A week and a half later..
"Are you alright mummy?" Kenny asked as I cooked dinner. My mind has been so occupied. Niall went to the gym to blow off steam, lately he has been doing that more and more. It seemed like lately we had been drifting from each other. And I hated it, and I knew it was my fault. I was so busy with Kenny and my mom was talking of divorce it had been a long few weeks.
I blinked, "Yeah baby. I am. Grilled cheese and soup is almost ready."
"I'm not hungry." I bent down to look at him, "Baby, you haven't eaten in a while."
He shrugged, "I just don't feel hungry anymore."
I nodded with a sad smiled, "Okay. Whatever you want Kenny. I love you."
He smiled, a small dimple appeared on the right side of his mouth, "I love you too mummy."
I pulled him in for a hug, I closed my eyes. My mind started to drift off to a world without him. And it was cold and cruel. So I pulled away from those thoughts.
"Mummy." Kenny said into my shoulder.
"Yes?" I touched his soft head.
"Can we decorate for Christmas tonight?"
"Of course." I smiled it was only December 2nd and I don't usually decorate till the 10th, but I'd make an exception for my boy.
"Will Niall be home?" Kenny asked.
I pulled a smile, "Yeah he will. Don't you worry. How about you go get in jammies and we will pull out decorations?"
His eyes lit up, "OK!" And he dashed off to his room.
I stood up and turned off the stove. Niall had put all the decorations in my room in the closet. And the tree was under his bed in a box.
I walked out of the kitchen and turned on the TV to Christmas music. I smiled as I watched Kenny come into the room. He was so excited, just like I had been when I was a kid.
We started to untangle lights and plugged them in to make sure that they worked. I began to assemble the small tree, "Mum, what's your favorite Christmas moment?"
"Well, I was 14 years old and my we lived America. It snowed a lot but for some reason that winter we didn't get much. And when Grammy and Papie asked what I wished from Santa, I just wanted snow. I prayed every night for snow. It just didn't feel like Christmas without it." I spoke to him.
"Did it snow?" He questioned.
I nodded, "Yeah, it did. I thought it was a Christmas miracle."
"What's a miracle?" He tried to say but it came out as muracle.
"It's-" I frowned as I tried to grasp what I thought it was, "Something unexpected that changes everything."
"Is it bad or good?"
"Always good. You're a perfect example." He blushed as he hung ornaments too close together. But I left him continue.
When the tree was finally up, Kenny rubbed at his eyes, "I'm tired."
"Let's get you to bed, baby." I picked him up and I carried him to his room. It was bright blue with grey whales painted on his walls. He had recently fell in love with the giant creature. But his love for Dr. Suess had not yet diminished. There was a cat in the hat sitting at the bottom of the ocean painted walls, leaning against a rock reading a book. There was red fish, blue fish, and green fish. Thing one and two were fishing on the docks.
I laid him on his bed, I kissed his head. Soft and delicate. I still remember the first night I got him to sleep.
"Leonora?" My mom questioned as she came into Kenny's nursery. I looked at her frantic, the baby in my arms wailing.
"Mom, I don't know what to do. He won't stop crying." I panicked and paced the room.
"Nora, calm down." She said. I couldn't. I had just became a few days ago and calm wasn't in my vocabulary. I began breathing in and out, my heart felt like it was going to damn near burst out of my chest.
"Will you hold him?" I started to cry frustrated tears. "MOM. Help me."
"Leonora." She said firmly, "He is your son. He knows when you are afraid, it makes him afraid. Be sure of yourself honey."
More tears came down my face, "Mommy, I can't. Please. He doesn't like me. You are so good with kids. I'm not."
She simply shook her head, Kenny still wailed in my arms. I had tried everything. Binkie, food, blanket, rocking, everything. But nothing soothed him.
"Sit down." My mother instructed. I sat in the rocking chair in the corner of the room. Kenny continued crying.
"Support his head a little more." I did. "Rock him slowly and steady."
I looked up at my mother, panic still in my eyes. She smiled as she handed me his binkie. I took a deep breath and put it in his mouth. The crying ceased.
"Hum a little. It will help him. He's use to hearing your voice."
"Mom, I can't do this. Please."
"Just try. Nora, come on. Do you want to get him to sleep?"
I nodded, my heart still raced. Pull it together, Nora. You can do this, hopefully. But he was so small and breakable. I cleared the thoughts out of my head and I began to hum, When I Look At You by Miley Cyrus. The only song I had been listening to for weeks now.
I closed my eyes as I rocked and hummed. My heart slowly started to settle. After a few minutes, I opened my eyes Kenny was asleep in my arms.
"I did it." I spoke softly, looking up at my mom. She smiled, "I'm proud of you. Come let's put him in his crib."
I shook my head. "Honey, he won't wake up."
"I want him a little l-longer."
"I'm so proud of you. And he will be too."
"Mummy?" He asked.
"Yeah?" I smiled.
"I love you."
"I love you more." I planted another kiss on his head.
. . .
I was cleaning up dinner when Niall came in. "Wow it looks great in here."
"Kenny couldn't wait." I made a smile. Niall sat his gym bag down and came over to me.
I continued to work on cleaning. I wanted to ask him if I had done something but I wouldn't. No matter how much I really wanted to.
"How was the gym?" I asked.
"It was good. Definitely helping me for tomorrow's game." He stretched.
I clenched my jaw and onto the pan. Don't do it, Nora.
"What's going on? Are you okay." He asked.
I closed my eyes, then I brushed past him and put the pan in the kitchen. "Did I do something?" He continued.
"I dunno. Did you? Did I?" I responded. "You've been so distant lately ever since the hospital."
"Nora."
"Niall this isn't new. You are never here anymore."
"I have practice. Not everyone gets to have time off." He scoffed.
"Are you serious?" I demanded. He shrugged, "It's the truth. I'm sorry that I've been earning money to pay bills."
"And I'm not?!" I snarled. "I have hospital bills up to my head, Niall."
"And I have to pay rent." He countered.
I shook my head, "wow."
"Wow what?"
"You're comparing my son's cancer treatment to rent? That's- never mind. Okay so you go to work and play soccer? Okay. But after work you go to the gym and god knows where else."
"If you have something to say, say it!"
"Why are you pushing me away?!" I yelled, "I need you more than ever. And you aren't even there anymore."
He didn't say anything. Tears welled up in my eyes, "I don't know what I've done or Kenny but if you want us to go, you should have just said."
"God, that's not what I'm wanting!" He yelled. "I don't know how to deal with this Nora!"
"What do you want then Niall?! What about when Da-"
"Don't. That is different. I didn't have anyone else that needed support. I NEEDED the support. I didn't get it though. I don't know how to comfort you, Nora. And it drives me insane to see you and Kenny hurting and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I want to be there for you. But hearing that's it k-k" Tears streamed down his face, "Killing him even faster than expected. God, I dunno how to respond. I can't look into his room without feeling hopeless. When you look at me, I feel worthless because I can't give you the comfort you deserve. I feel like shit every day because I constantly disappoint you. I can see it. Ever since the hospital, you seem disappointed in me. And I'm trying, Nora. We all cope in different ways. I'm trying to understand how hard this is going to be when I have to say goodbye to him."
Tears streamed down both of our faces, before I could respond a little voice interrupted.
"Mummy? Niall? Why you yelling? It hurts my ears." Kenny stood there, clutching onto the bear Niall brought him when he was in the hospital.
"I'm sorry buddy. Come on let's go back. Your mom and I were talking." Niall said.
"Loudly." He corrected.
Niall nodded, "Yeah. We're sorry. We won't yell again."
I wiped my eyes, "mummy why you crying?"
"I'm okay baby. I'll take you back to bed."
"Nora, I got it." He offered his hand to Kenny who took it.
I closed my eyes and headed into my room. I changed into shorts and a tank top. I heard Niall's voice down the hall. I couldn't make out the words.
I put my hair in a ponytail, I crawled into bed and turned out the light. I faced the wall with the window and my back to the door. I wanted tonight to disappear into nothing. I stared at the clock on my nightstand that blinked how slow time was going. A hour later, the door opened. A strip of low light danced on my grey walls.
Then it closed, I sighed. But then the bed creaked under the weight that had been added. I smelt Niall's shampoo of mint and his body wash that smelt like rain.
He didn't reach out to touch me, but I heard his soft breathing. If felt like we were a million miles away. Even though my bed was a full it felt bigger.
My heart felt like it was truly going to break. I laid flat on my back, hands at my side. I looked up and the ceiling, wanting to say something.
I was praying for a sign that everything would be okay. But a deep part of me felt like it wouldn't.
"I know." He said into the night, "I know I should have comforted you. But when the doctor told us it felt like someone had ripped out my heart. All of again. And I didn't know how to react. I'm a coward and I ran from everything. But Nora, I never meant to abandon you. I wanted to get this hurt out of me. And I know your heart is hurting. But-" his voice stopped.
"I hate this feeling. That we're so close but so far. I'm selfish and reckless. But Nora, I'm hopelessly in love with you. I will be here for you, always. I don't want you to say anything. Okay? But I love you. More than it seems."
Then, his hand was searching for something, it moved around under the sheets. I closed my eyes, then his hand found what it was wanting.
His warm palm came into contact with my cold one. And that's how we fell asleep.
A/n: I am so sorry for not updating! I feel so bad. I planned on it a while ago but shit hit the fan all at once in my life. Things changed. But I got my first lead in my play. And it went great. Anyway, I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and wonderful new year. I was trying to keep the dates in line with the real date but it isn't going to happen. Thank you for being so understanding! You are the best. I hope you enjoyed it. All the love.
Xoxo