46 - Do I?
'Hardening your heart isn't the answer. Finding love within yourself isn't the answer. Putting yourself out there and trusting that somewhere out there, someone else wants to love as hard as you do; that is the answer.'
- Eugene Lau
~*~
"Be mine again Andi. Be my Mrs. Bieber again."
The words passing through my auditory senses felt surreal. Am I dreaming? I need to take a pause and fully comprehend what Justin was really saying. He wanted to marry me. Justin was asking me to marry him. Was he mad? Or is this just another product of my vast imagination?
Staring at his authentic and longing eyes, the reality of his words took me in a shock. How many times did I dream of him asking me for marriage and now that it's finally here, I am not quite sure how should I feel.
"Andi?"
He was waiting. And to be struck with reality, we don't really have much time either. I should say yes, shouldn't I? This is it. Finally, after so many years of waiting, wanting, wishing. But to be put in a position like this of life, should I even say yes?
Smiling a little at Justin, I pulled myself away from his chest and took a sitting position beside him instead.
"Andi? What's wrong?" The troubled voice of his made me sigh as he, also, took a seat next to me. "I can wait---"
"Waiting can get really tiring Justin." I glanced at him and smiled. He held my hand and grasped it, as if his life depended on it.
"Andi. Don't you want to be tied down to me again? I swear this time I will truly love you. I'll always be there for you. I'll be the husband as you were a wife to me back then. I'll take care of you. I won't leave you Andi." My throat felt constricted as I looked at his authentic and longing chocolate brown eyes.
"Justin." I croaked. "Of course I want to be tied down with you, who in their right mind would say no to you?" I chuckled hoarsely as I felt small tears streaked down my face.
"Then why won't you say yes to me?" He demanded, wiping the salty tears away from my face with his hands. I don't know why I find it comical.
"Aren't you afraid? After everything I said to you, you're still asking me to marry you." He grasped my hand again and held it tightly. His eyes shining under the cold, starry night.
"I don't care Andi. I'll take my bet, I don't care."
"I do Justin. I care. We don't know how much time I have left ---"
"Stop that." He commanded. "Stop saying those things Andrea."
"But it's the truth Justin. It's the inevitable truth." I tightened my hold with his hands. "I may die--"
"Andrea!"
That's the thing. Justin, everyone around me hated that word. It was like a plague they tried to run away from.
"I may die Justin. Tomorrow. Next week. Next month."
"Andrea please."
I bit my bottom lip, preventing myself from crying as I watched Justin, trying to be as strong as he is but I knew better. The wall he built had already crashed down. I knew how each night he stares outside, waiting, wishing. I heard him and it hurts. No, I wasn't hurting for myself, I was hurting for him. Waiting for a wish you really truly want can get tiring.
"Who knows how much time I have left. A year. Two. Five. Can you take that? Can you live with that fact?" I waited but he never answered. His attention was somewhere, somewhere very far away. "And besides, I can't give you a family. I don't think---" Startled, I watched as he stood up. "Justin?"
He held a hand out to me. "Do you trust me?" I furrowed my eyebrows. Curious I was.
"Jus---"
"Do you trust me Andi?"
"Wha--- of course I-- I do." Without words spoken, he snatched my right hand and pulled me with him. He started to walk. "J-justin where are we going? Its almost m-midnight."
"Trust me."
He led us to his car just waiting outside the steel iron gate. I wanted to ask him what are we doing but the security and warmth of his hand told me to just let him be. To just trust him without questioning him. And so I did.
I didn't care if dad was in the house and found out about us. If Justin would tell me to run then I will run away with him.
As he started driving, I just watched him. His face full of determination. He, then, turned to look at me.
"Are you okay? Are you cold?"
I smiled at him. "I'm fine. A bit chilly but I'm fine." He clasped our hands together and kissed my knuckles. After then, he continued driving, both of us in serene silence. Are we running away? I don't know. I was scared. Scared of the unknown. But I trust him.
Watching outside, it was a bit blurry as Stratford turned into a haze due to Justin's fast way of driving. I laid my head into the car seat and let my thoughts wander.
It would've been nice if I wasn't sick. Everything would've been easier, simpler. I could say yes. I could have a family of my own. Dad wouldn't have to worry about me all the time. Maybe then, Justin and I would've been friends at first. None of those betraying, hurting or the arrange marriage. Everything would've fallen into place. I would've finished my studies. I would've grown old with my friends, with dad and with Justin.
I would wait for him as he finishes his work. I would cook for him as a normal wife would be. I would been there for him, cheering him up, taking care of him. He would be my Justin at the end of night after his long day of being The Justin Bieber.
I would gladly be his Mrs. Bieber. If only I wasn't sick.
If only I wasn't sick, everything... everything would've, could've been nicer.
But then again, is it as it is, turning back time is not a choice. Wishing I wasn't sick is almost too impossible to be true. I don't understand why this needs to happen but I trust in Him, that whatever this maybe or how it will turn out to be, is by His will.
After a few minutes, the car skidded to a stop that brought me out of reverie.
"We're here."
Skimming the place, I felt my eyes widened and my heart started to beat furiously. Biting my bottom lip, I watched as Justin got out of the car and walked around, towards my door. I didn't want to think about it but of course, I knew he was stubborn. As stubborn as he can be. He opened my car door, the holy establishment behind him. I hesitated but got out of the car as well.
We stood face to face, staring deeply into each other's eyes, in front of the church --- the church where Justin and I married one another, almost exactly three years ago. Only a few minutes until the exact date will pass by.
"Jus---"
"I know. I know what you said. I respect your decision." He took a deep breath and smiled at me. The crooked smile I really adored and loved. "It's just that if you're stubborn then so am I. You know me Andi." He held both of my hands. "You trust me right? And in a relationship, in a marriage, you need a big amount of trust to make things work out. As I remember correctly, you said, I do."
"But---"
"I know Andi by what you meant. And you already said what you want to say. This time, I want you to hear me out."
Biting my bottom lip, I nodded.
"Good." He grinned. He then heaved a sigh. "You might think I don't know what I'm getting at but I do. I know you're sick Andi. I know how time seemed to be the antagonist here but, I want you to know that I don't care. I don't care if I'll get hurt. I don't care how much painful it would be." I watched his sad smile reflected his eyes. "Just let me love you. Let me take care of you. Let me sleep and wake up beside you. Let me cook breakfast for you. Let me make you smile... happy even. Let me be there for you when you need me. Let me be your strength. I want all of it Andi. I need all of you. Only you. I don't care if we can't have a whole family. We're adopting Elise. We will be whole as it is, like any ordinary family there is. You, me and Elise we'll create memories together. Happy memories." My tears streamed down my face and no matter how much I want for them to stop, I cannot. He pulled me closer and caressed my cheek. "I can't turn back yesterday and change it so please let me make up for the lost time. I promise I'll be the best husband there is. I promise I'll never get tired of taking care of you... of loving you. You said we don't know how much time left there is, so let me start right now. Let me have the honor to be the man you'll spend your life with." He paused as he started to kneel down into his knees.
"This might not be what you dreamt about of having someone asking you for marriage but..." He stopped and sighed, looking at me like I was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid his eyes on even though I was in my jammies and a big jacket. "Andrea Marie Price, will you let me marry you right now in this church as I present to God the most wonderful and beautiful and amazing---" I chuckled, tears still evident in my face. "--- woman I want and need to be my wife?"
"Yes." I whispered exhiliriatingly. As soon as the word was said, Justin immediately embraced me into a warm hug.
"I love you Andi. I love you." He mumbled over and over again into my ears as he circled me around. I smiled, hugging him in return. "I love you."
"I love you Justin."
He placed me gently on my feet and stared at me with genuinity. "I love you Andi. So much."
As the clock turned 12 under the cold, silent night inside the church, Justin and I exchange our 'I do's' with God as our ultimate witness as we exchange our vows till death do we part.
Surprisingly the priest who officiated our marriage three years ago was still here. He was surprised to see us but didn't question why we're dragging him to do our vows all over again. He was just smiling and accommodating — despite the time of the day. I concluded he was thinking Justin and I were just celebrating our third anniversary.
"We'll marry again the way you want us to be married. Be it grand, intimate, by the beach, backyard or church. But right now you are mine. You are my Mrs. Bieber again." He kissed me again and again and again. I laughed. He smiled down on me, his eyes glowing with happiness reflecting my own. "Now everytime you'll remember this church, this day. You'll only remember how much I love you and want to spend the rest of my life taking care of you and loving you."
He leaned in, his forehead touching mine.
"I love you Mr. Bieber."
"I love you Mrs. Bieber." He, then, sealed it with a kiss.
Now, if only we can hit pause, rewind and play moments like this instead of forward and not knowing what each day could bring. If only tomorrow was just any other normal day. If time could only stop.
~*~
A.N. Not edited, ver., 2015