My smug sense of accomplishment vanished when I walked into the tent. G-Dragon's broken form lay on the stretcher. The playful smirk wasn't there, but then again, neither was the rise and fall of his chest. His face was expressionless and his hairline was sticky with blood, barely visible amongst his red hair.
Broken neck and dented skull. Just like that, within those three minutes, my friend was no more. It took time to get used to the wetness around my eyes, but that was not what I was thinking about.
I stroked his cheek. He didn't deserve this. He had money, fame. He could've gotten the hell out of here and made a life for himself up there. Maybe had a wife and children in the future. He could've lived.
I had the sudden temptation to go out the door and beat Yugyeom bloody, but I reigned it in. Revenge didn't have a place in the arena. Instead I stood up. The medics ran towards the stretcher, but I waved them away. He wasn't going to rot in the arena's morgue. ''I'm taking him,'' I said firmly, glaring at them. Even with my red-rimmed eyes, they didn't dare object.
I looked at G-Dragon sadly, and kissed his not-yet-cold lips.
The medics then simply put a white sheet over him and looked at me with sympathy. I hated them for it.
I decided to bury him beside the river, not too far from the entrance to the arena. The medics gave me a shovel.
It was past midnight, and the stars were barely visible, even though it was a clear summer's night. Or maybe my vision was just too blurry to see them.
The sound of the shovel hitting the ground was rhythmic, and before long, I was sweating. I didn't care. Every blister I'd earn will be a tribute to this boy.
When I was finished. I kissed him on the lips one final time and lowered him slowly into the shallow grave. I scooped up dirt and let it fall over him, covering his lifeless body.
Shovelful by shovelful. Soon his face was covered up with soil and I couldn't see him anymore. My hands were shaking so badly I dropped the shovel.
And then I lay down and did something I hadn't done in years. I sobbed.
Red was beginning to paint the sky when I came to my senses. I was covered in dirt and salty tears. My eyes were beginning to dry out.
I pushed myself up off the ground. I had to get home, wash, eat, go school. Yet instead, I neglected duty and I locked myself in memories.
I spat out a mouthful of blood. ''Again.'' G-Dragon looked uncertain. ''You sure?'' I looked at him with steely eyes. ''If it was the arena I would've been crippled. Or dead. Again.'' He sighed and took his place. Suddenly his stance became more playful. He teasingly jabbed me in the ribs. And I was as ticklish as hell. My laugh alarmed him. True, I didn't show emotions often.
He looked at me oddly, and it made me a little red. He realised he was staring and lowered his eyes, laughing uneasily. ''What?'' I asked suspiciously. He shook his head. ''Nothing. Well actually I want to ask something of you.'' I raised my eyebrows. ''What is is?''
''I want you to promise me, that if I die, you'll get on with life. No tears, no revenge, no grief. Nothing. Just laugh like you did now. Forget me and live well.''
I had already broken the first part of the promise. The tears that soaked his grave were proof of that. And revenge? It was going to come, followed by grief. Sorry G-Dragon. I couldn't keep my promise. But you left, and you are now beyond caring.
I stole one last glance at the mound, and with that I followed the fading lights of Seoul city.
* * * * *
The door creaked like mad when I opened it. Dad was where I left him, on the couch passed out from overindulgence. The place was grimy, smelly and disgusting, but it was home. Or as close to home as I would ever get.
I dumped myself onto my unmade bed and lay there for a few minutes, staring at the ceiling. It was covered in brown patches, where water leaked through the apartment building's roof. Our apartment got the worst of it.
My ancient alarm clock suddenly rang, marking seven in the morning. I swung my legs off the bed, gently testing them for strength.
When I got to the kitchen, I made myself some ramyun, my mind debating between beef or chicken flavour. I ate slowly, so slowly that the noodles sometimes slid off the chopsticks. In the end I just left them on the table. My father won't let them go to waste.
I brushed my teeth for five minutes, my mind still sluggish. I then splashed cold water on my face, and left the house, slamming the door so he would get up. I would get in shit for that later, but I didn't care. Never did really.
School was a solid forty minute walk from where I lived. My feet dragged along the pavement, not noticing people, cars or buildings. After what seemed like years I got to the drab grey building that called itself my school.
The clock on the side of the building showed 8:20. I was late.
The whole classroom looked at me when I came in. The teacher yelled, the kids smirked, and I didn't care. I just sat in my place at the back of the class, put my head on my arms and stared blankly into space.
Dusk was falling. Me and G-Dragon sat outside the entrance to the arena. G-Dragon had a split lip and a dozen bruises blooming on his face. ''Why the heck did you fight?! You weren't ready! I said we're practising that move today!''
I was yelling my head off, and for what reason I didn't know. G-Dragon smiled, and then winced when I dabbed his face with foul smelling ointment. ''There's no better practise then real life,'' he stated.
''You could've gotten yourself killed!'' I screeched. ''But I didn't,'' he pointed out. Suddenly he threw his arms playfully around me. I turned crimson. ''Aigoo, Zee is worried about me..''
I shoved him off, cheeks burning. ''Of course I am! If you got killed, who would I practice with?'' A frown appeared between his two brows, his eyes showing pain. "Is that all I am to you? A fighting partner?'' I was tongue-tied.
He noticed my expression and his face softened. ''You don't have to answer that,'' he muttered gently ''or at least, not until you're ready to.''
He stood up, a grimace on his face from the pain, and ruffled my hair into a messy disarray. ''See you tomorrow Zee.''
His voice held a seal of promise.
The bell rang and I noticed suddenly that the whiteboard was full of numbers and sums, ones I couldn't comprehend. At lunch I sat at the edge of the cafeteria, as I always did. I simply stared at the rice in my plate, focusing in and out of the white blob.
Suddenly, something hit me in the head. The fragile egg hit my skull with an impact, shattering the egg and smearing its contents all over my hair.
I whirled around with the first emotion I felt in the last several hours. Fury.
Everyone was laughing but I couldn't identify who threw it until I saw a guy high-fiving his mates, grinning openly. I walked gracefully and innocently to his table.
I plonked myself down on their table in a flirtalicious way. The blond one reminded me of Yugyeom. My skirt ruffled and the guys leaned forward, staring at my pale, toned legs. Then I knocked their heads together. It felt good. Like an illusion of being back in the arena.
The guys muttered curses, and the blond one grabbed for me. I didn't even get off the table. A simple flick of my foot, and the guy sat down hard, a mark of a boot forming on his face.
I grabbed the blond by the collar and glared him in the eyes threateningly. ''You will never do that again, you understand?'' He leaned away and nodded rapidly. I pinched his cheek lightly, smiling and then slapped him so hard, the crack echoed around the cafeteria.
I jumped off the table, all graceful and innocent. The whole population of the school probably saw that, but it didn't matter much. That was the easiest trick in the book. They had no idea what I was capable of. They would never know.
G-Dragon would've be proud.
* * * * *
The teacher was shouting about how ashamed she was of my behaviour, but I tuned out after about thirty seconds. Until she gently shook me, hands on my shoulders. Her face was concerned.
"Is everything alright at home Yoon Ah? Anything I can help with?"
I just glared at her face, which bore resemblance to a duck. I hated her, I hated my home and I hated my name. And she just mentioned all of them.
I got fed up and just walked out, feeling a pang of satisfaction at her red face.
I decided to ditch. I couldn't sit in a stuffy room for that long. Not today. I hopped the stone wall and made way towards the graffitied alleyway. Nobody dared to go near it, not even the boys but I was longing for another rush of adrenaline. Another fight. I walked straight through the alley.
At first, I was offered cigarettes. Then other things. Eventually, a small gang of men started to follow me. I walked slowly, my senses alert. One of them called out suddenly.
''Want a drink sweetheart? The shots are on us!''
I wasn't even legal, but I was hardly going to say that. I glanced back, an expression of ease painted on to my face. ''Sure,'' I purred and strolled over, my skirt flying in the breeze. They'd never know what hit them.
As soon as I was within two metres, two of the men lunged at me, aiming for my arms. The fools. I dodged to the left and sent a kick towards the man closer to me. He went flying into the other, and they landed in a heap on the floor, groaning.
I glared at the other three, who were now eyeing me with curiosity. The lanky, dark haired one decided to try me. We circled each other, like dogs with no muzzles to contain us.
I learned a long time ago that men weren't patient. My theory had never been proved wrong. The man sent a punch in the direction of my unprotected face. I leaned to the left and grabbed his arms twisting it. He screeched in pain and humiliation. I then kneed him in the groin and he doubled over.
''Enough,'' a voice suddenly called from the shadows behind the remaining two men. A guy stepped out from the shadows. His hair was longish and blond and seemed to be defying gravity. It was positioned like a crown on his head. His hungry, frenzied eyes seemed to look into my soul.
''Well, well, isn't it a nice surprise,'' Jackson muttered in a raspy voice. ''Hello there Zee.''