To hide the pain we push people away. In the end we have no other choice. As the pain consumes us we fear for our loved ones. Them being the ones we have the need to protect and so our self sacrifice begins.
Luca’s POV.
Mamma pulls up to the house and my stomach drops. With my eyes closed and my head tilted against the back of the seat I can’t see anything. But my stomach does a summersault and I know it’s a bad sign. It’s never a good sign when mom tenses. She’s hunched forward looking out the windshield, her lips purse into a frown. My eyes divert to the stone driveway. Tire marks and burns are scattered across the drive. Leading all the way down, they go onto the road and down the street. Mamma’s eyes meet mine and her confused face creases even more. The wrinkles around her eyes and nose deepen. We both look to the window. Behind the lace curtain Aria’s silhouette stands tall. Her shoulders hunch just slightly as she spots us outside, I frown.
“Vediamo cosa sta succedendo,” mamma says. She’s out of the car before I can stop her. She wants to see what’s going on, but I can tell she’s already freaking out.
“Careful mamma, you’re speaking Italian again,” I tell her, knowing she’s worried and not doing it intentionally. “I’m right behind you.”
The door opens and Dante looks directly to me, ignoring mamma as she walks by. It’s a bad sign, a very bad sign. “D, what’s going on?”
“Come inside and we’ll talk.” His voice cracks. Anxious, I worry my bottom lip with my teeth. Drawing blood and not caring. Mammas face pales and she draws Aria into a tight embrace.
“What’s going on? You guys look like you’ve seen a ghost.” They don’t answer. “Come on; tell me what’s going on here.”
Clearing his throat, Dante speaks. “Robert was here when we got home earlier. I don’t know where’s he’s staying or if he’s staying, but he’s back.”
Robert? He’s here? My voice died inside my throat. Tears cloud my eyes. I begin to shake violently. They don’t notice though. None of them look away from themselves. Mammas face pales even more, her cheeks become moist with tears. I feel like I’m suffocating. My lungs fill with oxygen yet I cannot breathe. Every breath becomes tougher. My lungs fail to release the badness in them. Tremors ripple through my body. He’s here and coming after me. They don’t say it, but I know it’s true. Their eyes don’t do a good job of hiding that fact. I sneak out of the room. Not wanting to stand there and listen to their conversation. They don’t need to see what comes next. I don’t want them to hear.
Inside my bedroom I close my door and slide to the floor. I bury my head into my knees, not sure where else to hide it. The tremors running through my body have paralysed me. Fear grips me and clouds over into my thoughts. It’s like living in the past and not being able to escape. Picking myself off the floor I head into my bathroom. Pain, I need to cause myself pain. Something needs to happen for me to feel comfortable again. Living in my skin is becoming more and more unbearable. It hurts to simply wake up and open my eyes. Life isn’t what I want; it’s the end I want. I just need to see the end.
“Il mio tesoro, are you in here?” Mamma speaks from my bedroom. I clear my throat to call out, “be there in a minute mamma.”
I quickly wipe away the tears. The redness is noticeable, so I pour some cold water over my face to make it less obvious. Sighing, I realise it’s not going to work and I walk back to my bedroom. My body chooses now to start trembling again. Mamma watches me walk over to her; the signs of her wanting to touch me are there. She keeps her hands fisted on the bed, her eyes give me a once over and her mouth’s set in a firm line. We used to be very close, now I’m not sure if we’ll ever be the same again. And it’s all my fault. I don’t speak and neither does she. Her eyes never leave me though, and she’s the one who breaks the silence again.
“I think,” she starts carefully, “that we should try some family counselling. We’re falling apart and I won’t allow that to happen. I’m not letting that bastard destroy my family and my children. I’m going to fight for us, il mio tesoro. I need to fight for us.”
“Mamma, I think we both know it won’t be the same. We’re never going to get that back.” Sadly, I know she won’t believe me. She likes to see things as fixable. Mamma never saw the evil in the world before I ruined it all, but now she does. She just doesn’t know her son is part of that evil. She thinks I’m the victim. I think that’s sad.
“You’re my baby boy. I love you; I love your brother and sister. Noi siamo una famiglia, that’s what matters, famiglia. We have to get back to something better,” she’s sad. I can see it. But she’s also determined but her determination won’t work though. Nothing can repair the damage I’ve caused. Impatiently, she starts talking again. “Listen to me, il mio tesoro. You might not see it now, but some day you will realise, this is not your fault. Do you remember when you were a little boy, the day you came out?”
“Si mamma, I can’t forget.” I say it more bitterly than I should, but not because I’m bitter at them. I should never have let that situation happen, they were the reason things didn’t get worse before they did.
She goes silent. I look up, her eyes are teary. “That day was one of the proudest days of my life. My little boy, five years old and able to talk about a cute boy, I was never prouder.” She laughs thoughtfully. “Most people would find that a crazy thing. But I was raised to be proud of who you are. It’s why you’re grandparents are so proud of you.”
“I was worried afterwards. Kids used to tease me, even back then about it. I always knew I was strange.”
She nods. “Si Luca, I know. I’ve always know you were special. I just never knew how special until last year, and that kills me. It really does.” Her defeated sigh resonates my guilt. I’m the reason she’s lost her spark. No one else can take the blame for all the pain our family has been through, no one but me anyway.
“Maybe we could spend some time together. Tomorrow even? We can cook together, or I can try to learn from you at least.” She’s trying to worm her way back in, and to get me to eat. When’s the last time I ate? I actually can’t remember it must be weeks since I’ve eaten a proper meal. But I’m not hungry. My body doesn’t show any signs of hunger, unless you count my slight weight loss. I’ve never been big like my brother, never had a lot of meet on my bones. Looking at me is like looking at a sickly person. I don’t look much better than a cancer patient. I just get to keep my hair. It’s the only thing that looks nice, and even then it’s long enough to be a girls head. Nothing about me really fits the image of a good boy. I’m just dirty.
“That sounds nice mamma. If you want we could make pizza? I know you guys like pizza’s when I make them,” I try to sound enthusiastic. I fail, if the look on her face is anything to go by.
“Luca, if you don’t want to spend time with me, just say. I know you’re a big boy now and I’m just your mamma. We can do something another time… If that’s what you really want. Don’t let me force you.”
My heart aches at her words, I shake my head. “No mamma, I want to spend time with you. I just don’t see why you want to spend time with me anymore.” Mamma stands, her arms flail around her, she looks frustrated. Crouching down in front of me she crowds me against the bed saying, “Luca, my baby boy. You don’t understand. Sei mio figlio, that means you don’t get rid of me. Ti voglio bene.”
I know she loves me. In Italian or in English I know she always means it. I don’t think she should though, especially when I can’t say it back to her. “I know mamma, I really do know.” It doesn’t change me though. It doesn’t make me better. “You know I have never doubted your love, not really.”
She nods. “I do know. I don’t know how you feel though. Getting inside your head is impossible. Sometimes I wonder… Would I want to know Luca? Would I ever want to know the level of sadness in your head?”
I say nothing. She knows deep down that it’s better than any answer. Looking up, I notice her sadness. Mamma being who she is hides it from me. They all do. My family doesn’t want to accept how bad I am. Nonnino and nonnina can’t speak to me like they used to. They call to check on me and always seem to cry. Their tears are wasted on me. Everyone’s tears are wasted on me.
“Nonnina called yesterday.” Mamma breaks the silence. “She and Nonnino are coming for Christmas. She said they’ll bring lots of presents for their grandchildren.” Her attempt at making me excited fails.
“Get some sleep, il mio tesoro. I shall see you bright and early in the morning. We can make pizza after breakfast.”
She leans over to kiss my forehead but stops. Her eyes search mine. She sees the fear and pain in them, leaving her with only one thing to do. Pulling away, she makes room for me to stand before she looks around the room and leaves. With my heart thumping in my chest I go to finish what I started earlier. Mamma may not understand what I do, and why I do it. But there are reasons for everything. Sometimes we never understand the reasons for these things. I’m sure no one would understand me if they knew. But in the shower, with hot water running over my body, I can call myself better. The water burns away the sickness on my skin. It burns away all the evil that has touched me.
“I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.” I sing over and over again. The music playing in the back of my mind, and in the silence of the bathroom my voice is all there is.
I’m sitting on the floor. D and Ari are sitting beside me. D’s giving us cards, smiling as he plans his attack. Ari tries to crawl around to see his cards, but D catches her. Smiling again, he shoves her away and she rolls across the floor. We laugh at the good of it, especially when she rolls herself back.
“I’m the best as snap,” he says smugly.
“You are not, Dante. Shut up and give us out our cards.” Ari retorts back.
“Shut up Aria, just because you’re jealous doesn’t mean you can give out to me. I’m still the oldest.” She scoffs back at him “And the smuggest!”
“Kids, play nice now.” He says from his chair. Ari apologises, but D just glares back at him. The cold look he has in his eyes makes me shiver. D turns back to me with a smile. His face now completely warm, the cold long since replaced.
“So Pooh bear, meet any cute boys in school?”
The blush shoots up my body. My first day of school is officially over and D already wants to know if I’ve made any friends. But I stop and gawk at him. The question, why would he ask me that question?
“Ooh yeah, did you see Connor? He’s cute. Don’t you think Pooh bear?” Ari sounds excited. I did notice Connor, he smiled at me and I blushed.
“He’s cute enough,” I murmur. Ari squeals as mamma comes in. She smiles down at us.
“My little boy’s growing up so much, already talking about the cute boys.” She turns to him and smiles. “We won’t be able to keep the boys away from the door one day.”
He grunts. I’m not sure what mamma mutters, but she doesn’t give me time to think about it. I’m pulled close and kissed. Her lips brush every inch of my face. The smile on her face is warm. “Ti voglio bene,” her voice is like sunshine on a dark day. I’m loved and cared for. It’s all I can ask for. “Ti voglio bene, mamma.”
“Luca has a boyfriend, Luca has a boyfriend!” Ari shouts, making mamma laugh. “I’m not sure about that yet, sweetheart. But your brother definitely will have a boyfriend one day.”
D laughs aloud. “We should look into that place for gay kids and their families. We have one in school.”
Mamma looks at him. “You mean PFLAG?” He nods. “That’s a wonderful idea. I’ll call the centre back in the city and see if they have meetings.”
I smile shyly, shivering when I feel hateful eyes bore into my back. D reaches out and pulls me into his lap. My long hair brushes his face in the process, he laughs behind me. I feel his arms tightening, I wonder why. From D’s lap I can hear his mutters from the chair. Nothing audible, but I know what he’s saying.
I feel his hands rubbing comforting circles against my back. He kisses the top of my head and tickles me slightly, I giggle uncontrollably. The smile on D’s face is huge; he looks down and stops with a laugh. I stiffen when he looks over at me from the chair; his eyes make me shrink back into D’s arms.
“Don’t worry Pooh bear, we love you no matter what,” D’s breath brushes my ear. He continues to hold and hug me. But I can feel his gaze move from me. I snuggle back into the embrace and fall asleep in my brother’s lap.
“Love you, Pooh bear. Sleep tight.” D’s voice guides me to my dreams.
His eyes never leave me.
His hate doesn’t waver.
His face is the one in my nightmares.
His voice is all I can hear that night.
Gasping for breath, I wake up in a pool of sweat. Brushing the hair out of my eyes, I feel the sweat on the back of my hand. My black sweatshirt sticks to my skin. The sleeves are impossibly soaked. Darkness pours into my bedroom. Alone and scared I do the only thing I can do. I reach under my pillow and take out the knife. The night before, having been expecting more nightmares I placed the knife. The silver blade is almost completely blood stained now. Only tiny specs of silver can be seen. The blade feels good on my skin. Even before I cut it feels good. The knowledge that it will happen is enough to make me calm down.
My bedroom door creaks and I rush to put the knife back under my pillow. Dante stands there with a sleepy expression. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” His sleep filled voice is barely audible in the silent of the night.
“Um… Sure, come on.”
“Couldn’t sleep either?” He asks, but doesn’t give me time to answer. “We need to talk about this. You’ve been cutting again, haven’t you.”
It’s not a question. He knows because he’s the one that watches me. He knows everything about me now. The things I want to keep hidden are the things he’s learned since everything went downhill. Now he’s telling me he knows and what do I want to do? I want to tell him to get out and leave me alone. I want to do what I want to do. He knows. The way his eyes flicker to mine confirms that fact. Dante is a lot of things. Caring, loving, athletic, funny but one thing he’s not is stupid. He has a way of knowing what I’m thinking and how I feel… Or at least he does now.
“I don’t need to answer that.” I whisper, hanging my head in shame. But I don’t really feel ashamed, it’s a gut reaction. It’s what he wants or at least expects to see. It’s what I need to do for him. But should I be doing it? Will he think I can be helped?
“Hearing about Robert’s done something to you. I can tell. Talk to me Luca, I want to help you. Let me help you,” he begs.
My answer is simple, nothing. I don’t answer; instead I turn away from him. Decisions have to be made and I’m making mine. They can’t put up with me forever. So I’ll make it easy for them. Pulling away is easier. It won’t hurt them as much; they won’t have to suffer anymore. Losing me won’t hurt as much, though it shouldn’t anyway. I’ve been nothing but trouble for years. I can’t let them love me anymore.
“Luca, please don’t do this. I can help you.” His plea goes unanswered. Deep down he knows it’s for the best.
“I love you, Pooh bear. I love you so much it hurts to see you pulling away from us,” he says aloud. “I’ll get you back. One way or another you’ll come back to us.”
Footsteps and the click of the door are all I hear. The room feels darker somehow. Adjusting to the darkness takes time, my eyes strain to see past the lights flashing through my window. A road just a few minutes from my bedroom is still busy. New York is so much different from Texas. I guess the cities are the same, but growing up in the middle of nowhere is different. We lived somewhere, where the nearest neighbour was an hour away. Where the darkness consumed the outside at night, there was never any light at night. People couldn’t hear if you screamed.
I don’t fall asleep again. My head’s too busy with everything. Dante’s words echo in the dark room for hours. I’ll get you back. One way or another, you’ll come back to us. I turn on the bed. My old Winnie the Pooh teddy bear is sitting on the edge of my bed. Dante’s idea of getting me back is going to an extreme. I don’t remember where I dumped it in the house, but I didn’t leave it here. I wanted it to stay in Texas… Apparently, I’m the only one who did. He looks the same as he did when I was younger. His yellow is just as vibrant and clean as before.
A few hours pass, and a knock on the door shocks me back into reality. I look up at the door as Aria walks in. Her hair is tied back in a ponytail and her smile is bright. “Mom said you’re cooking today, can I join you two?”
“If you want to,” I reply.
She smiles, it’s forced, but it’s a smile. “You don’t sound too excited about it. If you don’t want to do this I can tell mom. But we kind of though… I don’t know that maybe it would be nice to spend some time together. She’s even roping Dante into watching everything.”
“It could be fun. Besides we don’t get a lot of time together anymore, so it’ll be fine.” I try to smile. But it doesn’t reach my eyes. It never does.
“So, do you want to tell me about Caden? I’ve heard he likes you.”
She sits on my bed and smiles. Her bubbly personality is back. It was gone for a while, and I missed it. She’s not Aria without all the happy smiles. The one thing I didn’t miss was her ability to claw an answer out of people. It’s very subtle and you never know what’s happening until it’s done. Her eyes show a lot. Some of which I don’t want to see, the darkness hidden behind the smile.
“I don’t really want to, but do I have a choice?”
She shakes her head. Sighing, I answer, “Caden’s a great guy. He’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.” I take a quick glance at her. “You know he’s gay. Hell, I think everyone knows he’s gay. Caden knows he’s gay, but he thinks others don’t know. But I don’t like the fact he’s crushing on me. I’m trying to let him down gently. It will be tough though, I don’t want to hurt him in any way.”
“Why do you have to let him down? Why can’t you date him?” She’s insistent; I’ll say that about her.
“I have to. I can’t date him.”
She pushes more. “Do you want to though?”
“It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s not going to happen. You have to accept that.” You want it to happen though, more than someone like you should.
“Bullshit,” she exclaims. “You have as much right to want him as anyone else. Maybe even more so than the others, you actually care about him. Not just about what you want. It’s something you should consider Pooh bear.”
I don’t reply. It’s getting easier to lock myself in. The imaginary box surrounding me is getting smaller. People can’t get in unless I let them in and those who are in are slowly forced out. The ones that are in the box don’t want to leave. Some new, others old all of them have wormed their way into the box. Aria walks around the bed and looks down at me. Hurt shines from her eyes. Not hurt that I’m shutting her out. No, that would be easier to deal with. This hurt is from guilt. Her guilt at the part she believes she played in everything that happened. The guilt that shouldn’t be there, she doesn’t have one thing to feel guilty about. Aria being who she is though, doesn’t believe that.
“Luca, we love you kiddo,” she tries.
Silence is her answer. “I’m sorry, so, so sorry that all this happened. But don’t stay mad at us, please.”
“Aria, Luca, mom wants us downstairs now.” Dante’s voice comes from outside the door, “Everything okay in there?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine in here.” Aria replies as she opens the door. Dante looks at her, a scowl on his face. He looks back to me, eyes resting on me with a questioning glance. I stand and walk past them. The sound of their impending argument is not something I want to hear. Mamma stands at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me. With one look she knows not to go up and get them. We both sigh when a voice booms from a bedroom. From there I hear a bedroom door slam and shouting starts.
“Let’s go start in the kitchen. We’ll leave those two to it.” Mamma stalks into the kitchen. Her hand brushes over her eyes as she turns away. I notice the damp patch on her skin. She’s crying, now.
“What am I supposed to do?” Aria’s voice travels down the stairs and into the kitchen.
“How the fuck can I answer that? All I know is you need to grow up. Thing’s aren’t the way they used to be and we need to pull together.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” She screeches. “I’ve lived in this hell for years, it’s not just been you, ya know.”
Dante’s next words are quieter. Mamma looks up at the ceiling and slumps. Her whole body shrinks to the size of a child. I grab the flour from the cupboard and toss it at her. She catches it, surprised. I motion for her to start preparing things, just then the voices rise again.
“Don’t you mention that fucking bastard again!” Something falls upstairs.
“You have some fucking nerve bringing him up. What does it sound like when you mention him ALL THE FUCKING TIME!”
“Come on il mio tesoro. Let’s get started on thee pizza’s.” Mamma waves me over to her. She smiles when I obey her and start pouring out the ingredients. She retrieves the others from the fridge and we listen as two doors bang, one after the other. Everything dissolves into silence. I concentrate on cooking, trying to ignore the feeling of unease. Mamma does he best to ignore everything. I can see it bothers her though.
“Do you want to go check on them?”
She shakes her head. “Nope, I’m staying with you for our alone time.” She smiles at me and then puts everything down. “I want to ask you something. I know the answer already, but… I need to try and fix it.”
“Ask me what?”
“Do you hate us? I know…” She brushes tears away from her eyes. “I know you have every right to. We’re not perfect Luca, and I’m sorry everything happened the way it did. But, I need to know if I can fix things. Maybe we could work out a way to improve things.”
“Mamma, please don’t… I can’t talk about this. I’m sorry.” The last words are just a whisper. It breaks my heart. But I have to do something. My grand plan is not working out. Since getting out of the hospital they have been more loving. I need them to stop caring or this will all go to hell. Hurting them again isn’t an option. It’s not, no way in hell. Nonnino and nonnina coming is causing a lot of problems too. They are some of the nicest people. I’ll break before I can go any farther. How can you break, when you’re already broken?
“Let’s get to work then. We can talk about the messy stuff after food.” Mamma’s smile is forced, but it will have to do.
“Okay. Let’s make some pizza.” I say. Mamma flows through a few tense minutes. Neither of us speaks much. I catch her watching me a few times though.
“Oh, there’s some good news too.” She chirps while I’m showing her how to spread the toppings on the pizza. She’s trying to learn how to make a tasty pizza, instead of a dull cheese one, but she keeps distracting herself.
“Good news for your job?” I ask dumbly. She wouldn’t tell me it was good news for that reason alone.
The looks she gives me has what-the-hell written all over it. “No silly, do you remember Evan. He was one of the boys from school, the nice boy, with blond hair.”
I remember the boy well. The boy mamma talks about and the boy I knew are two completely different people. Of course mamma doesn’t know what Evan did, no one does. Unless he told people, which there is a very big chance that he did. I nod at her and she smiles. Her excitement is typical. She always thought Evan and I were friends. I think everyone in my family did at the time. Dante suspected in the end, but I lied my way through it. It’s not hard to hide the truth.
“Evan’s parents are coming to New York. I’m not sure, but I think they’re moving. Isn’t it great? You two could try and become friends… Or if you were already friends that would be even better, wouldn’t it, il mio tesoro?”
“Yes mamma, do you know when they’re coming?”
She smiles. “I’m not certain, but I would imagine it would be in a couple of weeks.”
Dante pounds down the stairs, his heavy footsteps make the wooden floor creek. He looks extremely pissed as he walks into the kitchen, rolling his sleeves up to the elbow. Mamma gives him a long hard look. One he returns. I stand there with flour on me, watching the display. Neither speaks, both exchanging something. I’m not entitled to that knowledge. The minutes pass, and finally, Dante turns to walk closer to me.
“Come on Pooh bear; show us how to cook properly.” The excitement mamma has isn’t in his voice.
“Dante, do you remember Evan? The boy Luca went to school with, well his family are moving here,” she says. “Isn’t it wonderful?”
He stands there, looking at her. Debating whether he remembers Evan or not, then a flicker of realisation crosses his face. “Eh mom, I’m not sure we should be that excited. He got into a lot of trouble before we left. A lot of rumours started about him.”
“You know you shouldn’t believe everything you hear. What could be so bad that we shouldn’t be happy about them moving here?” She sounds annoyed and maybe upset. I can’t tell.
“Mom,” Dante sighs, “he was rumoured to have almost raped a boy in the boy’s room. It was more or less confirmed by him at the time, so it’s safe to say it’s not just a rumour.”
Mamma’s face pales. “He…”
“He loved bragging about it,” he says coolly.
Mamma looks shaken. “Who was the boy? Does anyone know?”
Dante shakes his head, though his eyes find mine. “No, though people think it was a younger kid. I’m not sure. We never found out who it was and people didn’t care.”
“I always thought he was a lovely boy, always so reserved but friendly. You never really know people.”
“Alright, let’s get going with this pizza,” Dante says while walking to me. “Show us how you work your magic.”
So I do. They watch me prep all the ingredients and put them on the pizza. I hear them laugh. Looking down I see I got tomato sauce on myself. I don’t laugh but I lower my head and pretend to. They’re not fooled easily, but nothing is said. We know I won’t smile. Not a proper one anyway. I don’t just smile anymore. I finish and start to clean up. Dante and mamma are watching me, smiling. I shift nervously on my feet. They say nothing. Just watch me stand there.
“Eh…” I have nothing to say.
“Mom, I’m taking Pooh bear for a drive. We’ll be back later.” Dante ushers me out of the kitchen. His hands push lightly on the small of my back, making me move. Whatever he’s doing he’s determined to get me out of the house.
In the car he doesn’t speak. We drive for a few minutes in complete silence. His eyes never leave the road, but I can feel the odd glance out of the corner of my eye. We pass the outskirts of the city. The silence feels nice, no pressure. But I know it won’t last. He’s too quiet. Dante is one of those people who likes to talk. It’s one of the things he and my sister have in common. The two of them could talk about nothing for hours. Even during the bad times they talked.
He pulls up outside a forest. “So, I found out there’s an area we can hunt. Technically, we’re not in New York anymore. So we can look into hunting out here.”
“Just like when we were kids?”
“Well, except it will be just the two of us. But yeah, just like when we were kids.”
He smiles. “Come on, I want to show you around.”
The forest looks large but as you pass the threshold of tree’s you realise it’s not as big as it looks. Unlike Texas, this forest doesn’t appear to be as vast as others. The openings are much smaller and there’s less room to move around in. Dante either doesn’t notice or he doesn’t care. But one thing I notice is there are a lot of people with rifles. The atmosphere is very masculine. The men are talking very crudely about things. Dante stills when the words ‘faggot’ and ‘queer’ are thrown out. I continue walking and he follows.
“Sorry, I didn’t know it would be like this.”
I shrug. “I’m used to it, you’ll get there too.”
He looks angry. “That’s the thing Pooh bear, I don’t want to get used to it. And I definitely don’t want you to be used to it. You deserve better than that bullshit. A hell of a lot better in my mind. No one deserves to have that said to them on a daily basis. No wonder so many kids want to stay in the closet.” He sighs and massages his temples. “We took that away from you. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”
I shuffle my feet in the dirt. I avert my eyes away from him and stare at the ground under my feet. “It was never your fault. You guys didn’t know what he was like.” I whisper hoarsely. “No one did.”
“We should have known. He was an evil bastard. They all are. And we stood back and let them… They ruined you, and us Luca. Nothing can change that.”
“Exactly,” I tell him, “nothing can change the past. But we can change the future. Don’t blame yourself for this. I never have and I never will. You guys supported me when most people would have walked away. I’m never going to be your Pooh bear again. I’ll never be anyone’s Pooh bear again.”
He smiles sadly. “I know you’re not the same. When we were kids you loved ‘cuddle time’. You were so different,” he sighs. “It doesn’t mean you can’t be happy though. Let’s face it; we’re never going to be the same. But different doesn’t have to mean bad either.”
I say nothing. He sighs dejectedly. It annoys him that I don’t speak. I can’t explain it to him. He doesn’t understand. In a way he does, yes. But he didn’t go through the shit I did. He’s not the person that lived in hell. He looks at me sideways. “You know we’re not the same people, but we both know what happened. More than mom and Aria know, that should be why you talk to me.”
“Something in the water here must make me galloping crazies.”
He laughs. It’s unexpected. But it happens. Like a lions roar, it’s loud and spine tingling. “You’re just saying that because people are nicer here.” He considers for a moment. “Well, most are anyway.”
His smirk is pure evil next. “I wouldn’t even kill Caden if you started dating him. It’s funny how life works like that sometimes.” That shocks me, my mouth pops open. “I thought you’d kill any guys that came near me. So why’s Caden different?”
He stalks forward with an amused grin. His fingers trace my neck and he pulls on my angel. I feel the heat rising up my neck and into my cheeks. It shocks me that I can feel like this. Feeling much shocks me in general. “Well, let’s just say this kid is different. Not in a bad way or anything, but I might have spoken to him briefly. Unlike most of the idiots around, he seems to care about you.” He laughs at himself. I raise a questioning brow. “I’d say he more than cares about you. He loves you Luca.”
“Don’t say that, please.” My voice hitches and tears start falling. “Just don’t say things like that about him. He doesn’t deserve that.”
He grabs my shoulders and shakes me gently. “Don’t talk that way about my brother. He’s a great guy, and I love him a hell of a lot.”
I brush the tears away. He smiles crookedly. I don’t say anything and follow him back to the car. The silence passes with tension. I breathe in allowing the air to assault my lungs. The burn makes me smile. Not a real smile, but mentally the pain feels good. It’s relaxing. Dante doesn’t notice. He’s concentrating on leading us back to the car. I breathe deeply until I’m at risk of stopping. My head starts to spin. Everything I see blurs until it’s hard to make out shapes. The feeling of being high is amazing. I’ve not felt this good. I’m so close to the end. I can feel it now; things are coming to an end.
My eyes open and they’re hovering over me. I start to cry, but they just laugh. One of them puts his hand over my mouth.
“Shush,” he whispers. “We don’t want to see you getting upset now. Do we?”
I try to cry, but they stop me. Something’s holding my body down. I can’t move. The restraint on my arms and legs makes me feel small. I wriggle around on the floor. Saliva lands on my face.
“Good one, Rob. Though I wouldn’t waste my time spitting on him, he’s not worth it.”
“You’re right there. But I find myself wanting to see him begging for it.” He sneers. “Beg me to spit on you boy.”
No please, I beg. I don’t want this. I keep my mouth shut. I don’t want to say it. Please don’t make me beg. I’ll do anything; just don’t make me beg for it. The worst part is begging for them to do it.
“You heard what I said,” he shouts. “Beg me to spit on your worthless body.”
“Please, just do it!” I cry out. “Just spit on me please. I want you to spit on me. I don’t care anymore!” Jolts of fear run through my body. He leans over and his alcohol carrying breath assaults my nostrils. His flare in anger when I breathe, it relaxes me. Slowly and carefully I breathe in. I can no longer feel pain; it’s like being on a high. My eyes roll into the back of my head.
“Think you can zone out of this boy, think again.”
Something hot and wet lands on my back, it runs all over the skin. I scream out in pain. It continues, the pain, the burn. Nothing stops it. I beg them to stop. They laugh and I feel the slice of a blade against my lower back. I can feel and hear them laughing. Their sloppy movements and shaking hands tell me they’re laughing.
In one swift, violent movement one of them is in me. He pounds me into the floor. My face presses into the cold floorboard. The pain and burn shoots through my body. Sweat pumps from the man above me. He continues to thrust into my violently. Footsteps are the last thing I consciously hear before I pass out.
I feel them though. Even in my unconscious slumber I can feel them. Cold cloths wipe away the wet stuff on my back. Another set of hands join them. These hands have rubber gloves on them. Someone pokes and pods at my hole. Then I feel the sharp pain of stitches being inserted.
“He’ll be out for a while.” One of the voices says. It sounds female.
“I’ll keep him here for a day. They won’t be back for another few days. He’ll be back to normal in no time.” A hard hand rubs my back roughly. “Won’t you boy?”
“Just make sure it doesn’t get infected. I’m helping you take care of this faggot. Don’t make me regret it.”
“You have to do it, you love us.” A voice says sweetly.
“I suppose I do, but it’s becoming a pain in the ass. Especially with the boy’s mother being as wonderful as she is.”
My mind blanks out and I hear no more. My tears flow freely in my dreams, because in them I’m dead and much better off.
“Luca,” a voice says.
“Come on Luca, wake up.”
I open my eyes to see Dante’s worried face. I blink owlishly and wipe a hand against my eyes. I look out the car window and see sprawling fields. My head tries to catch up, but it fails. I open and shut my mouth. Confused I look back to Dante for answers. He sighs. “You were having a bad dream again. You need talk about those. I know you’ve been having those more since we moved here.”
He helps me to sit up. “Is there anything you want to tell me about? A reason for the nightmares to come back, maybe.”
It’s because of the letters, they’ve caused this. Just keep quiet or things will get worse. Don’t tell him a thing! I shake my head. “No, I… I guess I just forgot that things were still going on in my head.” I look at him, pleading. “I’m fine, really. Just forget about it and I’ll tell the psychiatrist Monday.”
“You could talk to me about it.” He sulks. I feel desperate. It’s hurting him to hear me talk like this, but I’ve got very few options.
I sigh, agitated. “If I could tell you I would, but it’s too hard for me to talk to you. I don’t want to hurt you guys. And you can’t deny that it would hurt you if I told you the truth about everything.”
“It hurts that you can’t tell me,” he replies with a hint of bitterness.
“I know that and it’s why I try to avoid everything. It’s easier for me to not hurt you if I’m not around.”
“Maybe you haven’t figured it out. Maybe you think it’s better, but it hurts Luca. It hurts when you’re not around. You’re my best friend, not just my brother,” he lets out a choked cry. “I miss you so much sometimes. It physically hurts me.”
“I…” Speechless is what I am, absolutely speechless. But I need to soldier on. It’s too late; I need to end this once and for all. It’s the best for everyone.
“Don’t, just don’t Luca, please. You need to let us help you, let me help you. It’s never going to be easy, but we can make a good life for ourselves here. But we need you.”
I’m dead inside and that’s what they need? I’ve got nothing to offer. Cut me open and all you’ll see is a dead person. There’s no heart, no soul worth saving. I’m left lingering in a shell that was wasted on me. Someone could have used my shell. Instead it was wasted on a wasteful useless person. I’m nothing but trouble and sickness. It’s all I’ll ever be.
Dante’s eyes bore into me, trying to find some of the person he knew. It’s inevitable that one day even the hint of that person will be gone.
“Luca, you’re scaring me now. Come on Pooh bear, say something.” His voice is a distant wave in the sea of sound. “Luca!” His voice screams.
“I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, The only thing that’s real, The needle tears a hole, The old familiar sting, Try to kill it all away, But I remember everything.”
A hand in front of my face snaps me out of my trance. “Jesus Luca, where are your meds?” Dante sounds shaken and angry.
“The psychiatrist says I don’t need them anymore, she says I’m fine.” I feel the distance between us like the Great Barrier Reef.
“She what?” He shouts. “I can’t believe she would take you off those. You were getting better on them.”
I shake my head in a childlike way. “Nope, they didn’t help, which is why I don’t need them. I just felt nothing on them.”
He pulls up outside the house and I feel hand pulling me out of the car. Mamma looks worriedly at me. Her arms encircle my waste and we walk into the house. I feel strange, but it’s not unusual. I need to cut again. My body’s craving the release of cutting, but I don’t know how to get away from them. Too many people are standing around me. Aria sits on the sofa, her arms held out for me. It hits me then. Mamma’s touching me and I’m not freaking out and screaming at the top of my lungs. My throat is dry and my voice is gone. She helps me to the other sofa and puts a blanket over me.
I close my eyes and begin to drift in and out of consciousness. Voices come and go, sometimes its mamma’s voice asking if I’m okay. A few times I hear Aria asking me if I need anything. Dane’s voice comes less than theirs. He just sits there and whispers to me. I feel him brush the hair off my face. He tells mamma about me being off my meds. That’s one conversation that doesn’t sound as concerned, but pissed. Neither of them can understand the psychiatrist taking me off meds. I want to tell them they don’t work. That I was the same on as off them.
“Why would she do that? Anyone can see he’s not getting better.”
Dante answers wearily. “He said they didn’t work. That the psychiatrist said if they weren’t working he didn’t need them. I don’t know if she’s just a shitty doctor or he lied, but I know he needs more help than he has.”
“Well, that’s not good enough. I’m going in with him Monday, whether he likes it or not. He needs something Dante, and I don’t think he’s getting it.” She’s pacing now; I can hear the clink of her heels against the floorboards.
I black out again; sleep takes me at the strangest times. My body is tried; it’s giving up our struggle.
“He needs us now more than ever. You can’t just go out tonight,” Dante hisses.
I hear a door close and Arai’s footsteps inch closer to me. “Listen Dante, you may be my big brother, but that does not give you the right to tell me what I can and can’t do. Now, I’m going out and having fun. I will wait until Luca wakes up and then I’m going. You can’t stop me.”
“Fuck you Aria. It must be nice, you can go out whoring yourself whenever you like. Mom and I have to stay and look after Luca; we don’t get a break from this. I love Luca too much.” I hear the sound of a palm colliding with a face.
“Don’t you dare!” She snarls. “You know I love Luca. He’s not just your brother, and I’m sick and tired of being blamed. I love him just as much as you do, but at least I show emotion. You act like he does! That’s not a good thing Dante, it’s not good to act like your dead inside.”
“You think you know everything, Aria. But you don’t. I’ve seen things that would send you running for the hills, and that’s no joke. But I’ve done my best to keep you and mom in the dark about everything. You wouldn’t want to know, you silly little girl.” He breathes in a hard, cold intake of breath. “Just get out. Leave us alone,” his voice vanishes and I black out again.
It takes a few hours, but I come around again. My eyes stay shut for a while. My breathing regulates, but not because of a bad dream. Someone’s in the room with me. It scares me, I should know who it is, but I don’t. I can feel the person in the room. There’s no talking though. It’s a deadly calm. I hold my breath, listening. A man’s breathing is all I can hear. No cars or trucks in the background, no TV. Just the sound of a man’s heavy breathing. I tense and slowly open my eyes. Nothing comes into view for a few seconds. But after a bit of shuffling around, another pair of eyes comes into focus.