Chapter 14 ~ Tammy
At the end, Kay and Louis weren’t shagging as Sky suggested. What really happened was the Louis was in very similar state as Sky’s, which is drunk; so Kay took care of him before he could pass out in the middle of the club.
I must admit something I won’t sayout loud: partying with One Direction was fun. They are fun lads when they have a few drinks in them, loud and crazy. Despite that Liam was around all the time, following me like a lost puppy, I had a great time. But I’m kind of worried, I know he doesn’t see me like the awful, rude, bad girl he met at the beginning and I’m pretty sure he is trying to see what’s behind my rebel image. But if he is doing that he will be disappointed. What’s behind is as ugly as what’s outside. What I keep hidden is more horrifying than what I show now. If he thinks I’m a worth saving person, then he is wrong. There’s nothing to save about me; everything is ruined. I was destroyed the moment I was born.
But I guess he is a dreamer, a naïve silly boy that has had an easy life and doesn’t know the things I know, someone who can’t imagine the things I have gone through. He will never understand why I am the way I am, so if he thinks he can try to get to know me better, he is going to crash against a big, imposing, impenetrable wall that hides all my dark secrets and memories. Nor even I can access to them anymore.
But he wants to, he is trying and I don’t know whether to pity him or laugh at his pointless struggles.
“Hey, Tammy,” I hear his voice when I’m on my way to the dining room to have breakfast at noon. After a night clubbing, it is normal and breakfast is the most important meal, I can’t skip it.
“What do you want, Noob?” I inquire as I keep walking, not even bothering with looking at him. At my mind comes the image of when we were dancing, with his hands on my waist and his body pressed against mine. He may look like a boy and have the look of a puppy, but mate! He is built. I could feel the muscles of his torso so well defined under his shirt, I could even feel the strength of his shoulders when my hands were resting there. Don’t let the cute boyish face fool you, he has the body of a man.
“How are you?” He asks and I roll my eyes. Is he always so polite?
“Getting annoyed ‘cos you don’t go to the point, so please, stop the pointless conversation and speak,” I demand still walking. “I’m hungry, I need breakfast.”
I hear him chuckle so I stop abruptly and turn around to glare at him; the idiot is smiling amused. “You know that hotels have schedules, right?”
At his words I remember and I feel heat on my cheeks for forgetting that. “Of course I knew,” I lie looking away and trying to hide my embarrassment. “I thought I could get something anyways, using my charming personality, you know.”
He chuckles again but I was being sarcastic, not trying to entertain him. “Well, you won’t unless you wait for lunch. But,” he speaks, being dramatic the little shit, “what if I take you to have brunch? I know I great place here where we can relax and have a nice conversation.” I furrow my eyebrows, trying to understand why he is doing this. I’m being particularly bitchy today.
“Are you asking me out?” I blurt out when that thought crosses my mind. I don’t think he is that stupid, after the fiasco of our first and only date, but I have to make sure; Liam has proved himself to be a weirdo.
“Well—,” he plays with the short hairs of the back oh his neck, messing with them in what can only be called as a nervous or shy gesture. “Yes,” he confesses, his eyes on me. “I’m asking you on a date. After the one we had, I guess we can have a second chance, don’t you think?”
“Why are you so weird? Seriously, it didn’t work the first time, what makes you think it’s gonna work now?” I ask, surprised at his ginormous stupidity.
She shrugs. “I dunno, maybe because I know you a bit now. I know what I’m facing so no surprise this time. And I wanna know you better, then I guess asking you out is the normal thing to do.”
“No, it’s not. The normal thing after that date we were set up to is keep distance and avoid me. And why do you wanna know me better? There’s nothing else but what you see now,” I tell him with a deep frown. He confuses me.
“I doubt that. I know there’s more, you just don’t want me to see it,” he insists and I groan.
“Maybe ‘cos there’s a reason, don’t you think? Maybe I don’t want anyone to see whether there’s more or not. Have you thought of that?” I know I’m treating him like he is retarded, but I’m seriously beginning to think he is one.
“Why?” He asks seriously, his eyes so intent on me I feel like he is staring right into my soul and I hate this invasive feeling. Stop it!
“Because I want to! Maybe you like to share your life and be so open, but I’m not like that and you can’t expect me to be like you. There are some things that I want to keep for myself!”
“So there are things,” he states and I close my eyes, wanting to smack my head against the wall for being so stupid. First I tell him there’s nothing else about me, then I’m telling him there’s something but I just want to keep it for myself. Ugh, I hate him for making me do these things. “C’mon, it’s just a date. If it doesn’t work, if it’s a fiasco again, then I’ll never try again.”
“Why bother? We both know it’s gonna be disastrous,” I tell him flatly, trying to look bored.
“You can’t be sure unless you try. Plus, if you don’t say yes, I’ll be following you around anyways. I’ have the day off and you’re not leaving yet.”
I groan again, like a walrus giving birth and Liam chuckles, but I don’t mind. “You’re so annoying! Okay, let’s go. You’re lucky because I’m hungry,” I tell him and walk past him to the lobby of the hotel. I hear him chuckle but I don’t stop to wait for him, I know he is following me. I take my phone out of my phone and tweet that I’ll be spending the day with the little puppy. If I’ll have to bear with him for today, at least I’ll get something out of this.
+ + + + +
Liam takes me to a small café with a cosy environment and just a few people and he asks for the farthest table so no one will interrupt us. I don’t say anything, I just walk ahead like I own the place. I know I gain some curious and disapproving looks, but I don’t care. I’m used to this. I call attention but not in the conventional way.
I’m not the hottest of the girls, we all know Leanne has that part. I’m not the most talented, that’s Skyler. I’m not the imposing one, that’s Emma. I’m the rebel, the one that speaks her mind in interviews and offends people, never mincing my words. That’s me. Not the pretty, not the genius, not even the leader. I try to fight for that spot, but Emma is stronger and more organised, and Sky does listen to her. So this image is all I have to highlight in a band with such strong personalities and talented girls.
Plus, I don’t mind if people look at me with disapproval in their eyes, as long as they are looking at me. That’s enough for me, I’ve caught their attention already. I’ve never had approval for who I am or how I look, so this doesn’t hurt me anymore. I’m only accepted when I play, and that’s all what I seek, all what I need.
“So, where are you from, Tammy?” Liam asks me when we’re sitting one across the other with big plates of food and tea.
“Why do you care? I’m from England, that’s all you need to know,” I answer and he rolls his eyes.
“It won’t hurt you to share your hometown, Tammy,” he says and I look away. It may hurt me, it may bring unwanted memories, it may lead some fans to there and they could find things I don’t want people to see.
“It may,” I whisper still looking away so I don’t see his reaction, but I hear him saying ‘what’. “Nothing. It doesn’t matter where I’m from, it only matters that I live in London now. I have a flat on my own.”
“Okay, I won’t push any further,” he agrees and I sigh.
Before he can ask more about my past and topics that make me uncomfortable, I say: “Please, Noob. Don’t ask for those things I left behind. It’s my past and I don’t live in it anymore. I live in the present, so if you really want to know me, for which I still think you’re an idiot, you’ll have to have enough with what I am now.”
I look at him so he knows I’m talking seriously, that no matter how much he asks, I won’t tell him what happened before, I won’t tell him who I was. He can only know who I am now. He stares back at me, his eyes once again intent on me, making me feel uncomfortable, but I don’t look away, I hold his gaze.
“Okay, so tell me, how many charities do you take part in?” He asks and I sigh internally, relieved that he dropped that subject of my past.
“A few,” I answer focusing on my meal again. After last night, I’m very hungry.
“Why in more than one if you try to look so rebel?” Is his next question but I don’t look up at him, I keep eating.
“Why not? They need help and I can do it. Kids are innocent, they are pure and that innocence lasts for so little. If I can help to prologue that or to make life more bearable, then I will. I may be a rebel, but I’m not a heartless bitch. Just a bitch,” I meet his eyes this time and I smile and he smiles back. “Why do you help only in one?”
He seems surprised with my question and blinks a couple of times. “Uh… we help in more than one.”
“I said you as in only you, Noob, not your band,” I state to make things clear and he looks uncomfortable. “You’ve said You Matter is your charity. Why only that?”
He thinks about it and it’s disappointing that he has to do that. Not that I have expectations on him or something like that, it’s not like he can disappoint me at all. I don’t expect anything from him or anyone.
“I— I don’t know. We’re always so busy—”
“That’s a lame excuse. You have so much power to help and make a difference. How many kids need help not only here in England, but outside? You can reach so many people yet you focus on one charity only. You can do more but you don’t. Why?”
He stares at me with surprised and shame in his eyes and he looks like a rueful puppy and I sigh. Typical of any person in this world. “I don’t know,” he confesses.
“Just think about it. there are thousands of charities like You Matter. And what about orphanages? Hospitals?” I ask him and his eyes are still on me, concentrated. “Think of all those kids. Don’t they deserve your help?”
“I’m sorry,” he says and I shake my head.
“Don’t apologise to me, Noob. I don’t need your help, but many kids do and you can do so much for them.”
He doesn’t reply and for a while none of us say anything, so I enjoy my meal, but I feel Liam’s stare on me all the time. What is he thinking of me now? After all what I told him? I normally wouldn’t mind what he does with his life, if he wants to be a conceited celebrity or not, but if he can help kids like Ray, or Rose, then he has to do something. I’m not telling him these things because I want him to be better or anything, I don’t care about him; but I care about what his actions can bring upon little kids that need as much help as they can get.
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Dedication to Tonioverthetop. I'm glad that you like how I build my characters and notice the difference from how Liam and Tammy started until now.
Bel xx
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