"Guess it was not meant to be, but it's not as bad as it seems
It only burns when I breathe
It feels like the dawn of the dead, like bombs goin' off in my head
Never a moment of rest
Nothing kills more than to know, that this is the end of the road
And I know I gotta let go."
= Can't Let You Go,ADAM LAMBERT
When he finally returned to the living room doorway, Kyle was still sitting on the sofa, arms resting on his knees...and holding the wedding band in his fingertips. Just the sight of it again ripped through Nate's heart, leaving him shredded and bleeding. His gut tightened and he thought he might puke again, but he fought the nausea and the pain, and embraced the rage.
The ring slipped almost lovingly through Kyle's fingertips as he caressed it gently...then slowly slid it on his left hand.
Nate's breath staggered hard and caught in his chest, causing it to heave. Kyle glanced at him quick, startled by his sudden presence. Nate's hard eyes couldn't seem to pull away from the ring on Kyle's finger. Following his brittle stare down to the ring, Kyle stood up slowly, his watery eyes widened a bit. He slid the ring off.
"Don't take it off on my account." Nate said stiffly, grinding his teeth in an attempt to hold his emotions in check.
Kyle held the ring in his fingertips once more, stared at it a moment, then looked at Nate. There was a plea in his eyes that Nate wanted to knock out of them. "Nate..." Kyle spoke low, thick, tears squeezing his voice. He stepped towards Nate.
But Nate stepped back. "Don't, Kyle." His words were razors on his tongue, and he could taste the blood they drew. "Just fucking don't." Nate broke from his stance and headed for the front door.
"No." Kyle followed. "Nate...just let me-"
"Save it!" Nate cried and grabbed the door handle.
Kyle's hands were suddenly gripping his arm, clutching at him. "No, Nate! It can't end like this. Not like this!"
"Get your fucking hands off me, Kyle." Nate growled dangerously, his hand still gripping the door handle.
"I know I did everything wrong." Kyle choked out. "I'm sorry. I fucked up, big time. I shouldn't have done it like this...I just wanted..."
Nate's chest heaved as he tried to breathe. Just get out of here. Don't listen to him. Just go! But his hand wouldn't twist the knob, wouldn't open the door. "Just wanted what, Kyle?" He heard himself whisper tightly.
"I just wanted to know how it felt to be with you." He trembled. "To be...loved by you. Just once, before..."
Kyle's words slipped away unfinished. Nate released the door handle and faced him.
"Before what?" Nate bit out coldly. He grabbed the ring from Kyle's hand and thrust it in his face. "Before this? Did it even cross your fucking mind what all this would do to me? Do you even fucking care, Kyle?"
Tears were running down Kyle's face. "I do care." He cried. "You have no fucking idea how much I care!"
"Bullshit!" Nate raged then slammed Kyle against the wall so suddenly he startled himself and ripped a sharp gasping grunt from Kyle. His fingers clutched fistfuls of Kyle's shirt, his knuckles digging into the guy's chest as he held him tight to the wall. The ring was still gripped in his hand, gouging into his palm, burning his skin. "You don't give a fucking shit about me, Kyle!" Nate cried, sobs tearing up his raw throat. "You fucking used me! And now you want...what?! What do you fucking want from me now?!"
"I don' know!" Kyle sobbed, shaking. "Nothing. Everything. I don't fucking know! I just want it to be like it was!"
Nate was shaking hard, his hands cramping as his fingers squeezed the shirt in his fists. "It's too late for that now. You killed us last night, Kyle." Nate cried. "For eight years I held that door closed. Eight fucking years! And you just walk in and knock it down." He couldn't breathe, his chest hurt so bad. "And for what? For nothing, that's what! Last night meant fucking nothing to you!" Nate couldn't stop his tears as they flooded his face. He shoved harder against Kyle's chest, wanting to hurt him, needing him to feel the same pain he'd inflicted. "You took everything from me last night, Kyle! And why? So you could shit on it this morning? Fuck you!"
He shoved away from Kyle and turned his back, his cries ripping him apart. Kyle laced his fingers behind his head and curled over, crying, his body shaking. "Last night...meant everything to me, Nate." He cried. "You mean everything to me!"
Spinning around, Nate shoved Kyle again, breaking his grip on the back of his head. "Fuck! Just stop! What do you fucking want from me, Kyle?!" Nate's face hovered close to Kyle's, his whole body trembling with a storm of emotions he couldn't control. "You want me to say I love you? Is that it? You won't be satisfied until you rip out my fucking soul? Fine! I love you! I love you so fucking bad it's killing me! For eight fucking years you've tortured me! Is that what you need to hear before you can just leave me the fuck alone?!"
Kyle broke and grabbed Nate's head, kissing him hard, desperate.
A liquid heat rushed through Nate's body and mind. His hands smacked flat against the wall on each side of Kyle's head, the wedding band gripped fiercely beneath the ring and pinkie fingers of his left hand. He pinned Kyle against the wall, diving into the kiss and drowning. Kyle grabbed at Nate's shirt with erratic hands, tugging and pulling it up his back, panting and crying. He shuddered and rubbed his hands up Nate's back, clawing at his firm muscles.
Nate's back muscles quivered under Kyle's digging fingers. Fuck. His hands felt so fucking good. He grabbed at Kyle's neck with his teeth, biting a little too hard, yanking a cry from the guy. His crotch throbbed and ached so bad it brought fresh tears to his eyes. He ground his confined cock against Kyle's crotch, inciting a low moan to roll up the man's throat.
When the ring fell from his grasp, he barely noticed as he dragged Kyle's shirt off then peeled off his own. His breath exploded out in hard, short bursts. The fog was swirling around his mind again, as it had done up at the cabin, and all he could think about was being inside Kyle again.
Kyle pulled at the front of Nate's jeans, opening them up, then quickly unfastened his own, gasping erratically, sucking at the air, trying to breathe.
Hot tears streaked Nate's face as his need and desperation took full control. He spun Kyle around and shoved him against the wall again. Kyle's chest heaved, his fingers clawing at the wall as Nate dragged his jeans and boxers down to his ankles in one hard yank. Nate's breath puffed against the back of Kyle's neck as he grabbed his cock and pushed the dripping head between Kyle's ass cheeks. He didn't take it slow, he didn't care if Kyle felt the pain.
"Fuck!" Kyle screamed and pressed his cheek hard against the wall as Nate shoved his cock head through the tight ring, then in one thrust, sank himself balls deep into Kyle's ass. "NAAATE!! Fuuuck!!"
Nate's jaw clenched as a strangled cry ripped up his throat and squeezed out between his clamped teeth. His heart raced wildly and he couldn't calm it. His hips drew back and he slammed his cock into Kyle again.
"Ahhhh!!" Kyle cried out, choking on his scream and his tears.
Nate pressed hard against his body and fucked him urgently with short, hard thrusts, punching his cock into the guy's ass, their bodies slapping together loudly, his full balls beating against Kyle's sack. Kyle whimpered loud then released a low moan that escalated into a wrenching scream. He knew he was hitting Kyle's sweet spot. The guy was squirming and twisting against him, his nails gouging the wall, his ass slamming back on Nate's cock.
"Fuck me!" Kyle choked out, his voice thick, cracked. "Oh god, Nate! Fuck me!"
His teeth raked along Kyle's shoulder muscle then clamped on hard enough to make the man jerk and arch his back, whimpering sharply. Nate dropped his hand to Kyle's hard cock and grasp it in a tight fist and began beating him off as he fucked him with increased urgency. His emotionally heightened body was already right there, craving the release.
"Fuck, Nate!" Kyle sucked in a deep, sharp breath then released it in a tight scream as his orgasm burst. Tendrils of hot cum burst out of his cock, hitting the wall in forceful shots.
Nate screamed as he pounded his cock into Kyle's tight pucker hole. The guy's inner muscles squeezed his cock and pulled at him as the orgasm swept through him, clenching up his whole body. A burning heat exploded through Nate's groin.
"FUUUCK!!" He screamed and squeezed Kyle's cock, pumping him hard, emptying his balls. Nate's own hard sack sucked up against his body then he felt it rising, swelling his cock in Kyle's ass, stretching him open just a little wider. He slammed Kyle harder against the wall and punched his ass with his pulsing cock until he was coming so forcefully it ripped the breath from his lungs and his back arched, jaw clenching.
Strangled cries tore up out of him. He fucked Kyle erratically, emptying himself inside the guy. He sucked hard at the air, his vision spotted with black dots and sparkles. "Fuck." He exhaled hard then sucked for more air. Kyle panted against his damp body, his cheek flattened against the wall, eyes closed.
Nate touched his lips to the man's shoulder and stared at his glistening face, the tears slipping from beneath his closed eyelids. The heat of the man's body encased Nate's dick like a warm glove. It felt so right, as if they were tailor made for one another. Nothing in his life had ever felt more right than this right here. But it wasn't his for the taking...though he had taken it.
Stepping back suddenly, Nate turned away and fastened his pants. How the fuck could he have done that?
Kyle shifted slowly and opened his eyes, then reached down and pulled up his pants, buttoning the front. "Nate?" Tears squeezed Kyle's voice.
Leaning down quick, Nate snatched the ring off the floor. He turned and grabbed Kyle's left hand, shoving the ring on his finger. "Go home, Kyle." Bitterness cracked his words. "Go home to your life, to your...wife." The word was like poison on his tongue, and indeed it was; the moment he said it aloud, it began to drain the life out of him, leaving him empty, hollow inside.
He reached for the doorknob again.
"Nate." Kyle choked on a sob. "Please don't leave it like this...please."
Nate hesitated, gripping the door handle. "I didn't leave it this way, Kyle." He forced his words up past the lump swelling his throat. "You did. You got what you came for." Nate jerked open the door. "I don't have anything left to give." Emotion twisted his voice. "You took it all."
He stepped out and slammed the door behind him, his heart a wasteland in his chest. He wondered how long it would take before he joined the walking dead.
Just a soulless body simulating life.
* * *
There was no destination in mind when he left the house, but when the truck finally rolled to a stop and shut off, he was parked in front of Rusty's tavern. It wasn't even noon yet and the gravel parking lot was empty. Nate left the truck and pushed through the door into the tavern.
It was a quaint little place, even homey in it's own way. A single pool table sat in the middle of the floor and on the far side of the room was an old fashioned jukebox. Country music played quietly. At night, the music blared louder as the place grew more crowded, but during the slow hours in was kept turned down to a bare minimum. Nate was thankful. The last thing he needed right now was some hunky guy in a cowboy hat swaying through his head, singing love songs.
He didn't want to think about love at all. He wasn't much of a drinker, but he heard this was the type of place to go when you needed to drown your sorrows. And if he ever needed to drown his sorrows, it was right fucking now.
The bartender, an older man, was friendly enough as Nate asked for a bottle of Coors Light, but he wasn't in the mood to shoot the shit. He took his beer to a private booth at the far end of the tavern and sat with his back towards the bar, and anyone else who might come in.
He tipped the bottle to his lips and sucked down a drink, grimacing a bit. Alcohol wasn't really his thing, though many times Kyle had coaxed him into drinking with him. He'd always had a fucking charm about him that Nate never understood – yet couldn't resist.
A sudden burning stung his eyes and everything swam in front of him. He took another swallow of beer. He wondered how many he would have to drink before his sorrows were sufficiently drowned. Hopefully not too many, or he would surely be vomiting again.
When he'd downed about half the bottle, he came to the conclusion this wasn't the answer. It wasn't settling well with his already upset, completely empty stomach. He quit drinking the stuff and just sat there, twisting the bottle on the table top, picking at the label.
The incident between him and Kyle before he'd left the house shoved forcefully into his mind without warning, or permission. He ducked his head and squeezed his eyes shut. What the fuck had he been thinking? How was it he was even able to fuck Kyle after what he'd done last night? Was he really that weak and pathetic, that all Kyle had to do was kiss him and it was on? Regardless of all the other bullshit?
"Apparently so." Nate muttered bitterly and took another drink of the now warm beer. He cleared his throat and shoved the bottle away. That was some nasty shit now.
The jukebox went silent as the current song ended. Nate wasn't paying attention to the music until the next song began and the words cut through him, tearing his heart in pieces.
'Suppose I called you up tonight and told you that I loved you, and suppose I said I want to come back home...'
"Fuck." Nate choked back a sob. Tears filled his eyes in an instant.
'And suppose I said I think I've finally learned my lesson, and I'm tired of spending all my time alone. If I told you that I realize you're all I ever wanted, and it's killing me to be so far away, would you tell me that you loved me too and would we cry together...'
"Fuckin'...country shit." Nate's throat closed and he swiped at a tear draining down his face. He slid out of the booth and walked quickly to the door, stepping out into the late morning air. His chest was tight as he drew in a deep breath then released it with a shaky sigh. He climbed back in his truck but just sat behind the wheel without starting it. He had no place to go, and he didn't want to go home till he was certain Kyle was gone.
Every thought of the man twisted his insides into excruciating knots. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Warm tears slid down his temples. How could it be over, just like that? Kyle was the one thing in his life that had always been constant. When everything else changed or went to shit...his friendship with Kyle had always been there to fall back on. Despite Kyle's smart-ass ways, he had been the one person Nate trusted most, the one who would always be there for him, no matter what.
He slid his hand up over his forehead and cried freely. "Fuck, Kyle." He choked on his sobs. "Why would you do this to us?" He squeezed his hair between his fingers and released a strangled wail. "God! What the fuck?"
He leaned forward and crossed his arms on the steering wheel and buried his face against them, his body shaking. God, why did it hurt so fucking much? He sucked in a breath as his chest shuddered, trying to calm the tears, but an assault of sobs ripped through him.
"FUCK!" He yelled and smashed his fists against the steering wheel. "How could you fucking do this?!"
It felt like hours passed as he sat there, his face buried in his arms, although it couldn't have been more than one hour. Still, it was long enough for the cab to have come and gone. Nate cleared his throat and wiped his face, then started the truck and pulled out of the tavern parking lot.
* * *
Silence met him on the other side of the door. He didn't have to search the house to know Kyle was gone. He could feel the emptiness. The hole inside his heart crumbled at the edges and grew a little bigger. Something inside him had been hoping Kyle would still be there. And what if he had been? What would he have said to the man?
What the fuck difference did it make? He was gone. That was it. Over with. Done.
A heavy chill resided in the house. Nate stepped into the living room doorway, still half expecting to see Kyle sitting on the sofa. But of course he wasn't. The room was empty, dim behind the drawn curtains, and so cold.
All he really wanted to do was go to bed, crawl beneath his blankets and try to hide from the pain stabbing at him from all directions. But if he did that now...the hurt and depression would take control and he would have a hell of a time crawling out of it. If he even could.
Just stay busy. That was the answer. Keep his mind occupied, don't give it time to think about things that would only cripple him.
Sniffing, he rubbed his damp eyes and cleared his throat. Somehow he knew that no matter what he did, or how busy he kept himself, this level of pain would never go away. It clutched at him, squeezed his heart, suffocated him. How the fuck was he supposed to fight it? It wasn't like he could fight for Kyle. The man had chosen his path in life...and Nate wasn't it. Fighting would be futile, and only cause more hurt. If the hurt could possibly be worse than this.
He walked across the room to the cold fireplace and started to squat down to grab some paper and kindling, when he stiffened and straightened up again. The picture frame that held the photo of him and Kyle from the rafting trip – was empty. The blank frame stood propped up in its place. Nate's throat squeezed tight and the tears came back in a moment. He reached out and picked up the frame, then suddenly grew still as he stared at the small white envelope that had been carefully propped up behind the frame, his name written across the front in Kyle's handwriting.
Yet it wasn't the envelope that held his unwavering attention.
Nate's hand was shaking as he reached out slowly and traced his fingertip around the edge of the gold wedding ring that lay silent and still before the letter.