Chapter 17 ~ Liam
After Manchester we go back to London for a few more shows and then a break before leaving the country to visit the others in Europe. Since the infructuous date with Tammy the other day and she leaving without saying goodbye —even Sky came to say goodbye to each one of us—, I haven’t called her or anything. I’ve wanted to, but every time I want to call her, I tell myself that I have to give her space and I have to figure some things out myself.
I know I fancy her, I know I’m pursuing something with her. I have no idea if that’s going to work or not, but I have to try. But Tammy is a real piece of work. I’m not sure what I can do to get closer to her, I try to think but nothing comes to my mind. How can I make her trust me so she can open up to me? How can I make her see that she is not as bad as she thinks she is?
It’s frustrating and I guess I should just give up. Phebs is right and maybe there’s someone better suited for me out there, but would that person intrigue me as Tammy does? Would that person attract me with such a strong force as Tammy does? I can’t stop thinking how different things would be if Tammy trusted me, even a little bit.
During the ride back to London I’m not the only one who seems lost in thoughts, Louis is acting weird and he hasn’t said a thing since we came here, ready to go.
“You okay, Lou?” I ask him because it’s good to focus on something else besides Tammy. “You’ve been zoning out all this time.”
“Yeah, I’m okay,” he answers absentmindedly but I keep staring at him. He’s been acting weird the whole day, and so has Kay. I wonder if something happened between them yesterday.
Paul told us about the burning pile of Starbucks cups when I came back from my yet again failed date and after Harry had paid his bet. We tried to talk to Louis yesterday, but he didn’t allow us to. Paul said he left him with Kay and he didn’t know what happened after but that he said he was ready to call a mental institution. He was really worried. I guess everyone is worried about Louis and how he is taking everything. It’s been a long time since he broke up with Eleanor and he doesn’t seem to be doing better.
“You and Kay are a couple of weirdoes. No one says anything!” I say because we tried asking Kay as well, but it didn’t work either.
Louis jumps at the mention of her name and that catches my attention because that only means this has to do with her. Really, what happened? He is lost in his thoughts again and I frown at him, getting mad that I don’t understand what’s going on.
“And there you go again, zoning out. Mate, get a grip,” I complain.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly, no bitterness in his voice this time. Just a simple apology. “I just have a lot in my head right now.”
I stay in silence, mesmerised by the way those words leave his lips. For the last couple of months he’s been always touchy about us saying things to him, always shouting at us to leave him alone, that he is fine. He hasn’t really apologised —except when he told Harry, Niall and Zayn those things— to any of us in that way… no since before he broke up with Eleanor.
“You sound like the old you… almost.” I trail off, impressed for this little change in his voice.
“I—” he tries, but nothing really comes out of his mouth yet. “I’ll go take a nap. I don’t feel quite well after all,” he finally manages to say and I nod, not pushing him further this time and by when he leaves, a little smile plays on my lips.
I don’t know what happened, what Kay did this time, but it changed something in Louis. I don’t know how she is attacking his armour, but I think she is making progress and I hope she succeeds because we’re all counting on her to help Louis.
We all want our best friend back.
+ + + + +
Before our last concert in London, I go to visit my family for a few days. I could go to the charity, or even try to find new causes to support, but I haven’t seen my family in so long and I’ve missed them. Plus, Tammy said that if I were to go to You Matter it had to be for the children and right now I know it wouldn’t be only for them, so I wait.
At home everyone seems to be doing fine and when I get there I am drowned in love. Especially Mum’s, she can’t let go of me. And it’s good to be home, to have my mum doing everything for me. It’s great to be independent and being able to do everything I want when I want, but I miss home sometimes, I miss having someone else taking the important decisions for me. Plus, since we went to the charity, I appreciate my family’s love even more.
Right now we’re in the kitchen, she is making pie —yes, just for me— while the telly is on. I don’t pay attention to what it’s on, I’m way too entertained talking to my mum, telling her all that had happened lately with the band and the plans we have next. I tell her about the documentary, the gig we played in Manchester, the charity, the lads —especially Louis— and how excited I am for the next part of the tour.
She listens carefully and smiles or makes little comments here and there.
“Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. He will be fine. People get tired of anger faster than they get tired of sadness,” she tells me when I’m telling her how worried we are about Louis.
“I hope you’re right. The other day he was acting weird, and so was Kay,” I carry on and she nods, telling me she is paying attention although she seems very concentrated in her cooking.
“I like that girl. She must be very strong for doing all this. We know how headstrong Louis is.” I chuckle because she is right, Louis is one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met.
In that moment when none of us says anything, I hear a familiar voice saying the name of a very familiar band and my head snaps in the telly direction. And on the screen I see Alan Carr, who has interviewed us many times already, announcing his new big guest. For first time in the show: Prodigy.
And I see them, the four of them walking with big smiles on their faces and greeting Alan before sitting on the sofa. He seems delighted to have them with him and I can’t take my eyes off of the telly. I didn’t know they were going to be there. My eyes focus on Tammy with her colourful outfit, always calling attention with the way she dresses. She looks beautiful.
“Oh, I’ve seen these girls loads of times on the telly this week! They are quite famous, aren’t they?” Mum says offhandedly.
“They are,” I agree still with my eyes locked on the telly screen. “We played with them in Manchester. They are part of the same cause,” I add and I heard the exclamation of surprise.
“They are quite… odd. I like the blonde one, she is always nice and friendly. I don’t like the one with fringe, she is very rude,” Mum carries on and I look at her this time, feeling a strangling nod in my belly. She doesn’t like Tammy either, which doesn’t surprise me, no one seems to like her but the girls. Yet still, I would like my family, or at least Mum, to approve of her.
“She is not that bad,” I say, standing up for Tammy and Mum cocks an eyebrow questioningly. “She is very, very nice with all the kids in the charity. They love her.” I add but I don’t sound too convinced.
“But Tammy is dating Liam, is she not?” Alan says and my head shoots back to watch what’s on the telly this time. I feel my Mum tensing, her eyes on me. “We have evidence,” the host adds showing the picture of Tammy and I the other day in Manchester, when I took her to the café.
“Liam, are you dating that awful girl?” Mum asks and I hear the recrimination in her voice.
“Alan, love,” she leans in to touch Alan’s knee as she speaks. “Have you seen the Noob? Have you really seen him? And then look at me. I’m surprised you’re even asking this. I would never date him.” She says with an amused smirk and Alan seems surprised. She sounds so… condemning of me. “And about his fans… they are twelve-year-old kids, I don’t really care about their opinions. They shouldn’t even have twitter yet! So who is the bad person here?”
“Liam!” Mum exclaims and I flinch, knowing that what will come next is not going to be nice. I turn around slowly, carefully. She is glaring at me, her hands on her hips and she looks intimidating. “Since when are you dating this girl? Why didn’t you tell me about it? I don’t like her for you.”
“We’re not dating,” I say and those words weigh, giving me a heavy feeling in my chest.
“And I hope you’ll never date her. She’s awful! Look how she talked about you right now! Why are you even friends with her?”
“Mum, really, she is not that bad. She just acts like that—”
“Why?” Mum cuts me off. “If she is not like that, then she is pretending, lying to all their fans, which also makes her a bad person and I don’t want you with someone like her. I rather you be with Danielle than with that girl!”
Mum is angry and my eyes shoot wide open at her words.
Mum never really liked Danielle, she always said she was too old for me, that she was forcing me to grow faster than I should and those things. She never said Danielle was a bad girl, she just didn’t like her for me, she always thought Danielle would be better off with someone older, her age maybe. I guess that if Danielle and I had started dating now instead of when I was seventeen, Mum would’ve never reacted like this.
Nevertheless, she is saying Tammy is awful, and she really seems to hate the idea of the lead singer of Prodigy and I together, although that’s what I actually want. I know Tammy doesn’t help people to have a better opinion of her and I want to tell Mum that she is not bad, but Tammy makes everything hard with her statements, her blunt opinions and the way she talks about me. I know there’s more behind all this rebel and rude mask she wears, but not everyone realises that. Certainly, not Mum.
“Mum, I swear she is not that bad.”
“I don’t want you to be with her, Liam. Trust me, she is no good for you. I’m your mother, you know I always want the best for you and I can see this girl is not for you. Please, promise me you won’t date her.”
“Mum,” I plead but she shakes her head.
“Liam, I don’t want her to change you and turn you in a horrible person like her. When you were with Danielle you were so different and you know you adapt to everyone. If you date her, you’ll start acting like her just so she can accept you. I don’t want you doing those things. Please,” she insists and her words hurt me, but she is right. I change, I adapt so the other person will accept me. Especially when they don’t really accept who I am, so I turn into something they would like better.
I want to defend Tammy, but I don’t know her enough to convince my mum that Tammy is not awful, that there’s a reason why she is like that. But I don’t know that reason; I can’t say anything in her favour.
“Don’t worry, Mum. She doesn’t want me near her, so you have nothing to worry about,” I tell her, very conscious that I haven’t promised to stay away from her or not to try to have something.
Mum doesn’t look convinced but she ends up sighing heavily. “I just don’t want you to change, Liam.”
“I won’t, not for Tammy,” I tell her and she actually cringes at the mention of her name.
It’s very frustrating that everyone seems to be against what I want with her and it sucks. This is already hard enough and not having their support only makes things worse. I just wish at least one would support me here.
-:-:-:-
Dedication to @Parallel because that was super accurate. It's not only about running from your past, it's about hiding from yourself. Tammy doesn't really want to know herself. But you can't do that forever.
Bel, xx