As I woke up I looked around and saw it was 10 am. Nady still laid next to me and slept like a baby.
I watched her for a while.
Sometimes she would speak in her sleep, I never could make out what she said, but it was nice watching her acting all cute.
She pulled the blanket up and cuddled in it more. She was shaking slightly.
I could tell she was cold.
I dared to move directly next to her and to hold her. I kept her cold body warm with mine.
She immediately cuddled up to me.
She still was asleep, so she wouldn't even know, that I was the one, who cuddled up to her and not the other way around.
And it was so nice. Her body felt so good in my arms. I loved to be this close to her.
I could hear her steady breath and I lifted my head to see her face sleeping calmly.
I leaned to her and kissed her cheek softly. And again. And one more time, a little bit more towards her lips.
And then I held my lips a few centimeters above hers.
I just needed to lean down the small distance and I could kiss her lips.
I didn't do it, but kissed the top of her nose instead. Softly, again.
Nothing with too much pressure that I thought would wake her up.
And I was right, she kept sleeping, as if nothing happened.
I wrapped my arms back around her body and just held her close.
I guess she didn't know how precious she was. I felt like she was safe in my arms.
I just held her tight for a minute and less tight after that. I didn't want her to wake up and start questioning me why I would hold her like this.
I laid there for a while. Like half an hour or so. Then Nady woke up slowly.
At first she stirred but then she opened her tired eyes.
"Yasmin. Good morning." she mumbled and went to cuddle up to me more.
My heart skipped a beat and I moved closer to her, immediately.
"Hey, Nady." I answered with a husky morning voice.
"What time is it? What have we planned for today?" She asked and laid her head on my cleavage.
I gulped. I'm sure she was able to hear my fast and hard heartbeat.
It did beat for her.
"It's ten thirty," I said, "we can do whatever you want to do."
"Mmm," she thought, "let's lay here for a bit and then go out for breakfast. Okay?" she asked.
"Yah, sure." I said calmly, but actually I was super excited to cuddle with her a little bit more.
She wrapped her arms harder around me and my heartbeat increased.
She had such a great effect on me, I don't know if she realized it once but she definitely affected me.
I just couldn't calm my mind around her.
I know some people who are just like me in love with their best friends. They all are freaking out about it and try to suppress the feelings so hard.
But I don't understand why. I don't mind to be in love with Nady. She's such a beautiful person, inside and outside. All her flaws are perfect. At least in my opinion.
And where is the problem in loving your best friend? Or in loving anybody who doesn't love you back?
Honestly, I don't see a problem with it.
At least you have somebody to love. Who is worth to be loved. Who is such a great person that you have those feelings for them.
Where is the problem in being in love with the most wonderful person of the world?
Again, I don't see one.
I am rather in love with Nady than not having Nady at all.
Of course it's hard sometimes. It is hard to stay strong and fight against my urges to kiss her when we are really close with our faces. It also is hard to remind myself not to tell her about my feelings.
Sometimes I wish she knew. But then, I'm afraid it will tear us apart. I don't want to lose her.
I really did give her all my love. It will be hard to lose it in a matter of a minute, I guess.
I don't want to have an empty hole in my heart. And I don't want to feel hurt.
But, I'm not this hopeless. I know it isn't for sure this would happen if she knew.
I know maybe she won't mind at all. Or be a little bit distant but love me in the best-friend-way none the less.
There are thousands of possibilities of what could happen, that our friendship ends is just one.
With all the people I have met, I know the two most usual ways.
One, the best friend will turn his or her back to you and you will most likely never talk ever again.
Two, you tell your best friend and you will start dating, because she loves you as well, or likes to give you a chance because you are very important to her.
I have heard about these two options the most.
Well, I prefer number two.
But I would have been content with Nady staying my friend and not being in love with me.
This was all I needed, her friendship. I did not necessary need her romantic love. Her friendly love was enough for me.
But in my opinion it wasn't that false to think Nady could react all positive and become my girlfriend, because she liked me or loved me in a strong way. I knew about her friendly love. Her laying like this with me was proof enough.
She held me so tight. She wouldn't do it just for fun.
She did it to show me that she cared. That she cared about me.
And I loved that thought.
I find we fit together perfectly. Our bodies were so peaceful in the way they were laying here.
Nady halfway on top of me.
Her arms around me.
My arms around her.
Our legs tangled up, just a bit.
The only thing that could make this perfect scene even more perfect was a kiss, our lips pressed against another. Or a little 'I love you' coming out of her mouth.
Even her caressing my cheeks would have been so lovely.
And her eyes looking into mine.
Or maybe all of this after another.
At first her looking up into my eyes. Then she would stroke my cheeks, lean in and kiss my lips. She would lean back whispering 'I love you, Yasmin, I am in love with you.'
This would be so nice.
Look. This is the effect she had on me. These thoughts.
She just cuddled with me and I directly thought about her wanting to be my girlfriend.
And I have to say, she made me really happy in the moment. I couldn't ask for more. It felt so right to be this close to her.
I wished for this moment to last forever.
Just her and me. We.
But this moment did end, sadly.
We laid there in silence for what felt like hours. I guess it was 30 minutes.
Then she rose her head off of my chest.
"I'm taking a shower. Okay?" she asked while looking into my eyes.
"Okay." I just answered.
She entangled herself from me and stood up.
She put some clothes out of my closet and went to the next room.
As her body wasn't visible anymore I looked away and cuddled in my blanket.
I sighed. Wishing Nady to be here again. Missing her warmth. Missing her smell. Wanting to kiss her.
I just laid there and thought about everything.
I couldn't deny that I was still hurt by her actions this weekend. And she still hasn't told me why she said these things to me. I mean, she apologized and all, and I truly did forgive her, even though I wasn't mad in the first place, but the reason behind her behavior.. she hasn't told me.
I felt my eyes forming tears again and I did my best to suppress them, but in the end I wasn't successful.
And soon I laid there again, crying like a baby, like I did the whole Sunday and also Monday after school.
I could make myself stop sobbing and crying out loud, but I couldn't stop my tears. They kept coming.
Like I said, I didn't cry often, just when really hard situations came, but normally I didn't weep easily, for sure, and when I did, I couldn't help myself to stop.
But that, thesd words out of Nady's mouth, that really stressed me. And that made me fragile.
Soon Nady was finished in the bathroom and I heard the door creak open and footsteps in my room. But I laid with my back facing her, and couldn't see her.
"Are you awake?" she whispered.
I wiped under my eyes and then turned around and answered with a nod.
She was wearing some of my shorts and a white top.
She quickly put down the clothes I gave her to sleep in and hurried to me.
She grabbed my face and looked in my eyes.
"Why are you crying?" she asked silently.
My eyes just formed another wave of tears that soon rolled down my cheeks, but I couldn't answer her. I didn't want to make her feel bad because I was crying because of the things she said to me.
I looked down and she let go of my face, but embraced me in a warm and comforting hug.
"Is it still because of me?" she asked. Guilt filled her shaking voice.
I couldn't lie to her, I nodded again.
It was such a fucked up situation for me. Getting called a bunch of pretty hurtful names by your best friend who you are in love with since an eternity and who normally is so sweet and kind to you that you are just so overwhelmed.
I just couldn't think of one thing that I have done wrong, which lead her to insult me this bad. I couldn't find any reason for it. Nothing.
Now I had the perfect opportunity to ask her why, but I couldn't get myself to it. I was so scared that she would be mad again, if I asked her.
I had already asked her yesterday and she didn't say the reason, I don't know how she would react now. And I couldn't bear losing her. So my mouth remained shut.
Nady rocked me back and forth. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." she whispered repeatedly.
Before I knew it she was crying with me.
She started to sob and just held me close. Never letting me go. I cuddled up in her arms and laid my head against her cleavage.
She went to hold my head and sat hers upon it.
I heard her crying really bad.
"I never wanted to hurt you like that. I hate myself for the pain I caused you. You are so perfect, you don't deserve that. I am so sorry, Yasmin. I want to take all that back. I can't bear seeing you this broken. I-I.. I hate myself." she whispered.
I was quiet for a moment.
"Don't hate yourself," I said then, "I don't hate you as well. You don't need to suffer like that because of me. Please."
"But look at you, Yass, look how you are suffering. You are absolutely broken. This is all my fault. I deserve to suffer because of how I hurt you. I deserve to hate myself." she argued.
I leaned away from her body to look into her eyes.
Her cheeks were all wet.
"No!" I disagreed. "You don't deserve that! Please, don't hate yourself, Nady. I am happy when you are happy. If you are suffering it will just make everything worse! And if you are suffering because of me, then I will be guilty on top!"
Nady starred at me, mouth opened, wide eyes.
I guess I was a little bit loud.
I placed myself back in her arms.
"Sorry, for the outburst. Just, don't hate yourself." I apologized. Normally I'm totally shy and really quiet. I guess I took Nady by surprise with getting loud.
But I don't want her to hate herself.
"It's okay," she said while wrapping her arms back around me, "and I'm sorry as well."
But one good side had my outburst.
Due to shock neither Nady nor I was crying anymore.
We held each other for a few more minutes, after that I broke the embrace again.
"I guess I'll be going to the bathroom to get ready, so we can go out for breakfast."
She nodded and kissed my cheek.
"I will be here, waiting."
I said "Okay." and went to the bathroom after taking a few clothes with me.