*Ashlyn's POV*
"Are you crazy!"
"Quite more than usual, yes." My hands browse through the rack of dresses in front of me. My eyes can hardly identify one from another as they skim through my hands.
I can feel Sav's eyes piercing me from across the room, an unusual occurrence that I'm not used to.
I continue to file through the rack in front of me- not daring to make eye contact with her. Not if I'm trying to maintain this cool demeanor.
"What's wrong with you? Why didn't you invite Tyler to the ball?"
She stands there staring at me as I hold my gaze on one dress, a light blue shade of gray. Why didn't I invite Tyler? Because you invited Sal. Why did I invite Sal? Because you cancelled plans with him the other day. And I couldn't invite him to something else and still do this with Tyler? Maybe. And how is Tyler feeling about this? ... Hello?
"Hello? Hey Ash, what's wrong?"
I look up to her and see a pained expression cross her face. She quickly moves to me, holding me. Why is she doing this? I feel a few wet drops on my neck and twist my head to look at Sav. Is she ok?
"Are you ok?" She asks, revealing her face. She wasn't the one crying. So... I'm crying? I lift my hands from the dress allowing it to disappear back into the rack. My hands run over my face smearing more tears than I ever would have imagined to be present. Down my face, on my shirt, in my eyes. I used the back of my hand to rub my eyes, clearing my blurry vision I that didn't notice before, and rubbing the tip of my nose that tickled from one suspended tear drop.
"Ash please say something." Her voice was urgent, finally giving me motivation to make any sound so she knows I'm comprehending her.
"Are you mirroring my expression? Is that what I look like?" I say in what I believe to be a hushed tone, slurred a little from the strain in my throat.
She shrugged at me with a small smile, "I mean I guess. You always knew me to be a little too empathetic."
"Always wearing other people's emotions."
"A tendency you tend to have also."
I drop my gaze from her and begin pulling at my hair. "What's wrong with me?"
"I think things are a little too hectic with the World Cup. Especially for you, team captain." She nudges me with her elbow as I remain standing motionless, unmoving, and expressionless aside from the absently provoked tears and the red blotches I know to accompany them on my face.
"No, I mean why do I do this to him?"
"I'm not quite following, Ash." She cranes her neck to meet my eyes that are casted down towards my feet.
"Tyler. Why do I do this to Tyler. I already told him he'd get sick of me after a few months- me and this indecisive nature I wear. So he shouldn't be surprised, it's not my fault."
I take a breath and let it go, one that is big enough for me to manage to release all these words. All these words that need to find an order to make sense to someone else besides me, but sometimes that's just too much effort to sort out.
"So one day, I know I love him. I know that he's my best friend and id never want to lose him, never want to hurt him, always want to be here for him. And other times I don't want anything to do with him, I want to be alone, and not having to rely on anyone. Let alone neither of those are particularly bad, only the feeling I get- the need to act on them. I don't want to pull him into this and cut him out."
Sav sighed as she went into a low squat, balancing on the the tips of her feet. Focusing herself under where my eyes remain, she looks at me waiting to catch my attention before speaking. "You only do that to those closest to you."
She's trying to mask any tells on her face. She's trying not to wear any emotion that would take away from her words but I can see it, in her eyes, the pain is there. That I've done this to her before, too. Her eyes falter a little before speaking again, "...and you don't let many people that close to you."
"For good reason apparently." I let out a twisted laugh of sorts, crying with more emotion than I'd like to give away.
"You're independent. You like being alone, you like your own company. You enjoy thinking, and being stranded with your own thoughts. You don't wear your emotions on your sleeve. You don't easily trust and you too easily care for others. It's just part of you. It's not bad, no, I wouldn't say that." I look to return her stare, curious how she so easily observed all of this.
"It makes you strong. I know your morals, Ash, and I know you value them highly so you can improve yourself to help others- not just for your own gain. You value individualism and that's ok, but you're too involved in it lately. I've always known you to overthink but never to over feel."
"I'm too cautious for that." I state boldly. Interjecting to make my stand, that I know myself just as much as she does.
Sav looks at me directly, challenging my tone. "So where are you drawing the line? The line between caution and paranoia? You over think to find perspective where you're too shy to ask someone. When are you going to let yourself feel and stop thinking for once!"
"When I'm ready to get hurt!" Involuntarily my voice raised from being provoked.
"You can't always look for the worst outcome!" She yells out at me. In a large empty room we choose to stand directly next to each other- shouting.
"I plan on it! Sav, the best case scenario is like winning the lottery. I'm not to be so naïve." I give her a cold look. If she knows me so well how could she label me as being so incompetent?
"So you'd rather live in fear, in the shadow of your thoughts then put yourself out there?"
I glance up at her, not disagreeing. "Why?" Her voice breaks and she looks at me in a way I can't face her, so I fail to hold eye contact again.
"I'd rather know things than go by my gut. I feel safer knowing."
"I'm aware of that but what happens when you think all your opportunities away?" I've already accepted I'm an introvert when it comes to my thoughts, so when will she learn?
I look up giving her a small smile, "I guess I'll just think of new ones." Her eyes more pleading than ever see right through me. She is one of the only two people that can and it scares me. That I've become so transparent to her, that to her I can't pull down my sleeves to hide what I'm feeling. And it's often for that reason that I can't hold her gaze.
"Please just try to feel." I shake my head in the slightest motion, unable to make amends with this one agreement.
"Promise me you'll let yourself begin to feel?"
I whisper something below my breath upon hearing her. Something I read a while ago and something that's followed me since. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security, there never was such an animal.
Ive learned not to promise what I know I cannot definitely obtain. "I can't promise you," I pull back the hair out of my face and look at her directly for the first time during this conversation. "But I'll try."
"God you're a piece of work Ashlyn Toben." Sav cracks a smile, shaking her head.
Ready to exit the uncomfortableness of a serious discussion I join her, grinning, "A masterpiece."
"So what are you going to say to Tyler?"
For the first time I'm not timid with a response to this question, I'm not scared. "I have an idea."
"Alright well we need to get ready did you pick a dress yet?" I ask Sav, not wanting to continue our precious topic much further.
She moves over to the rack in front of me and picked up the dress I was looking at earlier. "Yes and so have you. Lets go get ready!" I shake my head and follow her, knowing I don't have a much of a say. It's probably better that way when it comes to dressing myself.
[One hour before carpet walk for ball]
"You look stunning Ash." Sav peaks over the the makeup person who had just completed the finishing touches. Do I?
She spins the chair to point me towards the mirror in front of me. She's right. I do look good. I just don't recognize myself. Maybe for the best, more to hide behind. Is that why so many people wear this?
"Thank Rina! It looks great!" I agree with Sav and the lady makes her way out. As she exits the door she passes Tyler, not giving him a second look. He gives two small knocks on the door frame with his head dropped toward the ground. "Is it bad luck to see the team captain before the ball?" He asks broadly, pulling at his hoodie strings.
"Oh shut up and come in." He gives a quiet laugh and begins to walk toward me. As he lifts his head he stops dead in his tracks, his eyes wide.
"No, really you're too kind. I know I look amazing but you should probably focus on Ashlyn." Sav says as she walks over to Tyler patting him on the head before leaving the room. He didn't even acknowledge her, his eyes remained pinned on me with a gaping expression. I give him a small smile and hesitantly look away.
"No don't do that, I'm sorry." He looks away and takes a seat across from me. "You look beautiful."
I shrug off his words. "So I've been told."
"Without the makeup." I look at his eyes and I can see his intent, and I think if he were to sit here silently I could read his eyes and extract the same sentence.
But I'm not one to take compliments. They just make me uncomfortable, even if they come from him. "I'm not sure how I should take that."
"I mean you look beautiful now, too. It's just a different kind of beautiful. It's still you." I sit here looking at my bare feet, in a blue gown, with makeup quite fitting for such an event, and yet I'm not quite sure if I agree. Sure, I'm ok. And I'm pretty content with that.
We sit in this empty room in quiet until Sav sends me a text.
Ok hurry up! We need to leave in five, Sal is he...
I give a sigh as I look at the text preview. For an event I'm so excited for I can't quite pin my feelings right now. I feel Tyler's hands hesitantly hold mine, a touch so questionable he could pull away at any second and I wouldn't be sure if I imagined him holding them at all.
"You look great. You'll have fun."
"I'm feeling anxious."
"You only feel what you allow yourself to. Tell yourself not to feel anxious. Be that girl standing over the kitchen sink like I know you to be."
"Is that a sexist joke?" I crack a smile at him.
He shakes his head at me and stands up. I almost want to tell him to stay. So I can just keep sitting here in a fancy dress and just end up talking in an uncomfortable chair for the majority of the night.
He places a hand on the back of my neck to lean over and kiss my forehead. "It doesn't matter if somebody loves you if you don't learn to love yourself. I'm not going to say it." He whispers the words to me and walks out of the room.
Right now I won't bother to think about this, about what he said. Not if I have any hopes of feeling like I told Sav I would, and right now I don't want to think of Tyler. I'm going to enjoy my night with Sal and push him out of my mind. As my mind absently files away my own comments I begin humming as I hop out of the chair I'm sitting in. I started singing the lyrics to Screen as I grab my shoes and run down the stairs to the elevator.
*Sal's POV*
I absently kick at the floor as Savannah stands looking at her phone. The bell of the elevator sounds attracting my attention. As the doors slide open I look up to see Ashlyn meet my eyes.
"Sal?"
"Sal? Stop looking at me like that, or I'll just go change." She smirks at me and I finally comprehend the words she's saying.
Speechless. She's so beautiful. She's so absolutely captivating I can't help but stare, and as much as I don't want to make her uncomfortable by it I just can't help but to keep looking at her.
"Sal you've been looking for about two minutes without saying anything. Care to share?" Savannah lowers her phone and looks toward me also.
"You look beautiful." I finally convince myself to utter the words so I can see her reaction, so she knows that she is. But her face doesn't exactly light up as I expected. She shies away, a little distracted I can tell. Also something else that's there that I can't quite describe or make out.
"I'm really just ok..."
Before I can reassure her that she's more than just that and receiving all my adorations, Savannah interrupts me. "Really, I know guys I look gorgeous but don't let that keep us from leaving." She makes her way out the front door leaving me and Ashlyn standing in the lobby.
I take her right hand into mine, grabbing her attention. I take a step closer to close some of the distance between us, "You really are more than ok." I don't let her have a chance to disagree before I lead her out and to the limo. I guess this is quite the grand event Murr described it to be.
"Excited?" Savannah finally breaks the silence that has been sitting between us for a few minutes.
"Nervous." Ashlyn answers next to me.
"Actually I was talking to Sal."
"Oh..."
"Well same." I lean over and nudge Ashlyn, managing a giggle out of her. I'm glad I can at least make her feel comfortable.
"Fantastic two nervous people, should end well." Savannah murmurs this more to herself but I'm able to make out the words. She looks out the window and I can't see why. I'm more astounded by the inside of the vehicle. Leather seats and a roomy center, a mini fridge in the back and a giant sunroof on top. I know one thing for sure, I'll never drive in something so expensive again. I guess I'll just have to be happy with Q's jeep.
Soon Savannah and Ashlyn get sucked into a conversation about the game and I sit on the side seemingly unnoticed. This is what i feared would happen at the event, I at least need to try to speak. After a few futile attempts of small talk about the game, only to be corrected multiple times, Ashlyn finally interrupts me.
"You don't have to feel forced into engaging in these conversations, I know they can be a bit boring to someone who isn't... Well... I guess participating." She lets out a small laugh and gives me a reassuring smile.
"You really don't know anything about the game do you?" Savannah adds.
She gets a little more blatant with me each time doesn't she? I hope that's not a bad thing...
"No not really honestly. But I stayed up all night learning it."
"Aw that's very considerate." Ashlyn smiles at me and takes hold of my hand.
Savannah finally looks away from the window and breaks the cold exterior of her facial expression. "It's really fine, we barely even talk about soccer!" She smiles at me in a way that I can't tell if she is sarcastic or not.
"Is that sarcasm?" I ask as I innocently start to rub my thumb against Ashlyn's hand that is still interlocked with mine.
"No I'm serious it's mostly just bad jokes, goofing around, and celebrity gossip. It's awesome."
I turn my head to look at Ashlyn and she gives a quick nod in response.
"We generally would enjoy having an intelligent conversation at the event but no one is interested in discussing the game but Sav and I."
"That's a bit ironic." And very relieving since I had no idea of how the game worked even after all that preparation from last night.
I wonder who's going to show up at such an infamous event. Most likely celebrities a lot more famous than me... "So who will-"
Savannah immediately shushes me as the limo comes to a halt. "We're here and you're not ruining my grand entrance!"
"Sav who is your date anyways?" Ashlyn questions her as she steps out the door. Bright camera flashes illuminate Savannah and some of the light shines in.
"That sounds like a lot of cameras!"
"That's because it is." Ashlyn winks at me before releasing the hold on my hand. She steps out, seemingly confident and un-phased by the camera men. I take a deep breath and finally step out of the limo also. The flashes of light are almost blinding and im not sure where to go. I hope I don't run into someone. I better not! I told myself I wouldn't make a fool of either myself or Ashlyn tonight, or at least not Ashlyn.
As my vision clears a little, still some lingering black blotches, I see Ashlyn beckoning me to follow her. "Sorry." I lean over to her ear, but not quite as secretive as whispering in it. She giggles and we continue walking down the carpet. Although we are spaced out from others on it, I can see numerous people in front of us and already beginning to arrive behind us also.
Crowds line the velvet rope on the side. They are screaming and cheering and waving at us and I can't imagine any of them would really be doing that for me.
Ashlyn, one of the few people I see to approach the rope, begins to talk to the fans restricted behind it. They all look anxious with excitement, multiple reaching out to touch her and holding out papers for her to autograph. She looks so natural, signing signatures quickly and smiling.
"Sal come here!" She beckons me over and I close the distance between us. As I stand beside her she leans in to my ear and whispers, "Can I have my phone?"
I'm sure the cameras must of caught her doing that. What will they make of it? Did she care? Her breath sent chills down my spine. I pull out her phone from my pocket and hold it out to her.
She shakes her head at me. "I was hoping you could hold it out and take a photo, your arms are longer."
I hold out the camera so it's taking a picture of me, Ashlyn, and all those in the crowd behind us. Before I take the picture Ashlyn pulls me closer so my arm is around her waist.
"Oh good let me see!" She grabs the phone from me and immediately her cheeks redden. "You took the picture while I was looking at you. Now I'm just smiling at you in the picture I look so weird."
"You look gorgeous." I grab her hand and squeeze it before letting it go. "Come on we're holding up people in back of us." As we walk the carpet Ashlyn takes her steps confidently next to me. We briefly pause for pictures and she leans in to whisper in my ear. "You look handsome in a suit." I straighten up a bit and smile broadly for the camera. "And I'm sure you look handsome without a suit on too." Her lips brush my ear and her voice is soft and sure.
What does that mean! Without my clothes on or just not in my suit? The thought of her imagining me like that has me melting in her grip and her voice has me putty in her hands. Her eyes seem fixated on me with a very deep look that I could swear spelt out desire. I'm not imagining this. "I want you." I let the words under my breath. The corners of her lips peak up into a smile and I'm not entirely sure if she heard me. Did I want her to?
Leading me by hand we finish the very end of the carpet and walk inside the ball. The room is grand and flooded with women in various dresses and men wearing traditional suits. At least I fit in. The balcony oversees the dancing area with a grand staircase connecting the two levels. The doors are open beyond the ball room and halls are opened up to welcome guests to walk around. Waiters are shuffling around the room with food and alcoholic drinks on silver platters.
Holding my hand a little tighter Ashlyn pulls me to one of the hallways, this one is vacant. Windows line the hall stretching from the floor to the ceiling allowing a clear view of the day's sunset. Soon all will turn to darkness in this dimly lit hallway. Only in a matter of minutes.
There's a silence between us and Ashlyn makes that physically evident as she breaks our hold and walks away towards one of the windows, sitting on the ledge. I should make her laugh. That would clear the air right? Her laugh makes me smile always. I should ask her how she's doing, if she feels stressed or uncomfortable by any of this. I should-
"Why didn't you invite Tyler?" -ruin the moment because I'm too selfish to be uncertain. I'm so dumb how did I just let that slip out! Do I really want to know that I was just her back up plan?
"Because you're not Tyler."
"Is that a good thing?"
"It's different. You don't confuse me as much."
"Great so I'm first pick because I'm simple." I sit down across from her on the ledge, following her focused gaze over the city beginning to light up.
She smiles faintly in the remaining light that reflects off her face, her cheeks are red and her face is alive.
"No, you're here because I want you here."
You do? "Why?"
"And I thought I asked a lot of questions. Trust me, I've been thinking way too much, and I'm not going to ask you to help me with this- but I have a feeling I can't place. For now I'd like to act on that."
Her eyes drag themselves from the city view down to the marbled ledge. For a second I allow my hand to hover over her own and lightly rest mine on top of her fingers. She looks up innocently and we look into each other. She looks so open and happy and yet I struggle to read her body language, to see if there are layers to that.
Ashlyn gives me a small smile, "I'm not a transparent floor or I would of fallen many times before now."
"I'm not trying to see through you." But where's the lie?
"Then what are you staring at?"
"You are mesmerizing tonight." And she really is, and it's not necessarily her appearance. Her dress is fitting and flattering to her figure, yes I've noticed multiple times through the night, and her makeup brings out her bright blue eyes and blushing cheeks. But in all actuality it's just how casual she is in all of this. How welcoming she is to my presence and how she brings warmth to a room. Everyone lights up I can see it, and she does too. She radiates beauty in her reactions and how she's composes herself.
I see her blush and drop my gaze immediately at the observation. "I can't help but be captivated. If that answers your question thoroughly enough that is." I smile and squeeze her hand to look at me again.
"No, no! That's quite enough from you." She stands up and releases my hand to straighten out her dress. When she finishes playing with her dress she allows her hands to fall back to the side.
"Quite enough from me?" I smirk and take a step closer to her to challenge her remark.
"Quite enough... Uhhh... Thank you." She stumbles a bit both in words and in movements as she creates a little more distance from our bodies that had been nearly touching.
I grab her hand and twist her into my chest, my arms still wrapped around her. "That's better." I whisper into her ear. I loosen my arms around her, allowing her to leave if she was uncomfortable. To my surprise she stayed, turning her head to face mine. We are so close I can feel her breath crash into my lips. Her eyes dart down to my lips and I look to hers in reaction. Is this what she wants? I'm not going to rush her into this. I need to be sure. Twisting around in my arms she faces me forward, her body pressed against mine. Her hand cradles my neck and the lower back of my head as she pulls me down, pulls me closer. Oh god she does want this too! I close my eyes desperately as if it would make this moment approach any faster.