I fall into my bed; I just begin to cry again. Everything happen so fast and just too much emotion.
SO YOU ARE CONFUSE AGAIN? ARENT YOU?
What?
I hear that voice again,
YOU LOVED JAMES KISSING YOU LIKE THAT, DONT DENY IT WIDOW.
"No! It felt wrong and too force. Shut up!"
NO, CAUSE I AM RIGHT. YOU ARE JUST AFRAID OF JACKSON. YOU DONT WANT TO LOOSE HIM BUT YOU WANT JAMES NOW.
"No, I love Jackson. I feel pretty and good and happy with him. I know little about him but I feel like I will still love him after I do."
HHMM...WELL OK WHATEVER YOU SAY WIDOW. I JUST WANT YOU TO MAKE A GOOD CHOICE. NO MORE HURTING YOURSELF AND OTHERS.
"Go away!!" I yell.
"Widow!" I hear Lucas scream.
He barges in like a maniac and come to my side.
"You okay? Who was here?" he asks.
"No one. I was having a nightmare."
"Oh, well let me get you a apple tea. It helps calm the nerves."
I just nod. Darn I'm going totally crazy.
I feel vibrations under my leg, and it's Jackson calling. I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to sleep. But Jackson keeps on calling and I get annoyed. I wait till Lucas gets me the tea and leaves.
"Alright well, Marry and I will be at the living room. If you need anything just yell." Lucas says. I just nod. I drink a little bit of the tea and dial up Jackson. I'm not planing to tell him anything about my visit today.
"Hello?" I ask.
"Hey Widow!" Jackson exclaims.
"Why are you so happy?"
"Well two things: 1. I'm going to play on the finals. 2. I'm hearing your voice."
I slightly smile, "That's good."
"Yeah, I cant believe everything is turning great for all of us."
Too soon to say that especially now.
"So you want me to pick you up for school tomorrow? Or you want me to wait for you at school?" Jackson asks.
"Umm wait for me." Ugh, I feel so tired and bad. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go to school. I don't know if James will be there or not. How can I see Jackson after what happen between James and me?
"You okay?" he asks.
"Yeah, just tired. Lucas forced me to go window shopping for him."
"Heh, weird. Hey since you said the word shopping, are we still on for the winter dance? Do even want to go?"
Darn, I totally forgot about that. Stupid dance.
"I don't know yet. I have to check with my step dad and see if I have money to buy something decent."
"Well, don't worry about the dress. I'll buy it for you, you can go shopping with Jessica."
"No it's okay. I buy my own dress, but thanks. That's nice of you,"
"Alright, whatever you want Widow. I guess I should leave to rest. Tomorrow we can hang in lunch."
"Yeah, that will be nice. Thanks Jackson."
"Okay, see you tomorrow. Love you Widow," he whispers the last three words.
My heart feels nice. "Bye Jackson. See you tomorrow." I couldn't repeat his love you without thinking about James.
He says goodbye one last time before he hangs up. I just lay while hugging a pillow. Why can't my life get better? My life takes two steps back and one step forward to happiness. I guess the storm only took a break to get stronger to destroy the rest of life I have.
...
Next day: Monday, Jan. 17
I feel so warm especially on my cheek. Then I hear a man's voice, "I missed you so much."
I open my eyes, first I see the white wall, but when I turn on my back, I see him.
"Hey, wake up," Joe says. He is laying next to me.
I immediately sit, "Why are you here?"
"What, you don't want me here?" he asks as he sits up.
"No. I mean no it's not that. I thought you were coming Wednesday."
"Me too, but Lucas called me and said you didn't look good at all. I totally see that. You look so pale,"
He feels my cheeks to check if I have a fever. His hands are so warm and soft.
"Well, you don't feel hot. But I don't know if you feel good enough to go to school. You want to go?"
I was about to say no, but I thought about it. Not going to school will make everything worse, and I really don't want to spend the day alone.
"Yeah, let me get ready." I get up and start looking for clothes.
"Alright, as soon as you finish get all your stuff ready, we are going back to our sweet home." He stands and hugs me.
"I really did miss you." he whispers to my ear. I pull away, "I believe you."
He lightly smiles, "okay, get ready. I'm gonna take you to school." He walks away and closes the door behind him.
I didn't think Joe will come back today. This makes it more difficult now, how can I be with Jackson now?
I take a quick shower and get ready. I decide to wear the scarf Joe gave me, paired it with a black sweater and vest along with black jeans.
"Widow! Let's go!" Joe yells. I quickly get all my stuff.
"Okat. Done," I say.
I see Marry leaning against the wall outside of the kitchen, and Lucas next to Joe.
"Alright well thanks again for babysitting and taking good care of this girl," Joe says.
"It's okay, it gives us training to care for babies. Right Lucas?" Marry jokes around. I just chuckle.
"Sure, and that's what friends do Joe. Take care of their pets when we leave town."
Joe punches his arm, "Ha. You are one funny bastard, aren't you?"
"I know I am." Lucas says. He comes to me and hugs me, "Bye Widow. Take care."
Then Marry does the same, "It was nice to have you here. Maybe next time we can hang more." I just nod. We exit.
As Joe drove to school, I take a look at him. He looks so calm and younger. He doesn't seem so stress or mean like he use to. His skin looks smooth, with no wrinkles and his hair with no white hairs.
He notices me looking at him, "You know it's kinda creepy to feel eyes on you. I know I'm good looking but please it's rude to stare."
I roll my eyes, "Stupid."
He ignores my remark and continues to drive. We finally arrived to school. I see Jessica with Mike running to get inside. I wonder if Jackson is waiting for me inside.
"Okay, bye." I quickly get out.
"Hey! No after school plans. We gotta talk." Joe yells. I say okay and run inside. I see almost all the school in the hallways.
I see Jackson waiting for me next to my locker. Paul, Jessica and Mike are with him as well.
"Good morning young lady, how you doing?" Mike asks.
"Okay, good morning to you too."
"Hey Wid," Paul says. I just nod.
"Well, I guess I see you in lunch?" Jessica asks.
"Yeah, totally," I say.
She just smiles and goes with Mike. I see them hand by hand, "So is it official with those two?" I ask Jackson.
"Have no idea. I guess," he answers.
"I believe they are but I don't know. Mike isn't the type of guy who likes to get serious, so." Paul says.
I excuse myself and open my locker. A yellow note comes out and drops to the floor.
"Hey, this fell." Paul says. He picks it up and starts to open it, but I get it quickly.
"Hey, my stuff. I didn't give you permission to read it," I say.
"Sorry, well I gotta go. See ya in lunch," Paul says.
"So, you feeling okay?" Jackson asks.
I look at him, "Yeah, just sleepy. I was having weird nightmares."
"Is someone scared of the boogie man?"
"Ha, no."
"Heh, so who is the note from?" Jackson asks.
"I don't know," I get my English book and close the locker before I read the note. I take a look, there is nothing outside. But I see familiar writing inside on top of the note.
Hey cant wait to see you last block :).---- love James
Jackson pokes my stomach, "Who is it from?"
"No one in particular, just a reminder."
"Alright, well how about we head for class or are you hungry?"
I say no and we walk to White hand by hand. It feels pretty nice, I ignore the looks from everyone, especially Rachel.
She looks so furious! Her eyes just scream defeat and anger. I just smile when I passed her.
"Bitch." she whispers.
"Alright, we are only about two weeks away from the winter dance. We already have the list of candidates who will be running for Ice King and Queen." Mr. White says.
I look around the classroom, the three monkeys smile, John knows he will be a candidate.
"Alright the possible queens are: Rachel Richards, Susana Beck, and," White seems surprise, "Well, Widow Johnson."
WHAT?!!
All the class gasps as well as I do. What? I didn't even apply, right? I see Rebecca eyes watery looking at me.
Jackson turns around and gives me a look. He can't believe I got elected.
"And the kings are: Mr. John and Mr. Travis."
"yeah baby!" John exclaims.
I smirk at Jackson.
"Umm, sir. I didn't apply." Jackson says.
"Well, you didn't but your fellow classmates decided they might want you for king."
"I don't want to run."
"Well, don't. Speak to Ms. Rachel about it. She is the one who is running the dance." Jackson turns to see her and she just smiles.
"Okay, let's get to work," Mr. White says.
LUNCH:
"What? Really? I couldn't really believe when Mrs. Lopez told us," Jessica says. She couldn't believe that I got elected to be queen.
"Well, yeah but I didn't apply." I say.
"Me neither, and I got elected as well." Jackson says.
"Well, run. I think it will be a fun experience for you guys. And you have the vote from the team Widow," Mike says.
"Thanks but no thanks. I don't like beauty contests. They are just a waste of time,"
I really don't see myself as queen of anything, not even queen of losers. I totally loose that one, sad ain't it?
"Come on, this will be a great opportunity to show this school that smart people can win a beauty contest too," Jessica says.
"Totally! Wid, this will bring down the queen bee of the school. This will show everyone who is Widow Johnson," Paul smiles.
I turn to Jackson. He has a smile on his face. He looks at me and says why not.
"I think it isn't a bad a idea. I won't mind having to run against John, it will be fun."
"You are just doing this just to torture me, right?" I ask Jackson. He smirks, "Maybe. But mostly to torture Rachel, it's really funny when she gets upset."
"Come on! Please!" Jessica keeps whining.
"Widow! Widow!" Mike keeps on chanting my name and Jackson too.
"We have to show everyone who runs this school!" Paul exclaims.
"OKAY! SHUT UP! I do it, I will run for Ice Queen. There! Can you all just be quiet? People are staring," I say.
They start to chuckle and telling me to relax.
I just shake my head in disbelieve. Imagine me a beauty queen? That's a very hard picture to imagine.
Jessica and I start to talk about the dress, campaigning, and stuff. While the guys were checking out stuff on Mike's phone, they are huddled up like penguins.
"So, we should go dress shopping on Friday and Saturday go to a hair stylist to be prepared." Jessica says. At first I was paying attention, but something got my eye.
I see a blonde guy walking towards the cheerleaders table. He has his school jacket and I see his name: Lock
He looks okay, not like if he had his heart destroyed by me. He is smiling and talking to the girls. I do admit it, I'm getting jealous but I see some footballers siting down as well. At least he isn't the only guy there.
"Hello? Pay attention young lady," Jessica interrupts me.
"Yeah of course."
"No you aren't." she turn to see James.
"Okay sorry. How about we talk about this later?" I suggest. I really don't want to talk about dances.
"if you want to to say hi to him, you can." Jackson says. I look at Jackson.
"No, it's okay. I have to go and get something from my locker. I see you all later." I quickly walk away.
I get to my locker and James is waiting for me.
"What are you doing here?" I ask.
"Just passing by,"
He smirks and get my hand, "Did you get my note?"
I just nod. I look at him and he has his scar exposed. I wonder if he told anyone else.
"I heard you got nominated for Ice Queen."
"Yeah, Jess convinced me to run. But I really don't know."
He gets closer, still holding my hand, "You definitely get my vote."
"Oh thanks I guess." I say as I open my locker. I'm just scamming through all the mess, trying to stop being awkward.
I see James lean against the lockers, looking at me with a serious face, "Widow, I don't want to fight anymore, with Jackson or you. I feel tired and I don't want to spend my time with silly problems. I want to spend time with you, getting to know each other more."
I take a deep breathe and close the locker. I turn to see James, "James, I told you. I want to be with Jackson, no one else. I'm sorry."
He rolls his eyes, "You're wrong. You don't know what you want right now."
"I don't know what I'm gonna do next, but I do know I want to be with Jackson. I still don't know if we are going to last long but I want to try,"
He gets closer. His eyes are so tired and sad, he is denial right now.
"Well, I will be waiting. You can't blame a guy for trying," he whispers as if someone is hearing us.
"I don't want you to wait for me. Get another girl, or try."
"I don't give up easily Widow. I don't like to fail."
He wraps his arm around my waist and draws me closer to him. We are just inches away from each other.
"I need to go." I say. He was about to plan a kiss on me but I quickly moved away. I started to walk fast to Mr. Joel (History) but bumped into Susana.
"Watch were you are going freak!" she screams.
"Sorry."
She grabs my arm and turns me to her, "Just letting you know something. Rachel will definitely win, and you just will be embarrassed. Drop out and everything will be fine."
"Let me go, I need to get to class." I got my arm back and started to walk to class. The bell rings seconds after I get inside of class.
I sit down and just lay my head down.
What mess have I gotten myself into now?
Science class:
"So you wanna hang out after school?" Jackson asks before he drops me off at my class.
"I can't. I got after school plans with my family, sorry."
He smiles, oh that jock smile, "Alright, then I call you later. Be a good girl and kiss me."
"Heh, you are such an idiot." I wrap my arms around his neck and plan a little kiss.
"That's all?" Jackson asks.
"Yes, Mr. Travis. That's all you getting, Widow has to come in before she is late."
Mrs. Laurence popped out of nowhere and stands at the door.
"Good afternoon Mrs. Laurence. I leave Widow in good hands." Jackson says.
"Totally. More save than yours that's for sure." Mrs. Laurence smiles.
She signals me to go in before the bell rings.
"Bye," I say. Mrs. Laurence followes behind with directions.
"Okay, since everyone is here now. We are going to work on our science projects. Remember they are big part of your final exam. You and your partner need to be sure of what you are doing..."
"Hey." James says as he sits next to me.
"Where were you?"
"Getting a book at the back room."
"oh."
"Do you have any idea for the project?" he asks.
"Not really, but I'm open to anything."
"I already got an idea for the project. It's how sleep affects how people interact. If getting more or less sleep than needed will affect how a person's day goes."
That sounds pretty cool and simple. I just nod.
He says okay and starts to write things we need and do. We present the idea to the teacher and she agrees that it will be a great experiment.
"You two make a great team. Keep up the good work," she says.
James looks at me and smirks. I just shake my head and start to put my stuff away.
5 minutes to the bell
James really didn't talk to me. He only asked me stuff about school and science.
"So, is Jackson the jealous type? You can't hang with boys anymore?" he asks.
"I don't think he is, and I don't really hang with boys or girls, so." I answer.
He chuckles, "I guess that's kinda true."
"Heh, yeah. But I really doubt he is a control freak, and if he is, I don't want to be with him."
"You're independent? Like don't like for a guy to tell you what to do or say?"
"Yeah, let just say I was with a guy like that. I never want to be weak again."
He hugs my hand, "I'm here. If Jackson or any other guy is bothering you or harassing you, you can tell me. I wont beat them up but I'll help you. You got that?"
"Yeah, thanks."
The bell rings and everyone starts to leave.
"I'll walk you outside, you don't think Jackson will mind?" James asks.
I don't think so, so I just nod.
We are walking side by side getting ready for the cold wind.
We get to the door and I see everyone running like little ants to their cars.
"Is Jackson going to give you a ride or you want me to give you one?" James asks.
"No I'm getting picked up by my step-dad. Thanks though."
"Oh wow, my dad got here fast. I have to go, you sure about the ride?" James asks again.
"Yeah it's okag. Bye."
"Bye." he kisses me in the cheek and runs to his ride.
Soon after he left Joe arrives. I quickly run inside the car, "Darn it's getting colder!"
"Heh, yeah. Got your seat belt?" Joe asks.
I put on the seat belt and we head for home.
"How was school?" he asks.
I just say good and look at the window. He knows I don't want to talk when I do that.
I finally see the familiar houses that surround my house. Some minutes later and I see the old white house. For some reason I feel happy I am here. I miss my bed and couch. I get my backpack and run to get inside. Joe quickly opens the door and warmness comes to me.
"Sweet old home." Joe says.
It looks exactly as we left it.
"okay, let's get this house clean again." Joe steps out of the kitchen with every cleaning tool we have.
I change into some random black warm-ups and fitted black shirt and orange socks.
"Clean the bathroom first! I'm gonna clean the living room!" Joe yells.
I finish cleaning the bathroom, next my room!
I started to vacuum the carpet when I feel someone looking at me.
I stop and turn around. I see Joe leaning against the door with his hands inside his jean pockets.
"You need something?" I ask.
"No just wondering if you were finish. I need to talk to you."
"Yeah I'm done. Let me just put this away and we can talk."
He just nods and goes to the kitchen. I feel a knot in my stomach, something is not right with him. So I put everything away and head to the kitchen.
"Hey." I say.
He is siting at the little round table and says to sit.
"What up?" I ask as I sit.
He has his head on to of his fist, like if he is thinking hard about something.
"I did something I regret in New York."
"What? You scammed the business people?" I joke.
"No, I'm serious." he raises his head and looks at me. He is directly looking at me, eye to eye.
"What then?"
"I had sex with a random girl I met at a bar."
What?
He just said it like if it was nothing.
"You what?" okay I'm confuse and feeling something I never felt before.
"I went to the bar after I close the deal. I had a few drinks and this pretty girl came to me. We started to talk, then by the time I realize what she was doing, it was too late."
"So you had sex with a random hoe that you met at a bar?"
"Yes, and I am sorry. I don't know what got over me."
"Heh, that chick was the thing that got over you!" I scream. I get up.
"Relax, Widow. Please I don't want to fight or scream,"
"Wait, you stayed over there more days cause you were with her, right?"
"No! No, I stayed cause I needed to think of what I was going to do and how I was going to tell you. It was only one time, I haven't seen or talked to her since that night."
I cant believe this! He is always saying that I am the only one. He promised me he will always be with me and no one else-wait.
Why am I getting mad? Shouldn't I be happy? This is a reason to leave him, to be with Jackson.
"I'm so sorry Widow, please don't cry." Joe is standing a foot away from me.
"I'm not crying."
He wipes something off my cheeks, "Yes you are." I feel my cheeks and they feel watery. Why I am crying?
"You said you love me."
"I do! I still do, I want you Widow. I'm sorry."
"you slept with freaking bitch!"I scream and slap him.
His head turns to his side, a big red mark popped out of his cheek.
"You have done this before, right?" I ask.
He turns to see me, "No, just."
"Just what? You didn't consider it sex? Or what?" I interrupt him.
"Tell me!" I exclaim.
"yes! I've done this before!" he yells back.
I feel like I've been kicked over and over again in my guts.
"With who? Co-workers? Hookers? With who?!" I ask.
"Random women, no one special. It was just sex."
"Since when?"
He sits back down with his head facing the floor. I just stand there looking at the white kitchen wall, in disbelieve. I feel use, I feel angry, I feel relieved, I feel sad.
"Since you turned 14, you didn't want to be with me like you use to. I wanted to hug you and you shivered and said no. I wanted to kiss you and you burst into tears and say no. When we tried to be together, in the middle of it you started to scream "Stop! I cant move. Stop." I needed to be with someone so I did."
That's when everything changed, I felt dirty and disgusted when Joe touched or kissed me. We fought more, and that's when he started to force me to be with him. Then Olivia died and things got worse. Joe began to drink and do drugs and rape me over and over again.
"This is the first in many months I haven't cheated you, except that night. I'm sorry," he says.
"Whatever, I don't care. You can sleep with anyone you want, girl or boy. I don't care,"
"Please," he gets up and gets hold of my arms, "Please, don't leave me. I need you, I care about Widow. I love you." I push him away, "Stop lying! You don't love me! You slept around with I don't know how much women! And you come to me and say I love you Widow, you are the only ONE I want."
"I'm not lying! You are the only one for me, you make want to live. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you in anyway."
I begin to laugh like a maniac, "Ha! You are a funny fellow, right? You have been a jerk to me! How can I forgive you for the pain and hurt you caused me? I don't want to be with you!!"
"you want to be with Jackson right?" he suddenly asks. I stay solid looking at him. How did he come to that conclusion?
"Answer me, Jackson is the one for you?" he stands and is now facing me.
"Don't bring him into this. He has nothing to do with what we are talking." I say firmly.
"You are such a liar Widow. You can't lie to me no more. You love that guy, right?"
He is looking at me with very calm eyes, they aren't even angry. They are more like in pain mixed with curiosity.
"What if I say yes?" I ask.
"Then, we are even. We will be more even if you tell me you had sex with him."
No, I can't tell him right? He will totally kill me or hurt Jackson.
"Even? So you wont get mad if I had sex with Jackson or any other guy?"
"I will, but I deserve it."
"Yes, I had sex- no we made love," I whisper.
He sucks his anger, "So you don't love me anymore? Nothing at all huh?"
"Do want me to lie like you?"
That totally hit him hard, he begins to cry.
"No, no more lies."
"I don't. You just killed everything I felt towards you. I don't love you."
"Wh-why?," he began to studder, "I gave you my life, Widow. I put a roof, food on the table, bought you everything I could and fought you for to stay with me! I didn't want to you be with strangers or end up alone."
"I appreciate that Joe, I do. And believe it or not I feel grateful for that, but you changed. I don't think I hate you, but I hate the actions you done. I don't love you, or even like you but I can't say I care enough for you anymore."
With every word I say, I feel a lot of weight lifting off my shoulders. I am not afraid of Joe anymore.
He doesn't say anything anymore. I just stand there looking at him. He looks so broken down and just mindless.
After some minutes, he stands up and walks to his room without looking at me. I go to my room and sit down on my bed. I finally confronted him, told him what I wanted to tell him for a long time.