As I sat at breakfast the next morning, I picked at my food without eating any of it. I wasn't hungry. I didn't know if I'd ever be hungry again after the night before, but that moment specifically, I had less than an appetite for food. Rab seem to notice this downcast mood of mine and eventually frowned at me. "Alice, is something the matter?" he asked.
I didn't even look up. "Not really. I'm just not very hungry..." I said.
Rab set his fork down and reached over the table to press the back of his hand against my forehead. I held still for the skin-on-skin contact, noticing that it didn't affect me the way I had expected it to. When Rab sat back, I touched my forehead where his hand had been, my eyes still on my messy plate. It was cool, I thought. I didn't feel any heat from Rab's touch.
Rab didn't notice my conflicted face. "You don't have a fever. You're probably just tired from last night's unexpected visit," he said.
Tensing uncertainly, I looked up at him. "What?"
"I was thinking about it a lot last night, and I have a feeling I know who it was," Rab said thoughtfully.
I felt like I'd been caught red-handed and ducked my head. "Who?" I asked, praying he hadn't heard what Cheshire had said.
Rab sat back in his chair. "Using the elements of the visit, the fact that he waited until you were alone and in the woods of all places, means that he knew what he was doing," Rab explained.
Realizing he wasn't talking about Cheshire's visit, I let out a huge sigh of relief that was probably too obvious. "Yeah... The woods..." I said.
Rab picked up his tea cup and took a sip of rose tea, adding a few drops of cream to flavor it when it didn't suit his fancy. "I don't want to name names now, but once I know for sure, I'll see if I can get some information on why he sought you out," Rab said.
I simply nodded, over relieved to know Rab hadn't overheard Cheshire's confession. That would have been too embarrassing, I might have actually passed out from the utter embarrassment of it all.
However, Rab seemed disappointed with my silent reply and set his tea down in its saucer. "Is there something else you want to tell me?" he asked.
I quickly shook my head before I could dig a deeper hole for myself. "No, I'm okay. I was just... lost in thought," I said.
He didn't look like he believed me, but to my relief, he didn't persist. "Oh," was all he replied with as he went back to looking at his tea.
When the silence at the table grew to be slightly uncomfortable, I picked up my plate and took it to the sink. "Sorry for not eating breakfast," I said, trying to sound polite as I washed my dish. "I have something to do so I'll be back later."
As I hurried to the door and slipped on my jacket, Rab stood up to follow me. "Do you want me to go with you?" he asked.
"No, no. It's fine. I promise I won't take too long," I said. I hoped he didn't find a reason to follow me. I just wanted to be alone. Thankfully though, Rab simply told me to be careful and safe. I readily agreed and hurried through the trees to the spot where I fell before in the woods. I didn't expect much, but I still had a little hope.
When I arrived at the spot, I stopped and looked around. I wasn't sure exactly what I was looking for so long as I saw something that seemed of interest. I stood very still and listened, watched, felt the breeze. I closed my mind to shut out the other senses, trying to focus on any discernable noises that didn't belong, any colors that didn't match. However, after a minute or two of scanning the area, I frowned. It looked, sounded, and smelled like a regular patch of forest trees.
I sighed, disappointed, and kicked a rock in frustration. Maybe the guy who I talked to the night before just happened to be in the area. He probably didn't live around here at all, or maybe he did, but our meeting last night was a fluke.
Deciding there was little more I could do here, I turned and started making my way back through the trees. I wondered who that person had been. I didn't recognize their voice at all, and besides Cheshire, I didn't know anyone else who could climb trees like that. I was completely lost in thought as I stepped out of the trees and walked up to the front door, heading to my room. Entering, I pulled my jacket off and hung it up, going to my room and plopping down on my bed with a thoughtful expression. It didn't even bother closing my door.
With a sigh, I shoved my face into my pillow. As I laid there, contemplating the reason for the stranger's visit in an attempt to not think of Cheshire, I inhaled the strong scent of dirt and subconsciously buried my face deeper in the smell. It was amazing, comforting, an assuring scent.
Suddenly, I froze. I sat up slowly and stared down at my pillow. This wasn't my pillow from Rab's place, I thought was slow realization. This was my pillow from my room at Cheshire's! I looked around and my heart beat faster as I realized with a sickening feeling what I had done. I was sitting on my bed back at Chesh's house, the living room outside my door was Cheshire's living room, and the strong scent of damp dirt was definitely the scent of Cheshire's house. I took a deep breath to calm down as I tried to convince myself that Cheshire wasn't home and I was safe from embarrassment.
He'd have called out to me if he'd seen me, I was sure, but he also always locks the front door before he leaves, which meant he was in the house... right now. I gave a silent whine of dread and turned away from my bedroom door. If he didn't call out to me, he was probably in his room. So, if I was quiet enough, I could sneak out without him ever knowing I was there.
Suddenly, the voice I had never wanted to hear spoke behind me. "What're you doing here?"
I nearly jumped out of my skin and gripped the sheets in my hands for support. However, I didn't turn around. I didn't have the courage. "I was just... Uh..." I searched for an excuse before I spotted my toothbrush and toothpaste on my bedside table. "I just forgot some things and wanted to grab them," I said as I reached over and picked up the objects off the table, hurrying to leave as quickly as possible. Slowly, I stood and turned around, smiling like nothing had happened. "But I have what I came for, so I'm just gonna... leave now..." My voice trailed off as I saw Cheshire's face. He looked like he hadn't even heard me and his face was pale as a ghost. I hesitated, losing my act in favor of my nervousness. I tried to force the words out of my mouth, but they wouldn't come. Finally, I choked out, "Can you, please, move out of the doorway so I can leave?"
Cheshire stared at me. Then his eyes lowered to the ground, disappointed. I fidgeted guiltily. Then Chesh looked up at me, but his eyes had changed. He looked determined. "I won't," he said.
The air in the room seemed to freeze around us as he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. I backed up to the wall behind me as he advanced, trying to ask him what he was doing and only succeeding to babble helplessly. Chesh put his hands on either side of my head and stared me down, his eyes narrowed but not threateningly so. I stood rooted to my spot and held my hands to my chest as I dropped the objects I'd been holding, swallowing the words I wanted to say. Then Chesh began leaning closer and I panicked, pushing on his chest. "Wait! Cheshire, hold on," I said, shrinking back.
"I won't," Cheshire repeated.
His lips came within inches of my own, practically drawing the life out of my legs as my knees wobbled unsteadily. When I could feel his breath on my cheeks, hot and heady, I did the first thing I thought of. "Don't touch me...!" I said as my hand slapped clear across his face.
Cheshire stood stock still. His bangs covered his eyes where they had fallen when his head had jerked to the side form the force of the slap. We stood in silence; I was slightly shocked by what I had done and trying to wrack my brain for an excuse. Before I could, however, Cheshire dropped his arms and stepped back. "I see..." He shifted his eyes to mine and I saw hurt in them; betrayal. "Forget what I said last night. It was a mistake," he said.
I was frozen as he turned and started for the door, turning his back on me. For a moment, I considered letting him walk away, but the part of me that had been happy to hear his confession wouldn't let me. Blindly, I grabbed his sleeve, stopping him with his hand on the door knob. He waited, but he didn't turn to me. I moved closer to him. "You're so cruel..." I said. "You keep telling me things I'm afraid to hear and then pushing me away without letting me say anything."
"And what is it you want to say?" Cheshire asked. He sounded angry, but not with me.
I released his shirt. "If it had been anyone else, I'd have told them no like it was nothing," I told him. "But you keep messing with me. It's never been so hard to say no before and-... and I don't know what to do. I'm scared... I don't know what will happen to me if I say yes, but every time I try to refuse you do something that makes it impossible."
Cheshire didn't say anything this time and I came around and face him. "I don't know what to say when you blurt out things like, 'I'm in love with you,'" I said. "Then you do things like what you did a minute ago and... I get so flustered that I can't think..."
Cheshire clenched his fists, not looking at me. "What's that supposed to mean? Either you love someone or you don't," he said.
With one hand, I reached up and turned his face towards mine. "You really are stupid..." I said. He frowned and I sighed. "You're right about love... 'Either you love someone or you don't.' But, just like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar, it's harder to actually say the truth even if it's plainly obvious. Especially, when you know it's dangerous."
Cheshire uttered a shaky breath and rested his hand on my back. "So... You just don't want to say it?" he asked.
I wasn't surprised to hear how confused he was by this. He was the type of person to blurt things out without a second's thought. Still, I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment. "Well... I guess you could say it like that..." I said. Immediately, I felt his arms wrap around me tightly, pulling me off my feet and tossing me onto the bed. I sat up hastily. "What are you doing?!" I asked.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw the smile covering his face, genuine and happy. "I'm convincing you to admit how you feel," he said. He pinned my hands above my head as he stared down at me, so overjoy I could see it in his eyes.
I didn't want things like this though, and I ducked back nervously when he leaned towards me. "Wait, wait. Can't we take it slow? I mean... You just seem a little too excited." I said,
He never looked so sincerely cheerful since the day I'd met him. He was practically glowing with happiness as his fingertips tickled my palms subconsciously, his teeth showing when he laughed lightly. "I am excited," he said. Then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath to steady himself. He was still smiling when he looked at me. "Can I lay with you?" he asked.
I swallowed nervously, nodding. Cheshire released my hands and positioned himself next to me, his face nuzzled into my neck as he slipped his arms around my waist. I could tell it was hard for him to contain himself, but it meant a lot that he did for me. His lips pressed to the exposed skin on my neck. "I love you, Alice..." he whispered.
I felt his warmth snuggled up against me and I was cozy. I hesitantly put my arms around him and he purred contently. I closed my eyes tightly to keep myself from shaking, taking slow deliberate breaths. I was scared of the future and that was obvious to both Cheshire and I. However, I was also happy, and I hoped Cheshire knew that.
*******
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