10 months later
I scan through the list and when I don't see my name near the first few numbers, I freak out. My stomach drops when I finally see my name, Xedalia Trammers. My name is below all the other names. It's also beneath the yellow line. What have I been so focused on for this past year? Did Eric really stop me from passing initiation? How could I have been so stupid as to not focus on fighting more?
I start sobbing and see Jared, Cece, and Trix celebrating in a huddle. I try to walk towards them but I can't continue forward. It's like I'm frozen. I start yelling, pleading for them to look at me, knowing they won't. I fall to my knees. Darin comes behind me. "I could've been there to help you. But you pushed me away." I sob louder.
Trix's brother Jake says, "Come on, Darin." They pass in front of me and I've never felt so alone.
"Wake up." I feel someone shaking my shoulders. "Wake up, Dhal." I jump up and see Eric's face. It was only a dream. I'm safe in Eric's apartment and nothing else is real."Do you want me to hold you?" Eric asks. I shake my head no. I like how he's comfortable enough to ask now. A year has changed him like that. A year has changed me like that. We can now be there for each other on more emotional levels. Not to mention he met my mom and Kirone, which I thought would make me intensely uncomfortable. It didn't although Mom gave me uncertain looks, probably because she's heard of him. "Ok." He lays back down and puts his arms under his pillow, staring at me.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Eric asks hesitantly. He's asking because the other night I didn't want to talk about it, and he was pressuring me to let it off my mind. I ended up yelling at him. Guilt makes me decide to tell him.
"I didn't pass initiation." I look at his hands, which now pull me closer to him on the bed. "And Trix, Jared, and Cece made it. But I didn't." He kisses my forehead.
"I'm sure you'll pass it," Eric encourages. I would have suspected him to know if I made it or not but Eric said Four offered to score me because Eric was most likely to give me advantage points... Besides, I prefer Four scoring my dauntless ability. Eric knows my fear landscape and it has brought us even closer on an emotional level. I want to be scored fair and square.
But knowing that Four sees something going on between us is a little weird. After today, we won't have to hide it as much although I'm sure everyone found out when we were caught drunk together running in the dauntless hallways.
Maybe I do have a chance of passing initiation. I had amazing -almost too amazing- times for my fear landscape. But I only won a little more than half the fights I've fought for the past couple of weeks. Eric told me it was amazing, but I can't be fooled. That's a tad bit more than a 50% grade.
"I'm not sure if I can wait to know any longer."
"You'll find out today, Dhal," Eric replies.
"I like that nick name."
"How corny," he smirks back at me.
"You're an ass." Eric slaps my butt.
I get up and get ready for the "end of initiation" ceremony. Today, all my hard work either pays off or proves I'll never be good enough in Dauntless. I just want to not have to worry anymore, not worry about whether I'll be factionless or if someone discovers I'm divergent. But I know I always have to worry about being caught. Unless I become factionless. It's strange knowing that being factionless could actually make me feel at peace.
When I'm ready, I check the time. I have thirty minutes until I have to head down. Eric already left so I decide to go to the dormitory. If he were here with me, I'd be less tense, I'm sure.
When I get to the dormitory, Cece gives me a bear hug. "I'm so nervous!" She exclaims. I smile a nervous smile and nod. Cece probably passed as she has enhanced her skills exponentially. She used her short height as a plus to get away from punches. I wish I was shorter. Or at least stronger.
But then again, everyone wishes they'd be something else.
I see Jared through my peripherals and step back to hug him, too. "Good luck," he says.
I nod. "You, too."
After more moments of anxiety, Kevin gets up as well and starts babbling about how many of us have excelled and now deserve to be apart of Dauntless.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
We walk into the training room after breakfast to view our scores.
1. Luke
2. Jared
3. Sage
4. Xedalia
5. Derek
6. Roberte
6. Trix
7. Ledra
8. Cecelia
9. Jack
10. Roxanna
11. Piotr
12. Travis
13. Mikali
14. Alex
15. Lotrisha
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I look away once the line appears.
I cheer along with my new faction. "You're number 2!" I high five Jared and he looks like he's trying to comprehend what's going on.
"And you're number 4!"
"And I suck, but I'm a dauntless!" Cece claps for herself. I look at the score board again. My smile immediately drops.
Some of the names below mine are the names of people who are better than me. Something is wrong. There is no logical way I'm the fourth best initiate.
I see someone through my peripherals glancing at me and then to where my eyes are. It's Jared.
"Well, you have gotten way better."
I shake my head no. "But I'm still not way better than Derek."
"A lot has happened in these past ten months. Just accept it," Cece says while kissing my cheek. "We passed guys! Now we can get dauntless jobs and live our dauntless lives and be dauntless!"
"Let's go celebrate," Trix says. I glance at her and see Jake has his arm around her neck. Darin stands behind them. I wave and he waves back with a side smile.
"But usually they take the initiates for job preference questioning, don't they?" Jake asks.
"Well, one, we're not initiates dumb ass. And two, no, they switched it this year."
And with that, everyone generally walks towards the bar. Everyone but me. I stare down the score board. It disturbs the hell out of me. I mean, I am dauntless now, so everything else doesn't really matter. But that isn't enough to give me peace.
I nearly jump when I feel a cold hand around my bicep.
"Hey, you alright?" Eric looks down at me with his eyebrows knit together.
"Yeah, it's just that... Well, I don't know... I don't think I'm actually the fourth best of all the initiates."
"Oh, come on. Be more confident about yourself."
"No, shut up. I'm not saying I suck. But there's no way I'm the fourth best out of everyone who just passed initiation."
Eric pauses and looks at his feet as he rocks back and forth. "You're fear time was excellent. You only had seven short ones."
We're silent as the voices of people talking around us still fill the room. "Eric." I say slowly.
"Hmm." He doesn't look up though.
"Eric." I cross my arms.
He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. Then he says, "It's not like you were going to fail, anyways."
"What the hell! You can't just do that!" He tries to grab my shoulders but I shrug away from his hands.
"I just wanted to be positive you'd still be here."
"So you put someone who deserved fourth rank below me?"
"Dhal, stop. It doesn't matter! We should celebrate."
"Did you think I wouldn't freakin' make it if you didn't hand fourth rank to me?"
"The hell? Of course not."
"Then what was the point of it at all," I raise my voice and some heads turn to observe us.
"Can we talk about this another time?" He pleads.
"No."
"Then let's go upstairs." I involuntarily follow him upstairs go his apartment as he drags me by the hand. Once inside, I sit on the sofa.
"Dahlia, I'm sorry."
"I'm not stupid. I find out about these things on my own. And I want to know what rank I would have been if you weren't such a goddamn prick!" I make eye contact with him while saying that and I can see a pang of hurt as I say it. "Sorry."
"Yeah. Me too."
"Eric, I'm just pissed that you feel the need to lie and be unfair for me. It interferes with other people's happiness. We're not the only two in Dauntless."
He suppresses a smile and looks down at our hands as he laces our fingers. "Sure as hell feels like it." I sigh and look out the window. I take note of all the beautifully eerie buildings in the distance and try to count them as I have before from Eric's apartment. He told me there were too many for me to count because of my impatience.
I feel something cold slide down my finger so I turn to see what it is. Before I get a good look, Eric starts talking.
"Dhal, I really love you. Like, a lot." I smile at how bad he is with words. "I don't know if marriage is how you want me to show I'm committed, but damn, I'd give up my chocolate cake for you."
I look at the silver band he placed on my finger. It fits perfectly, like I've been fitted for it.
"I tried it on your finger when you were sleeping." Eric whispers. I snort. I look at the engraving on the ring and it says "I'll love you always".
I trace over it with my right forefinger. "I don't care," is all I say, trying to kid of shake him up with nervousness.
"What?" He shifts uncomfortably. "What don't you care about?"
I smile and look up into his gray eyes. "I don't care if it's marriage or kids, or anything." I laugh at the blank expression on his face.
"Well, basically is that was your proposal, it's a yes," I clarify.
Eric smiles widely and kisses my forehead. "Ok."
"Ok." I say laughing in my jittery state.
"You know I never thought I'd ask a divergent to marry me or be with me or whatever this is?"
"Really?" I say, pretending to be surprised.
"It turns out Divergents might be more bad ass."
"Yeah, it's a surprise I said yes to you, huh?"
"Thanks." He says as he pulls me close, catching me a bit off guard.
"You too," I say back to the most amazing man in any faction ever.
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It's been so long!! I'm so sorry, guys! I'll explain that in an A/N later if you want to know why. I hope you all enjoyed it although I didn't edit everything yet. I just really want to let this out right now. Thanks for sticking with me!
All my love,
DL1