Groggily I uncurled myself from the uncomfortable position I found myself in. My face felt stiff from the dried tears I shed last night, and I ran my hands over my face in frustration. I can’t fall apart like that again, it hurts too much.
My gaze lifted to my surroundings, and the utter destruction I had caused made me groan and mutter a slight curse under my breath. Stretching my limbs out in front me, I got up and searched for my phone, the reason I awoke in the first place. Usually whenever I get really drunk, I never get a hangover, but I’m always up at the crack of dawn. But the emotional stress from last night must have knocked me out because along with the new notification on my phone, the time read 10:40. My throat felt dry as I opened the message, its contents making my choke a little.
Hope you didn’t forget I’m coming over.
See you in 20.
-Matt
For a half a second I could do nothing but stand stock still, till the urgency of the situation dawned on me. If Matt saw the state I was in right now, or even my room, he would know something was up with me, and I didn’t want to have to deal with any more questions right now. The mess between the two of us that I created last night was my only priority.
Jumping in the shower I let the hot water cascade over my body, releasing some of the strain my muscles held from sleeping on the hardwood floors. I could have stayed in the shower for hours, but I only had minutes so I quickly washed my body and shaved my legs.
Exiting the shower, I checked the time on my phone once again and noticed that I only had 8 minutes till Matthew was expected to show up. Hustling to my closet I quickly threw on a set of panties with a pink bra and a pair of denim short shorts that I matched with an aqua blue tank top. My hair was still soaking wet so I threw it into a messy bun on top of my head, fixing the stray hairs to make it look perfect. Just because it’s called a messy bun, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t any structure or technique to creating it.
DING DONG DING DONG
He’s early. Crap. With a final glance in the mirror, I decided that I looked decent enough to appear normal. Slamming my bedroom door shut, all I had to do was keep Matt from coming upstairs which really shouldn’t be all that hard. I mean we did have the whole rest of the house to ourselves. To talk of course.
Running down the stairs, I found myself in front of the door with the knowledge that Matt was on the other side. There would always be this wall between us, and no matter how hard I tried to open this door, it was a lot harder to do it metaphorically than physically. Taking a moment to exhale a final breath and calm my nerves, I turned the door knob and pulled, revealing the exact person I was waiting for. Or I guess he was really waiting for me.
“Hey,” he exhaled into the small space between us. His voice was a little groggy likely a side-effect of all the alcohol he had last night combined with the earliness of the day.
“I wasn’t sure you were going to open the door. You never replied to either of my texts,” he continued when I failed to bid him a greeting in response. He rubbed his neck nervously with his hand, just like he always does when he feels uncomfortable. I seem to bring that out in him a lot. Snapping out of my daze, I stepped aside from the entrance and beckoned for him to come in. Ignoring his last comment I headed to the kitchen knowing he would follow.
“Do you want something to drink? I just got up and I’m really thirsty,” I posed to him. Matt shut the front door behind him and followed me into the next room. Opening the fridge, I started rummaging for some lemonade. I knew I had bought a bottle last week but I couldn’t remember if I finished it or not.
“Umm sure. I’ll have whatever you’re having,” he replied. Finally finding the bottle I took it out, and sought two glasses from the cabinet over the sink. Pouring Matt a glass first and then myself, I left the bottle between us and casually rested against the island we were both standing around. Bringing my glass to my lips I took a small sip and then licked my lips for any excess sugary goodness.
Silence befell us as we stood in my kitchen surrounded by stainless steel appliances and cabinets. Anyone walking in could have easily mistaken the two of us for permanent fixtures instead of the teenagers we were. Matt’s face held no indication of what was running through his head, and my face was a stone mask not giving off any of the insecurities or worries that were occupying my mind. His brown eyes captivated me, and I stared into them losing focus of the world around us. They say the eyes are supposed to be windows to the soul, but his irises weren’t revealing any hidden secrets or fears. I wonder if that is because his life has been so blissful that he has had no need for fear or secrecy or if like me he has just learned the act of being normal.
We must all do it. Pretend to be normal I mean. I don’t think there’s a single person out there’s who has been perfectly content with their lives since the day they were born untouched by death or loss or abandonment or fear. As humans we were never constructed to be perfect and for that, at one point or many in this lifetime, we will all suffer. Our children will suffer because of us; strangers whose lives we unknowingly touch will suffer because of us.
I’m stuck here in Matt’s eyes, just waiting for a glimmer, a slight shift in colour or dimension that will confirm my theory that we’re all just hiding from one another. But in the end, I see nothing. Nothing that validates the way I feel and I can’t help but think that even if the eyes were the windows to one’s soul, even if my eyes did tell the world everything, would anyone be able to recognize that dimming light? Would anyone be looking for it?
If you live a life filled with ignorance or self-absorption, it is impossible to recognize anything in this world other than what you want to see. Everything else will be lost till we can wake up. I want to wake up.
“I want to talk about what happened last night Sara,” Matt delicately whispered. His voice shocked me; I was so consumed in his eyes that I had forgotten we were both still standing here in the same room yet on opposite sides of the island. The distance could have easily been miles not inches.
“Okay. Talk,” was the first response that popped into my mind.
“Last night was… well you know what it was,” Matt fumbled out. His lack of eloquence almost made me want to laugh out loud, but I held my composure only allowing a small smile to slip onto my face indicating my amusement.
“Yes I do,” I began. Even though Matt was the one who wanted to talk, he didn’t really have much to say. But I didn’t mind filling in the blanks. I knew what I wanted now. “Clearly we both want to be more than friends,” I could see Matt’s shoulders visibly relax as I said this and I was anticipating his reaction to the rest of my sentence, “but I still don’t want a relationship Matthew. Instead I was thinking that we could be, you know, friends with benefits”.
“You want to be what?” he skeptically inquired. Wasn’t it every teenage boy’s dream to hear a girl willingly say this to them? My attraction to Matt is undeniable, he’s hot and like everyone else I have needs. There was nothing wrong with this arrangement; I didn’t want anything emotional with him just physical. This way we could still be friends and even if this arrangement ended it wouldn’t have to change anything between us.
“You heard me. You know that I don’t want a relationship and if we’re going keep doing what happened last night we might as well be able to do it sober occasionally,” I explained.
“Are you sure this is what you want? Have you really thought about this?” he directed back at me. No, I didn’t really think too far into this, but thinking screws everything up anyways. As long as neither of us become emotionally invested then we should be fine.
“Yes I’m sure. So what do you say?” I reassured.
“Umm, yeah. Okay," Matt responsed. His attention shifted away from me and I could see the gears turning in his head. There was hesitation and doubt as he stepped back from the island and paced slightly. I wasn't sure where he thought this conversation was going to go, I didn't know what he was expecting from me, but I couldn't offer him more than this. There was nothing more of me to give away. Minutes continued to tick by and I could do nothing but wait to see if he really meant what he just said, to wait to see if he was going to change his mind. Matt stopped fidgeting and allowed himself to make eye contact with me once again, a new found resolve was set in his features, "What are we going to tell Iris and them?” Matt asked.
“Nothing. This can stay between us; I don’t want them poking questions into what’s going on. The whole point is to keep things open and not complicated,” I reasoned. The girls would over react for sure, and it would be so much simpler if they didn’t have to find out. They would never stop with the teasing if they thought there was something serious going on between Matt and me.
“Fine,” he agreed, nodding his head in non-verbal affirmation. It was clear he was at a loss for what to do next. His gaze scanned the kitchen we were in taking in all the details or really lack of details present, considering this was his first time stepping foot in my house I’m surprised he didn’t bother to look around earlier. The first couple weeks I never invited anyone over because my mother was stuck in her room all day but ever since she started staying away for days on end for work the house seems more normal. Presentable if you will to others.
“Do you want to do something today? Like hangout I mean?” I asked Matt. I had nothing else planned for the day and I wanted him to know that we were still friends and could still do things together.
“Sure, do you want to come over? My mom’s making lunch and we could watch a movie or something,” he said while smiling. The easy groove we had fallen back into was refreshing and exciting. Usually we only ever hung out at the field after he finished soccer practice or the beach with everyone else. I had never met his mom before, and it made me a little anxious. I could feel my palms starting to sweat a little and I nonchalantly rubbed them against my shorts.
“Yeah sounds like a plan, let me just run upstairs to grab my phone and keys,” I replied.
Dashing up the staircase, one reoccurring thought kept bombarding my mind. If Matt’s mom was kind and warm-hearted, would I be able to handle it? Would seeing everything I wished so desperately for break me down even further?
No. It wouldn’t. Because no one’s life is perfect and there’s no reason to be jealous of one aspect when there could be so much more you can’t see. But if he really did have a normal family, I could be happy for him. I wasn’t some cruel human being that wanted everyone to be miserable just because I was. I would never.