calum
"Oh, my god, Calum! You have no fucking filter!" Lex exclaimed loudly, her face lighting up. I'd made some remark about God knows what, which sent her off on a laughing fit. I watched as she giggled, and the smile on her face spread to mine.
It was then that I realized that she was the light of my life.
We were sitting on a beach at midnight on a random school night in the middle of the spring. It was as if we both were beginning to develop insomnia; when we were together it seemed that sleep was an unnecessary waste of time. How could we sleep? There was so much to talk about, so much to think about. So many places to go. A night of sleep would mean a night wasted.
Instead, we'd found a few spots around town that we liked to go. There were a few diners, a few parks, and this beach, among others. They were quiet places that were often left empty at night. It was usually just us, alone with our clouded minds and heavy thoughts.
We'd developed a habit of spending our nights together, except that we often did not sleep at all. Looking back, I wonder if these regular all-nighters later played a part in my actions that ended everything. Perhaps if I was of sound mind, things would have ended differently.
Sometimes we didn't even talk and we would just be with each other and think. It was nice to just enjoy each other's presence, every once in a while. It seemed everyone was always caught up in the static sound of our phones. It was nice to get away from it all.
I switched my gaze from the stars to Alexis, who was sitting in the sand as I laid down with my head in her lap. She was running her fingers through my hair absentmindedly, and I was watching the soft expression on her face from below, mesmerized with focus.
"Tell me something I don't know, Lex-Bug." She smiled at the mention of the nickname I'd given her.
Although it was the beginning of spring and flowers across the world were beginning to bloom, it seemed Washington had not gotten the memo. The bitter air nipped at my fingers, and I asked Lex if she was warm enough. I'd already given her my jacket, and it was draped over her shoulders. She nodded, and we sat in silence for a long moment.
It was perfect, that night. So quiet and peaceful. We were the only ones on the beach, given the late hour. I heard the waves rippling softly into the sand and the ocean smelled sweet. The sky was clear and the stars were out and it was just perfect. I watched the stars twinkle as I felt Lex's fingers run gently through my hair, and listened to her steady breathing as. We just looked into each other's eyes and listened to the wind. It was perfect.
Sometimes, on nights like these, it felt like we were the only ones in the world. I'd like to pretend it was that way every once in a while. When Lex and I were alone together, it felt like we could conquer the world.
It was the calm before the storm, really.
I watched Lex's face as she played with my hair. Her eyes were focused on what she was doing, but there was a softness to them. Her mouth was open a little and her teeth sparkled in the moonlight.
She was so beautiful.
"We should probably get back," she started, but neither of us moved an inch. I knew she wanted to stay, and that she was just saying that to make herself feel better about staying out so late.
"We're fine. It's not like either of our parents cares where we are at this time," I reassured her, and she nodded.
My parents were nice enough. Though they were busy, I knew they cared. But it seemed their jobs took them away from me when I needed them most as a kid. This had made me rely on myself instead, which I was somewhat grateful for. I had turned into a very independent person who focused more on making others happy.
They were both good people, and they adored Lex.
Lex's dad wasn't in the picture, and her mom traveled a lot for work. She had to make double the income to support the both of them, but this often took her away from Lex when she needed her the most.
She was the kind of girl who tried to hide her emotion from others, for fear of coming off as needy. This was a habit she was learning to break with me around, but it took time. You had to be very observant to know how she was truly feeling inside because she usually wasn't willing to tell you herself. This was something I'd learned to do, something that took many nights of Lex literally crying into my arms.
Lex's dad left them when she was very young. Apparently, he was an alcoholic and constantly switching back and forth between rehab and low-cost apartments in the shady parts of town. From my understanding, he wasn't entirely a bad person at first. But then when Lex was born, he'd decided he wasn't ready to be a parent. So he just up and left, as if that were the right thing to do.
Lex didn't know what to think of all of this. On one hand, she obviously wanted to have a relationship with her dad. But her mom hated him now, for obvious reasons, and refused to let him see her. Because of this, it seemed he was never really on her mind. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess. But I knew that always, in the back of her mind, she was curious. I mean, she had to be.
"My dad wrote me a letter," she blurts out of absolutely nowhere, and I sit up on my elbows to look at her as my eyes widen.
...
"You still trust me, after all this?" I ask her. But I am not sure I want to know her answer.
"Of course I do, Cal. I'll always trust you." Her words send vibrations through my body and I suck a breath in. She shouldn't trust me, I don't deserve that. I don't deserve anything, except to die.
"Why?" the words fall from my lips before I can contain them. I shouldn't have asked this.
Lex takes a deep breath, her chest rising and falling as she exhales. I can't help but remember how her breaths would feel against my own. God, I miss her so much. Even with only a few feet in front of me, I crave her touch. She's so close, but so damn far away.
"I honestly don't know. Maybe it's that you were there for me when literally no one else was. I mean, I'm not saying I forgive you, because I don't and I think we need to talk about that night. But, we all make mistakes. I'm just really confused right now about everything." She says honestly, and her words nearly bring tears to my eyes. She looks at me, waiting to hear my response.
"Lex," I start, but then she breaks.
"You left me, Cal." She looks at me with glassy eyes. Her chest rises and falls with a breath and I thank God that she is still here and alive and breathing. "One day you were here and the next you were gone." Her voice cracks and my heart breaks all over again.
"I can't tell you what happened that night," I start, though I instantly regret my words. She stares at me, anger and tears filling her strong green eyes.
"Why?"
"Because I still don't know myself." I admit, the shame filling inside and drowning me.
But my words are a lie. I knew exactly what happened that night. Or at least I used to. But after seven months of trying to block it from my memory, my images of the night are blurry in my head, and my thoughts were foggy. Almost like I was drunk, or high.
But one of the worst things about this whole thing is I was completely sober. I hadn't had a drink in months. All of my actions were made without the assistance of substances. Everything was in my control, and I still fucked it all up.
Lex's face keeps changing. First, she looks mad, and then a mixture of sadness and disappointment. And then agony fills her face.
She looks like she could kill someone, and if she happened to shoot me right now, I don't think I would object. I'd probably do it myself, even.
"I don't believe you." Her words are a thousand knives hitting every inch of my body. They are cold and stone and so brutally honest. I am physically taken aback by them. She knows me so well, lying will get me nowhere, only dig my hole deeper. And why should I lie? She deserves nothing but the truth.
I just don't want to break her any more than I already have. She wouldn't be able to take that.
"Alexis," I start, but she interrupts me.
"Get out." Her stern words cut through my body, my hope of forgiveness. My hope of her listening to what I have to say. She's crying now and though she looks furious.
"Get out right now, Calum." She repeats, taking a step toward me.
I take a shaky breath as I give one last desperate look at her. If this were a movie, this is where I would insist on telling her what happened. She would listen to what I have to say, and then finally decide to grant me forgiveness. We would run away together and get married on a beach in Hawaii.
But this is not a movie, and these things that I have done cannot be fixed with a spontaneous purchasing of two plane tickets.
But I know better. Lex is one of the most stubborn people I know, it's one of the protection mechanisms she's developed. And from now on I will obey her every word, I will listen to her always.
Which means I have to leave.
"Okay. But at some point, and it doesn't have to be soon, I think it would be a good idea for us to talk." I tell her quietly, but she avoids my eye.
"I know," her words are a whisper, and I almost don't catch them. But they reassure me, and I stare at her with a hope that I will see her again. I try to take in every detail of her face, and memorize it, as I really look at it for the first time in seven months.
I never thought I would see her again.
"Please leave, Calum." Her eyes begin to fill with saltwater as she looks at me, and my heart starts to break all over again. If looks could kill I'd be fucking dead and gone, never to be seen again.
"Bye Alexis," I say, using her full name for once. And then I'm gone. I run down the stairs, and out the front door, letting myself out before I can fianlly break down.
On my way out, I see her staring at me through her window as I leave. There are tears streaming down her face, and mine too.
alexis
"Oh, baby," Luke whispers when he crawls through my window, seeing my face. I texted him after Calum left, knowing I'd made a promise, though it was one I'd rather not keep.
I'm sitting in a ball on my loveseat, my knees tucked to my chest and my hair falling around face head like a curtain, shielding me from the world.
But the only thing I really need shielding from is my own thoughts. My thoughts are too loud to escape; they are a lead singer screaming in a city of whispers. And I? I am just a mindless whisper.
I can't believe Calum, but I'm almost equally as mad at myself. He was trying to explain himself, and I wouldn't listen. I didn't want to hear the truth; I was too scared of the things it would change.
The truth could destroy me, for good this time.
Suddenly, I am aware of Luke's arms around me, securing me against his chest.
"Luke, get off me," I say quietly. I'm afraid if I project my voice it will crack and then I will be perceived as weak. But he stays next to me, still embracing me in a hug.
"It's okay, Alex." he tries to comfort me, and then I explode. I stand up suddenly, and anger pours out of me at an alarming speed.
"It's not fucking okay Luke! Stop saying that. Stop all of this! I want to be alone, why don't you ever leave me alone?" I scream at him. Suddenly, the fear of waking Gram means nothing to me.
He looks shocked and hurt by my words, but I don't care. I yell at him with all of the emotion that's left in me until he finally leaves the way he came. I've hurt him by doing this, his face says it all, but I don't care. He doesn't need to be a part of this or my life for that matter.
It is only once I see Luke let himself back into his house that I finally break down.
luke is lw annoying like leave her tf alone?? oof