"You look just lovely, darling," my mother, Annabelle, grinned.
I was dressed to perfection in an outfit of my mother's selection. The ensemble consisted of a strapless white tea party dress with a flared skirt. The sweet look was paired with white heels, a silver locket, and diamond earring studs. I felt overdressed, but I knew there was no way I could get out of this. Luckily, my graduation gown would be covering the outfit for most of the evening.
"Where's Dad?" I asked.
My mother frowned. "Oh, I forgot to tell you. Your father has business in Houston so he can't make it, but he sends his love."
I nodded, trying to ignore the hurt that threatened to infiltrate me. However, my heart was at full capacity for pain and I was unfortunately used to at least one of my parent's absence. I simply nodded, though my mother doesn't notice. Her attention was focused on her flawlessly coifed blond hair in the reflection of her compact mirror.
My mother was the picture perfect image of a gracefully aging Barbie doll. She had blond hair that fell gracefully to her shoulders and smooth, wrinkle-free skin. She had a slim figure that almost rivaled my own and flattering genes she'd passed on to me. The ageless beauty was aided by syringes of botox, hours in the gym with her personal trainer, and thousands of dollars worth of creams and potions. The sheer amount of time my mother dedicated to keeping up appearances had always astounded me, in comparison to the lack of time she dedicated to me. I had to admit that I was both grateful and surprised that she'd found the time to attend my graduation in the midst of her busy socialite lifestyle.
As I followed her out to her car, a white Audi convertible, I couldn't help but feel like I'd end up just like her. The thought was horrible to me. I didn't want to spend my life impressing people with sparkling diamonds and ten thousand dollar dresses, while I ignored my children and failed to develop any meaningful relationships. When my mother announced that she wanted me to meet James Garner, the son of another high ranking socialite, the thought was pressed further into the front of my mind.
And as I pondered the unnerving idea of what my life with James would be like, I couldn't help but think of Alex and how our life would be. I immediately felt like an idiot. Alex didn't want me and today, I'd been doing a good job of not thinking about him. He was a selfish idiotic asshole. Even as I thought the insult, I knew it wasn't true. Alex wasn't selfish. He was caring and compassionate and went out of his way to make sure everyone around him was happy. And he was far from idiotic. Alex was so smart and whenever he began ranting about the universe and stars and physics and space phenomena, I could only smile. I would never care about any of that, but Alex's excitement made the subject bright and enlightening. I could listen to his voice all night, smooth and warm, like sweet honey, floating through the night air. And lastly, Alex wasn't an asshole. He was lovely and I felt all kinds of desperate as I was reminded of just how perfect he was.
I wanted him here with me, not with Jess. I hated her so much. My jealousy was unwarranted, a factor of teenage stupidity and luckless romance I wished I could leave behind. I supposed I just wanted a happy ending with a guy who seemed like a fairy tale. But I was quickly reminded that Alex wasn't a fairy tale; he was a boy with emotional baggage. And I'd been watching too many romantic comedies to be so delusioned by the idea of true never-ending romance.
I was snapped away from my thoughts as my mom parked in the crowded high school lot. The idea that I was graduating was overwhelming and I was left wondering what I was going to do now. I had a summer ahead of me, and a whole year off of school before I made my decisions about university. Most of my friends were heading off to college now, rattling on about their excitement for frat parties and dorms and new people. However, I couldn't find the same excitement.
My mom and I separated as I headed to where the students were supposed to gather and she searched to find a seat in the audience. I met up with Lauren, who was absolutely giddy with excitement. We soon joined the rest of our group of friends and a sense of nostalgia hit. This would be the last time we'd hang out on the school grounds, our high school youth and naivety still vibrant.
Our graduating class was small, reflective of the town, and there were only 157 seniors completing their schooling. It was a long ceremony and as the valedictorian gave her speech, my mind wandered. I traced the days back to when Alex left. I didn't stop by Kathy's to say goodbye and I ignored Alex's calls, deleting all of his voicemails before I listened to them. I didn't want more reminders of all I'd lost.
In the past weeks, I'd thrown myself into schoolwork and riding. I'd studied more for my finals this semester than I had for any of my past ones. If I focused my mind on memorizing Chebyshev's Theorem and the Bill of Rights, I wouldn't have time to think about Alex. I guess I never realized the amazing guy I had with me until he left. But maybe that was for the best. What if I'd gotten more attached, kissed him a few more times and imprinted to memory the feeling of his hand in mine, just for him to pick Jess again? The fact was that I wasn't enough for Alex, and maybe I never would be. That was a stinging reality and it left me restless, tears pooling in my eyes.
Lately, I'd listened to enough sad country music to leave the lyrics rotating through my head in the stillness before I fell asleep. It was nice to know I wasn't alone in heartbreak and luckily, Gary Allan and Lady Antebellum seemed to be experts in the subject. Occasionally, my iPod would shuffle to All Time Low and I'd change it as quickly as I could. I had been quite good about not shedding many tears over my case of unrequited love, but I knew if I heard the sweet melody of Alex's voice, I'd melt into a puddle of tears and hurt.
I was glad I had such a strong group of friends to keep me from caving in and Lauren began coming over to my house most days, just so I wouldn't be alone. At least four times a week, I'd make my way down to Kathy's stables. Even Hawk looked a bit morose, missing his favorite rider. Two days after Alex left, I rode Hawk to the meadow where Alex and I talked the most. It was my unhinging and I found myself crying again. Why couldn't I be enough for him? What did I have to do to be able to compete with Jess? I tried to avoid thoughts of my self doubts and Alex's perfection after that day, though I didn't succeed much.
I rode Aphrodite more than ever and she loved the attention. I worked with her on barrel racing, missing the sport. The focus I had to devote to teaching her and practicing with her consistently helped divert my attention. However, when I was on the edges of sleep or free of any distractions, Alex would creep back into my mind. I thought about the smell of his cologne and the way his hair looked after a shower. It probably didn't help that I slept in his Baltimore Ravens hoodie most nights and even found myself watching an Orioles game one evening. I needed some way to still feel connected to Alex. He was the first boy who had ever managed to truly shake me up, send my heart shattering into glass shards. And I hated him for that, just as much I really really liked him.
A girl from my English class named Jen nudged me as I realized I'd been too lost in thoughts to notice the principal was calling out names now to come up and collect their diploma. A boy named Austin was just walking off the stage as I got out of my seat, making the nerve-wracking walk down the aisles. I prayed that I wouldn't trip or do something equally embarrassing. I'd never been terribly graceful and the attention of an entire audience would only make it worse.
I walked up the stairs that led to the stage, luckily not stumbling in the process. A wave of claps and yells rose up as my friends cheered for me. I spotted my group of friends, my teachers, my mother, and from the side of the audience, a familiar head of caramel hair.
I froze in my spot as I saw Alex. He grinned up at me, clapping eagerly. My heart slammed against my chest as my head spun. Was I imagining him? I blinked, but he was still there, looking up at me with only sunshine in his eyes. The principal placed a tentative hand on my shoulder, snapping me from the moment. I let out a quiet apology before walking shakily down the stairs, diploma in hand.
Alex is here. Alex is here, I repeated over and over again in my head. The thought was dizzying and it made my every hesitance about Alex disappear. I wanted to leap from my seat and talk to Alex, see why he was here. Had he broken up with Jess? Was he choosing me? Would I be getting the fairytale ending I though was near impossbile?
I tried not to get ahead of myself, believing this was more than it might actually be, but I couldn't help myself. Eagerness overwhelmed me and it took all of my will to stay in my seat as the line of students progressed towards the stage. The minutes ticked by at a pace that was coated in molasses. I wanted this ceremony to end. I wanted to see Alex. I wanted my happy ending.
After what felt like hours, my class was finally tossing our caps into the air, blue and gold peppering the sky with joy and excitement. I rushed past groups of giddy classmates as they embraced their impending freedom. I was surrounded by proud parents and exuberant students, but no Alex.
I was growing frantic and agitated as my search for warm brown eyes and honey hair began to seem fruitless. Before I could quit and blame hopeful, lying eyes, a pair of muscular arms encircled me from behind. I spun around quickly, finding the face I'd been searching for. A sweet grin was spread across his lips and his eyes were alight with brightness.
"Alex!" I exclaimed, wrapping my arms around his neck and burrrowing my face into his chest.
"God, I missed you, Hayden," he whispered. I could have sworn he sniffed my hair, but let the weird behavior go.
"I missed you too," I replied. "I can't believe you're here."
"You're my girl, Hayden," Alex stated with conviction. "I wouldn't miss this day for the world."
Alex had come back for me. Maybe happy endings weren't as unlikely as I'd believed.