"Hold still, you big baby," Sadie said as she dabbed at Zeke's face with a washcloth.
"It hurts!" Zeke said. "It feels like I got run over by a freight train or something. Big Helga throws a mean left hook."
"It seems like I'm always having to rescue you from getting beat up. You must have a punchable face or something."
"Yeah, I don't get it," Zeke said. "I'm like the most non-violent guy I know. I usually try to avoid confrontations if I can help it. But for some reason aliens and weird monsters like to try to beat the crap out of me."
The door whooshed open and Nulfar came into the room. "I'd heard that you got into some trouble at the space station. I was unable to meet you at the rendezvous point as I was busy with some much more important work than tending to your well-being. Still, I see that you shouldn't be left unsupervised at any time. At least you managed to make it back aboard the spaceship without my assistance. Perhaps there is some hope for you after all."
"Yeah, about that trouble I got into," Zeke said. "There were all these big, scary, demon-looking guys."
"I'm sure they were perfectly nice people," Nulfar said with a dismissive wave. "You mustn't judge others just because they're a little different than you. You Earthlings are really so small minded."
"I really don't think these guys were good people," Zeke said. "There was a lot of talk of killing and strangulation and what sounded like smuggling or something to me. Also they were asking a lot of questions about you guys."
"We Hooblerians are a fascinating people, if I do say so myself," Nulfar said. "If I were not a Hooblerian I would be interested in learning about us, too, just so I might seek out ways to improve myself. Of course, I could never hope to be as amazing as a Hooblerian, but in seeking to emulate them even a little bit I would be starting down the road to becoming a much better person."
"Are you even listening to what I'm saying at all?" Zeke asked.
"Isn't it cute how the little Earthling thinks he has important things to say? By the way, are you doing something different with your looks? Your eyes appear to be blackened and your lip looks much fatter. It's a vast improvement, I have to say. I didn't wish to mention anything before so as not to wound your feelings, but you were quite unpleasant to look at."
"Do you guys have some raw steaks or something we can put on Zeke's eyes to help the swelling go down?" Sadie asked.
"You wish for the swelling to go down?" Nulfar asked. "Did you not just hear what I said about his looks being improved? And you accuse me of not listening to you. I do not believe we have any raw steaks, but I am certain we have something that will help with the swelling, if that is what you truly wish."
"Yes, please," Sadie said. "Go use your superior alien technology to whip up a magical healing salve or something."
"Very well, I might just do that. But only because it pleases me to do so, not because you asked me. I do not follow orders from inferior beings."
"Whatever, you prick," Sadie mumbled as Nulfar exited the room.
A moment later the door whooshed open again and Milosh and Bumble-Boo walked in. "Is very sorry Milosh allowed beastly woman to beat up on Zeke. Is currently taking martial arts class back on Ingleblott. Will be better prepared to fight next time."
"Don't worry about it, Milosh," Zeke said. "I appreciate your help back there."
Bumble-Boo let out a high pitched chirp.
"Yours, too, Bumble-Boo."
Bumble-Boo made a purring noise in response.
"Hell, I'm even thankful to that weird blue donkey guy. Do we even know his name?"
"No clue," Sadie said while Milosh shrugged and Bumble-Boo shook his head emphatically. "I guess we could call him WBDG. For weird blue donkey guy."
"Works for me," Zeke said. "So anyone have any idea where we're headed to next?"
"The ship left the space station a few hours ago, but I didn't hear anything about our next destination. Maybe we can ask Nulfar about it if he comes back with some medicine for you."
"I don't know if I would trust any medicine that came from that guy. He did try to poison us, remember."
Suddenly there was a loud booming noise and the whole room rocked from side to side, knocking everybody to the floor. Some sort of siren started going off and the lighting changed to a deep red color that blinked on and off.
"What the hell's going on?" Zeke asked as the ship was suddenly rocked again.
"I don't know, but something's not right." Sadie managed to crawl to the door and it whooshed open. The siren was louder out in the hall and hundreds of little green Hooblerians were running back and forth frantically. An emergency sprinkler system seemed to have been activated as water was spraying down from the ceiling.
Nulfar came hustling into the room clearly out of breath. "Brace yourselves, Earthlings. Our ship is under attack."
"I'll bet it was those demon guys I was telling you about," Zeke said.
"What demon guys?" Nulfar said.
"The demon guys that attacked me and were asking questions about your ship. I seriously just told you about this like five minutes ago. You really don't listen to me, do you?"
"Are you telling me that you gave out information of a sensitive nature concerning our expedition to individuals who may have nefarious intentions?" Nulfar asked.
"I didn't realize it was such sensitive information," Zeke said. "Plus they were stomping on my throat at the time. I wasn't super inclined to be withholding information."
"We'd better tell Captain Moogreet about this immediately." Nulfar grabbed Zeke by the arm and hustled him off toward the bridge.
When they arrived they found Captain Moogreet standing on his chair shouting orders at various underlings who ran around like chickens with their heads cut off. His eyes fell on Nulfar and Zeke and he frowned. "Ah, wonderful. We are facing a crisis situation and you have brought the Earthling here where he can get underfoot. Perfect."
"The Earthling may have some information regarding the attack," Nulfar said.
"We have already identified the hostile ships as belonging to the army of our ancient enemy Zyvax the Intergalactic Destroyer of Worlds. What we don't know is how they knew to attack us. We are traveling incognito, after all. They should not have been able to identify our spacecraft as being Hooblerian in origin."
Nulfar gasped. "Zyvax the Intergalactic Destroyer of Worlds? This is horrible news."
"Who's Zyvax the Intergalactic Destroyer of Worlds?" Zeke asked.
"Only our most ancient and fearsome enemy," Nulfar said. "He may also be the closest thing in the universe to the embodiment of pure evil. He feeds on the suffering of others and has traveled from galaxy to galaxy for as far back as time stretches inflicting utter annihilation everywhere he goes. The more slowly and the more horrifying methods in which he can cause destruction, the happier he is."
"This doesn't sound like a very good guy to be tangling with," Zeke said.
"He's not. Many eons ago, in a completely different galaxy he destroyed our ancient home world. Hoobler I was said to be the fairest planet ever to exist. Ice cream sundaes grew on trees and it rained valuable works of art. The people were content and happy and never knew anything other than peace until Zyvax the Intergalactic Destroyer of Worlds descended upon them one day. The Hooblerians were not well-versed in the ways of war, but they put up a fantastic resistance nonetheless, simply because they were absolutely brilliant at everything they put their mind to. They managed to wound Zyvax the Intergalactic Destroyer of Worlds, a feat that has never been accomplished by any other beings ever, but they were unable to defeat him. He returned with greater forces and obliterated that beautiful planet. A small contingency of Hooblerians escaped and fled to another galaxy where they founded Hoobler II, our current home world, which is only marginally less fair than Hoobler I was. If vessels from his army are in this galaxy, it can only mean that Zyvax the Intergalactic Destroyer of Worlds has arrived here. In which case this galaxy is doomed. Hoobler II shall be destroyed as well as all the other civilized planets, such as Ingleblott."
"And Earth?" Zeke asked.
"Well Earth can hardly be classified as civilized, but yes, it is surely doomed, as well."
"Is there anything we can do to stop this guy?" Zeke asked.
"Nothing that we have yet discovered and we are infinitely superior in intellect to you, so there is absolutely nothing that you could possibly think of that would work. Our best bet is to flee to another galaxy and found Hoobler III."
Captain Moogreet cleared his throat. "Did I hear you say the Earthling may be in possession of some additional knowledge about this attack?"
"Yes," Nulfar said. "It was he who told the agents of Zyvax the Intergalactic Destroyer of Worlds about our ship."
"You complete and utter muttonhead." Captain Moogreet slapped himself in the face with his hands. "You absolute moron of unprecedented proportions. You have revealed the fact of our presence to our most horrifying enemy. He might have merely been passing through on his way to another galaxy, but now he will not rest until every last inhabited world is reduced to a pile of ashes. You have sentenced this galaxy to irrevocable doom."
"I didn't realize the stakes were quite so serious," Zeke said. "Nulfar here didn't seem to think it was such a big deal when I tried to warn him about it before we got attacked."
"Only because this enormous buffoon failed to convey the magnitude of the events which he, and he alone, set off."
"You are, of course, correct Nulfar. You are faultless in this situation. The blame lies squarely on the Earthling. If we manage to escape our attackers, let us jettison him into the empty void of deep space."
"Now wait just a minute here," Zeke said. "How is this my fault? I didn't bring this psychopath here. Besides, it seems to me you guys were the ones who pissed him off eons ago and made him extra hot and bothered to destroy you. So really you could say you guys brought this on yourselves. Also if he was already here this galaxy was probably doomed anyway. If you guys are half as amazing as you seem to think you are, why don't you figure out a way to fight him? Why don't you use some of that Moof stuff you're always jabbering about that can apparently accomplish anything."
"Get this idiot out of my sight," Captain Moogreet said. "I have a space battle to attend to." He turned and started yelling at one of the numerous Hooblerians that scurried past. "Blixphyz, get to the controls and initiate evasive action. Chazbu give me a report on the status of our shields."
"We'd better get out of here before he gets angry," Nulfar said as he led Zeke back towards his room.
As they passed one of the numerous unmarked doors, it whooshed open and the blue donkey stuck his head out. "Hey, you guys know what the heck's going on?"
"Hey WBDG," Zeke said. "We're under attack by a really scary evil guy."
"How did you know my name?" the donkey asked as he stepped out of his room and began walking with them. "I don't remember telling it to you."
"Huh?" Zeke asked. "What is your name anyway?"
"Dubbelyoubeedeegee, just like you said."
"Really?" Zeke asked. "I was just calling you that because it stands for... uh, never mind."
"No, tell me," WBDG said.
"Uh, wrestling blue donkey god," Zeke said. "Because you're a god when it comes to wrestling."
"That's true, I am," WBDG nodded. "Speaking of which, if we're under attack maybe my unparalleled wrestling skills might be useful?"
"You never know," Zeke said. "Maybe Zyvax the Intergalactic Destroyer of World's soldiers are really bad at wrestling."
They arrived back at Zeke's room to find Sadie, Bumble-Boo, Milosh, and the goat waiting. "So what's the story?" Sadie asked. "Is it bad news?"
"Yeah, you could say that. Like the probable end of the entire galaxy bad."
"It is all the Earthling's fault as well," Nulfar said.
"Why are you always throwing me under the bus?" Zeke glared at Nulfar.
An enormous shockwave went through the ship, knocking everyone over once again. A voice came over some loudspeakers. "Attention all crewmembers. The hull has been breached. Destruction of the ship imminent in T minus forty seconds. Evacuate immediately. Repeat. Evacuate immediately."
"We have to get into an escape pod," Nulfar said as he jumped up and pushed a button in a concealed panel in the wall. The bed started to sink into the floor and a transparent pod formed over the top of it leaving an opening in the side. "We should all be able to cram in there, but it may be a bit of a tight squeeze. Also dibs on the pillows."
Nulfar jumped into the bed. Zeke, WBDG, Milosh, and Bumble-Boo were quick to follow. Sadie ran over and grabbed the goat and pulled it onto the bed. The transparent pod sealed behind her.
"All aboard? Everyone hold tight!" Nulfar pushed another button on his wristband. The bed suddenly dropped down a long previously hidden shaft and shot out into space.
Through the transparent pod they could see the large Hooblerian ship behind them being swarmed by hundreds of smaller ships. It quickly dwindled into a little dot as they rocketed away from it. Then it abruptly erupted into a giant ball of flame.
"Don't hog the covers," Nulfar said as he nestled into the bed.
Zeke stared out the window. Gradually the light from the explosion faded and all he could see was an enormous field of black, punctuated by thousands of seemingly tiny stars. "Now what?" he asked.
"Now we drift aimlessly through billions of miles of cold, inhospitable, empty space until we run out of food and are forced to cannibalize each other. Eventually the last survivor will starve to death slowly." Nulfar pulled the blanket up past his shoulders. "I hope someone thought to pack some snacks."