?"
"Zeke. Stop talking."
"Sorry," he mumbled, while looking down awkwardly at his shoes.
"Besides, if you really were interested in me how come you never busted a move on me?" she asked.
"I tried to!" Zeke threw his arms up in the air. "I kept getting interrupted all the time! Are you saying I should bust a move now? Because I will!"
He heard footsteps behind him and turned around to see Nulfar come stumbling into the room groggily. "That was quite a nap. Where are we anyway?"
"See? I'm constantly getting interrupted! Anyway, to answer your question, our escape bed got picked up by some space pirates and now they're trying to chase after the guys who blew up your ship," Zeke said.
"This tiny vessel expects to defeat the advance army of Zyvax the Intergalactic Destroyer of Worlds? Are these people suicidal?"
"Apparently they've got some tactical genius on their side who's good at everything and has never been defeated at anything in his life. Especially ping-pong."
"Ping-pong is no preparation for Zyvax the Intergalactic Destroyer of Worlds," Nulfar said.
"I don't know," Zeke said. "According to this Trey guy, he's pretty much the bee's knees. I say let's let him take on Zyvax the Intergalactic Destroyer of Worlds one on one and see how well he does."
The door on the other side of the room opened and Zannah walked in. "Oh, I see your friend has finally awakened."
"Friend?" Nulfar scoffed. "These are not my friends. These are my exhibits I have gathered for my zoo."
"Yeah, I wouldn't exactly call him a friend either," Zeke said. "He's more like this annoying guy who kidnapped us and insists on hanging around all the time."
"Never mind that," Zannah said. "Our journey has taken us in the vicinity of a black hole. Would you care to see it through the viewport? It's quite an astonishing sight."
"That sounds amazing," Sadie said. "Count me in."
"Wait, how can you see a black hole?" Zeke asked. "Isn't it just black? I thought they had so much gravity not even light can escape. Since we need light to see, we shouldn't be able to see it."
"You can see light and gas and space dust swirling around it," Zannah said. "It's quite breathtaking. But by all means stay here and play darts if you don't wish to lay eyes on one of the glorious wonders of the universe."
"All right, I didn't say I didn't want to look at it," Zeke said. "I guess we should wake up everyone else. Nulfar, you coming?"
"Space tourists." Nulfar rolled his eyes. "I have seen many black holes. They are ordinary and commonplace. Nothing to be excited about."
"Well sorry we can't all be as cool as you, man," Zeke said. "Maybe we should introduce you to Trey. You two can condescend to each other all day long. That might be fun to watch."
"Perhaps my friend Archduke Wilhelm the Goat would like to see the black hole," Nulfar said. "I shall fetch him." He turned around and walked out the door.
"I imagine a cargo hold is just as interesting to a goat as a black hole, but whatever," Zeke shrugged. "He probably secretly wants to see the black hole himself, but has to come up with an excuse to justify it."
Sadie woke up the others and everyone followed Zannah up some stairs. They emerged in a small room with one wall that was completely transparent. Outside the window they could see a spectacular swirl of light with a dark circular center.
Trey was standing by the viewport with his hands folded behind his back. His eyes were watering and he let out a small sniff. "Simply awe-inspiring, isn't it? It reminds me of the first time I viewed a sunset from the surface of Titan."
"Is very pretty," Milosh agreed.
Bumble-Boo let out a soft chirp, while WBDG stood looking out the window slack-jawed.
"The universe is full of mystery," Zannah said quietly. "It really makes you think about the miraculousness of it all and wonder at your place in it."
Everyone looked out the viewport in silent awe.
Zeke suddenly let out a loud and lengthy burp.
"Way to destroy the moment, jerk," Sadie elbowed him in the side.
"Sorry, I was trying to stifle it, but I couldn't help it. I drank a lot of beer."
"Now we all know what our friend Geek here thinks about the wonders of creation," Trey said. "Anyone else have anything poetic to add? If not, it just so happens I do."
"You're not really going to start reciting poetry, are you?" Zeke asked. "I don't think I can take that."
"O! How the splendid light of the heavens shines all around us. Like tiny spheres of light, we are but drops of rain in the vast ocean of the cosmos."
"He's reciting poetry." Zeke covered his face with his hands.
"Shh," Sadie said. "I want to hear this."
"Trey's poetry is renowned for many multitudes of light years," Zannah said. "We are all greatly honored that he is bestowing it upon us."
"Would any moonbeam shine so brightly as the fire within our very souls? Does any comet blaze so radiantly across the skies?" Trey folded his hands across his chest. "Do the distant nebulae smile at the first uncertain breaths of a newborn star?"
"Does any of the nonsense you just said actually mean anything or are you just a pretentious twat?" Zeke asked.
"Zeke, shut up," Sadie said. "You're being very disrespectful."
"It matters not that our friend Geek is lacking in manners," Trey said. "For is there not beauty even in the tiniest of amoebas? Are not stars themselves merely gasbags of an infinitely greater magnitude than our belchy friend here? Are not solar flares the sun's version of releasing internal pressure?"
"You have such a way with words," Sadie said. "You even make gross stuff sound poetic."
"Agrees," Milosh said. "Is excited to hear your thoughts on snot, vomit, and liquid farts."
"Can we not do this right now?" Zeke asked. "I'm trying to appreciate the black hole. Could we just, like, look at it in silence or something?"
"You're the one who burped and spoiled the mood," Sadie said.
"I know. I said I was sorry. Let's just go back to quietly looking out the window."
"Bah," the goat said from behind them.
"I've brought Archduke Wilhelm," Nulfar said. "What did we miss?"
"Some lines of verse that were truly for the ages," Zeke said. "No really. Someone ought to write that stuff down and sell it. I bet you'd make a lot of money. I'm sure Shakespeare's out there somewhere quaking in his boots."
"That is a shame," Nulfar said. "I would have liked to have heard such poetry, if it is indeed truly as wonderful as you claim."
"I would be delighted to give a repeat performance," Trey said. "O! How the splendid light of the heavens shines all around us."
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Zeke said. "Do you people have no concept of sarcasm? Does it not fall under the principles of the almighty Moof?"
"Hey everyone," Captain Torean said as he walked into the room. "Enjoying the view?"
"It's amazing," Sadie said.
"Great. I'm glad to hear it. Now I just need everyone in battle positions, because we're closing in on our target. Looks like they're heavily armed, so I'd lay odds at fifty-fifty that we might be momentarily blown into smithereens. All right. Let's do this, everybody. And don't forget to have fun."