So many horrible things have happened in my life, so much that I really shouldn't be scared of the Devil; however, he wasn't a physical being this time; he was a mental one. One that could destroy me from the inside out, which was worse than physical pain.
This was a whole other story. And it wasn't a happy one, so far...
"It seems that I won't be able to show you my wings any time soon, boys. That's a shame, they were really awesome." I joked in a tired voice as I basically inhaled the stack of pancakes in front of me. I was pretty sure food was spilling from my mouth as I talked. A pancake waterfall.
Sam looked up from his coffee and rose an eyebrow at me. "You had wings?"
I hum out an answer happily while scooping another bite into my mouth. The syrup was really sweet, the butter was melting, and the pancakes were super fluffy. I didn't want it to end!
I swallow hard and take a deep breath, sleeping down my eating. I was so energy deprived, I needed to gain some at least for half of the current day.
Last night wasn't the best, I didn't sleep at all, not one second of snooze. It wasn't because of that fallen angel, though. He only showed himself to me for a minute then disappears again. Simply saying a few taunting things to mess with my mind at first then leaving me to wallow in anxiety.
That bastard...
I was truly nervous. I always have had anxiety, and man, this was not helping. What was he planing to do to me since I let his old toy go and replaced it with a new one, which was myself? What tricks did he have in store for my mind since I was his new plaything? I was the only one he could do damage to, ruin my ideas and use my fears against me.
Again, I would rather take physical harm any day over that, if I had the choice.
Nightmares are what kept me up throughout the night. Sam and a Dean let me sleep on the king mattress the motel room had, and during one part of the night my terrors got so bad that the two boys decided to lay next to me on either side and keep me feeling safe, wrapping their arms around me in a cocoon. All I remembered was how warm they were against my abnormally cold body.
I woke up in a fright seeing Castiel standing at the foot of the bed, staring at all of us in silence, and I almost let out a surprised scream when I saw the boys' gigantic bodies sleeping on both sides of me, crushing me together in a Winchester sandwich. I forgot that they joined me last night to help me calm down.
I let the Castiel 'staring-into-my-soul' thing and all go after Dean explained that it was normal for him to pop up like that and observe silently (which I found sort of disturbing). I thanked them as soon as they got up for spending the night comforting me in the only way they could think of. Sort of like what I did for Sam, I just spent the night by his side to make him feel safe. I felt safe.
The dreams weren't anything special, but it got me starting off the day as nervous and paranoid as ever. They were mostly all flashbacks of my old family dying, and me dying because now since I couldn't heal quickly anymore; I was able to die much easier.
The only thing keeping me alive were my powers. I was clumsy, innocent with humans, an open target to monsters because of what I was, and always fell back on my powers to help me and keep me surviving. But now, my only crutch I had was gone and I was left to walk alone when I couldn't even crawl. I had no more ground to rely on, but only my instincts which were dulled since I was turned human. I had to rely on pure cleverness and skill, which I had plenty of but not as much as a regular hunter should have. I was naive as shit and even I knew that.
So basically, I was royally screwed.
"Only other phoenixes could see them regularly." I explain and they just scrunch up their noses. "But we're able to show them to other beings if we wanted to, kind of like angel wings. I never brought mine out so nobody would see them, mostly because I didn't want to freak people out or get them dirty at the ends. Plus, there was no point on showing them off. Phoenixes only use their wings to fly minimally and as an intimidation tactic. They made us look bigger and stronger. More powerful."
"So like what mammals do when they puff out their fur when facing a predator?" Sam asks.
"Exactly. Damn, I should have shown you all!" My hair falls in my face as I lift my arms up in assistance. I huff out and end up pulling it back into a white pony tail I had in my wrist.
"What were they like?" Dean was full of curiosity, and so was Sam. Castiel just had the smallest smirk on his face as he listened.
I, however, smile greatly in memory. "They hit the ground behind me when I walked, that's how big they were! They were so soft, like silk, and super smooth. They were white at the base and at the tips they would transition between all the colors fire could be, like blue, red, orange, and so forth. Oh! And it had a sunset shine to it, so whenever the light hit it, it would look like fire danced across the feathers as I moved."
"They were truly magnificent." The angel commented and we all look him.
"You could see them, Castiel?" I ask, slightly shocked
"Of course." He says as if it were obvious. "Angels poses more power than a phoenix, so they were always there for me to see."
"How come you never showed me and Sam them?" Dean shoved his Pig n' a Poke into his lith and moans in happiness. Sam seemed uncomfortable looking at the dish Dean had, and I even heard him make a comment about it being Tuesday, to which he shivered right after at an unwanted memory. I tried to ignore that as best I could, not wanting to dwell on it for too long. Not like I could read his mind to find out.
Dean guzzles down some black coffee as I guzzle my juice, and focuses back on me. Cas sat next to Dean, across from Sam and I in the booth, and didn't eat anything. He just stared out the window, watching the bees fly by and land on the flowers outside the diner. I thought I even saw him smirk at the little insects buzzing around. He seemed very peacful watching them.
I found out that Meg had bailed on us and went off on her own after I passed out the day or two before (I couldn't even remember). She helped the boys get me to the car, but then that was it. I was sort of glad, she still pissed me off to no end. Even if she could actually kill me now, I still would give her a piece of my mind if Dean let me. But my promise was still kept. And even if I wasn't a Phoenix anymore, my heart still kept all my memories and rules close to me.
The spell took away my powers, not my mind set and heart. At least I still had that.
I shrug and push my now empty glass of orange juice away, satisfied with it. "Never got around to it, but that's alright. I wish I did now that I don't have them anymore..."
That was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever said before.
"I didn't think it was possible for anything supernatural other than angels to have wings, though." Sam commented with a perplexed face.
"Well," I poke his nose and smile tiredly. This whole human thing was already getting to me and it had only been a night. "You thought wrong, gigantor. I'm a fire bird, birds have wings, what did you expect?"
He stutters. "I-uh, I don't... know?"
I exaggerate my shrug again at his answer and take another huge bite of the pancakes. I groan in frustration and the boys look at me weird.
"How is this sooooo good?!" I ask out loud with a mouth full of breakfast. They all shake their heads at me in embarrassment when people turned to look at us. I didn't even care. I didn't have the energy to. It was early in the morning, around 7:30 and Dean decided to give me a treat and make me feel better from having my powers taken away by letting us go out for breakfast.
It was all new to me. I was happy, very happy compared to last night. I was still upset at what happened, obviously. Strikingly upset. But I wanted to just enjoy all the good that I got today. Even if it was just getting joy from a stack of buttermilk pancakes, completely submerged in thick, maple syrup.
The little things made a big difference.
"Take it easy, kid. You're gonna get cramps if you eat too fast. Your stomach is not going to feel well after this." Dean said in a matter-of-factly way and pulls my plate away from me as I speed up my eating.
"Shut up, mom." I practically growl at him when he touches the plate, but he was having none of it. He looked offended after I called him that, which almost made me choke on my food. Ripping the plate from my hands, he pulls it over to Cas to let the angel keep me from eating.
I stare at him in anger. "What the hell, Dean?! I'm hungry!"
"You're going to explode at the rate you were eating." He explains with a 'duh' voice. That caught Cas's attention.
"She won't explode from eat-" he starts but Dean makes him shut up with one stone look. He goes back to being silent and observes the bees with a slightly pouted face and folded hands. He was just shut down! Damn!
"Give me a break, damn it! I need to eat! I haven't eaten in four days since I didn't need to, unlike now when I have to freaking eat three times a day!" I cross my arms and pout. Sam just awkwardly rubs my back for a second before letting go when I shoot him a pissed off look. He backs into the booth more by the window. "I'm tired, I'm emotional, I feel like I can eat a truck, and I need my energy. Being human is already taking a toll on me."
"Well, sorry for not sugar coating this, but I don't care so get the hell over it!" Dean snaps back and I lean back in my seat, suddenly upset at him for yelling at me.
I felt the sting of tears filling my eyes as silence ticked by and we kept eye contact. I didn't mean to make him yell at me or to get mad, I just wanted to eat in peace! And now he was mad, all because of me!
"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean t-to make you angry." I apologize but my voice cracks as I speak. He seems to calm down and his stern face was replaced by a guilty one, slowly having panic creep its way into his expression.
"Oh no." He mumbled and shakes his head. They all noticed my tears falling down my face and started to slightly get uncomfortable at this. They didn't know what to do to help me, neither did I. Even Cas looked as if he was wanting to get out of the booth and walk away from us three. He would have flashed away if he wasn't in public with all these eyes on him.
"Dean!" Sam scowled at his brother. "You made her cry, way to go!"
The Winchester shuffled in his booth. "I didn't mean to! I swear."
"You did not need to take her food away." Castiel quietly comments and Dean gives him an unbelievable expression. "Do not give me that face, Dean."
"What?! She was going to eat so much that she would throw up later. I was just trying to get her to slow down." He defended. "She isn't used to being human yet, obviously." He accused me which only made me cry more. People were looking at us with concerned and disturbed expressions, giving us strange stares once more.
"You didn't need to take all of it and yell at her, Dean." Cas glares at him. "She was just hungry. She needs to eat, gain energy."
"She is going to get cramps, Cas, and I didn't mean to yell! Jesus!"
"My step-brother has nothing to do with this situation."
They sounded like an old married couple, in my opinion. I couldn't help but mentally laugh at the sound of them bickering.
Since my powers held back my emotions by a good amount, I didn't have anything to hold my emotions anymore. I was free to feel anything a human could, but the sad part is, is that I was having huge mood swings because of it. I wasn't used to feeling great emotion with anything, except for sadness, to be honest. I couldn't control my emotions, yet. It was getting out of hand. But it wasn't my complete fault this was happening.
Who was I kidding?
Yes, it was my fault. It seemed that everything was my fault for the longest time, and I couldn't help but belive that.
But back to the emotions, it was like I was on my damn period but only eternally. And yes, even phoenixes got periods; humans aren't that special, okay? All these mood swings and acting all emotional yet strange, it was like Hell 2.0. Seriously though, think about how horrible that is, ladies! I'll say it louder for the ones in the back.
"Look, I didn't mean to make you cry, kid. I'm sorry." Dean reaches across the table and awkwardly wipes a tear away from my cheek. I just sniffle and stop crying quickly, soon smiling in a shy and sad manner.
"I know." I shake my head and wrap my arms around my shoulders. "I forgive you."
He lightened up. "Good."
"But don't take my food like that ever again." My voice suddenly turned into a very threatening voice and he shot my plate at me with panic. I go from scowling to smiling in a second, taking another bite of my pancakes again. Sam laughs at his brother and Dean groans, laying his head in his hand with a pissed off manor. Cas looked amused at the three of us.
"Looks like we a have a female who will always act like she is on her period..." I hear Dean mumble under his breath and he soon shuts his mouth when I give him another dangerous look.
See what I mean? Lord help us all.
After the delightful breakfast, we all were back on the road again. Castiel disappeared to who-knows-where, so that left the boys and I in the impala to drive around and look for more jobs we needed to take care of. Well, jobs for the boys. I decided, and very reluctantly, that I would most likely sit the next one out because I wasn't exactly myself. The Winchesters agreed with frowns but knew it was for the best. I didn't want to because the next job we found seemed like a good one, but very confusing.
While driving, Sam was practically radiating off the feeling guilt. Everyone could notice it, and especially me. It was clear to see he felt bad about how I was now suffering.
I was still super worn out so I was left slumped in the back seat with my huge gray sweatshirt and black leggings on, leaning against the left door and staring absentmindedly out the car window. I wasn't really thinking about one particular thing, mostly just small things that went and left quickly. I thought about how the trees looked beautiful in the gray atmosphere of the cloudy day, and how the clouds were clearing speedily. I thought of my current state for a second but then dropped it, I didn't want the certain fallen angel to appear out of nowhere and haunt me just yet.
But mostly, I thought about the look Sam would give me every so often during the ride, as him and Dean conversed about whatever. I couldn't hear them, I was listening to music the entire time.
When I would be looking out the window, I would get a glimps of the youngest Winchester staring st me in the window's reflection. Noticing that I spotted him, he would turn to face foreward as I tried to make eye contact with him. He did this for about 15 minutes until I yanked my earbuds out and took my attention away from the window completely.
"What is it, Sam?" I asked in a hoarse voice. He seemed to flinch when I asked this and Dean took his attention off the road, glancing at his brother.
"Yeah," Dean commented. "You've been turning around every freaking second. She's not going to just disappear, you know?" He joked around a little, it was in his voice, but Sam wasn't laughing. He was dead serious.
"I just still can't believe you did that." He lowly says and I sigh, sitting up and leaning forward. He was really going to argue about this again? The moose rolled his eyes in annoyance and gave his brother the biggest bitch-face I have ever witness. Holy shit, the sass was way too much.
"Seriously, Sam?" I say in a pleading way. "Are you really bringing this up? I already told you that it's okay."
"Yeah, but look at you." He turns around and Dean looks at me through the front mirror. "You look like you're dying and you only felt like this for one day. And he hasn't even come to you yet."
Dean gives me a narrow-eyed look. "He hasn't come to you yet, right?"
I shake my head and cough a little. "Not yet, thank god."
"Tell me if he ever does, okay?" He asks and when I nod he goes back to scolding me. "But you didn't have to put this on yourself for someone you haven't known for a long time. You didn't have to sacrifice yourself."
"I didn't, I sacrificed my powers." I hint back with a smug smile. Then I glare. "But Jesus Christ, man, it was my choice to help you. Your guilt is, like, radiating off onto me and is making me feel guilty about it, too. Don't make me second guess this!"
"Of course I feel guilt over this, you are hurting becuase of me. You get this for lying to us."
"But I can handle it. And I don't regret it!"
"So you know I'm right!" He hollars back.
"Right with what?" I glare in return.
He gives me the signature bitch-face now. Damn... "Right in how you are hurting."
"No, I'm not. I can deal with this and am feeling better than ever." I say in retaliation but even I knew I was lying to him, blindly.
"You just said you are hurting, though!"
"Did not."
"Did to."
"Did not."
"Did to."
"Did not!"
"Did t-!"
The impala swerves and makes a loud screeching noise. I let out a scream and grab onto the door handle, wides eyes and jumpy. Sam yelps and holds onto the handle too, cursing loudly. Spinning the wheel back into place and getting the car under control, Dean finally puts it back in a straight course on the road.
"If both of you don't shut up, I swear to god I'm turning this car right around! Understand?!" He yells with annoyance and we both shut our mouths closed instantly. He did that on purpose...
"You asshat..." I mumble under my breath but they don't hear me.
With Sam and I glaring at each other and Dean, not saying a word, the sound of a muffled phone ringing could be heard over the sound of the running engine. It breaks our concentration and I go back to looming out the window. Sam looks out his window, too, shaking his head in anger.
Dean curses under his breath and reaches down into his pocket, yanking out a black flip-phone. The same one he used to track down Sam when he went rouge with Lucifer that one night a couple months ago.
I get a small look at Dean rolling his eyes when he checks the caller ID, then answers whit a pissed off expression.
"What's up, Garth? It's been a while." He says with one hand on the steering wheel. My eyes snap or widely and I lean foreward again, listening to his conversation. I brighten up a little.
Garth knew the Winchesters? If I knew this before than I forgot completely.
Dean jumps at my sudden actions but goes back to driving steadily. Sam gives me a curious look but listen ins on the phone conversation.
"Hey, Dean." Garth's chipper voice speaks and I smile a little. "I've got a job you may want."
"Alright, send me the coordinates." He said back and hung up.
Well, that was rude.
I glare at the back of Dean's head, judging him on how he didn't have to be so harsh, and he sees me through the mirror. All I see from his face is an offended look. I would have laughed if I wasn't so pissed.
"What?" He asks in a higher voice. Yep, he was offended.
"You didn't need to hang up like that." I groan and cross my arms in a childish way. "You could have said goodbye or something, not be rude to him."
He keeps his eyes on the road. "It's just Garth. It doesn't matter."
Oh, that hit a nerve.
"What do you mean'its just garth'?" I ask in a low voice, wanting the attention of Sam again. He turns around and looks at me, stunned by my tone.
"Why are you getting so defensive over him?" He asks me but in a smaller voice, almost calmly. I huff at them both.
Without answering him, I glare out the window, ignoring their stares and whispers amount themselves. I overheard some of their talk for the rest of the ride before we got to our hunting destination, mostly saying how 'he didn't really live up to the hunter style' and other things like how he 'was annoying'.
Sure, what they were saying we're small things that should just blow over my shoulder. But I couldn't help but feel myself become upset and tear up at the way they treated my friend, even if just for a second. Garth was the only friend I had for a long time and was a total sweetheart to everyone he met. All he gave to people was a smile, yet I knew that people treated him like dirt because yes, he was a little corny or not like the rest of hunters -all gruff and rough looking. But that's why I loved him the most, he was different. Just like I was. He accepted me just for who I was, too, how could you not love that?
A hunter helped out a monster in need with an open heart. He was the kindest soul ever, yet people were harsh to him when not needed.
Why did they need to treat him that way?
One thing was totally for sure, this was the most awkward car ride ever. Also, I wouldn't be sitting this one out. Garth needed out help, and even if I was able to barely stay awake in the car or that I didn't have my powers anymore, I would fight with him. I would kill this thin with him, just like old times.
Because he was my friend and he needed me, too. Of course I would help, it didnt even seem like a hard hunt, anyways.
But we would really see if I was ready to get back in the game right away once we come face to face with monster we were tracking.
I was hoping that was a yes.