***
Dan and Quinn Howell are running out of time.
For now, a distant Aunty is staying with them, but she has her own family she needs to get back to soon, and once she leaves, it is no longer legal for Dan and Quinn to live there alone.
For the first week after his mother's death, Dan did not leave his room. He retreated inside himself and refused to come out - not until Quinn started sobbing tidal waves onto his chest, and Dan finally snapped out of it.
But he's losing his purpose, his sense of self and his enthusiasm for the thing called life. Dan is just so tired. He wants to just collapse onto the ground in a heap and cry until he ceases to exist. But he can't, he has to stay strong - for Quinn. Quinn has already lost his parents, and he only has half a brother. He deserves better, and Dan can't give that to him.
Dan even sometimes wonders if it would be better for Quinn to be taken to another family who could give him all he needs. Dan loves Quinn with all his heart, but sometimes, love just isn't enough.
Yes love is important, but this society has grown into one where just love itself isn't enough to survive on.
Dan didn't even go to his mother's funeral - he couldn't bring himself to even drag himself out of his room - plus, part of him wasn't ready to say goodbye. Going to a funeral is like confirming someone's death, so if Dan never went to the funeral, his mother wasn't entirely gone. But she was - Dan was just fooling himself. Dan hasn't even cried yet - he's too emotionally ruined for even that.
Today is the day Dan has been dreading - he's back to school today. Dan's alarm starts to blare, and he switches it off quickly, it's not like he's been asleep anyway. Dan hasn't been sleeping well, he's too busy worrying. It seems Dan has infinite things to worry about in his life now: Quinn, school, friends, his father, his mother, his Aunty leaving, Phil; just to name a few.
Dan gets ready in half an hour, hugging Quinn an his aunty goodbye before he walks out his front door, his backpack weighing him down slightly. Dan has become an emotionless soul now - all he feels is sadness and even Quinn triggers that emotion, seeing him just makes Dan feel even worse.
Also, there is the fact that there is absolutely no way for Dan to convey his emotions through anything vocal. Dan pauses along the path, slamming his fist into the brick wall beside him. He repeats it until his knuckles are split and bleeding. The pain Dan feels physically now is nothing compared to what he feels emotionally.
"Dan?" a voice asks, and Dan sleepily turns to see Phil standing there, tears in his eyes.
Dan just stands there, staring at Phil, overcome with so many emotions all at once it's overwhelming. Dan has suddenly gone from feeling nothing at all to feeling so many emotions; pain, happiness, guilt, loneliness, longing, hurt...
Phil doesn't say anything more. He doesn't say 'I'm sorry for your loss' or 'it will get better' like everyone else has done, he doesn't say any empty words. Instead, Phil closes the gap between them and pulls Dan into a fierce hug, not letting go.
Dan grips Phil tightly, as if Phil is his lifeline, and he buries his face into Phil's shoulder. Phil is wearing the Jake the Dog sweater, and just being in Phil's embrace makes Dan feel at home. He's so tired, and so emotional.
And for the first time since his mother passed away, Dan lets the tears out, sobbing heavily into Phil's shoulder, his breathing jagged and loud. Phil doesn't say anything though, no comforting words. Instead, he just holds Dan, and that's enough.
After merge moments or hours, Dan has lost sense of time, they pull away from each other, Dan wiping his eyes with his sleeve and Phil shoving his hands into his pockets. Dan looks down at his hand, his knuckles are covered with dry blood and sting when ever Dan curls his hand into a fist.
"Dan I- I ruined everything," Phil says, tears in his eyes, "I put myself before you when you needed me most. I don't expect you to forgive me straight away but I can prove to you how much you mean to me."
Dan just stares at Phil, his words sinking in, and Dan wants to forgive him right then and there. He really needs his best friend right now.
"Dan, please do something, I don't-" Phil starts, but Dan cuts him off by attacking Phil in another hug, and Phil finally understands, wrapping his own arms around Dan.
"I'm here for you Dan - I mean it," Phil says.
And Dan believes it, because right here, right now, Phil is here for him. Not just with his words, but with his actions too.
"We'd better get to school," Phil says, pulling away from the hug, "but if you need another day I'll stay off with you."
Dan shakes his head. He needs to go back today, or else he will just keep putting it off.
"I um, that note, I kept it," Phil says quietly, "I spent a while taping it back together, I'm rubbish at puzzles, but..."
Dan looks at Phil, unable to believe he kept the many tiny pieces Dan ripped his feelings into and even managed to tape them all back together. Dan doesn't know what to do, whether I feel embarrassed, annoyed, happy or upset.
"I'm here for you Dan, always," Phil says, holding out his hand.
Dan takes it as they walk through the school gates. And with Phil beside him, their hands intertwined, Dan feels safe again.
"Dan!" a loud voice yells, and Dan turns to see Caspar, Joe and Louise running towards him.
Phil steps back as they all attack Dan in a hug. Louise has tears in her eyes as she steps back. Dan smiles softly at his friends. Although he still feels a huge weight tugging his heart downwards, he knows his friends will be there for him, and they will lighten the weight.
Despite all the words said to Dan after his mother's death, he found that hugs helped the most - or just the act of being with another person.
And here, with his friends, he can finally see that maybe hope does lie in the future for him.
***
As Dan and Phil are walking home, Dan is texting Phil.
Dan: Phil, I'm scared.
Phil: Dan I won't let you down ever again, I mean it.
Dan: not about that...
Phil: what is it then?
Dan: what happens when my Aunty leaves?
Phil: oh.
Dan: we have no where to go Phil, no where to stay. My Aunty lives far away, I can't leave you guys, and my father is hopeless.
Phil: could you stay with me?
Dan: no, it's too much work for your mum.
Phil: it's seriously not Dan.
Dan: I don't want to intrude, we'll figure something out.
"No Dan, you're going to come and stay with me. We have two spare rooms, you and Quinn could stay in them," Phil says insistently.
Dan sighs.
Dan: only if your mother agrees. I don't want to be a burden.
Dan: also, there is legal boundaries Phil, and they will probably be a lot of work as well, and background checks...
"They'll be fine Dan. My mum won't mind, either will my Dad," Phil says, stopping as they reach Dan's house, "now go in and I'll text you later."
Phil gives Dan another quick hug before walking over to his own house. When Dan walks inside, he can see some strangers gathered around the table with his Aunty, and Dan is shocked to see Phil's mother there as well.
They cease talking when they notice Dan.
"Dan, hi," Phil's mother says when she sees him, "would you mind coming to take a seat?"
Dan nods stiffly, walking over and sliding into an empty chair at the table - between his Aunty and Phil's mother - he can feel the tension in the air. He doesn't know what is going on, so he just waits for someone to tell him.
"Now, Dan, as you may be aware of, despite that you and Quinn legally own this house, you cannot live alone until you are eighteen," one of the strangers says, "I'm a lawyer, Jenny by the way, I'm here to help you figure out what to do next."
Dan nods, still not entirely sure why Phil's mother is here.
"Now, your Aunty and Mrs Lester have both offered for you both to live with them until you turn eighteen," Jenny explains.
"They should live with me, I am their family after all," Dan's Aunty cuts in, looking annoyed by the whole situation.
"No, it makes more sense for them to live with me, there is no reason to tear them away from their lives, and we have enough rooms - and finance won't be an issue," Mrs Lester says calmly, "but in the end, it should be their decision."
Dan smiles gratefully at Mrs Lester, and she smiles back at him, reaching over and rubbing Dan's shoulder comfortingly.
"Dan, you don't have to chose right away, but we've done checks, and it can be possible for you to live with either one," Jenny says, "let me know which you'd prefer when you decide."
Dan already knows his choice. He pulls out his phone, opening notes and typing one simple sentence which would not offend his Aunty but verify his answer.
All my friends are here, and I don't want to leave them.
"I see," Jenny says, "well, Mrs Lester and I will start to organise everything, in the mean time, you should figure out what you're going to do with this house Dan."
Dan's Aunty is sitting there, and smiles softly at Dan. "If you want to be with your friends I understand. I'll head home once you're settled with Mrs Lester, and you can call me if you ever change your mind."
Dan smiles at her, nodding and she pulls him into a hug. There's suddenly a knock on the door, and Dan rises, frowning with confusion. Who would be at the door? Phil? He walks over, pulling the door open to see Connor.
"Dan," Connor says, pulling him into a hug, "Dan I'm so sorry."
Dan hugs him back, and for the second time that day, he bursts into tears.
************
an// hey guys hope you liked it! please remember to vote, comment and share! sorry it's been a little while, I got new books (TABINOF, username Evie and girl online on tour) and I've been busy reading them all.
TABINOF IS SO AMAZING OMG IM SO PROUD AHHHHHHHH. Also, I've had assignments and have tests coming up for the end of the year (ugh). Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Update within a week hopefully :D