I slid my heels on and looked at myself in the full-length mirror. I wasn't ready for the day ahead. I never ever thought I'd be in this position, but here I am... I was burying Nick today... My worst fear had officially come true and in that very moment, I didn't think my life could get any worse. I had hit rock bottom.
I grabbed my purse off the bed as I heard my doorbell ring. I walked down the hallway and looked out the window. A black SUV was parked on the curb and I knew that was my ride. I couldn't put it off any longer, it was time. I went into the foyer and opened the door. "Miss Woods, General Wilson asked me to escort you to the ceremony," Logan said almost as if he were asking for approval.
"Very well and Lieutenant, could you do me a favor?" I ask as I lock my door.
He nods, "Yes, ma'am."
"Could you please stop calling me Miss Woods? I feel like an old lady when I hear that. Caroline will do just fine." That wasn't a lie. Every time I heard someone address me in that manner, I always felt like my mother and longer I did without that, the better off I'd be.
He smirks. "Only if you call me Logan."
"Deal."
We get in the car and head toward the funeral home. It's pretty silent throughout the entire car ride, which was fine with me, since I'm sure I'll be talking enough when I get in there. I had decided it was best to have the visitation and funeral the same day. It was best for everyone this way and so I thought...
Logan parked the car at the back of the parking lot in line with a row other SUV's, identical to one we were driving. Once the keys were out of the ignition, you would have expected us to get out and go inside, but instead, we just sat there for a few minutes. "I can tell you, without a doubt, there's going to be a lot of people here. I know for a fact that there's already 30 soldiers in there and I wanted to tell you, if at any point you need to step out for a minute or if for some reason, someone shows up that you don't want here, just tell me. I'll make sure that it's taken care of quietly."
At first, I didn't answer. I just stared out the window and kept my thoughts to myself, until one of them slipped. "So, does this happen to every fallen soldier's family?" I ask out of curiosity.
He glances at me. "What do you mean?"
"All of this... I mean, going to the airport, the General's arrival... All that?"
He nods. "Surprisingly, yes. The United States is proud of its military and they take great responsibility for the family of a fallen hero."
"That's very kind..." I mutter under my breath.
He sighs. "Look, Caroline, I know that you're the type of person who wants to deal with everything alone and in your time. I see how awkward you are around all of us and I just want to say that it's okay. I've dealt with this a few times too many. Everybody deals with it a different way and I promise, it'll get better."
"Can we go in or are we waiting on someone?" I ask, changing the subject.
"No, they're all waiting on you."
"Let's go then." I hop out of the car and pull myself together. When I'm ready, Logan and I walk inside. Currently, only soldiers are in the building. They're stationed randomly around the room. I see the General beside the shiny black casket upfront with the American flag draped over it. I walk up to the front and take my place at the head of the casket. The General is at the foot and Logan takes his place behind me. "Ms. Woods, are you ready for the doors to be opened?" The General asks.
"Yes, sir."
"Proceed." He signals.
And with that single word, a crowd pours in. Between friends and family, this place is packed. A little anxiety rises up in my chest. I had never been good with large crowds, they just make me claustrophobic and nervous. "You alright?" Logan whispers from behind me.
"Yes." I lie.
Everyone forms a line as they walk around, paying their respects. They all speak to me, telling me how sorry they are as they reflect on good times. "Oh my goodness! I can't believe it! It's really you!" A woman comes up to me, engulfing me in a hug. Logan steps forward. "Sorry, sorry! I'm not a creeper, promise!" She says to him. "I went to school with Caroline." She adds, smiling. Logan looks to me, I nod, and he steps back in his place. "So, remember me?" She asks.
"Alexandria Wilder?" I ask, unsure of my guess.
"Yeah! I sat next to you and Nick in English, freshman year! You both were so cute! It's such a shame he left so soon..." She frowns.
"Um, yeah... So, how are you?" I ask, as she smiles.
"Well, I'm married! After graduation, I went to college in Florida and met a football player. We have a little girl named Emma. We found out last week, we're expecting another!"
"Oh, that's great, congratulations!" I fake smile.
"Thanks, we're both very excited! How about you? Did you and Nick..."
I struggled to find the words. "No, um, we had just gotten engaged when he..."
"Oh, I'm really sorry... So tragic..." She excuses herself and walks away.
Thank God. She was way too bubbly for this event... I step back to where Logan is standing. "I need some air..." He nods toward the side door and I exit without any problems.
It was a rather hot, sunny day, but it looked as if some storm clouds were rolling in... I walk over to a field behind the funeral home. It was completely empty.
No trees. No animals. No nothing.
I walk a few minutes then sit down in the center of it. I take a deep breath as I feel a sting deep in my chest. I can't hold myself together anymore. I can't pretend everything will be okay, when clearly it's not. Ever since I found out about Nick, I had been holding it all in and I just couldn't do it anymore.
I finally just let it all out.
The anger. The rage. The sadness.
Everything.
I threw a bit of a kicking, screaming, crying fit, but for the first time in my life, I needed it. The volcano inside of me had been waiting to erupt for ages and now, it finally had a reason... A while passed before I heard footsteps come up from behind me.
Logan knelt down to my level. "Good now?"
"Were you watching me?" I ask, angrily.
"A soldier doesn't lie, so yes, yes I was."
The fact that he was being honest just made me that more angry. "Look, I appreciate you helping me and all, but that doesn't give you the right to spy on me!"
"I wasn't spying. I was making sure you were okay and you didn't do anything drastic." He adds simply.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Drastic? Really? Do I look like I'd do something like that? I know you're trying to help, but I don't want all of this attention! I want to be alone."
He nods. "I told you, I know and I get it. But in order for that to happen, we have to get through this funeral."
"Ya know what I wish?" I ask, getting more and more frustrated by the minute.
"Just let it all out..." He says as we stand up.
"I wish that for once people wouldn't act like they know everything about me! You don't! You've known me for what? Like 2 days?"
"Actually, I know a lot more about you than you think. When I told you that Nick and I were good friends, I meant it. He told me everything about you."
I roll my eyes. "Okay, so maybe you know more than the rest of them, but I can't stand everyone being so nice to me! I hate it!"
"Feel better now?" He asks, smiling a bit.
I pause. "Actually... I do."
"Good, a little rage is good for the soul."
"Where do you get all of this?" I ask.
"It's just an army thing, I guess. You ready to go back inside?"
"Do I have a choice?" We walk up to the back door as Logan begins to open it. "Remember, you're never alone."